The Captain's Heart CH 92

“Lodging is still vacant,” the captain’s announcement came. “Hope is still there that won’t be the case for long. It’s been brought to my

“Lodging is still vacant,” the captain’s announcement came. “Hope is still there that won’t be the case for long. It’s been brought to my attention that new foods have been realized. Congratulations are given to those responsible.”

Jeremy kept himself from paying too close attention to what was said to keep the programming from noticing it. He focused on adjusting the weight machine’s new sensors. If he could get them calibrated, he hoped they could be programmed to scan him as he worked and adjust the weights for the workout he wanted without having to rely on his flawed expectations of what he was capable of handling.

He’d have to get medical’s help with that, but it should be doable without having one of them showing up. Or worse, having to brave the ship’s corridors.

    *

“I don’t think I can do this,” he said, looking at the door.

“I’ll escort you to your apartment, then,” the Psychologist said.

He glared at her. “Aren’t you supposed to be pushing me to deal with that stuff?” He knew his anger was misdirected. But the door didn’t care, while she’d react in some way.

She rolled her eyes at him. “Ah yes. Because you too have some misconception of what my role here is.”

“Me too?”

She nodded. “I’ll support you. I’ll be here to help you if things don’t go well, but the decision has to be yours.” She motioned to the door. “You have to be the one to decide you are ready to face what’s behind it.”

“Fuck being ready.” He stepped to the door and slammed a hand on the blue open button. It obeyed, and he froze on seeing them standing at the other end of the room.

Them, his agents, the program told him. There to do what he instructed to him, since he resisted the call. He barely noticed her reach past him to tap the door control as he wrestled for his mind.

They weren’t here because he’d told them. Jeremy had arranged for his friends to be here. He had messaged each of them individually and asked for their help in this next part of his treatment.

Learning to be among these hated creatures again.

To be with his friends, he told the programming. If it wasn’t for it. He’d be comfortable with the idea of stepping into that room. But he was doing it that it wanted him or not.

No, he was doing it because it didn’t want him to.

He stepped across the threshold, distracting himself from the mounting discomfort by working out why the door had remained open all this time. It didn’t know he was there. They usually closed after a few seconds even if he didn’t tap the…. That was what she’d done. Locked the door in its open mode.

“Hi,” Thuruk greeted him, not moving from the other side of the room.

The word had Jeremy clamp down on the urge to run away. To flee to the safety of his quarters, where they’d never get to him.

Like that door would stop them if they decided they wanted in. Atarikna, by herself, could probably cut it out of the frame with what she had on her.

Flee! The programming demanded. Flee the ship. Flee back to Earth, where they’ll accept him as he is. Where they will see to it he gets better. Where he will be kept safe.

He snorted and was aware of the exchanged looks. Humans didn’t have his safety in mind. His happiness. He didn’t understand why him being different scared them so much. He wasn’t the only one, after all, the way he’d initially thought. There was at least one other, back on that station. They hadn’t said it, but it had been there. Exchanged looks, things almost said.

“Hi,” he finally replied, and gave a wave for good measure. “I’m glad you all agreed to come. I’m sorry if I’m kind of a nervous wreck right now.”

“It’s alright,” Xenial said. “We’ll keep our distances.”

Fuck that. He stepped toward them; his friends. Those who had made his stay here easier just by being around him. Reminding him that while he was the only human on the ship, he wasn’t alone.

His steps faltered halfway to them, the programming clamoring they lied. They weren’t his friends; they were his enemies. They wanted to twist him into a version that was wrong. That would want him to have his way. Crave him.

He couldn’t actively think about how he already wanted that. So he focused on contradicting the programming. They weren’t here for him. He barely knew any of them existed. Only two, no three—

The programming almost won on noticing the one person there he hadn’t invited.

He swallowed. What was the Engineer doing here? Which of his supposedly friends had told him about it? Brought him?

He was the agent, the programming proclaimed. The others were safe, but he was a danger. He was close to the enemy.

A friend of him.

Run.

Fuck, no.

Xenial knew him. But they were antagonists. He’d often said how the Quartermaster seemed to plot with their goddess of madness.

But the Engineer?

Run.

I fucking told you, no. Shut up about that already.

“Engineer, what are you doing here?”

A raised eyebrow, a tilted ear. “Really? You have to ask?”

“He’s been asking how you’re doing every time I arrive for my shift,” Prertiros said.

A look of disbelief, a glare directed at his friend, then the expression was stern, arms crossing over his chest. “Well? When are you coming back to work?”

Except, was that concern in the tilt of the ears? Not the annoyance of a boss asking after someone working under him.

But that would me he thought they were…

“How may I address you?” Jeremy asked.

Another raised eyebrow, the tilted ear again. But he didn’t voice the sentiment this time. “Outside of engineering, you can address me as Alixianakaran Debaren.” The eyes narrowed. A warning against ever thinking of addressing him such within engineering.

“Thank you, Alixianakaran Debaren. You can address me as Jeremy Bradshaw.”

Alixianakaran threw his arms up. “Really? What did you think I was going to call you?” he froze.

Jeremy realized he had backed up at the outburst.

“I apologize, Jeremy Bradshaw. I didn’t intend to scare you.”

“Oh, no intention is ever needed,” Thuruk said under his breath.

“What was that, Technician?”

“Nothing, Engineer.”

“I have a rule,” Jeremy said, worried this might escalate and send him running.

They looked at him, and he didn’t understand why.

“They are waiting for you to establish that rule,” the Psychologist said softly.

Right. He took a breath. “Since it’s supposed to only be my friends in this room, there aren’t going to be any titles when you are with me as friends.”

Alixianakaran Debaren narrowed his eyes.

“Yes, that means you, too. I’m not going to have my friends asserting rank around me. I’m not saying you have to be friends the rest of the time. But you’ll act like you are around me.”

The Engineer looked at the others as if he was judging them.

Xenial snorted. “Don’t even try to act like we haven’t fucked.”

“That doesn’t make us friend, Xenial.”

“But my short name does.”

“Fine,” he said, as if it was the most difficult decision he could make. “But don’t one of you think I’ll treat them differently when you’re in engineering.”

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the Psychologist smile. Which meant that learning to keep thoughts from the programming had also taught him not to project.

“That goes for you too, Psychologist.”

“Yes, of cour—” she stared at him.

“You’ve helped me this far. I think we’ve moved past needing titles. How may I address you?”

She searched his face.

 While he knew he couldn’t sense her poking in his head, he figured she was double checking his intentions.

“You may address me as Leiha Tergrobar,” she finally said. “At least when you aren’t seeing me as my patient.”

He nodded and steeled himself to catch up with his friend in person.

    *

She laughed at me; he typed. Here I am, unburdening myself about how I am a failure for not managing to reach engineering. And she laughed.

Yes, she has shown a surprising lack of professionalism with me too, a few times.

He actively didn’t think with whom he was having a typed conversation. Just one of his friends, as far as the programming was concerned.

Are you looking forward to being on the planet?

No. It’s going to be work nearly the entire time there. My parents are on the night side from where I’ll be and they’ll be sleeping still by the time I’m back on the ship.

You could take the time to go see them, you know. I’m pretty sure we aren’t going to be needed anywhere any time soon.

The longer I’m on the planet, the more chances trouble might find me. The people interested don’t always play fair.

You should at least let them know you’re there. They should get to decide if you’re worth making time to see.

I will, but they are both busy people. Mother is the Anthropologist of her learning center. Father’s Forester for the district. I expect they’ll message me and hope things go well during the meeting, and that’s all.

Still, give them the choice.

He wished he could make the severity noticeable in writing. If he had a chance to visit his parents, he wouldn’t hesitate.

Or would he?

He tried to work out if this was the programming, or if he’d somehow come to terms with what they did to him.

The programming didn’t give its opinion.

It wasn’t as loud as it had been, which had led to Jeremy forgetting it was there a time or two and sending himself into a panic spiral when he’d thought of him as anything other than a threat.

That had taken work to get himself out of.

But his life was getting back to some sort of normalcy. Once he was able to get back to work, it would be as good as he could manage at the moment.

    *

He stood at the threshold, looking in at them, working.

Them, not them. They were no longer enemies, just Kelsirians, going about their work. Which made his discomfort worrisome. If this wasn’t the programming, why wasn’t he stepping in and going back to work? For months now, this was one of the two things he’d been working towards.

And here it was.

So why wasn’t he going in?

Alixianakaran Debaren pulled himself out of the open panel in the reactor and looked at the circuit in the light. He reached back, pulled the tool bag out, and stood. A few taps on the console, checking readouts, more taps, a nod, and he put the panel cover back in place.

He turned and looked at Jeremy. “Well?” he demanded. “Are you going to stand there all shift or are you finally going to start working? There’s a console over there that’s been waiting for you longer than it has any business to.”

“Yes, of course, Engineer.” He entered engineering and headed to the console he’d been directed to.

“Well, well, well,” Prertiros said, “if it isn’t the Engineer’s favorite technician, finally back to work.”

“Finally,” Thuruk said from the other console. “He’ll be able to distract him so we don’t have to work so hard anymore.”

“You two know I can just leave and claim to still be scared of all of you, right?”

“And you three know I can see you’re not working!” the Engineer called. “Shift’s not over. Get to it, or demand to be transferred to another ship.”

“Nope, him being back isn’t going to make our lives any easier,” Prertiros said.

Jeremy set to work, grinning.

Outline section 

No Outline

Addition 

Jeremy's recovery slowly progresses

Jeremy reconnecting with his friend and work was always where things started for me. after all, what was done to him targeted his relationship with Gral, the others were simply caught in the crossfire.

so the getting together and going back to work felt like the needed to happen. it also helped sprinkle in the passage of time.

Alix being Jeremy's friend was part of the plan, but I always thought it would be Jeremy initiating the friendship, not the other way around.