PTSD UPDATE
Added 2021-06-13 16:18:07 +0000 UTCWell, this sucks.
I had set myself a goal to return to work on the first of July. It was a personal goal more than a clinical one- a hope, maybe- in part driven by the fear that my job will tell me to fuck off forever, PTSD or not, social security involved or not. That target seems a tad distant now. Perhaps I'll make it, perhaps I won't. I'm not sure it's up to me; what IS up to me is to keep going through the treatment and do my best every day.
I won't be over dramatic and say things feel like a neverending dark night. It's more like... a shadowy brunch of the soul. I could do without the nightmares, though.
The treatment can sometimes leave me quite frazzled. EMDR is weird, like hypnosis except... not so much. It's a super physical experience. In the last sessions I've shaken, felt intense cold, shivered and contracted my muscles without knowing it to the point that I am left in pain for a couple of days afterwards. It feels like dreaming, except your brain is being pumped full of Red Bull, opening neural pathways and setting itself on fire.
It can be awesome. When you hit one of your triggers or traumas it can be painful. But it works in the long run.
I'm still trying to accept that I'm doing this for me, not to get back to work ASAP. But somewhere inside me there is that fear and that overseer yelling at me that I have to go back NOW. Some days it's a lot to handle.
In any case, all I can do is be grateful to all of you for your kindness and patience. I wish I had more solid data regarding what will happen and when. The truth is, I don't. Brains are a strange thing.
Then again, that's the whole basis for the blog, isn't it. They can be strange in a fun way, or in a not so fun way. But we are weird creatures indeed.
