I Shouldn't Have Been A Girl - Part 3

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Janbury was like a fairy-tale land. Not that I wanted to be a girl, but the acceptance of who I was and how I appeared was so different from my many years in the Midwest. Tammy was worrying about me on Tuesday because I was too nervous to eat dinner. "Tomorrow I get the results of my physical." Now she was worried, too.

Tammy wanted to skip school and join me at my conference with Dr. Willis and the medical doctor, but I pointed out that they probably wouldn't let her stay anyway. So she gave me a hug and a kiss, and she wished me luck. I wished myself luck as I walked to the appointment. I was just not sure what I was wishing for.

"They began with the routine stuff, and as I expected, I was in excellent physical condition and very healthy. "Alexi, you are also developing well as a young woman. "I know that this is not what you wanted to hear, but the fact is that you are mostly through a girl's puberty and have none of the features, such as a prominent Adam's apple or brow ridges, that make it difficult for many of the students here to successfully attain a feminine appearance." I looked sadly at her. She looked at Dr. Willis, who nodded. "The results of the tests on your fertility are back. As you feared, it appears that the large doses of anti-androgens and hormones your mother gave you have completely eliminated sperm production. Much as I hate to tell you this, it appears you are irreversibly sterile. I'm sorry."

I stared at the doctor and the floor. "There is nothing that can be done."

"Not at the present time." "Given the rate at which medicine is progressing, perhaps in ten or twenty years they may find a way to stimulate the body to regenerate the lost tissues, but for now, there is nothing medical science can do." I sat there trying to comprehend the finality of it while she gave me a long-term prescription for a slightly modified hormone dosage and added a hug before leaving.

"Do you want to hear my report, or was that enough for one day?" I looked at Dr. Willis. His expression was inscrutable.

"Does it really matter? Now I'm stuck like this forever." I motioned at my dress. "Even if I could go back to looking like a boy, there's no profit in doing so." "No girl deserves to marry someone who can't meet her needs or father her children."

"According to whom?"

"Everyone knows that..." I bit off my reply. That is what I heard and read. But so many things were not as they had seemed. I tried to recover. "Well, it makes sense." As it came out, I knew I was in for it.

"And what does the ability to have children have to do with the way you look?" There was no good answer to that. "The real problem is that you are, from your point of view, trapped in a no-win situation. You equate the ability to father children with being male and the ability to bear children with being female. And being unable to do either, you believe that there is no place for you, correct?"

I slowly nodded. "And you are aware how ridiculous that is?" I felt sick. "If you had been injured in a car wreck and lost your private parts, would you feel the same way?"

"But that's different!"

"Yes.   " You would look like a boy and still be unable to have children and, as you put it, meet the needs of a woman. "Would that mean your ability to enjoy life is over?"

I had to ponder what he was saying. The only difference would be my appearance.

"What your mother did to you was wrong, but it is old history, and you can't change the past." "Part of growing up is learning to accept those things you cannot change and go forward."

"But I'll always be alone, and no one will ever love me." He looked sadly at me and shook his head. I realized I was throwing out old arguments when I knew better. "Okay, you've made your point." I got up and stretched. "So, oh great, know-it-all, what should I do?" He chuckled.

"Quit worrying about who you are and listen to your feelings about who you are." "Use what is in your head, not what is missing from your underwear." He also got up and stretched. "We need to get out of this office and into the fresh air. Feel like going into town for dinner, my treat?" I looked at how I was dressed. It suddenly didn't seem to matter as much. I nodded.

As he drove me through the late-summer countryside, we talked about his psychological evaluation of me. "Remember all those questions about how you responded to different situations? Many of those questions are part of a very detailed analysis of just how masculine or feminine your personality is. " All of the regular students undergo the same testing, much of which was developed by my predecessor, to ensure that they can benefit from Janbury's unique approach. Because you have been forced against your will to become feminine, I was extremely interested, as a scientist, in what your responses would be. We turned onto the main highway.

"Putting it bluntly, your innate personality is masculine, strongly enough that I would never have recommended you attend Janbury. But you are far less psychologically masculine than the average adolescent male. Some of that could be attributed to the hormones you have been taking, but you were, by your own admission, never an aggressive, rough-and-tumble youngster." Your own statement that your stay here at Janbury has been the most enjoyable time of your life, even though the activities here are anything male-oriented, confirms this.

"Does this mean you think I want to be a girl?"

"No, that would be asking too much. But I believe that, given my observations and your responses, you are capable of choosing either the path of a boy or a girl. What Doctor Simmons did not tell you is that it is possible for you, with androgen treatments and surgery, to return to a reasonably masculine appearance. "It is my professional recommendation that you not choose that option." "For several reasons."

"You mean I can go back to being a boy?"

"You can return to an outwardly masculine appearance."

I sat there quietly as we traveled and thought about what had been driving me for so long. And about Rusty and Nancy, what was really important in life? Dr. Willis, let me cry to myself. I was red-eyed and stuffy when we pulled off the highway into a small town. "Still want some dinner?" I managed a nod.

I spent quite a while in the lady's room repairing my face and washing the red out of my eyes. The small restaurant served Italian food, and Dr. Willis called a time-out while we ate a wonderful dinner. I found myself expecting him to ask me if the food tasted different when I was wearing pants instead of a skirt. Then I remembered the baskets Rusty and I wove at the retreat. Sophia was right. The patterns were ours, and my pattern had nothing to do with who I was. It all came from inside. I had been forced onto a path few others followed. But it was mine to choose which turn to take. What did she say about perils and rewards? They were my challenge and my reward.

Because of me, Rusty had found the family she so desperately needed. Because of her, I came east and learned about myself. Our lives were still connected. I needed to ask her what she thought. And thinking about Rusty and Nancy, I realized how absurd my fighting my body really was. "You win."

He looked at me and raised his eyebrows. "I didn't know we were competing."

"I can try to change back, but for what?" I think I just realized that I have accepted that the person inside is what is important. I waved at my body and said, "The shell keeps us warm." He smiled and gave me a long, soft hug.

As we drove back towards Janbury, I wondered what I would do when I had to leave in a few days. "Dr. Willis, what would it take for me to remain at Janbury and graduate?"

He sighed.    "Janbury is a private school." The only reason I was able to bring you here is that my research is important to their program. "Tuition is as expensive as many of the Ivy League colleges, and there are no remaining scholarships available for this semester."

"If I could find a way to get the money, would you recommend me for admission?"

"Yes, but I am at a loss as to how you could raise that much money quickly."

My mind was working overtime. "I need to talk to Rusty and to that woman from the state who flew out to meet us at Jonathan's. But I need one thing from you." I paused.    "Can you, in good conscience, state that I have been abused by my parents?"

"Why?"

"I have trusted you. Please trust me."

"Then the answer is yes."

It was Saturday when I received a call from Rusty. She sounded happier than I had ever heard her. "Jonathan is considering adopting me, Alexi. But that would mean that I couldn't go with you, and..."

"I'm not going anywhere, Rusty." "The results of the medical tests were what I was afraid of: I'll never be able to have children." There was a long silence at the other end of the line.

"Damn, damn, damn, why is it that when I finally find a home, you have to have your life ruined, and..."

"Rusty, I can live with it. But can you?"

"Alexi, I don't care if you can't get me pregnant. You are my friend, and I love you." I started to cry.

"Rusty, I've got to go now. I'll call you in a couple of days. Love you."

"Alexi, are you going to be okay?" There was fear in her voice.

"I'm just really emotional right now. And yes, I'll be fine." "What will be a good time to call you?"

"After seven, but before noon tomorrow." Anytime Monday.    "Tuesday I will be taking the bus with Nancy to the school."

"I'll try to call Monday." Love you.    Take care.    And give everyone a hug and a kiss for me, okay? Bye."

I stared at the telephone. I needed to write down what I was planning.

Tammy understood when I told her about my physical health and the discussion I had with Dr. Willis. We shared tears, as she again wished she and I could trade places.

On Monday, I went to the administration building and called the woman from the state, Sharon Taylor, who had helped Rusty. When I got off the telephone, my expression was hard. I took my written plan and went looking for Dr. Willis.

I found him chatting with a student, and I patiently waited until he was free to approach. "Hello, Alexi."    He looked at me closely. "What's wrong?"    There was no concealment of concern in his voice. I sat next to him.

"I'm going home to confront my mother." His eyes narrowed. "As Alexi, a confident teenage girl, I will take away any chance she has of feeling she has succeeded in ruining my life." I took a deep breath. "Then I intend to give her an ultimatum. Either she agrees to pay, in advance, two years of tuition here for me and agrees to approve my petition for emancipation, or she will face criminal child abuse and neglect charges." Dr. Willis sat there quietly for a moment.

"Alexi,    You are taking a great chance. Although there is no doubt in my mind that you were abused, I don't know how the laws in your state work. You could find yourself a ward of the state without a penny. Or she could become irrational and violent and cause you harm."

"Sharon Taylor, the lady who helped Rusty, said that she would check into how my home state works. She thinks that what I want to do is risky, but she has no better ideas. And this is the only way I can think of to get enough money for tuition."

"You are telling me that you have decided to stay as a young woman." "Are you sure about your decision?" He was watching me carefully.

"Inside, I will stay who I am." "Outside," I shrugged, "I am going to go with my body." "Even in my short time here, I've learned to appreciate what I have. I looked sharply at him. "I will need a letter and psychological report from you. Sharon says that the law requires you, under normal circumstances, to report child abuse cases to the police. Because the police brought me to your attention, it is her opinion that you have met your legal obligation. But without some sort of formal documentation, all I will have is my word against my parents, at least at first."

"What if she becomes violent?" "You have said you are afraid of her."

"That is a chance I will take. But I am no longer afraid of who she is. Her power over me is broken. And even in a skirt and heels, I can outrun her." I smiled.   "I doubt that she will come after me if I run down the street screaming rape. Besides, I will make sure our meetings will be in a public place."

"There are still many risks."

"There is a risk that I will get killed on the bus trip home." "I have made the decision to live." "So will you write up a letter and an evaluation I can take with me?" Dr. Willis sat there with his eyes closed, thinking for quite a while. When he opened his eyes, he nodded.

"It will take at least a day. I will take you to the bus depot in Montpellier on Sunday. That should get you home early during the day on Tuesday. But before I can write the letter, I need to talk to Sharon and perhaps to someone back in your home state." "Do I have your permission to discuss what we have talked about with both of them?"

My stomach churned. There are so many private thoughts and revelations. But there was no other way. I nodded.    "Please don't tell them everything. Unless it is absolutely necessary, leave Rusty out of this. "No matter what, she is not to be harmed." He nodded.

"Are you going to be okay?" He was looking at me and shaking.

"I will make it. I made it this far, and I'm not turning back." He hugged me, and I cried on his shoulder for a while. When he let me go, I blotted my eyes and made my way slowly back to my room. It felt funny to refer to the room as "mine." I was just a visitor. I straightened and pulled myself together and said to myself, "Soon enough, I won't be a visitor any longer."

When Tammy came back after class, she tried to give me the third degree, and I claimed starvation and mental exhaustion. So we ate a quiet dinner together, and when we returned to the room, I sat on my bed and told her the whole ugly story. We both did a lot of crying.

"Alexi, are you sure you can face this?" "Once you leave here, there is no turning back." I nodded.

"I will succeed or die trying. It's a lot better than dying of loneliness and unhappiness. And no matter what, I will not give her the satisfaction of success."

"Is revenge really that important?"

I barely made it to the bathroom before I was sick. I was trying to use revenge as a shield. Even as much as I hated what Mom had done to me, I now understood why Rusty was so lonely in a foster home. I take a long, hot shower to help me clean up and try to soak away some of the feelings. Tammy held me when I came out. I fell asleep, sniffling, on her shoulder.

I went to school with Tammy in the morning. She was right; it helped me take my mind off my troubles. And it felt so good to be with others who cared enough to hold me when the terror grew and I started to shake and cry.

Friday afternoon, I called Rusty and told her my plans. After she finished screaming, she insisted on accompanying me back. "No.    I must do this on my own. And I won't take a chance on anyone else getting hurt."

"But you'll be alone, and I love you and..."

"And I love you, and that is why I must do this myself. Rusty, don't you see? This is what I need to bring closure to. When I leave, I will either have a family or be free. Either way, I will no longer be trapped in this no-man's land."

"What will you do if they won't pay for you to go to school?"

"Then I will fight for my emancipation and find some way to return here and be with you."

It was a wet conversation. Dr. Willis was waiting for me when I left the office after the call. "Are you prepared to go?" I looked at him through my reddened eyes. "And are you going to take Rusty back with you?"

"I will be packed and ready Sunday morning.