Wish upon the Stars chapter 474

There were so many things about myself that I had never wanted to  confront. So many dreams, hopes, and nightmares that I just stuffed in a  box in the back of my head so I didn't have to think about them. As I  progressed through the maze, I faced them all. Some of them broke my  heart (the me who had never met Benny and had become a terrified shell  with no one to lean on), some of them scared me (the me who had joined  the Black Sorrow Cult out of rebellion against my parents), and some  just left me feeling empty.

But as I progressed down the  path, the slight notion I had about what my mind lock was began to  develop. Each new version of me brought me closer to the inevitable  confrontation I knew was coming. Of course, it was also a maze, so I hit  a few dead ends, but eventually I figured it out through the tried and  true method of picking a direction and sticking to it.

After  several hours of facing my demons, I reached near the end of the maze.  Only two more mirrors to go. Approaching the second to last version of  myself. I watched him step from the mirror gracefully. Raising an  eyebrow at me as he did. No mask, no costume. This version of me was a  powerful cultivator, sure, but he wasn't a heroic cultivator. He was a  more...direct sort of Ascendant.

He raked his eyes over me  slowly, clicking his tongue in disappointment. "The trappings of  mediocrity." He drawled. "Playing hero, playing human. You rely too much  on your humanity, ignoring the power you could have. Resisting the  desire to destroy your enemies out of base sentiment. It's pathetic,  really."

"Why is nearly every version of me an unbearable  jackass." I wondered aloud. "Like none of me are cool? I guess I need to  know your schtick. Are you the me of christmas future? The person I  turn into if I decide to throw away my ties to the Unity and just be a  lone wolf?" I didn't have any clues to who he might be, so I figured I'd  just ask. He seemed smarmy and self absorbed enough to just tell me  outright to be honest.

With a snort, he turned his back on  me. Unconcerned with me as he studied out surroundings. "Thrown away? I  never had any ties to those simpletons. Children playing dressup,  focusing on everything but the true business of cultivation. Not that I  can blame them I suppose. Their incomplete cultivation style may be  fast, but its obviously deeply flawed. It's no wonder they're all madmen  or con artists."

That was when it clicked. "You're me as a  full cultivator. No heroic inclinations, just the same brutal  pragmatism I hear everyone else try to endorse." I looked him over.  Trying to see signs of something I knew wouldn't leave any. He just  looked like, but more of a dick.

The smarmy smirk didn't  help that impression. "Brutal pragmatism?" He mocked. "You're speaking  only of reality. The world as it is. Accepting the way the universe  works is nothing to be ashamed of. One must do what is necessary to  advance. Killing enemies, stealing from others, exploiting the weak.  These things are human nature. There's only a finite amount of power in  the world, in order to accrue it you must seize it from others."

"Whatever  asshole." I scoffed. "You're not the first to say that kind of thing to  me. I've found the opposite to be true though. My friends are what keep  me grounded. Keep me going. They give me the drive to move forward and  be what I need to be. People like you just consume to try to fill the  pit in your soul, but I've got an actual reason to fight, and I'll take  that any day."

As I spoke, I realized that every word of  it was true. This was how I felt. There had always been a part of me  that had desperately wanted to embrace the way a real cultivator did  things. That though I was only half assing it and that was why I  progressed so slow. I wasn't proud of that part, but it had been there.  Seeing what my life would be like as that kind of person though, letting  it go was the easiest thing in the world.

Power without  people to share it with was empty. This version of me had basically gone  full recursion, just using the Job system as a buffer to prevent  obvious insanity. When I had that realization, other me froze, and then  stepped back into the mirror, showing my own image once again as the  glass cracked and faded away.

I turned to the last mirror.  And then there was one. The last flaw the maze had found in me. Not  that I thought I was perfect now, but based on what I'd been feeling, at  the very least this should be the one to help me break through my mind  shackle. I stepped up to the mirror, looking into the glass to see what  horror I'd have to deal with now.

As I faced the final  test the maze had for me, I expected something dramatic and dangerous,  but to my surprise, the me that stepped out of the mirror  looked...normal. He waved to me casually. "Oh, hey man. Nice duds. You  look like a character from this game I like to play."

"Doom  Sovereign?" I asked with amusement. "Because that's way closer to the  truth than you might think." I wondered what he thought he was doing  here. The rest of them had been undergoing tests like I was, but this  version of me wasn't an Ascendant as far as I could tell. He was just a  regular person. Not an inkling of Impact came from the slightly shorter  me.

It was the height that tipped me off. I'd traded  Callie for an inch of height during a wish back on Callus. This Shane  was six foot three, like I had been for most of my life. All the little  details combined made it clear what I was looking at here. This was me  if I'd never began cultivating.

In a way, this was more  intoxicating than any of the other possibilities. This wasn't some  alternate life where I didn't have any of my loved ones or had some  radically different viewpoint. This was me as I had been not too long  ago. Happy, at peace with myself.

This part of me was more  insidious than some dark undercurrent wishing for power. This version  of me was all about regret. What if I'd never left Callus. Never  abandoned my life. What if Benny and I had stayed and lived our lives.  No danger, no craziness. Just me as I had been.

But the  rest of the maze had already worn the shine off that apple. I'd seen  myself dark, seen myself, cold, seen myself miserable, happy, strong,  weak. I'd seen what I'd have been with my mom, with my dad, raising  myself unsupervised. Every version of me had been a choice, a possible  ending for my story that I hadn't decided to write. This one was no  different.

Not just because this version of me didn't have  Callie (though it definitely factored) but I knew I didn't want this  because it was just one more thing I was supposed to hope for. That had  been the theme here. I always wanted what everyone else wanted me to  want. Trying to live up to expectations, trying to be what I thought I  should.

It wasn't my heart shackle, as much as it sounded  external, because the pressure didn't come from outside. It was my own. I  wasn't trying to live up to anyone's expectations, I was trying to live  up to what I thought their expectations WOULD be. An impossible  benchmark none of them would ever set. I wanted to be perfect, to prove  myself to EVERYONE, and to myself in the process.

I stared  at the other me, feeling myself...change. Grow. Not into a yellow soul,  but in a way I couldn't define, sublimating and straining at the  shackle. I was on the right track. But I wasn't quite there. I cocked my  head at the normal me. "So...don't you ever want more? Want to be  someone else? Or are you happy where you are."

He  shrugged. "That's the trick isn't it? The one we play on ourselves?  Wanting this ineffable far off thing. This perfect future. But if we  spend all our time chasing the sunset, we trip over the things under our  feet. Who cares what I'm going to be? Having goals is fine, but they  don't just happen. You can commit to a thousand long term plans, but  that doesn't matter if you aren't taking the steps to reach them."

I  blinked at that. "What do you mean? You're saying my goals are all  pointless? Because I AM trying to reach them. It's all I've been doing  lately."

"I know." He said with a laugh. "But have you  actually been getting any closer? Confusing advancement with progress is  just standing still on an escalator. All this training. All this work.  Have you been doing what you need to do to move forward?"

It  was hard not to real my eyes at the quippy philosophical bullshit, but I  did see his point. "Hurry up and wait." I said with a grimace. "Instead  of constantly trying to make my life something far off and perfect, I  should be taking the steps needed to make it as close to that as it can  be right now. Not a long delayed journey as the same person where I  magically transform at the end. A step by step transformation where I'm a  different person each day."

He snapped and pointed at me,  the other finger going to his nose. "Bingo! You'd already mostly  figured it out anyway. You need to say it the right way though. You're  almost through, and you know it. There's a few thoughts there. You need  to put it all together."

"Be myself." I said with a snort.  "All of it comes down to that. Be the me that I am in the moment. Not  for my loved ones, or for the expectations of others, or to put myself  in a better position. Reputation, renown, recursion. It's all secondary.  The main person that decides how my story unfolds is me. I need to take  control of my own life and steer my destiny. I made that realization  partway when I decided to change my family, but I never followed it all  the way through."

"You got it." Grinned the other me. "Not  that I'm saying you need to be a contrary asshole and never do anything  anyone wants. Just that in the end, no matter how it seems. You're the  one who decides the path you take. Even if the direction is sometimes  laid out for you, you're the one who walks it. After all, you can always  take a hard left turn into the wilderness, right?"

I felt  the shackle give way. A chain binding my spirit fractured and my entire  sense of self...changed. Evolved. I became more than I had ever been as  my soul ascended to yellow. I felt... clean. Free. Unleashed. I hadn't  noticed the restriction of being at the peak of orange until it was  gone, but now I just felt like I was more.

"Who are you?" I  asked the me standing in front of the last mirror.  "Are you really  just a possible version of me? None of the others seemed quite this self  aware."

He just shrugged as he stepped back into the  mirror. "I'm just a maybe. No need to think about it too much." As he  stepped inside, the mirror cracked, and a fragment of silver metal flew  forward to float in front of me. I guessed the wait time talking to  Chelsea had cost me the gold. I let it merge into me so I could save it  for Callie, and then turned to the golden glowing door. On to the next  trial. Whatever that may be.