I Shouldn't Have Been A Girl - Part 1

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About three weeks ago, I was feeling ill late at night and went to ask Mom for something for my stomach when I heard her and Dad arguing in their bedroom. So I listened at their door. Dad was begging Mom to stop what she was doing to me. She told him it was his choice to cheat with his secretary, get her pregnant, and steal money to support her. She called him a worm and said that soon enough the changes to me would be permanent and that she would then be sure that his little girly-boy son would never be able to treat a woman the way he had.

I spit the last part out bitterly. "That was when I knew that the changes were her doing and that ever since Dad quit fighting her, she had been doing her best to make a freak out of me." I went back to my room and decided to run away the next day. But when I called Rusty, my only friend, she said to stick around for a couple of days and collect money and supplies, and that she would come with me to make sure I would be okay. "I was feeling so alone and depressed that I agreed."

I looked hard at Nancy and her father. "So with Rusty's help, I bought us traveling clothes and stuff and disappeared." We spent the last two weeks at a girls' religious retreat. "We were heading for the coast to try and find a place where we could stay until I could find out if I could ever go back to being a boy again when we got caught in the storm."

"I'm a freak." I think like a boy, and I like girls. But I look, act, and even sound like a girl. "And the parts that make me a boy don't work right, which means I can't ever be a man, and you ask why I want to die?" I pulled Rusty tighter against me. "I have no reason to live, no future, no family." Except for Rusty, no one cares if I live or die. "And despite her pleading, I won't let her be saddled with someone as pitiful as me."

Rusty started to cry again. I held her tightly. and wished I had reached the torrent to be washed away from my pain.

Rusty and I felt ourselves lifted and hugged by Jonathan. When he set us down, he asked if I would agree to not do anything to hurt myself while at his house. "Nancy and I have seen enough pain in our lives." "You are welcome to stay here until the road is repaired, but please don't do anything to cause her more pain." I looked at Nancy, and she hung her head and nodded. Now I was stymied. I didn't want to keep living, and I didn't want to hurt anyone.

"Please, Alexi, it's so lonely up here, and having you two around for a few days, despite Daddy's methods," she glared at her father, "really would mean a lot to me." Rusty was giving me a pleading look.

I nodded.  "Okay, you win." I had to unwrap Rusty and was surprised to see Nancy had tears in her eyes. "So what's for dinner?" Rusty swatted me, and Nancy asked her to help in the kitchen.

Jonathan pulled me aside. "Want to learn how to stoke a fire?" Soon I was checked out for splitting kindling and filling a big, strange-looking stone stove that made up a part of one wall. "One load of wood and it will keep the cabin warm for hours in the coldest weather." Once it was fired up, he told me it would be an hour before we would begin to feel the heat. Just before we were supposed to have dinner, he fired up the generator, and we had lights.

"We run the generator for at least four hours every day." That keeps the batteries charged and the freezers cold. "And let Nancy use the big television."

Dinner was some sort of spicy chicken casserole and several types of vegetables. We drank tea and ate quietly. I helped Jonathan with the dishes. After dinner, Jonathan put on his rain gear and told us he had to check the homestead and road for damage from the storm. So Nancy, Rusty, and I sat around, and Nancy told us her story.

"Two years ago, Dad and Mom owned their own trucking company, and we lived in a big house in Montpelier." This was our vacation place. "I rode shotgun with Mom or Dad when they made long-hauls during the summer." She paused and sat quietly for a moment. "It was in July that they got a request for an emergency run to the Midwest with a load of hardwood for a custom furniture maker." Mom took the run, and I tagged along.

We were just outside of Cincinnati when a gust of wind caught the trailer beside us, and the driver lost control. Mom had a choice of running over several cars full of people or riding out the crash. She had no choice in her mind. She knew our load was heavy and sacrificed our truck to deflect the out-of-control rig away from the cars.

There were tears in her eyes. "When everything stopped moving, Mom was dead, and I was pinned under the remains of our load." By the time I was finally freed, I could not feel my feet. "The doctors did what they could, but they said the impact damaged my spine." She sat as tall as she could in her wheelchair.

"Dad was devastated by Mom's death and my injuries." So he let the company die, and when they foreclosed on our remaining rigs and house, we moved up here, where he's been helping me learn to deal with being crippled and starting to rebuild our lives. He owns the rig he drives, and maybe someday we will be able to afford for me to go off to college. As it stands now, I go to high school by correspondence, and they send a special bus out once a week during school to bring me to the town so I can meet with my teachers.

"So in a way, I can understand how you can feel trapped in your body." She tapped one of her shriveled legs. "And yet I would trade you in a moment to be able to walk again." Nancy started to cry, and Rusty held her. I didn't know what to do. something Sophia Manyfeathers had said. I was traveling a path of many perils and rewards. Was the storm a peril and Nancy a reward? I had a lot of thinking to do.

We were all sitting quietly when Jonathan returned, looking weary. "I'm afraid I may have been hasty in saying I would drive you two to town tomorrow." We stared at him. "The storm washed out the beaver ponds upstream, and the creek cut a gorge across the road big enough to park a bus in." "When it gets light in the morning, I'll check the damage and radio the county, but it could be a couple of weeks before they can make repairs."

Rusty and I stared at each other. That would put us at the start of school and make travel difficult and dangerous. "Um, is there a way we could, like, maybe, find a way to hike out?"

He looked at Rusty. "Even I wouldn't try hiking out till the weather's been clear for days." Upstream, it's rocky and overgrown, and further down, there's a killer swamp and bog. I'd venture at least a week. but you are welcome to stay. "We've got plenty of food and fuel, and you two can stay in the living room, or in Nancy's room if she doesn't mind the company." Nancy was smiling at us. "Either way, it's getting late, and time to shut off the generator."

"Please, stay with me." Nancy sounded wistful.

"But I'm a boy" I looked at myself and stared, wanting to curl up inside.

"And I'm lonely." "Besides, your girlfriend will keep you out of trouble." She realized what she said was wrong when I started to sob. Jonathan quietly got up and left.

Rusty looked angrily at her. "He can't get into trouble, even if he wants to." Do you understand? It's like someone saying to you, "Don't get up and run off." I clung to Rusty. Nancy started to cry.

"Enough!"  Both girls looked at me. "Nancy didn't know, and she didn't deserve to be hurt." Rusty made apologetic motions, and Nancy nodded. "And I'm tired and cranky, and can we all just get some sleep?"

We all wound up in Nancy's bed. with me in the middle. When I snuggled against Nancy, she started to cry. I pulled back, and she grabbed me. "Please, it's been so long since anyone held me at night." We re-arranged.  Rusty and I made her into a snuggle sandwich. Nancy cried herself to sleep not from pain but from happiness.

The next morning, Nancy woke us so she could get out of bed to use the bathroom. When she returned, saying, "The weather is worse than yesterday," we decided sleep was more important than breakfast. It was nearly noon when we all managed to make it into the kitchen, where we found Jonathan reading a book. I was dressed in a skirt and tank top, just like Rusty.

Jonathan looked at the smile on Nancy's face and gave her a hug and kiss. "That's the best smile I've seen in a long time." Nancy blushed and nodded. "So does anyone want breakfast?" We ate like teenage piranhas. As we were munching, Jonathan relayed that he had radioed the county, and ours was one of many washed-out roads. "They could not give me an estimate until it stops raining, but they have several damaged bridges and said we are pretty far down the priority list." "Once the weather clears, they will helicopter in supplies if we run low, but other than that, it's just a matter of waiting."

When he started again to apologize, Rusty stopped him. "We could be dead of exposure out on that ridge, and you didn't mean anyone any harm." So quit apologizing, okay? "Besides, no one is going to be looking for us here." I nodded, and Nancy giggled. "So what chores can we do to help earn our keep?"

It turned out that the rain had washed out a large part of their garden, leaving lots of vegetables to be frozen, canned, or wasted. For the next two days, Rusty and I alternated between helping Nancy with preparation and helping Jonathan pick, pull, and dig. In the evenings, we listened to the radio and spent a lot of quiet time snuggling and thinking. Nancy was a hug-a-holic. And Rusty was not shy about snuggling another girl or upset for me to snuggle Nancy alone. I began to wonder how Nancy was going to cope when Rusty and I left. Every day, she seemed more alive and mobile.

On the fourth day, we cleaned up the yard and helped Jonathan collect downed trees for firewood. It was late in the afternoon, and we were enjoying some fresh-baked bread when we heard a helicopter. When we looked out and saw it belonged to the state police, Rusty and I were terrified, but Jonathan simply told us to stay in Nancy's bedroom unless he called for us. We heard the helicopter touch down in front of the cabin, and the engine shut down.

I clung to Rusty, afraid they had come to take us away. We almost lost it when Nancy rolled in and told us to come out and meet their visitors. We held each other, and in the living room, we came face to face with a pair of uniformed troopers. "Alexi, Rusty, meet my brother Jeremy and his partner Steve." We carefully shook hands with the two smiling men in uniform. "They brought us a bunch of fresh groceries courtesy of the state." He pointed to three large boxes by the kitchen.

Jonathan looked at me. "Alexi, I want to tell Jeremy and Steve about you two." They can be trusted and may have some ideas on what can be done to help you. "If nothing else, they might be willing to give you a lift out of here."

I started to shake, and Rusty grabbed me as I curled up into a ball on the floor. Nancy rolled over to us and slid out of her chair to join in the hug. When I looked at her, she nodded. I managed to get out, "Okay, but only if they promise to forget us if we ask."

The two looked concerned but nodded.

I unwound and, with Rusty's help, put Nancy on the couch. They both held me while Jonathan recited almost verbatim my story, including my dash for the creek. Steve cringed when he heard what my parents had done to me. "And you're really a boy, despite the..." Steve made hourglass motions. I nodded.  Jeremy didn't seem to have any ideas but was able to tell us all about the laws regarding runaways and unaccompanied children in the state. When Steve suddenly exclaimed, "I got it!" we stared at him.

"Jeremy, remember that crazy call we got just after we got out of the academy?" "The one about a busload of kids having been kidnapped and who were being hauled in chains to somewhere in the mountains?" It was like a flash went off. "If anyone would know how to help these two..." We all looked at them like they were nuts. Jeremy took the lead.

"It turned out that there is, and has been for many years, a strange high school dedicated to helping boys become girls, located in the western part of the state." The "kidnapped" kids were new students, some of whom were restrained for various reasons, all legal and everything. He looked thoughtful. "The idea has always given me the creeps, but..."

He looked at Rusty and me. "I can run some checks tomorrow, without raising any flags, to see if either of you are listed as missing or wanted." But it's time we got going. "We'll give Jonathan a call on his cell phone tomorrow afternoon if we learn anything." We all received hugs from Jeremy and soon watched as Steve piloted the chopper up and away from the clearing.

There was fresh milk, fruit, and a bunch of canned stuff that was immediately consigned to their pantry. We didn't talk much. I was scared and afraid, and Rusty seemed almost defiant. Nancy looked sad, and I realized she was anticipating our departure. Rusty and I told Nancy we needed some space to talk, and we curled up in a corner of the living room together.

"Alexi, if what the troopers said is true, there may be someone who can help you find out if you can return to being Alex."

"Why would they?" If it's a school for boys who want to be girls, they won't want to help me. "And what if the troopers were lying, and they are calling our parents right now to arrange for our return?"

"Then we claim that you were abused and force them to get you a medical evaluation." "I'll get stuck in a foster home again, but I'm used to that." She sounded worse than her words.

"Maybe I should just go back to the creek and..."

"And break your promise and hurt Nancy?" I looked at her and sighed deeply. She was right. I didn't want to cause anyone else harm. I held her close, and we fell asleep on the floor.

I woke up in Nancy's bed, sandwiched between Nancy and Rusty. I figured Jonathan must have picked us both up when we were asleep and put us in bed. It was so strange to be treated by an adult as something more than an irritant or burden, regardless of how I looked. It was a quiet morning. Nancy was depressed, and for some reason, Rusty seemed angry with the world. Jonathan seemed pensive and spent a lot of time talking quietly with Nancy.

In mid-afternoon, Jonathan received a call on his cellular telephone and headed outside to talk. I held tightly to Rusty and was not surprised when Nancy joined us. "Dad thinks that Uncle Jeremy is your best bet to find something before school starts." "Trust him, please?" We finally nodded. She seemed really upset.

"Nancy, you're afraid of what will happen when we leave." Aren't you?"  Trust Rusty to be to the point. Nancy covered her face and nodded. "You don't want to be alone anymore." Nancy grabbed Rusty and pulled her against her chair.

"I've been so lonely, and you and Alexi have been so wonderful and don't care if I'm crippled, and..." She broke down crying. I joined in the hug and wondered if my problems were really as bad as they seemed. That was how Jonathan found us when he came inside.

We separated and looked at him through tear-sticky eyes. "Hey, the news isn't all bad." He went and got enough tissues and damp washcloths to go around. Jeremy contacted that strange school, a place called the Janbury Academy, and they are apparently very willing to see what can be done to help Alexi. The bad news is that Rusty is listed as a runaway on the computer, even though you are not. So the moment she shows her face in public and someone recognizes or identifies her, she will be apprehended and shipped back.

I watched as Rusty seemed to deflate and sob on my shoulder. "Does she have to go back?"

"Jeremy told me that once she is officially "found," their hands are usually tied by federal law." Rusty was shaking, and I was suddenly afraid she would do something to herself rather than go back. "Before she, or anyone, gives up hope, Steve, in a very unofficial capacity, told me he had an idea."

We all looked up at Jonathan. "He wouldn't give me any details over the phone, but said they would be out in the next few days to discuss his idea and bring us more groceries." The bad news is that the road won't be fixed for at least two more weeks. The state has offered to fly us out and put us up in a shelter, but I told them we were fine here. "So whatever happens, no one is going anywhere for a while, except by helicopter."

Nancy broke out in smiles. Rusty and I just stared at each other. Here, we were safe but not making any progress. and school would start long before we could settle somewhere. I felt like my life was stuck in call waiting, and someone had disconnected the phone. Jonathan was not going to let any of us mope, and we wound up outside helping him repair the runoff damage to the long driveway as Nancy watched and gave us encouragement.

The next Wednesday came, and it was early afternoon when we again heard the sound of a helicopter coming in for a landing. Rusty and I hid in Nancy's room and were terrified when Jonathan, accompanied by Steve and Jeremy, escorted two strangers in to meet us. Jeremy made the introductions.

"Rusty, Alexi, and Nancy, "Meet Dr. Willis, from the Janbury Academy, and Sharon Taylor, from the State Division of Child Protection," Rusty screamed and tried to dash out of the room, but Steve easily caught her and carried her back inside.

"You promised and..."

"Rusty, I'm not here to take you away." Rusty and I looked at the woman. "Officially, I am here to check on an anonymously," she coughed and looked at Steve, "voiced concern about Nancy's health, which provided a convenient cover story for my visit. Steve asked me to come and talk to both of you to see if there is anything the state can do to help either of you. "Officially or unofficially." Steve put Rusty down, and she clung to me.

The man identified as Dr. Willis spoke up. "I am here because Jeremy called Janbury about your situation, and aside from being the head psychologist at Janbury Academy, I have a personal interest in children with gender identity issues." "Especially in cases where children have been forced into a conflicting gender role," He looked at me. "Alexi, or Alex, whichever you prefer, I would like to take you back to Janbury with me as my guest for several weeks." "There I can arrange for you to receive a complete physical and psychological examination, and you can meet and talk with other boys who are in the process of learning to be young women."

"They said everyone there wants to be a girl." I don't.  "I want to be a boy again."

"We have several students who have medical conditions that are causing them to develop as girls against their wishes, or who lost their male organs to accident or disease and are exploring the idea of becoming girls rather than just being neutral." We all stared at him.

"When the examinations and evaluation are finished, I will return you to Jonathan, and if you wish, any official record of your visit will conveniently disappear."

"But what about Rusty?"

The woman took over. "She would not fit in at Janbury, even as a visitor." They are adamant that no genetic girls are allowed. and her documentation would be difficult to handle there. However, my office has an unofficial hands-off policy concerning self-supporting runaways who are neither criminals nor dangers to themselves or others. With Steve's help, I looked up your record, which, aside from running away repeatedly, is clean. She looked hard at Rusty. "My first inclination was to simply leave you alone, per my agreement with Steve." "But Jeremy made a suggestion, so I made an off-record call to my counterparts back in your state."

Rusty managed a "Nooo..." and slid to the floor, sobbing. "You promised and..."

"And hear me out." You have no advocates back in the Midwest, especially in their overloaded child protection system. When I suggested that we enroll you in a program here, they were more than willing to fax us a release turning you over to this state's responsibility. and, I should add, this state's financial responsibility as well. "So as of this morning, you are officially under the jurisdiction of my office." Rusty looked startled and scared.

"Are you going to take me away?"

"That depends on Jonathan." Since, according to the police, you have no criminal record, there is no reason to consider you a danger to yourself or others. Like most states, we have few placements for older children. "But we do have the discretion of placing a needy child over the age of fourteen with a friend's family if that family is willing to accept the child." We could hear Nancy gasp. The woman faced Jonathan. "We provide a stipend of a little over five hundred dollars a month to cover a child's food and necessities, and we pay for medical care for the child." "This would allow Rusty to remain with Nancy if the three of you agree."