I should have been a girl - Chapter 14

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When the email comes, we find it's not a brownstone but certainly a brown brick on East 74th Street, just a block from Central Park and I'm thinking WOW. My thoughts immediately go to Friends and Central Perk. It's absolutely my fave TV soap and I identify with Rachel, Rachel Green played by Jennifer Aniston, though at times she does annoy me.

She has lovely hair and her figure too. She leads poor Ross a real dance but then sometimes he needs to get over himself and act like a man instead of a mouse. I'm already wondering whether I might see any of them, Phoebe singing her dreadful ditties in Central Park for example. No, none of it really exists still I imagine, and can see myself in that gang. If only Joey would say to me, 'How you doin'?' I'd just melt.

It's a sunny day when we set out on New Year's Eve, but as we run into the outskirts of NY, the atmosphere becomes quite misty and it looks really cold out there Jem says it's twenty-seven degrees out there by the car thermometer. 'It'll get a lot colder yet.' He says.

At two o'clock we reach Central Park, run down 5th Avenue, and swing left into 74th Street, cross Madison and there it is on our left. Jem phones we have arrived and as we watch the garage door opens and we just drive right in.

'Well it's not a skyscraper,' Nathan says disappointed. Jem laughs and Dee rubs his golden hair. 'It's better than.' I say as we all tumble out, glad to move after such a long journey.

As we do, Michael appears in casual clothing. 'Hello young lady,' he says. 'Hello everyone. It'll help with the bags and show you up. We haven't a lift, so I hope you are all fit for the stairs. Mrs. McKenzie says stairs keep you fit, and they certainly keep me fit running up and down.'

Just then Grace appears at the top of the spiral staircase. 'Stop your moaning Michael. I'm saving your life by not having a lift.'

`Yes ma'am.' He replies but he's smiling and I can see even from a distance, a gleam in Grace's eye. I grab my case and run up the stairs, the first to reach Grace. I let my case drop and grab her with both hands and kiss her cheek. 'It's so good to see you, Grace. Are you well?'

`Sure I am and by the looks of things, so are you. Thriving, I'd say.'

`Yes Grace, healthy and happy.'

`That's good to know. Well come every one, let's go into the garden room, then we'll have drinks and a snack, I expect you're all hungry unless you ate on the way.'

`No, we didn't as you said not to Grace,' Dee says.

`Good so a snack now and we are out tonight, a restaurant just around the corner on Madison, so we can walk and Michael can have the time off with, whose is your current crush, Michael?' I know she's teasing him.

`Angela.'

`Angela huh. I wonder if she lives up to the name. He's been out with every maid in the area and some of their mistresses too.

`You know you do me wrong there Ms McKenzie.' He replies.

`Well perhaps not everyone, there's still Blessica the fat Filipino maid of Mrs Rosen.'

'I'll take the bags up, Ma'am.' Michael takes a handful of bags and disappears.

'OK I'll just go and get us a snack, you'll help me, Alyssa. We'll eat in the breakfast room overlooking the garden. Come with me, child.' She seizes my hand and we go into the kitchen.

She closes the door and I wonder. 'We don't need them to hear our private conversations, do we?'

`No ma'am,' I say.

`Let me look at you?' she stands me away at two arm's length and her eyes travel from head to foot and back, settling on my face.

`Well, you're looking good. You're happy?'

'Oh yes, Grace thank you. They've made a great home for me and Nathan and I get on and I have friends at school too and that's going well. A good report, not as good as my last from Pantonsville High, but I'm getting there and of course, I don't do sports so don't get any points there. I know, I shall never be complete, but my soul is at peace. That probably sounds ridiculous.'

`Not at all. I know all about that. When I got rid of McKenzie, and sent him packing with the little tart he was messing with, my soul was at peace and it still is. It's good to see you. Rosie's cheeks, hair shining, pink lips. You my child are becoming a beautiful girl and you're not yet on hormones?'

`Just the T blocker.' `So when do you get estrogen?' `Sixteen. I can't wait. It's another eighteen months.' 'I wonder. I'll speak to a friend for advice. You really are happy being Alyssa?' I nod. `So happy, yes Grace.'

She grabs me and folds me in her arms again. 'I wish I had a magic wand and I would turn you into a girl right here and now. It seems so right for you. No regrets?'

`Only losing my Mom.'

Well yes, of course, but she should have believed in you more than in God, their God, for it sure isn't mine, nor yours I think. You go to Church?'

We do. At first, I was reluctant but yes, I enjoy it, well it's a very social thing, homely and caring. I can't say I like all the rituals but I give thanks for my deliverance and for all I now have. I'm so lucky.'

You really are a nice kid, still, I knew that when I first saw your poor little frightened pale face. One day I really hope you will come and work for me, in whatever capacity.'

I rather want to be a doctor.'

`Do you? Well, OK. That might work I could open a clinic for whatever specialty you like. I want you to go to Harvard or Yale or one of those, so work hard and I'm behind you.'

`Grace, thank you. I love you, I mean, really love you.'

I know that already. Let's get this food into the breakfast room.'

We take out ham and salad, sauces, potato chips, drinks, and two bottles of wine plus some beers and place them on the table in the breakfast MOM.

It's all ready.' I say and we all sit. The garden looks a little sad, with leaves on the lawn and a slight white dusting from the frost that has already descended.

We eat well and I guess healthily. In the afternoon we stroll to Central Park and see the various acts and the people on skates showing off their expertise. We return to the house to dress for the evening. Apparently, Jem knew we had to dress for he has brought his tux. And Dee her best dress. She had also made me pack mine, but when I go into my room, I find a box tied with ribbon I open it and find the most beautiful black lace dress, undies and shoes, and a fur cape. I don't know whether the fur is real, it is grey and feels delightful, silk on the inside and it clings to my shoulders. I run and show Dee.

me.'

`No more than you deserve,' she says. 'Bless you, girl. Do a twirl for I twirl.

`So beautiful. Let me take a photo so you can send it to your Mom.'

She snaps me with her little camera. 'Let us try another, nearer the light. Stand over there, a bit to the right. No, the lights are no good. Let's go into your bathroom.

We go to my bathroom where there is plenty of light reflected off the white tiles and the mirror. This time she is satisfied. 'That looks like a nice shot.' She shows me.

'Oh wow. I look like a proper grown-up lady.' `You look like eighteen, I'll say that.' "I'm so happy Dee.'

'I know Angel, I see it in your face every day. I better get back and dress. I won't tell Jem, just you watch his face. A bit more mascara on those lashes I think.'

`I didn't want to be too over.'

`No, but it's night time and tomorrow will be two thousand and three. This is your first New Year as a girl.'

I give my lashes two extra licks and add a little eyeliner. I think I look quite sexy.

I go down and set in the lounge where we were before, in my highest heels. I hope the restaurant is not miles because walking in these shoes for any great distance would not be fun. However, I'm sure if a great lady like Grace says it's a few steps, then that's all it will be.

Nathan comes down and gives me a look. 'Crikey! Good golly Miss Molly. You look terrific Ally.'

`Thanks, Nate. You look pretty OK too.' `Yeah but I look like, well maybe twelve, you look like twenty.' Jem is next down. He ruffles Nathan's hair. `Aw, Dad! I've just slicked down. Try doing that to Missy there.' 'Oh, my good lord. Have you seen Alyssa?' He says looking around. `Stand up so I can see you properly.' I oblige.

'Oh my. How did you ever survive those years as a boy? I recognized the girl at Hannah's wedding, now I see the young lady. Has anyone snapped you?'

`Yes, Uncle. Dee took my photo. It's not too much?'

`No sweet thing. Not on this night but don't go to church like that or all those old men will be turning their toes up.'

Grace appears last. 'Well, where has that poor little orphan Annie gone? That dress, you look like a thousand dollars. Here's a little something to lighten the black. Turn around chicken.'

She fastens a four-tiered pearl choker about my neck and I feel so sexy wearing it.

`Right then, let's go people. It may be a long night. You up for that Nathan?'

`Yes ma'am.' He says.

We walk and find the restaurant is only two or three hundred yards down Madison Avenue. They show Grace great deference and we have a really good table against the dance floor and near to where the floor show will be.

I eat sparingly, smoked salmon and asparagus as a starter and a really tiny fillet steak for main followed by a very small ice cream.

The floor show begins, with a conjuror who does tricks at the table, one pushing a playing card through the table and cloth. None of us understand how that's done. That's followed by a girl singer, quite good, and a boy singer who stands over me, so embarrassing. Oh, he stands over other ladies as well, so I'm not special, that's not what I'm saying. No, I think people are being really kind and saying I look good, but when I went to the ladies, I looked in the mirror as I washed my hands and combed my hair and I thought, really I hardly pass. My face is too thin, my eyes too close, my forehead too high. Perhaps I'll try a fringe. What I know is, I'm not a great beauty. I hope estrogen will work miracles when I get it.

I return to the table and it's winding up to midnight. I wonder why we make a fuss about something that is really just a date on a calendar. At last, the hour comes and we all stand and join arms and sing. That, apart from the meal with people I love, is the best part. If only the World could be as agreeable as the people in this restaurant.

At home, I know Mom and Dad will be in bed. They never made anything of New Year, Dad saying it was pagan. I guess I get my puritanical observations from them.

It has been enjoyable and the best has been being with Grace who is a funny and kind lady. She tells us her company has just acquired a building supply, and hardware company that will fit with her transport Empire.

She turns to me. 'I want you to keep writing to me. I know I often don't say a lot in return but I want to know that you are happy and doing well. At eighteen I will pay your surgical expenses if that is what you want, whatever they may be and if you get to MIT, Harvard, Stanford, Princeton, or Yale, I will pay for that too, but it is up to you to work hard and get there. Do you hear me Alyssa?'

'Yes, Grace. I do work hard don't I Dee?'

'Sure. She really does Grace.'

'She can do it, I know she can, that's why I'm giving her a carrot. Oh, she will pass for CALTECH or Chicago, but I'd like her near me. Time to go home, Nathan looks dead on his feet.'

We rise and retrieve our coats from the cloakroom. We walk back in the intense cold, Grace holding my hand. 'I have no kids, I think of you as my child.'

'Grace I'll try my hardest.' 'I know you will. I want you to go to the top.' 'What if I can't?'

'Honey I know you will. We'll get the necessaries out of the way as soon as you are eighteen and you will go off like a rocket. I'm proud of you now and I will be more proud sitting at your degree ceremony.'

We drive home on New Year's Day in extreme cold, the car's outside temperature thermometer says eight degrees Fahrenheit. I'm hoping that we'll not meet snow on the way but Jem and Dee are reassuring. They are used to this and I'm not. Grace's words ring in my ears, her generosity is linked to her high expectations.

We are back to school and it's all fine. I'm just one of the girls in Leila's gang, Diana, Laura, Sylvie, Gail, and Valentina. We all ski and we all ride, except I do neither well but I'm having a go and improving.

A week later, our gang all sat at the table eating lunch, a proper dinner for me now, because Dee is teaching skiing all day.

Penny Sawyer comes over and sits and her mate Katie Jenkins follows. I quite like Katie, a quiet girl who I think doesn't make friends easily. She has a little brother, only eight, and lives with her dad but no mom. Leila tells me that Katie's Mom died of cancer two years ago. I feel really sorry for the girl. Penny I think is a piece of work, always poking fun at others and trying to be one up. She'll pick on anything, a slip in grammar or mispronunciation, or just not quite getting one's tongue around something. It's unusual for her to come and join us.

I've finished eating. I put down my knife and fork, neatly together as I was taught and sit back. We were talking about The Good Girl, a film starring my idol Jennifer Aniston, and I'm saying she's my idol.

It's funny isn't it, so many people when they are looking for trouble, adopt that same smirk and that's what Penny has on her face right now. I wonder what she's up to and I soon find out.

I try ignoring whatever is going to happen and pick up my dishes to take to the rack.

'Before you go, Alyssa, at Christmas we were down south in Pan-tonsville. Wasn't that your home?'

'Yes, it was. Did you have a nice time?'

'Fabulous. While we were there, cousin Rick said he had heard someone move up to Lawrence. We worked out it had to be you but when you lived there you were a boy. That's not true is it Alyssa? I mean look at you?'

I don't know what to say. For a minute, I say nothing. I want to run and yet I know that won't do any good. Do I deny it, lie, make up some story that I was a tomboy there and dressed like a boy or is it time for the truth?

'What the fuck! Why did you come here and say that you little bitch?' Leila says.

'I'll tell that you swore Leila.' Penny says, like the nasty little sneak

she is.

'Leave it, Leila. Leave her alone Penny. Do you want to know something? I think you are a nasty spiteful, sneaky bit of trash, but as you have brought it up, keep sat down there and your mate too, you Katie, sit!' I command.

'Why do you say something like that? If it were true, what good would that do anyone, me, you, anyone? What business is it of anyone's? I mean if you and sad Katie, are always together, if you are a couple of lessies, I wouldn't mind. I have never believed the rumors about you two anyway, but if you are so what? Doesn't matter to me. I know Katie has a crush and I think it rather sweet.'

'I was talking about you. Are you a trannie?' Penny persists, the smirk replaced by an expression of venom.