snow / diary
Added 2025-03-11 14:40:50 +0000 UTCIt might seem odd to share this with everyone who supports me, but…
Lately, even when I receive large corporate projects, I’ve been turning them down more often, explaining that I can’t take a prosocial stance on social media—especially given its unpredictable reactions.
Since dropping out of high school, I’ve never intended to live a “proper” life. Art education, Adobe’s student discounts, and jobs with unmanageable responsibilities have never been for me.
I feel that in the year before last and last year, I was somewhat more prosocial. In hindsight, that might have been the peak of a manic phase. Now, I’m the opposite—every day I reflect on existential issues and think about death.
Yet, I fear death as well. I believe the world ceases to exist after I die. To me, the world is nothing more than an image on my retina. Even knowing that, imagining a post-death world—a world where someone mourns my corpse—makes my legs weak.
There are many joyful moments too. Recently, I visited an aquarium with an artist friend. It was a somewhat unusual aquarium, featuring brightly lit tanks under sunlight that displayed fish such as sardines and mackerel, as well as washed-up trash.
From opening to closing, we were so captivated by the fish, the trash, and old paintings related to fishing that we couldn’t see everything.
She is a friend with whom I go on sketching trips to the sea several times a year. While we were peering at small freshwater fish together, I noticed that I found comfort in the scent of her clothes—something I had never felt before. On our way home, we went to a seafood restaurant and ate crab together. It was delicious.
P.S.
I am concerned about the state of the world. Perhaps my melancholy is due to that, too.
Comments
It is widespread (including me) and may be universal, to be disconcerted at the concept of the permanent end of consciousness.
K MI
2025-03-24 00:05:09 +0000 UTCThanks for sharing this with us! I've been speaking with a philosopher friend recently who has grown a similar introspective nature. There is much in this world we can be critical of, and much we can appreciate: I hope that we can maintain our health well enough that we can be part of it all, while striving to improve the state of the world!
Brantly McCord
2025-03-12 19:18:28 +0000 UTC
