Wasteland Warlords Episode 3: Chapter 10 - War Machine

Ten minutes later, the Jaeger squad was following a hacking, slashing, slicing war machine down a narrow corridor full of Haunsters. The thing—which Joe had affectionately dubbed the Ginsu Push Mower 9000—cut through hostiles like a weedwhacker through a fresh dandelions.

Joe had refitted the blades to a bunch of other junk he’d collected on their journey through the wasteland, creating a slapchop of death that carved anything in its way into bite-sized chunks. Chonk rode on his shoulder, chittering with excitement and revving his hedge trimmer while Joe steered the mechanical beast.

“Listen to this baby purr!” Joe yelled over its engine as he steered its blades into an acid-spewing grub. Brilliant neon gore splattered the walls. “She’s the perfect melding of mower and magic!”

Much as he hated to admit it, Clay had to agree. With that thing running, he, Alex, and Griff were left to take out anything that managed to slip past its nightmarish spinning blades—which wasn’t much. Mostly just the creatures that could fly, like the headless chickens and the Wyrms. One Hauntster tried to jump over, but Alex kicked the Dayglo-painted humanoid back into the mouth of Joe’s unholy creation, equal parts mower, woodchipper, and headsman axe.

They were making excellent time, and Joe even managed to level up.

“I don’t know how we ever managed without the ol’ Ginsu Push Mower,” he said, fondly patting the contraption’s side when they stopped for a quick regroup. “Was that even really living? I say nope.”

“Sure does take the heavy lifting outta the job,” Griff drawled.

While Joe inspected over his new stats and made his selections, Alex checked their position against the map of the dungeon she had access to from her character sheet.

“It doesn’t specifically say Throne Room This Way,” she said, eyes unfocused as she stared at a map Clay couldn’t see. “It won’t show me much detail on the areas we haven’t discovered yet, it just sort of illuminates the edges of them until we actually walk in, but through that door is the beginning of an ascending staircase.”

“This place only has three stories,” Clay said, recalling the exterior of the Haunt Topic. “That’s got to be it.”

Joe hung his jaw aslant. “Well, that could be a bit of a problem. I don’t think my glorious invention can climb stairs. That’s going to have to be in her next iteration.”

“Then we best restock and reload,” Griff said, checking the cutting edge of his notched shortsword with a calloused thumb. “I’ve never yet encountered a dungeon lord who made the last stretch before their throne room a cakewalk.”

Griff definitely wasn’t wrong.

The second they opened the door to the stairs, a hail of poisoned darts flew at them from the riser of every step. They all dove for cover, but that didn’t help. Like the blowgun projectiles they’d seen the Voodoo Daddy shoot in their initial battle, these darts could turn on a dime and follow their targets. Clay took two in the arm and one in the back and Chonk got a couple in the fat roll on the scruff of his neck. Joe took one in the face, but most of the darts pinged off his mechsuit to find a less resistant target—namely Griff’s posterior. Clay finally managed to kick the door shut, sealing them off from the vicious projectiles.

The whole ten-second episode required them to re-regroup, this time with a generous dose of Health potions and Antidotes doled out by Alex. She had received several darts as well, but with Katotes’s Immunities, she hadn’t been affected by the poison, and her health-regen had topped her back up in no time from the minimal amount of piercing damage the darts had inflicted.

When he was back to full HP, Clay stood up and dusted himself off.

“I’m not sure whether my Shield of Minor Warding will cover us against piercing damage.” He thought back to the wording of the spell. “I think it just protects against melee and arcane damage, but either way it’s only good for two hundred and fifty points. If that outlasts the darts, then we’re fine. If not, then we’re right back here.”

“New plan!” Joe twirled his Everyman Tool and descended on his three-bladed war machine in a clatter.

Some unscrewing, a little Sawzall action, and some welding, and he presented his newest creation: a rusty tower shield as tall as he was that looked like it would just barely clear the doorway on either side. Jutting out from the front were three heavy-duty axe blades.

“Magic and smarts ain’t the answer to everything, brocifer,” he said, slapping Clay on the shoulder condescendingly. “Yep, sometimes you just need a little old-fashioned blunt force to catch a bullet for you.”

“I appreciate the effort,” Clay said, “but… you remember that these darts go around corners, right?”

Joe threw up his hands. “Well, shit, man, I can’t think of everything! I’m the beauty, not the brains. Can’t you magic up something with your fancy new juju?”

“Maybe we don’t have to,” Alex said. She was bent over by the door, squinting into the keyhole. “There’s a lever at the top of the steps. Maybe our big bad Voodoo Daddy throws the switch when he goes up so he doesn’t get shot with his own darts.” She straightened up and turned to face them. “I’m immune to poison, and with my Bloodborne Armor, piercing damage can barely touch me. I could barge in, slam the door behind me, run upstairs and shut the lever off, then let you guys know when it’s safe to come up.”

Clay didn’t like the idea of Alex acting as their meat shield—that was Joe’s department—but thanks to all the mobs they’d taken out over the past few days, she’d jumped to level 12 . Not only was she the highest level amongst them, but she also had the largest Health pool out of all of them, and an insane regen reinforcing it. Plus, poison and disease resistance just for good measure. It was hard to argue with her logic, even if he didn’t particularly like the application.

She must’ve read the reluctance on his face, because she stretched up and gave him a reassuring kiss on the cheek.

“Don’t worry, babe,” she said. “There is on little catch, though.” She looked at Joe and offered him a wide grin. “I’m going to have to punch you in the face. Hard.”

Joe squinted and scratched at his head. “Unless I misheard, you just said you’re gonna punch me in the face. Two questions. One, why on earth would you need to do that? And two, why on earth would I let you do that?”

“I can’t trigger Bloodborne Armor, it’s a passive ability that only works once I activate Bloodborne Frenzy. Bloodborne Frenzy is basically Barbarian Rage, but in order to activate it one of my party members needs to be bleeding. I can’t punch Clay because he’s not an Incant. Animal abuse is never okay, so there goes Chonk. And it would be downright disrespectful to punch one of my elders, so Griff is out. That leaves you.”

“So what you’re sayin’ is you need me. That I’m the best, nay the only, man for the job.”

She sighed. “Yes, Joe. I need you. You are the best, nay the only, man for the job. Happy?”

Joe grinned. “Couldn’t be happier,” he shot back, “just make it fa—”

Before he could even get the word out, her fist landed square in his mouth. Blood trickled down his lip. He glared flatly at her.

“You’re the best, Joe,” she said, patting him on the shoulder.

“That’s what I keep telling everybody,” he said.

Alex pressed her eyes shut tight, hands balled into fists, and issued a bloodcurdling roar. A halo of bloody red light erupted around her and when her eyes shot back open, the pupils were deep crimson. Bloodborne Frenzy boosted her speed, evasiveness, and damage output for two minutes, while Bloodborne Armor increased her resistance against normal weapons by 50% and temporarily swapped her Strength Stat for Constitution when calculating her overall health and regen rate.

For two minutes, she was essentially She-Hulk, and could absorb an insane amount of damage.

“It should only take me a second to run upstairs and save all your candy asses,” she growled, her voice guttural and inhuman.

Before Clay could respond, she yanked open the door and raced through, slamming it behind her.

He, Griff, and Joe all lunged for the keyhole at the same time. There was a quick shoving match, but Clay came out the winner in time to see Alex stuck like a pincushion full of darts while hopping over a bear trap.

The steps were littered with devices designed to slow down or stop raiders long enough for the poisoned darts to finish the job. Her foot barely touched down on the next step up from the bear trap before she had to juke a cube of glowing green gelatin. Then she hurdled what appeared to be a pool of quicksand built into the next stair. The slime reached lazily after her, but she darted left and kicked off a wall, propelling herself farther up the staircase and over what appeared to be a giant cosmic void. A fresh wave of darts peppered into the slime; it died in with an inhuman gurgle.

She made it to the top of the stairs and slapped the lever down. Immediately, the barrage of darts cut off.

Clay straightened up and jerked the door open.

“That only counts as one save,” he called up to her.

“Aw, did somebody eat some sour grapes?” she gloated, picking a handful of darts from her shoulder. “I’m gaining on you, Clay-san. At this rate, I’ll be winning in no time.”

“I’ll worry about that when you’re not still two saves behind.”

In response, she chucked a couple of the darts his way.

Alex’s Bloodborne Frenzy lapsed as Clay and Griff carefully navigated the trap-lined stairs, while Joe and Chonk flew to the top with the aid of the mechsuit. There was a short corridor at the top that ended in an ominous, black-painted door. A fog of patchouli-scented incense rolled under the door, and a red and white sign had been placed at eye-level that read Employees Only.

Alex checked her map again. “Bingo. There’s our throne room.”

While Griff and Joe checked their loadouts, Clay helped his wife pull out the handful of darts she couldn’t reach from her back. Even with the joking around, he couldn’t help but take a quick peek with the Monocle of Trueseeing to make sure she was really okay.

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Alexandra Jaeger

Level: 11

Race: Incant

Class: Bloodborne Striker

Alignment: Blood

Exp: 7,835; Exp to next level: 10,560

Available Characteristic Points: 0

Health: 287/290

H-Regen / 5 Sec: 63

Magick: 290/290

Magick-Regen / 5 Sec: 10.75

Stats:

· Strength: 60 (54 + 6 item bonus)

· Constitution: 26 (25 + 1 item bonus)

· Dexterity: 34 (31 + 3 item bonus)

· Intelligence: 18

Characteristics:

· Armor Rating: 121

· Melee Attack Damage: 239

· Ranged Attack Damage: 177

· Spell Damage: 179

· Movement Rate: +9.3%

· Critical Hit Chance: 8.4%

· Critical Hit Damage: +67%

Active Effects:

· Rapid-Regen

· Goliath Physique: Disease, Filth, and Poison Immunity (Permanent)

Bloodborne Striker Skills:

· Battle Instinct

· Goliath Grip

· Uncanny Reach

· Bloodborne Frenzy

· Bloodborne Armor

Player Special Skills:

· Chain Weapons – Oversized (Melee Skill) Lv. 5

╠═╦╬╧╪

“Damn, girl.” He whistled. “You’ve really got some regeneration.”

Just a couple minutes and her Health was already almost completely refilled.

“Tell me about it.” She dusted her cargo pants off like that would brush away the myriad pinpricks they now sported. “And pretty soon here you will, too.” She turned to the Employees Only door. “Let’s go give this lizardman a bad case of e-reptile dysfunction.”

Joe scowled. “You just ruined wordplay forever for me. Possibly hearing in general.” He raised his right hand. “I vote we make a rule that you lose ten points per pun. All in favor?”

“What?” Alex put her fists on her hips. “That’s total bullshit! You’re just mad you didn’t think of e-reptile dysfunction first.”

Joe shrugged. “I’m a man of capricious and varied whims, short stack, deal with it. Voting time! Speak now on puns or forever hold your peace.”

The bullshit motion passed almost unanimously.