Wish upon the Stars chapter 522

After our meeting, I wanted to head back to my place and cuddle with  Callie for a while, but I decided to stop and talk to Abel. He hadn't  sounded exactly...unhappy, about dragging behind, but I wasn't the most  observant about emotions, and I was trying to be a better team leader.  So I pulled him aside to check in once the briefing broke up.

"Hey  man." I said prensively. "I just wanted to check in, see how you were  doing with all this. You mentioned feeling like you were getting left  behind. I can focus more on you for wishes if you want. I know you did  some work with Nat."

He shrugged. "I wouldn't say no, but  it's not a big deal. I'm still growing, and jokes aside I'm happy with  my progress." He shot me a wry smile. "I suppose you're trying to feel  out if I'm getting bitter or discouraged. I appreciate the thought, kid,  but I trained alone in a sausage stand for a few decades, remember?  It'll take more than some time at the same level to bother me."

That  was a solid point, and I let out a rueful chuckle. "I guess I forgot  who I was talking to. I mean, Bethy's needling seems to really get to  you, so I just figured.."

"It doesn't." He said with a  smile. At my disbelieving silence, he laughed. "Really. I play along  because it amuses me, but she's not hurting my pride or anything. In  fact, I pretty much think pride is a completely useless emotion. That  was part of how I broke my first shackle after all. I think I mentioned  that. But...it's more than that too."

His voice was  inscrutable, and his face was more serious than I usually saw it. "What  do you mean?" I asked, curious what made him suddenly get so somber.

"This  is my own personal theory." He said with a shrug. "But I think part of  why I am the way I am is because I decided to let go of what other  people thought of me. Not all of them, I care about Mel, and her opinion  of me has weight, but so much of what we all do is wrapped up in  appearances. And that's the duality of being an Ascendant, isn't it? The  more you care the more effort you put in and the more hold it all has  on you."

I blinked at that. "Are you saying that recursion  is...optional?" It wasn't a take I'd heard before, or one that would  make sense coming from most people.

He shook his head. "Is  shame optional? Is embarrassment optional? Hypothetically I suppose.  It's more that we walk a tightrope. We need the regard of others to  Ascend, but I think the fact that we CRAVE that regard leaves us open to  recursion in the first place. People like me, we don't really care. We  just...let it go. Pride is just investment in the opinions of others,  and I don't need it. And when I came to that conclusion, it felt like  recursion lost a lot of its hold."

I thought back on our  time together. In some ways, Abel had always been the most stable of the  people I knew. Not because he was normal or healthy, but because he was  what he was. He knew his role, knew his place, and it didn't change or  twist over time. Some of that might have been a coherent story about him  making the rounds, but the rest...

Zeke was like that,  too, now that I thought about it. All the really powerful Ascendants I'd  seen had this...core of steel. This conviction in who and what they  were. Purpose. Sure, they might play the role, but the recursion didn't  seem to touch them and I'd never known why. Callie had even mentioned it  way back when we first talked about this. Willpower. That ineffable  thing that let some people climb up without being swallowed by  recursion.

"You think that the secret to that is  just...not caring?" I said slowly. "Just let go of the influence others  have on us completely and do whatever we want?"

My mentor  just shrugged. "Doubt it. It was that for me. I see all these people  talking about reputation and respect and I just...I don't care. I don't  care who respects me. I don't care who acknowledges my power. Power  isn't an opinion Shane. It's a fact. Respect isn't some magic wand that  makes my punches work. If someone has a problem, I'll kick their ass, if  someone doesn't like me, they can fuck off, who cares?"

"Why  tell me this?" I asked after a brief pause. "Why give me the secret to  your success. Is this some kind of wisdom you're passing on?"

He  burst out laughing. "Nah kid, I'm telling you because I don't care if  you know. Not that I don't care about your opinion of me, we're pals so  it has some weight. Not enough to keep from doing my thing but some.  It's more that I don't care if you spread it around. Maybe it'll help  you. Maybe it just lets you understand me a bit better. Hell, maybe it's  payment for caring enough to check on me, who knows?"

I  nodded slowly. "I don't think I can do much with it to be honest. I  just...I DO care what people think of me. Some of that is wanting to get  stronger to help my friends, but some of it is just...me, I guess. I  wish I didn't. That I could just brush off things like that."

"Well  living alone in a shack for thirty years helps." He chuckled. "But  really, if you want a guide, I can't give one. I'll say this though.  It's all about consequences. If someone says something bad about you,  what do you lose? How does it hurt you? What consequence does that have.  And how does reacting to it benefit you. What makes that person  important enough to matter?"

That  was just such a...brutal way to look at the world. Like everyone was a  ghost, with only a few select people mattering enough to be real. It fit  well with Abel's personality, but I didn't think it would fit mine. I  didn't want to just throw away my concern for everything that wasn't my  friends or family. It would be easy, convenient even, and it probably  would help me resist recursion. But that didn't seem like enough.

I  glanced at my teacher. "I can accept you not having more of a reason,  but what about the timing?Why now? Why share this tidbit at this moment?  Is it really just repayment for caring enough to check on you? We're  coming up to the Empire, is this something you think I'll need?"

He  shrugged. "You're floundering kid. You've got a reason to fight, a  backbone, and strength to push through, but you're missing something. I  thought I'd volunteer my perspective. Maybe it'll help, maybe it won't,  but like I said, my reasons for doing things aren't that complicated. I  do what I want. You're the kind of person I respect enough to consider  worth talking to, and if I can help my student, why not?"

That  seemed to be pretty much it for him in terms of serious conversation.  Abel wasn't a big fan of somber philosophical talk, and I could tell it  had been tedious for him to try to put all that into words. Even now I  wasn't sure I got it all, but I got enough, and I continued to let it  swirl around in my head as I said my goodbyes and headed back to my  place to pack.

Packing,  as it turned out, is really easy with a spatial ring. And I got that  done quickly enough, I got so lost in thought that I barely noticed time  passing until Callie came to get me. "Hey, there you are." My  girlfriend said cheerily as she found me sitting on a large padded chair  in the living room. "I've been looking for you, we're close enough to  use the shuttles, Killian said to gather everyone disembarking in  Stratholme."

I  almost jumped out of my skin, my Focus had been sunk into parsing  everything that had happened to me so far through the lens of Abel's odd  worldview, and in trying to retroactively puzzle out how recursion had  changed me. I hadn't had much luck. "Sorry." I said, hopping to my feet.  "Bit distracted, it's time to go already?"

"Yeah..."  She said slowly. "Are you sure you're ok? You feel...tangled. Like  there's a lot on your mind. You know you can talk to me, right?"

I  leaned down to kiss her before putting on my mask. I hadn't been  wearing it as often and it was going to take getting used to again.  "Always. But this isn't a problem I can solve by talking or thinking.  I've done enough of both. We came here for a reason. Let's go see where  we've ended up." I offered her my elbow, and she stared at me  impassively for a moment before taking it and following me out of the  building.

We  headed straight for the docking bay we'd first come into when we arrived  on the ship, and everyone else was already there. Jessie, Cark, Benny,  Zeke, Cass, Nat, Valk, Chelsea, and all our other friends were crowded  together at the edge of an immense gap in the side of the ship, the same  one we entered through, a permeable shield keeping out the vacuum of  space.

Benny  saw me coming and waved me over excitedly. "Shane! Come check it out.  Our first real higher ranked planet." He sounded excited, and I didn't  blame him. We'd been on ships, dungeons, floating staging areas and even  an old ruin, but this was different. This was just a normal higher  ranked planet like any Ascendant would travel to. Part of the experience  of Ascending. It felt somehow safer and far more dangerous all at once.  Anything could happen to us down there.

Stopping  next to him, I stared down at the massive sphere of the planetary body.  It was...big. Not that I'd expected less, it was C-ranked after all,  but it just seemed large and imposing from here. Mostly dark blue with a  large splash of purple that I was pretty sure was water. I took  Callie's hand in mine as I stared down at it. It was...beautiful.  Imposing. And HEAVY. I could sense the Impact from here. Immense and  weighty.

"The  Necromedes will be circling back." Said Killian from behind us. "We've  taken a few small jobs in the area doing transport for nobles and cargo.  Until we return you're stuck here. So make the most of it. Zeke should  be up to the task of taking out anything that poses a real threat, so  you just have to worry about things your own level."

I  held out a hand to him. "Thanks again Killian. I appreciate all the  help, and definitely the ride. I know that probably wasn't pleasant to  break to the passengers."

He  shrugged. "We got a better gig, and it was an emergency situation.  We'll get them where they're going eventually, and we have contracts for  this exact scenario. Extenuating circumstances and all that. Take care  of yourself kid, and tell your old man hello if you see him."

I  grimaced, which he couldn't see behind my mask thankfully, but nodded.  "I'll do that. Safe travels." And with that we all headed for the  shuttle, the smaller conveyance being the fastest and most convenient  way to ferry us down to the planet's surface. As I climbed aboard, I  took one last look at the Necromedes, where I'd spent more than half of  my last year. I was going to miss the place, but hopefully not too much.  After all, I was going to be busy pretty soon.