“A Hold Of Myself”

All of my caption blips on IG are mysterious and withholding because the people are mostly idiots for lack of attention. But I enjoy being more forthcoming here! This Getting A Grip series started as a super stoned late-at-night editing spree and has evolved into something really crazily representative of a new corner I have felt myself turning over the past weeks.

It started at rock bottom while I had one long continuous mental breakdown. I was smashing my stupid body against walls and literally looking down and screaming at my limbs. A really funny image looking back. To solve this utter crisis I continued doing all of the body healing stuff (PT, diet, exercise, bodywork, pain mitigation like CBD and being unconscious) but I changed a lot of other things not directly related to my physical self. I burned a shitload of bridges with lame people who had been on the outs anyways. I conceded and started Cymbalta again (SSNRI that boasts an ability to alter pain signals to the brain). I even created boundaries with family members and peers. I more readily basked in the glory of all of the posture work and physical therapy I have done. I started making the art that I wanted to make instead of caring what They want to see. (I’d say every artist slips down this hole every now and then. For me it’s at least once a year... the result is obvious lack of integrity or anxiously sitting on content for a long time.) I also started to be more headstrong in trusting my own intuition and opinion. I placed more importance on how I felt and did things that I wanted and needed while I stopped doing things I didn’t want to do. Believe it or not, I used to do a lot of that. So I would fall into this pattern of flipping between submission and aggression instead of standing my ground in the middle. A cheetah is a solitary animal that cannot retract its claws, yet it uses its energy wisely. She picks her battles.

FOR SOME CRAZY REASON as soon as I started doing the above, I felt that grip for the first time in a long while. I’m getting a grip on myself, the things and people around me, and who and what I need to be within all of that. I think everyone stable walks around with a certain amount of hold on things. I jealously felt that from them, and would intermittently grip so hard my hands would turn white. You have to build the grip— build the muscle memory and strength— and in time everything comes with more consistency and ease. Oh fuck not another biomechanical analogy.

Instagram posts are for Lordosis and up.