The Girl He Could Be - Part 2

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Tim headed for the juniors' department. 

This time he would ask for help immediately when a girl showed up. He took a second to check his hair again in a mirror. He couldn't see anything wrong with it. It must have been his imagination, he decided. He skirted the department, looking for what he wanted. When he spotted the displays of shorts, he turned in between the racks. 

There were several girls in the area, but they were busy in their own search for what they wanted. He went directly to the rack of bicycle pants, and, as he expected, a salesgirl spotted him. Brandy spotted her first and took off to help her. Laura had beaten her to it twice tonight, and they worked on commissions. "Hi, can I help you?" She looked like she knew what she wanted. 

Tim saw her coming. She was young, not much older than him. Was she more astute than the last two older women? She made Tim nervous. "I was just trying to find my size."

 He didn't pay much attention to her; he concentrated on finding the shorts in his size. He knew that he needed the same size as the panties he bought a few minutes ago. What bothered him was that the shorts were only marked small, medium, or large. "You're definitely a small." 

Brandy told her. She was sure she already knew it, but it never hurts to compliment a customer. Brandy grabbed a pair off the rack. 

"These would look fantastic on you with your coloring." The girl had beautiful brown hair; the bright floral ones would definitely be right for her. They were so bright and colorful. He had planned on buying a plain white pair, but. 

"Okay, I'll take them."

 As nervous as he was, he was easily swayed. That was easy, thought Brandy.

 "You want the top too, don't you?" She won't give her a chance to think about it. "It's right here." 

She grabbed one from the size seven section off the rack and showed her the red sleeveless crop top. "The red looks the best with that print." He hadn't planned on buying a top like that, but it would look great with it. He had to worry about his money; there were a few other things he wanted too. "How much is it?" Brandy continued to bubble with enthusiasm, "If you buy it with the shorts, it's only fourteen dollars." It would be tight, but he could afford it. "I'll take it. I wanted to find a pair of plain white walking shorts, the kind with the cuffs and the high-belted, paper-bag waist." 

He had seen them in a catalog. Brandy had to think for a second. 

"We've got them." She said with a smile and turned and took off at a fast walk. Tim followed her. When she found them and held them up, they were exactly what he was looking for. "Perfect." 

There was no doubt that she wore a size seven; Brandy didn't even bother asking, and the girl obviously trusted her. "What else can I show you?" This was too easy. 

 "I'd like to find a top to go with the shorts." The salesgirl dressed the way he wanted to look. Let her pick something out, he took a chance. Brandy was having fun. She liked customers like her. 

"I know the perfect blouse, and it's on sale. I've been waiting to get it myself." She took off again. Tim thought she was funny and cute. She certainly had energy. 

He followed her again. The girl was well ahead of him. She held up a two-tone, blue chambray shirt with lace trim on the short sleeves. "Is this perfect or what?" She said with a big smile. Brandy loved it. Tim agreed. He nodded. "Great, I knew you'd love it."

 Brandy said, smiling. Tim was having trouble hanging on to everything. Brandy saw her struggling. "I'll take care of them for you." 

Tim was a little relieved. There was just one more outfit he wanted. He knew he shouldn't, but he really wanted a black spandex skirt and a top to go with it. He found the rack of skirts before the girl returned. 

"I'm going to take this, and I want to get a blouse with it." Tim was becoming more and more relaxed. Brandy went crazy: "Please, please. I know just the top." Tim couldn't help but smile at her. 

"Okay, show me."

 The girl didn't go as far this time, and the top she produced was again perfect. It was a pale pink cotton-nylon blend with a lacy trim on the open neckline and short sleeves. Brandy didn't have to sell the girl; she could see it in her eyes. 

Tim knew he had to stop. He had allowed himself a little extra, and he spent it. The girl took the skirt and blouse, and Tim stopped to just glance at another blouse for a second. He walked up to the desk where the girl was standing and looked for his things. Brandy looked up, surprised to see the girl standing in front of her. "Oh, hi. I put everything in the third stall for you." 

She said, smiling, then turned back to what she had been doing. 

The third stall? Then it dawned on him. She expects me to try everything on. Tim stood there vacillating. He hadn't planned on that. He couldn't go into the girl's dressing room. Brandy looked up again and saw that she was still standing there. 

It dawned on her, "You don't know where the dressing rooms are. I'm so stupid, let me show you." They were around the corner, and if she had never shopped here before, she couldn't know. 

There was no way out of it; he followed her into the dressing rooms, terrified. There were half a dozen girls in there trying things on. The stalls only had five-foot-high walls with short curtains in front. What was he going to do? "I'll hang on to that for you." Brandy reached for her bag. 

"Oh, thanks." Tim gave it to her. She pulled the curtain closed when he numbly stepped in. "If you need any help, just call me. I'm Brandy." 

The girl left him there. Tim adjusted the curtain. Brandy hadn't closed it all the way. Waist up was all he could see of anyone. Except the girl in the next stall. Her, he could see all of. How was he going to take off his skirt and blouse here? Surely someone will notice that he's wearing falsies.

 If he takes off his skirt and the girl in the next stall should just happen to take a look, she'd get the shock of her life. It wasn't that he was well-hung; he wasn't big at all. In fact, he felt it was embarrassingly small. But it did still bulge out the flimsy material of his panties. 

 Tim couldn't just stand there forever. 

He turned away from the girl on the other side of the wall and dropped his skirt. He quickly pulled up the bicycle shorts, tucking himself well between his legs. He pushed and pulled until his male member didn't show. 

Still facing away from everyone, he took off his blouse and put on the crop top. He quickly shifted and adjusted the forms in his bra. He was satisfied that he looked all right. The mirrors were the next problem. 

They were at either end of the dressing room, one by the entrance and one at the back wall. Tim chose the one at the back wall. There was only one girl between him and it, in a stall. There were four or five girls at the other end. He felt a little awkward as he walked toward the rear of the dressing room. He watched his reflection as he walked right up to the mirror. He liked what he saw; he was convincing. 

The outfit fit tight, just like it was supposed to, on a girl. He liked it. The bright print shorts with the red top looked terrific. 

"I told you." Her image in the mirror had blocked her view. Brandy had walked up right behind her. 

"You look good in that; you have the shape for it. A slim waist and slender hips." He didn't turn around. He could see her well enough in the mirror. Tim took a better look at himself. He agreed. "I do like it." 

"Great. Why don't you go try on the others?" She had other customers to tend to. 

Tim went back and, with the same care, put on the other two outfits and checked himself out in the mirror. The salesgirl didn't come back until he had finished putting his clothes back on. 

He was glad that was over. It didn't feel right being in here with all these girls half-dressed. He was safe from discovery, but he felt like a peeping tom. He handed one hundred and ten dollars to the girl at the desk. It was a lot to spend, but it was worth it. 

 Tim had one last stop to make. He stepped into the safety of the main aisle again. He was sure no salesgirl ever attacked a customer when they were in the main aisle. The shoe department was next. Tim stood in the aisle looking in. 

 He had seen an ad in the paper for what he wanted. Two pairs of flats for twenty dollars. He definitely needed flats. He had a pair of low white heels and the sneakers, but that was all. He had to have flats for the outfits he bought tonight. Tim spotted the shoes he was looking for and walked into the department, still unsure of himself but not nearly as nervous as he had been earlier. It was becoming less threatening. At least here he only had to take off his sneakers and socks. 

"May I help you, Miss?" She was cute. He wondered how old she was. She to be what... 17? That was old enough. He was only 19. 

The guy surprised Tim. He quickly collected his wits. This was really strange. He had worried about being able to fool the salesgirls; it never occurred to him that he'd have to deal with a guy. Tim stood by the sale display. "Do you have that white flat, the one with the bow, in a size eight?" Tim pointed to the shoe he wanted. He was particularly careful with his voice and avoided looking directly at the guy. "I think so; let me go look. I'll be right back; don't go away." 

 She had a sexy voice too. What the hell was that size she told me? I think she said a size eight, but she looked more like a seven and a half, he thought to himself. Tim sat and took off his sneakers and socks while he waited. He remembered when he sat to keep his knees together and slide his feet back to one side when he sat down. 

He practiced a lot at home; he didn't have any trouble remembering now. Tim watched as the salesman came toward him, coming through the curtain from the back room. 

"I grabbed you a pair of peds; I thought you might need them." He sat in front of her on his little stool. 

Tim slipped on the little stocking feet. The tiny stockings wanted to slip off his feet. He quickly put his feet into the white shoes the young man set in front of him. 

He checked the sides and toe. Ha, he was right about the size. With a smile, he told the girl, "You have daintier feet than you thought. These are seven and a halfs." He gave her his best smile. Tim couldn't help but smile back. 

It was an impulse. Was the guy flirting with him, Tim wondered? Impossible! The shoes were very comfortable. Tim was surprised that the smaller size fit, but they felt good. 

He sat back down. "Would you bring me out a black pair, the ones with the little buckle, in the same size?" Tim had never received this kind of attention before when shopping as a guy. It was nice in a way. 

"Sure, I'd be happy to." 

Nice legs. He thought to himself as he headed into the stockroom again. The guy returned quickly. This time he took the girl's ankle and slid the shoes on her foot for her. He was flirting. 

Tim couldn't believe it. Did he look that good? Nah. Tim took both pairs of shoes. The guy continued to go out of his way to be friendly with Tim. He thought it was comical. That was it. He had gotten what he came for tonight, and it went beautifully. He had almost stayed within his budget. Tim hurried outside. The bus was due NOW. He caught it, luckily. He would have had to stand there and wait for an hour for the last one. There was no one around as he walked from the bus stop or when he opened the back door and went up the stairs to his dark apartment. He laid out his new things and looked them over again. He was really happy with them. He took off the tags as he hung each item up in his closet. One side was Tim's, and the other was Tammy's. They shared the dresser too. Tim was exhausted. He undressed and removed his makeup and earrings. He cleansed and moisturized his face, as he had done every night for years now. He slept in his new nightshirt. He felt good about himself as he fell asleep. It was Friday, and school was a bore; nobody did anything. The end of the day began a two-week holiday. Tim only had to work tonight, and then he'd start his two-week vacation. 

He deserved it; he worked hard. It had been a year since he missed a day of work. The night dragged on. No one does grocery shopping on Friday night. Tim still didn't get home until ten, and he was beat. 

Tim poured himself a soda and sat down to watch TV. 

He couldn't concentrate on anything. As wonderful as he had felt the night before, he felt sad and confused tonight. What he was doing was wrong. It served no purpose. He rationalized that it also did no harm, but was that true? 

It had gotten him thrown out of the house with very clear instructions not to come back. He didn't know what drove him to dress up, but he wanted to shake it off. He put everything away in a box that night, including the new things he had bought and his precious wig. 

He had every intention of throwing it out in the morning. He wouldn't, of course. It was a beautiful day. 

He went to the beach to get his mind off his worries. He took the bus. Most kids his age had friends that drove, not Tim. His looks had been responsible for his difficulty with making friends easily too. He lay there most of the day; he read and sat and watched other people have a good time. Tim took care of himself; he used sunscreen. The one thing he had learned was to take care of his skin and that he would never give up. 

He lay there thinking, why did he have to give up what he enjoyed? Nobody gave a damn about him. No one cared what he did or didn't do, so why should he stop doing the one thing that gave him so much pleasure? 

Tim would have to stop one day; he knew that in his heart. 

He would find a girl, a girl that really cared about him, and he would put away these desires. Until that day, why stop? 

His emotions were in turmoil. Storm clouds rolled in about 4:00, and Tim packed it up. He caught the bus home. Back in his sanctuary, he unpacked the box and returned all of Tammy's things to their places. 

He ironed the things he had wrinkled. He could throw them out another day. He felt better, but he didn't dress up that night. He went to the mall as himself. That was where the kids from school hung out on weekends. 

Maybe tonight would be the night he would make a new friend. Maybe he might even meet a girl. Tim grabbed a bite at the food court. 

He saw some people from school, but they only acknowledged him; they didn't invite him to join them. Tim walked the mall. He passed more kids he knew. 

Most said hi, but when they'd pass, when they thought he was out of earshot, he'd hear snickering. After about an hour he gave up and went to the movies alone. 

It was far from the first time he'd been hurt and disappointed. He got home about eleven thirty. Even the movie didn't help him take his mind off how he felt. It was another of those nights when he cried himself to sleep. The sky promised rain when he got up late Sunday morning. Tim read the paper. He particularly enjoyed the circulars. 

He would check out all the sales of Junior's clothes. He sat there daydreaming; he had really enjoyed shopping Thursday night. He had already forgotten the scary moments. 

"Oh, the hell with it, I'm going." 

He knew there would be kids from school there, but he didn't care anymore. Who would recognize him if he did run into someone? No one! It didn't take him long to get ready. He had used the lotion earlier in the week to get rid of the fine hair on his legs and his underarms. 

He wasn't shaving yet, so all he had to do was put on his makeup and his wig and get dressed. 

Tim had been saving his money since he could remember. 

He could easily blow his entire last paycheck to make himself feel good. He had almost two hundred and fifty dollars in his purse. He could pick up a dozen outfits if he watched the sales. 

The only thing that stopped him from buying many of the things he wanted was his fear of those dressing rooms. He knew now that there wasn't so much to be afraid of. 

As Tim had so often, he wondered what it was that drove him to do what he did. He used to be content to just dress up at home, but that had changed as he learned he was accepted as a girl by the people he encountered. Was it the risks he was now taking that made it so exciting, so compelling? 

Tim finished off his soda and took a deep breath. He stood up. Enough stalling, he thought to himself. He really liked the white shorts and light blue blouse; it looked good on him. He had on his new underwear and even his new shoes. He slung his purse over his shoulder and started for J. C. Penney's. 

They had the best sales he had seen in the paper that morning. 

He was constantly aware of his movements, the way he walked and carried himself. Pam, Nancy, and her friends were bored to death. They didn't have any money to go shopping, and their boyfriends were all playing football at the high school. 

The girls had been window-shopping, but even that gets old when you have no money. The others wanted to go to the movies, but Nancy and Pam were really broke. They were sitting on the outer edge of the food court, near the main mall. Nancy was very pretty, with big brown eyes and a little pixie nose. Her smile made people take an instant liking to her. 

Her long, light brown hair was teased up on top and streaked with blond highlights. Pam was a natural blonde with deep blue eyes that were hard for the boys to look away from. 

 She had the whitest, straightest teeth of anyone in school. She looked like she just stepped off the cover of a modeling magazine. They used to kid her that her father, a plastic surgeon, had done a wonderful job on her. "Go ahead," Nancy told the others. "We'll be here." 

Pam was going to hang around with Nancy. Neither of them wanted to admit to the others that they didn't even have enough money for the movies. Some of their friends were working in the mall; they'd go pester them when they finished their sodas. Their friends took off. Their group was very popular in school. Nancy was the youngest one Pam had ever accepted in her clique. 

These were the cheerleaders and the glamour types. Nancy lost a lot of her old friends when she started hanging around with them almost a year ago, but that was in the past, and she was happy to be one of them now. 

What you wore and who you went out with was very important to them. 

She made a lot of changes in her life to fit in, and she was happy. Pam was their leader, and she took the responsibility seriously. Lots of girls wanted to join her little group, but only a few were good enough. Most who tried were either too immature or they weren't pretty enough. She wasn't about to be seen with geeks. Nancy had been her creation; she brought her into the group. It hadn't been easy to shape and mold her. Her friends, at the beginning of freshman year, were definitely beneath her. And her clothes, the way she dressed, were too, too tacky. But she was anxious and willing to change, so Pam had taken a chance on her. She turned out all right. They were good friends now. It was even easier this time. Maybe it was that he was more confident. 

Without the help of a salesgirl, Tim found a blue sleeveless knit dress with white polka dots. He found it on the clearance rack. On the same rack was a gray pleated skirt. Together they were only twenty-two dollars. The white crepe "T," to go with the skirt, was only ten dollars on sale. He found a shorts outfit that looked good on him. The top was a ten-button Henley print that went with a short pair of cuffed pale pink shorts. The set was only twenty-five dollars. Tim was much more at ease in Penny's dressing room.

 The walls were high, and they had doors. They even had mirrors inside the stalls. It wasn't bad at all. No one gave him a second glance as he entered, except the salesgirl who counted the articles he took in with him. He bought sneakers for only twenty ,and a pair of 2" black leather pumps on sale for twenty-six. 

Tim was thrilled. 

He had three more outfits and shoes for only about one hundred and ten dollars. He had another hundred and forty he could blow. He left Penny's and walked past the food, giving it a wide berth, on his way to Lerners. At Lerner's, he found the white bicycle pants he had looked for the other night. They were on sale for twelve dollars.

 He also found an oversized top, a blue and white rugby strip with long sleeves. He could wear it over his leggings or with his jeans or his denim skirt. 

 It was only ten dollars. Hair accessories were on sale. Tim picked out a white bow. 

He didn't know how he was going to use it with his wig, but he wanted it anyway. It was pretty. 

Nancy just happened to be looking in that direction when she saw the girl come out of Lerner's. If it hadn't been for the two big bags, she probably wouldn't have noticed. "Who's that?" 

She asked Pam. The girl was walking away from them now. "I don't know; I can't see her face." Pam dismissed it and turned away. It bothered Nancy. For just a split second she had seen her face, and she looked familiar. Nancy watched her walk into the Limited. She let it go. Tim had seen the sale ad for a white denim mini skirt at the Limited. They had his size but only with an elasticized paper bag waist. He took it for eighteen dollars. 

They also had two-for-one pocket crew neck tees. He picked out one in red and a turquoise one for ten dollars. They had a necklace and earring set on sale for fifteen dollars. 

The earrings were convertible; they could be either clip-on or pierced. Denim Den had jeans on sale for twenty-two dollars. That was his next stop. No one had the slightest inkling that he wasn't what he appeared to be. He wasn't nearly as nervous anymore. The knot in his stomach was loosening. Pam was tired of sitting. 

"Let's walk." Nancy was agreeable. As they were approaching the Limited, the girl she had noticed earlier came out and turned in front of them, walking away. She was about twenty feet away when Nancy saw her again. She tugged on Pam's sleeve. 

"There she is again." "Who? " What was Nancy's problem? "That girl, she's right in front of us with all the bags. The one with the brown hair." It really bothered her. "I still can't see her face. What's your problem? It's just some girl." Pam had better things to think about. She had spotted John, her old boyfriend, walking toward them with Debra, his latest. Nancy was still fixated on the girl. "Let's catch up to her. I swear I know her from somewhere." 

"Not now, Nancy. You go ahead if you want, but I'm staying here. John and Debra are coming, and I have something to say to her." 

Pam had really liked John, and she blamed Debra for their break up. She was going to get a piece of her mind. The girl was getting farther and farther away. The hell with it, Nancy thought to herself. 

So what if I know her or not? She sat next to Pam to wait for her ex and his 'new woman.' Pam was probably going to blast her. It was a good thing they were stretch jeans. They were even tighter than his other pair, but they looked terrific on him. A guy even made a comment as he stood in front of the mirror. Tim turned and smiled at him before he realized what he was doing. 

Tim turned back to the mirror quickly, embarrassed. Maas Brothers had a dress. The second he saw it, he had to have it. It was a two-piece outfit with a garden floral print on a black background. It had a fitted cropped jacket with lightly padded shoulders. The yoked skirt had three tiers of ruffles and a back zipper. 

This was the fourth time today he had tried on clothes, and he was careful in the dressing rooms to take a stall far away from everyone else. The salesgirl, a woman about 30, thought it looked absolutely charming on the girl. She told her, "You'll just have to get a pair of black stockings to wear with that dress. Do you have a slip for it, or will you need one?" Tim didn't need much convincing. "I'll need both, you're right." 

He didn't need to try on the slip. The woman was really friendly, and Tim liked her. She was very outgoing and could tell that Tim was excited about the dress. Her enthusiasm was infectious, and Tim couldn't help but reflect her high spirits. He had spent a total of two hundred and forty-five dollars and decided it was time to quit. He looked at his watch. 

There were almost forty minutes before the bus was due. He'd walk slowly back through the mall and just window shop. Pam embarrassed Nancy. Debra deserved the blasting, but the middle of the mall was not the place for a screaming contest. John had just walked away when Pam started getting loud. 

Nancy just stood back a few feet and tried not to look as if she were with Pam. Tim was pretty well weighed down by now. The dresses were both on hangers, and he was juggling the four packages in his hands. He just glanced in the window as he walked by. 

There it was on the mannequin, the prettiest, sheerest, most delicate teddy he had ever seen. It drew him into Victoria's Secret like a magnet. Nancy spotted her as she turned into Victoria's Secret. "There she is again. I just have to get a good look at her." 

"If you must, but let's try not to look too obvious, just in case she isn't who you think she is. Come on, we'll just sit over there, and you can see her as she leaves the store." They sat on a bench, and Pam lit up. 

They weren't too obvious, and they didn't think the girl would notice them watching with the big plant partially in the way.

 "May I help you?" Pat thought to herself, seeing all the packages, she's had quite a day shopping. Tim had seen her coming and was ready. "There's a teddy in your window, the one on the mannequin."

 "It's really beautiful. Do you want to try it on?" Pat knew the one she was referring to; she had put that one out there herself and really liked it. She looked at the girl and guessed at a small. "Yes, please." Tim replied with a smile. "You would take a small?" She knew she would. "Yes, I think so." It was so easy now. He really was enjoying himself. 

All the salespeople were so friendly, and they accepted him as a girl without a sideways glance. 

Pat went and got it for her. "Come with me and we'll find you an empty dressing room." Tim had been sure that, in this kind of store, the dressing rooms would be private enough to try the skimpy lingerie on. He was relieved when he learned that he was right. 

"I'll hold your packages at the desk for you."

 They weren't allowed to let customers in the dressing room with their packages. "Thanks, they are getting heavy." It was a relief. "I'll be right outside when you're done." Pat was sure she had a sale. 

Tim loved the way it looked and felt on him. He didn't fill it out the way it was made to be, but that was okay. 

He was bothered by the price tag. It was thirty dollars. After debating with himself for a moment, Tim decided that he had the money, and it made him feel good. 

He would take it. He handed it to the girl, and she rang it up. Tim had just enough cash to cover it. "It really is pretty.

 You'll enjoy it. Have a nice day." She really looked happy with it. She wished she had the money to buy it. Pat handed her the packages she had been holding for her at the counter. 

He would enjoy it, even if he was the only person who would ever see it on him. But that didn't matter. It was so pretty and so delicate. Tim took his things. It took him a moment to get comfortable so he wouldn't lose anything. He was very happy. "Thanks a lot. 

You have a nice day too." That was definitely it. He had no cash left except for bus fare. He started out of the busy store, squeezing past the other customers. Tim's heart skipped a beat. He stopped in his tracks about twenty feet from the front of the shop and turned away from the entrance. 

He saw Nancy and her friend on a bench just outside the store. What was he going to do? Surely Nancy would recognize him. She had been the one girl he had been really serious about a few years ago. 

They had been very close before she gave in to the peer pressure from her girlfriends and dumped him. He had cared about her a lot. Tim couldn't just stand there forever, and it didn't look as if they were about to leave any time soon.

 He was far enough back in the store that they probably wouldn't notice him. 

He tried to collect himself for the umpteenth time that day, but he couldn't stop himself from shaking.

 "Was there something else you wanted to see?" Pat had noticed her from the desk. Maybe she wanted something else? Tim was startled by the salesgirl. "No, thanks. I was just looking around." Could she see him shaking? "Okay, have a nice day."

 Oh well. It was worth a try. Pat walked back to the desk. Tim knew he had to leave now. He held his head up and tried to look as though he were in control. It was not how he felt on the inside. 

He started walking, not letting his eyes drift in Nancy's direction. The last thing he wanted was eye contact with her. He made a sharp right outside the store and, in a pace that wouldn't draw attention, headed toward the food court and his exit. Nancy saw her coming at last. 

While she was still pretty far away, she saw that she had even more bags than when she had seen her earlier. 

As she got closer, Nancy studied her face. She definitely knew her, but she couldn't think from where. The girl turned to her right and slowly walked away from them. "Well, was she someone you know?" Pam had looked but didn't recognize her. She was done with her cigarette. "Can we go now? 

We should get up to the food court to meet the others." Pam was tired of sitting there. It was boring. "I swear I know her from somewhere, but I can't remember where." 

It was really bothering her. They got up and started walking. The girl was only about twenty feet in front of them, walking along at an easy pace. Something drew Nancy's eyes to the girl's legs. There was an odd little birthmark right behind her left knee. 

It hit Nancy like a ton of bricks. She grabbed Pam's arm and stopped them both. Nancy's hand covered her mouth in shock. "What's wrong?" Pam asked. She looked like she'd seen a ghost.