I Shouldn't Have Been A Girl - Part 2

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Nancy rolled over my foot on her way to Rusty. "Please stay with me." Her voice was almost desperate. Rusty looked at me, and I nodded. It was a wet threesome that agreed that Rusty was to stay. I was surprised when Dr. Willis asked me if it bothered me that Rusty had found a place for herself.

"She is my best friend." She deserves to have a family. "I just wish I had one that cared for me." He gave me a hug.

"Ready to come with me?" "I still promise to return you to Jonathan when we're finished." Rusty was listening and came over to me.

"Alexi, I" I nodded.

"Let's go before I change my mind."

I was wedged tightly between Mrs. Taylor and Dr. Willis in the back of the helicopter as we flew over the mountains. When we landed at the state police barracks in Montpelier, I was afraid I'd been tricked, but Dr. Willis said he didn't want a police helicopter to scare the others at Janbury, so we were driving back. Jeremy, Steve, and Mrs. Taylor all gave me hugs and wished me well. It was a long drive, and the strain took its toll. Dr. Willis woke me up when we were parked. "Alexi, were you here?" I sat up and looked around. It looked like a school. Only girls were visible. "Yes, every student you see is really a boy."

"But they look like real girls!" I paused as a very male-looking girl passed by the car. "Well, most of them, anyway." He chuckled.

"You will be staying in the same dormitory as the other students here and attending classes with them, just like a regular student." Classes begin next week, so you will have a chance to get to know many of the other students before school starts. He looked at me. "You are already more feminine than many of the students here, whether you like it or not." "Regardless of the outcome of your physical, I recommend making the most of your time here." He escorted me to a room on the second floor of a dormitory. There, I met the girl who was to be my roommate.

"Hi, Dr. W!" A tall, leggy redhead with beautiful eyes came over and gave him a kiss. "And who is your pretty companion?" She extended a large, well-manicured hand to me.

"Tammy,   Meet Alexi.   Alexi, meet Tammy. Tammy is a third-year student here and is one of the students who has always wanted to be a girl. He turned to Tammy. "Alexi is a runaway who was forcibly feminized by her mother and is trying to find out whether she can ever return to being a boy." I was surprised at the look of pity that crossed Tammy's face. "So please help her in any way you can." She will be attending school here for at least several weeks, so she will need the standard new student orientation. He looked at his watch. "And she should get ready for dinner, as we have had a long day." With that, he gave me a hug and left.

Tammy and I stared at each other. "So you don't want to be a girl?" I shook my head. She looked carefully at my chest. "They're real, right?" I nodded.   "Half the girls here will be green with envy." "Mine finally started growing last year." She stuck out her chest. I was bigger.

"Dr. Willis said you always wanted to be a girl." She smiled.

"Ever since I was little, I felt like I was born in the wrong body." I always liked to play with dolls and dress them in pretty outfits. My father thought I was a sissy and gave me hell, and Mom just thought I was weird. I guess I was lucky. The psychologist they sent me to understood that my situation was not something you could treat and change, so he managed to get my parents to let me be a girl part-time as I grew up. "When they finally realized I was, inside, their daughter, not their son, they sent me here to help me learn to be a girl." She got up and looked at me. "When I'm old enough, I want to have the surgery to make me a complete girl." But for now, I'm content to take my hormones and learn the skills other girls learn at home.

Anyway, you need to get ready for dinner. "Do you have anything other than shorts and tank tops?" I nodded and pulled a miniskirt out of my backpack. She shook her head. "Tell you what, take a shower, and I'll see if I can find you something appropriate." "Dinners here are sort of formal." I found myself handed a razor, shaving gel, shampoo, and a towel and was propelled into the large bathroom our room shared with another couple of students. There was lots of hot water, and I luxuriated for a while before attending to business. When I came out, wrapped in a towel, I found Tammy and another girl waiting for me. I blushed and tried to hide.

"Hey, I didn't mean to scare you." "This is Felicity, who's going to help me find you some clothes." I looked at the new girl. She was almost exactly my size and build. and she was holding a tape measure. "So drop the towel and let's get started." When I hesitated, Felicity spoke up.

"Hey, like, we're all girls here." She attempted a vamp, and I realized that here, how I was built didn't matter. So I dropped the towel. I was checked over from top to bottom. "Good God, girl, I wish I had a figure like that." I blushed.

"But you're..."   She pulled off her blouse and bra.

"Lots of padding, darn it." But mine are still growing, so there's a chance. but I'm still jealous. "Now hold still, 'cause I need to get the measurements right." I stood still while she measured. She looked at my crotch, and I cringed. "I don't think you need a gaff." "Do you get much bigger when...?"

"Not really."   I looked at my feet. "I'm not even sure if it still works."

"Alexi's mother turned her into a girl, and she doesn't want to be like us, but she isn't sure if she can be a boy again either." Felicity stared at me. "Dr. W. brought her here to see if anything could be done." So he asked me to do my best to help her fit in while they ran some tests and things.

"God, I'm sorry." "Like, a lot of us wish our families would have done what your mother did, but..." She looked unhappy. "Maybe I should just forget about..."

"No."   They stared at me. I was thinking again about what Sophia Manyfeathers had said. I chose to travel and fit in as a girl. What had she said? "A wise person told me that I had chosen a perilous path and that I traveled it with my head high." "So if I have to look and act like a girl, I'm going to do it right." That got me hugs and a tear or two from Tammy.

"Well, then let's get started." Felicity smiled.   "I'll be back in a couple of minutes." Put on a pair of pants. "No more sports bras for you." She rushed out of the room, and I heard Tammy chuckle.

"Well, while you are waiting, I'm going to get dressed." I watched as she stripped and put on what almost looked like an evening gown that set off her long legs. She had to tuck her male parts into a funny elastic garment. When she saw my questioning look, she shrugged. "It's called a gaff, and it keeps everything out of the way." When she added a pair of towering heels and brushed out her hair, there was no evidence she was or had ever been, anything other than a tall, strikingly attractive girl. I was complimenting her on her appearance when Felicity returned. She had changed into a long dress and heels, and she looked really nice.

"This can't be worn with a bra, and I'm not big enough to make it look decent." She held up a soft, deep-blue velvet dress with a daring neckline. "On you, it should be awesome." She handed me the dress, a garter belt and stockings, and a pair of heels. "Hope the shoes fit." I got them from Amy, who says they are last year's fashion, and you can keep them if they work.

Once I was in the stockings, they helped me with the dress. It had a built-in corset.

Soon I was standing very straight as they laced the dress on. Then came the shoes. I was suddenly glad for Mom's making me practice in heels, as they were at least four inches tall. Finally, the girls did my hair and added makeup and lipstick. They looked me over and, with strange expressions, led me into the hall to a set of large mirrors.

I stared at myself. Mom had always dressed me up to look ridiculous, like a boy in girl's clothes. Rusty had dressed me so I could pass as a girl in public. But now I was dressed as a young woman, and I suddenly felt different inside. My breasts swelled against the dress as I breathed deeply. My hair framed my face and swung softly against my bare skin. It was as though I was suddenly in tune with my body after fighting the way I looked for so long.

They caught me as my knees buckled and managed to get me to a chair. "Alexi, what's wrong?" Tammy's voice was tinged with fear.

"Am I awake?" "What is happening?" I waved at myself: "This suddenly feels so, so right!" I started to shake, and they held me until I stopped quivering.

"Do you need us to go get Dr. Willis?"

"I'm just so confused." "I'm not supposed to like wearing girls' clothes, but these are so different." "It's like my body belongs in them, and that's wrong because I'm a boy, but they're so pretty and..."

"And we are going to miss dinner if we don't get moving." "Feel up to some food?" I looked at Tammy and nodded. "And you really do look good in that outfit." I was walking on air as we headed for the cafeteria. I found myself strutting, my body swaying as I adapted my walk to the corset and tall heels. I no longer felt like a freak, and I reveled in the freedom I was experiencing.

Dinner was a blur. The meal was excellent, but it could have been ham sandwiches for all that mattered. All of my mother's lessons in manners and etiquette suddenly found an outlet. Felicity was staring at me as I carefully finished my dessert, blotting my lips on a napkin. "You said you don't want to be a girl, but you are as feminine as anyone here."

"My mother made me act like a girl, and I hated it." Yet, dressed like this, it all seems to fit. "I'm confused as hell, but for the first time in years, I don't feel like a freak, and I don't want to break the spell." I looked at her, feeling the old fears well up inside. "Please don't ask me to explain." "I don't understand." She and Tammy hugged me, and I felt warm and happy inside.

When we got back to our room, it took them several tries before I agreed to take off the dress. I was so afraid the feelings would go away with the beautiful velvet. But when Felicity loaned me a silky nightgown, the feelings returned, and I curled up in my bed and ignored my misgivings as I let my mind wander to thoughts of Rusty, the two of us, dressed alike, living together as wife and wife.

I was still dreaming when the insistent pressure inside told me it was time to get up. Tammy was sitting up in bed, watching me. "That must have been some dream; you were smiling and kissing the pillow." I turned red from my toes. and dashed madly for the bathroom. When I came out, Tammy was getting dressed in a short skirt and tank top. "We only do formals for dinner and certain classes." "And on weekends, comfort is the way to go."

"Am I crazy?"

She sat on her bed and looked at me. "Why?"

"Because all of a sudden, I don't feel it's wrong to look and act like a girl."

"It's not wrong."

"I'm not a girl." "I don't want to be a girl."

"There is a difference between being a girl and looking and acting like one." Some of us, like me, need to be girls. down to nursing babies, wedding gowns, and having husbands. Others just need to be feminine but like being boys and want wives and families. I stared at her. "Don't you see, there is no one right or wrong for everyone?"

"But what about Felicity?" "Doesn't she want to be a girl?"

"Hell no.   She loves being soft, feminine, and pretty. But even if I suggest she get her male parts cut off, she turns green. "I wish mine would fall off today." "Now while you are totally confused, let's go get some breakfast before they close." She had to propel me out the door.

I spent the day, which was warm and humid, getting a tour of the facilities and grounds and a thorough briefing on the school's rules and regulations. One thing was obvious: I was in better physical condition than most of the others. It was also obvious that the students varied from being so absolutely feminine that I almost refused to believe they were really boys to those who looked like I usually felt—a boy in a skirt. But all seemed to be trying to be who—or was it what—they needed to be.

which brought up the question: Who and what did I need to be? So I chased Tammy off and found myself a quiet spot on a stone bench where I could sit in the shade and think. For so long, I'd been fighting who I was and had lost sight of what I wanted. I wanted to be a boy, but now it seemed that being a boy had a whole lot of different meanings. What was a boy or a girl, anyway?

a set of chromosomes? No, that defined male and female. Reproductive organs?   Same.   appearance is simply a shell. How one looks at life What was it that Sophia said? I was taking a different path through life.

Did my mother's forcing me to look and act like a girl change who I was? I stared at the open field in front of me. Mom had changed my shell, but I was still the same person inside. Tammy was trapped in a boy's shell and was fighting to make her shell match the girl inside. Felicity wanted to have a girl's shell but was really a boy inside. I was getting a headache.

I was wearing the shell of a girl and carrying the soul of a boy inside. Mom couldn't make a girl out of me because she had no control over who I was, just what I looked like. Rusty didn't care what shell I wore. Neither did Nancy. So what was the problem? All at once, I felt like a complete idiot. Nancy didn't change when she lost her ability to walk. Her appearance and how she saw herself did

I got up and headed off to find Tammy. I finally found her at the swimming pool. So I headed back to the room. Rusty had insisted on buying me a bathing suit, even though I had told her I would never wear anything that feminine. I dug it out of my pack and squeezed myself into it. Aside from some strange tan lines, I looked pretty good. A quick check for stray hairs said I needed a trim. I giggled when I realized I was worried about my bikini line. a few minutes with a razor, and I grabbed a towel and headed for the pool.

Tammy almost inhaled water when I wiggled up to her. "Um, I thought you said..."

"I need to ask you some questions." "Want to sit in the shade?" She nodded, and we found an empty bench.

"Am I a boy or girl?" Tammy stared at me with a shocked expression. "Not biologically.   "Am I a boy or girl?" "Be honest; it's important."

She sat there thinking and looked troubled. "Alexi, no one is entirely a boy or girl inside." At least that's what they've taught me here, and I think it's correct. How we think, feel, and react to the world and how we fit in determines if we're more boyish or more girlish. I've known you for a little more than a day. Usually, I can tell pretty quickly, but you don't fit either pattern very well. "I think you could be either."

"Do I have to choose?" She looked at me.

"That part is something we are born with," just like our bodies. "And it's easier to change how we look than who we are." Tammy shivered, despite the warm day. "You are feeling like there is no place for you, right?" I nodded.   "A lot of kids like me have killed themselves because they never accepted who they are inside." I was lucky. I am who I am, and I like who I am. "There is nothing wrong or diseased about it." She held tightly to my hand.

"If you got up in the morning and it was pitch black in the room, would you know who you were?" I nodded.   "Then, are you a boy or a girl?"

"I don't even think about it. I'm me."

"Then what's the problem?" All sorts of little lights went on, and I felt like I'd won the Idiot of the Month award.

"But what if they say I can't go back to being a boy?"

"What's a boy?" I was beginning to like the taste of my own feet.

"I mean, what if I can't go back to looking like a boy?"

"Is it really important?" I thought about the velvet dress and the jeans and shirts most girls wore. I had my feet in it up to my ankles.

"What if I can't have kids?" It burned as it came out. That was the real question. not how I looked, but if I could fill the role of a biological father.

Tammy pulled me to my feet. "We need to get you to Dr. Willis." I pulled her back to the bench.

"I'm not going to hurt myself." I looked at her. "You can't get pregnant, so how do you handle it?" She grabbed me and started to cry. Soon we were surrounded by other girls wanting to help. Tammy finally got it together and chased them off, saying we were okay.

"Let's go get ready for dinner, and I'll try and explain." We headed for the room, hand-in-hand.

On Tuesday, I went to the clinic for a complete physical. By the time they were finished, I had been poked, stuck, mortally embarrassed, and examined in places I had always considered off-limits. Tammy met me as I walked bow-legged out of the clinic. "I see they gave you their special treatment."

"Oww..."

"Don't worry, in a day or two everything will have shrunk back to normal size."

I tried to wither her with my look, but when I concentrated, I had to pucker or have an accident. "No one warned me about the television camera!"

"Would you have shown up if they had?" I was too sore to take a swat at her. "So go take a long, hot shower, then change for dinner." Food was not what I wanted. But the shower helped, and Tammy borrowed a loose jumper and some extra-soft pants for me. and a sanitary pad.

"Um, like I'm not a real girl?"

"Keep things clean if you leak." I turned a bit green. and added the pad to my undies.

Dinner was quiet, and I didn't feel like eating much. I got a lot of sympathetic looks, and more than a couple of girls suggested I go to bed early. I didn't need their suggestions. I was asleep by seven.

The rest of the week was an introduction to femininity and school style. We had four hours of intense regular subjects, which I found enjoyable. The lack of people making fun of me was the difference. We spent the afternoons studying fashion, makeup, deportment, and the myriad other skills that genetic girls learned as they grew up. In some areas, I was with the most advanced students; in others, I was a rank beginner. But here, the students wanted to learn, and the jokes were lighthearted.

Dr. Willis told me the results of the physicals would not be back until the middle of the next week and started on his evaluation of me. Soon, I knew how a lobster felt. or a well-done steak. Saturday was a wonderful break. Tammy, Felicity, and several other girls planned a picnic and included me. Even the weather cooperated. By the end of the day, I finally understood how other kids felt when they were a part of the fun. and never wanted to leave. Sunday we cleaned, did laundry, and did other mundane tasks while I was still basking in the glow from the picnic. The only thing missing was Rusty. Dr. Willis said that by the end of next week, they should have the telephone lines to Jonathan's place repaired, and I would be able to give Rusty a call.

On Monday and Tuesday, I had short appointments with Dr. Willis and began to worry that I was losing touch with the boy side of me.