30/03/2017

Alright, we spoke. A lot of things I didn’t realize were brought to light.

Viktor woke up and had breakfast with me today, which is rare. He doesn’t like eating in the morning so soon after he wakes up, but he had some apple slices with me today. It’s funny, how I really wanted to suggest he have some yogurt with it, considering the conversation we had, but I kept myself in check.

To make a long story short, he feels like I am less his partner and more his caretaker.

I don’t blame him for this. He’s been sick for such a long time, longer than I’ve known him. But the worst of it was during our marriage. There were many reasons that informed our decision to get married. More than love, I mean. Love is the primary reason because I would never see the printed side of a marriage certificate if I wasn’t ready to lay my life down for my spouse, but I digress. There were other reasons. For one, my work’s insurance at the time was good. It was a very difficult time, if I am to be honest. He was always in pain, fading away as we all watched. His parents were doing the best that they could while working themselves to the bone, so I took over with his care. I had more time, back then. My work was lenient, and it was easier to handle what needed to be handled if I was his spouse.

It was a difficult time, I will be honest.

We were having hard conversations, Viktor and I. It hurt to see him like that, to hear him speak so matter-of-factly about “what we have to do after.” Absolutely not. I was not having it, who would? So I did everything in my power to make such talks end. It was terrifying. Not only the talks, but the treatment. It took all his energy, some of the medication was new, we didn’t know how he’d react to them, it was all very difficult for everyone, but no doubt, it was most difficult for him. Being unable to do so many things that he was perfectly capable of doing at some point. Always in bed, in pain. I thought I tried, with the circumstances given to us, to keep our relationship a marriage. But this is part of marriage, is it not? Through sickness and health? It just so happened that he was sick at that time.

Well, it’s fine. I appreciate that he talked to me about it. He wants a husband now, and he is right about it, he deserves that. I don’t need to fuss so much about what he eats, how long he’s out, how much he sleeps. He is doing better now, and I don’t want to make him feel like he isn’t. I told him that while this is true, and I will do my best to lay off, he must also do his part and take the necessary care to maintain his health. He tends to get absorbed with work, and when we were young I found myself having to pull him out of his concentration to do things like eat and sleep. He agreed, and he made a lighthearted joke, even. The first in a long time. That was good to hear. He said he would have to get serious about setting alarms to pull him out of his focus so he can do what he needs to do. I won’t suggest Sally Mae make him lunch, I think he would actually appreciate going to the cafeteria much more than a packed lunch, so I left it at the alarms. God I hope he doesn’t neglect his vegetables. As long as they don’t have cooked carrots, I will simply have to trust that he won’t. We kissed, we’re all good, and I suggested a little weekend getaway next week since he wants a husband. I think he’ll like it, getting out a little. He doesn’t particularly enjoy the process of traveling, but he always ends up appreciating the experience of new places. Alright, I must go to bed now. He’ll sleep there today. I think I will sleep well today.

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