Way of the Shadow Wolves - Jan/10/2023

Alleged rapist and human trafficker, cop groupie, washed-up action movie star, and personal friend to Validmir Putin, the paradox of Steven Segal is how he manages to stick around despite being –by damn near every account– a universally unpleasant vacuum of charisma. I could go on, but I feel that no introduction of Steven would be complete without the story of Steven’s conflict with legendary martial artist and hollywood stunt coordinator “Judo” Gene Lebell. Allegedly, the two fell into an argument on the set of the film Out For Justice. The crux of the argument was Steven’s claim that he was “immune” to being choked unconscious. Allegedly, LaBell called his bluff, and put the actor in a headlock. A headlock that resulted in Steven losing consciousness, and control of his bowels. Steven denies the story. He also wrote a book.

The book is garbage, but garbage in a way that can be easily overstated. I wanted to call the text what it is; a fever dream of exhausting mediocrity, an unhinged swaddled in delusions of grandeur. I wanted to whale on it, I wanted to denounce it like some ridiculous fire-and-brimstone preacher of internet literary criticism. But this does not capture the core, the essence of Way of the Shadow Wolves. To call this book a fever dream is to imply that it might be exciting. It is deeply, powerfully, boring.

Some books are bad in a way that must be experienced firsthand. This is not one of those books. In a way, I feel that you’ve already read this book. You know Steven Segal. You met him in elementary school, when he told you he has “every black belt.” You met him in college when you tricked him into smoking a bag of oregano. You met him at your most recent family gathering, where you were trapped in an awkward one-sided conversation about “those people.” The bad-ness of Steven’s work is deeply familiar.

We have our boots. We have our waders. We have our shovels. But, before we wade into the shit, there is one more thing we need to get out of the way: The Shadow Wolves are real. In 1972 the United States government agreed to the Tohono O'odham Nation’s demand that border enforcement agents patrolling their land have at least one quarter native ancestry. The result being the specialized unit of Immigration and Customs Enforcement officers known as The Shadow Wolves. In the 2020 Sonic the Hedgehog film, Dr. Eggman states that they are who trained him in the art of tracking.

WAY OF THE SHADOW WOLVES

Let us cook Way of the Shadow Wolves from scratch. Think of every dogshit C-list action movie you’ve ever seen. Ideally, you want the trash cuts of post-9/11 hysteria marbled with ex-cia heroes and vaguely arab villains. Drop it all into a stockpot. Next, roughly dice some comic books and kung-fu movies, the more racist the better. Now add some datura, it doesn't matter if it's edible or not, because you saw a native american in a movie make something like that once and you’re totally 1/64th Cherokee. Add a whole can of Qanon and a whole can of racism. Boil until you have pacing thicker than mud.

Way of the Shadow Wolves is a police procedural meets a spy thriller, a fast-paced action drama about elite agents on the fringes of the law who have the huge sweaty meaty balls to do what needs to be done for our country. It is Steven's attempt at the action schlock he embodies as an actor. Our hero is John Gode: Shadow Wolf. Reservation-born native american tracker, ICE agent, and Kung-Fu master. I believe he might have been described at one point. If he was, I don’t care. Steven does not care. It does not matter. John Gode is Steven, and he’s the most badass dude to ever not be gay. He is: Special Agent Shaman Cop. He’s gonna beat up the deep state. That’s all you need to know.

I have been dancing around the quality of the writing. It seems impossible to approach without the footing of a new paragraph, an opponent that requires full-focus, an all-out assault. It is nigh-incomprehensible. I hate comparing bad writing to drugs. It feels too easy. But there is a specific air to Way of the Shadow Wolves. There is a distinct cadence, simultaneously manic and lethargic, that comes from attempting to write while day drunk on over-prescribed amphetamines. And make no mistake, if Steven was not entranced by the muse of Too Many Uppers And Downers At The Same Time, if he wrote this thing stone sober, that is worse. Small quotes will not do the writing style justice, you must see how sentences flow into each other:

“The desperado’s mind went back in time to a small town in Mexico twelve years before, where he first met his two cohorts when they were thrown together by a tragic set of circumstances. Their parents had been gunned down by a cartel who was at war with a competing cartel for control of the area, which was a pathway to the American border near Nogales, Arizona. All three had been shepherded to a local mission where they were being cared for by the Franciscans, who were becoming overwhelmed by the growing number of children left homeless due to the rampant killings by the warring cartels . . .”

Labyrinthine. A paragraph structure that would feel more at home with Calvino, or Garcia Marquez at his most experimental, though stripped of its deft control and musicality.
Segal will regularly change temporal perspective in the middle of sentences. A single run-on sentence will begin in the past, have a middle clause in the present, and then return to the past by the end. There is a downright massive cast of characters for a 200 page book. Damn near every chapter introduces three or four more names, and we are lucky if Steven describes them before discarding them entirely. I attempted to keep track, and lost count around twenty. The way Steven introduces characters is beyond effective description. I will provide an example:

“Everyone on that show ‘Cheers’ knew one another’s names because they all lived at that bar. You, however, live in the desert, where no one knows your name, and when it gets dark they can’t even see you,” Noche said just before being interrupted by a very attractive lady who came over to the table and sat down with them.“And who are you, my lovely?” Noche asked with pleasant surprise tingeing his voice.“Name’s Sheila.” She sat right across from John, staring intently into his eyes. She was tall, slender, and looked like she was about twenty, with long dark hair flowing over her shoulders. “What’s yours?”

“Just call me Noche.”

This happens regularly. Characters will simply materialize in the middle of a sentence with the all the grace of a freight train t-boning a schoolbus.

–

To call this book a fever dream is to imply that it might be exciting. I find myself disappointed. Given the absolutely buckwild premise, I was shocked at just how much of a slog this book was.

We all know Steven Segal. You met him in elementary school, when he told you he has “every black belt.” You met him in college when you tricked him into smoking a bag of oregano. You met him at our most recent family gathering, where you were trapped in an awkward one-sided conversation about “those people.”

The book is much like steven himself, a paragon of exhausting mediocrity, swaddled in delusions of grandeur.

It is difficult to describe for several reasons. Stevens incompetence with language borders on the illiterate.

You can see the action movie in Steven’s head when he was writing this.

It is difficult to know where to begin, because the book itself does not know where to begin. Chapters are written non-chronologically,

–

In spirit, we all know Steven Segal. You met him in elementary school, when he told you he has every black belt. You met him in college when you tricked him into smoking a bag of oregano. You met him at Christmas, when he told a racist joke that nobody laughed at.

This book has been described as a fever dream, but at least fever dreams are exciting.

Chapter 3 shows us the deep states evil lair. This is a childs understanding of politics

Noche literally tortures a guy with a rattlesnake

“Sleeper cells of Muslim terrorists?” The big lawman was almost thinking out loud. “Why would high rollers come through this godforsaken part of the state? Why wouldn’t they do this in Mexico, where they wouldn’t have risk of being caught? Especially if there are Mexicano importantes protecting them. Doesn’t add up.” 18%

“The desperado’s mind went back in time to a small town in Mexico twelve years before, where he first met his two cohorts when they were thrown together by a tragic set of circumstances. Their parents had been gunned down by a cartel who was at war with a competing cartel for control of the area, which was a pathway to the American border near Nogales, Arizona. All three had been shepherded to a local mission where they were being cared for by the Franciscans, who were becoming overwhelmed by the growing number of children left homeless due to the rampant killings by the warring cartels . . .”

Come on man dont get weirdly sympathetic on me after you tortured this dude with a snake

06

God there is a disgustingly voyeuristic depiction of one of the desperado’s backstory. It feels like Segal is kinda jerking off to the imagined depravities of cartel violence.

07 - “The Feds and the Cartel, whats the difference?”

Jesus this dialogue is garbage. There are so many characters and none of them speak like humans. Its impossible to tell who is doing what and when.

He implies the Cartel has Hellfire missiles

John has some gut feeling about these captured cartel members being “more than just desperados and drug runners” but for the life of me I cant figure out why. I think its because they look and sound arab?

08: Mexican intelligence perspective

Stop introducing character jesus fucking christ

““CARAJO! GRAN CARAJO.”

Jose Maria Gutierrez de Porras, the top counterintelligence officer in Mexico who reported directly to the president of Mexico, was pissed. Seriously pissed.”

Wow. I would never have been able to tell if you hadn’t said.

““People, I need some ideas. The Deep State to the north is on the move. We are seeing one thousand jihadists a month going north, and they seem to have almost miraculous powers both here in Mexico and once across the border—as if they were on diplomatic passports all expenses paid.”

WOW. A thousand a month???

““The president is sick and tired of hearing about a wall that is not needed to keep Mexicans out—we already own the fucking USA. The OTMs are giving us a bad name, whether they’re Central American baby gangsters or Asian gangsters, I don’t care.”

What

““It is crystal clear to all of us that the USG is completely penetrated, and this trafficking of human jihadists is approved by the president himself and being protected by rogue elements of the CIA, FBI, and DEA—the same rogue elements that have been smuggling drugs, guns, gold, cash, and small children for the American elite ever since Allen Dulles and J. Edgar Hoover first created the secret state within a state.”

Okay we have some actual criticism of the CIA. Like yes Allen Dulles and J. Edgar were horrible.

“I have no idea what they are planning, but a violent American Spring funded by Constantine Loros and augmented by a wave of false flag attacks absolutely comes to mind.

That guy isn’t real. Its clearly supposed to be George Soros.

““Our president is adamant. The USA is half Latino now; we have recovered all the land stolen from us through the Mexcan-American War started on the basis of many lies—yellow journalism—and we need to protect our investment.”

Not true. Fucking hell.

““We will show the American people we care as much about the integrity of their Constitution and their Republic as they do.””

Ah yes. Mexican counterintelligence officers. Well known for caring about the constitution. Segal seems to elevate this to the level of some bizarre holy document.

09: Cartel prisoners

Oh yeah the previous chapter is over fuckhead

Okay we have a flashback to Johns backstory. He grew up on a reservation and his younger brother killed himself.

His grandfather taught him the old ways of the spirit or whatever

“His tracking ability was uncanny, as was his talent for learning things that pertained to his internal self, like the ancient Chinese art of Bagua and the Japanese art of Aikido.”

The two most bullshitified martial arts. Except maybe for combat Tai Chi

Name Dropped Maricopa County Jail

10: Death sign

“THE NEXT MORNING, John tried to reach the woman reporter, Maria,”

This is so fuckign funny

Oh the cartel killed the woman reporter. Why. What did she even do.

“That meddling, Indian, pain in the ass,” he said quietly, almost to himself as he examined the cellphone.”

Scooby doo ass dialogue

Oh my god. They stuff her body into a suitcase and they’re able to leave the place unnoticed because some random lady happens to get her purse stolen at the exact moment they need to leave.

STOP INTRODUCING CHARACTERS MOTHER FUCKER

Okay its implied that that this is the body they find in the opening scene.

Jimmy and his brother Sweet Tooth are now discussing how hot the murdered reporter is.

11: The cartel and the Jihadists

John is now chastizing the cartel guy for being mean to other mexicans

““Talk to me, man. I may be your only way back to being human.” John paused for a moment. “I want to know your real name. What is it?” he spat out quickly. He got nothing.

”

Jesus christ man

““And that makes you feel good?” John made a Marlon Brando “Godfather” face as he spoke. “Don’t shit me, man. You know that I know what is going on in your head.””

““Where did you learn to speak English?” John asked.”

People speak english in mexico

““Like I told you, ese, I was organizing the community. Like Obama did before he organized the country.””

Wait does he actually think that Community organization is code for gang shit? I don’t think so.

12: The Border Project

“GENERAL CLAP, CALLED “VD” behind his back, was pensive.” Alright that actually made me laugh.

“ POTUS has accelerated his timeline for Operation Paperclip II. We have one thousand jihadists coming in next month; they all need to be in position and ready to go for the second wave of violence across America that kicks off on Two July.”

OPERATION PAPERCLIP…2!!

“Like many of the senior servant class in the USG, General Clap—he preferred to be called Director Clap in keeping with his cosmetic role as the nominal director of the national intelligence community—was a 34th degree Bubba. Everyone in the room was also a 34th.”

Oh hey freemasonry, you dont see them much these days.

“General Clap did not understand the way of the ancient warrior. However, the Shadow Wolves did.”

Oh my god

13: Deep state shootout

“Pulling his weapon, he ducked down and moved stealthily with the speed of an ocelot toward the noise. But when he arrived, he found nothing that could have caused it. He searched the area and then turned on a light before holstering his weapon.

He walked into his bedroom and was stunned for the moment at the sight of Alicia lying across his bed with one of his shirts on—and that was about it.

“Hey, did I scare you, little boy?””

EW

““I have trained attack scorpions there.” He laughed.

“You didn’t train them well enough, Johnny Boy,” she commented smugly but in a cute way.”

This reads like a shitpost

Okay the gang guy in jail is scared that someone is gonna kill him. They leave for Maricopa County Jail

“They entered Indian land some ten minutes later and drove toward the task force HQ, but were suddenly aware of two SUVs now moving up on them, rapidly firing shots that took out the rear window.”

Oh hey looks like someone is shooting at us

Jamie is dead

“Yeah, we surrounded them.” Alicia gave a tight-lipped smile and looked at her boss with a bit of coyness showing through in her demeanor, waiting for his response.

“So, two of you surrounded six of them. You gotta tell me how you did that.”

“That’s a secret technique taught to me by a great internal martial arts teacher.” John was stone-faced as he spoke.

“You haven’t told me how it works.” Armando was curious.

“And I’m not going to.”

“Why?”

“Big secret in China. Only shown to Chinese and Native Americans. Bound to silence, boss.”

FUCK OFFFFF

“You know as well as I that the cartels have more money than the Mexican government, and that kind of wealth can buy you anything you want. I’m surprised they don’t have drones,” Armando commented.”

Fuck off. Highest estimates put the cartels wealth at roughly 500 billion, and thats extremely generous. Mexico’s GPD is roughly 1.4 trillion. For the cartel to be wealthier than the mexican government, they would be the worlds 14th largest economy.

14: Exit strategy

Sweet tooth and jimmy chapter. Good lord this is a slog.

15: The Enemy Within

“You want to explain to me how you got one of my prisoners killed last night?”

John looked up at the red-faced federal agent and replied with a simple, “No.”

Lol what are civil rights

““I suppose that’s a threat, Geronimo? You got me crapping in my pants. Can’t you see me shaking and shitting?””

Oh you’re shitting? You’re shdding and farding?

Oh my god they use their awesome kung fu to beat up the federal agents. As if that’s not something that gets you MK-Ultra’d in real life.

16: The coffee pot

God this is fucking boring. I think hes trying to write a mystery solving scene regarding the woman reporters hotel room.

“The Islamic terrorists that are here are supported by sympathetic lawyers, doctors, judges, and CEOs, all woven into our society, funding the soldiers of their caliphate as they prepare to become active and begin the process of taking down what they call us—the Great Satan”

So they’ve won? What’re you gonna do? Shoot all of them?

““And you’re telling me that this goes up to the White House?” John asked grimly.

“Yeah, I’m telling you that. To the White House. There are around fifty members of the Muslim Brotherhood, Hezbollah”

Does he think that Hezbollah and ISIS are the same thing

17: Girls Night Out

Yet another instance of Gode citing his gut. This is not proper procedure sir.

Now that ive had a day to chew on this. Its hard not to see the movie that Segal probably saw in is mind when he was writing this. It almost makes me wish he had made the damn thing, it would have been a cult classic on par with Samurai Cop.

““What made you do that?”

“My gut.”

“Why did I even ask a dumb-ass question like that?” Noche muttered.”

Mr Segal, your characters do actually have to have reasons behind their actions.

““Everyone on that show ‘Cheers’ knew one another’s names because they all lived at that bar. You, however, live in the desert, where no one knows your name, and when it gets dark they can’t even see you,” Noche said just before being interrupted by a very attractive lady who came over to the table and sat down with them.“And who are you, my lovely?” Noche asked with pleasant surprise tingeing his voice.“Name’s Sheila.” She sat right across from John, staring intently into his eyes. She was tall, slender, and looked like she was about twenty, with long dark hair flowing over her shoulders. “What’s yours?”

“Just call me Noche.”

THIS SHIT THIS RIGHT HERE. Characters regularly just start speaking out loud to nobody and then the “camera” pans over to reveal a new character who has been sitting there the entire time.

““I’d like to buy you a drink. I want to see how long it takes for that drink to go from your lips to your brain.” She chuckled suggestively.

“To my brain? Not my stomach first?” John asked lightly.

“To your blood, actually.” She smiled. “After it gets there, the rest is academic.”

“Academic? Interesting.” John was impressed by her choice of words.

“So . . . what’ll you have?”

SDJKFSADHFKASH

““Police! Get back inside,” John shouted to the confused group. They all scampered rapidly back into the building.”

Omg he gets attacked by a ninja. Oh my god the hot chick was a kung fu assassin and he beats her up and shoots her in the head. Thats interesting. There’s something to be said for besting someone with kung-fu and then putting a bullet in their brain. Its like this ultimate punctuation on the defeat. It feels so out of place, a humiliation.

18: Jihad in the desert

Okay sso a cop scout found another jihadist convoy in the desert. The shadow wolves load up on fetishisticly described military surplus.

They capture a jihadist who is fucking buggs bunnied into giving up his identity

19: tracing weapons

“Looks like somebody died today,” Arlo commented quietly. “Guns have a way of making that happen. Don’t they?” He looked from face to face for a response. He was several inches shorter than John but moved like a man who knew where he was going . . . and how to get there.

What

““My feeling is that the government of Mexico is totally in league with the biggest and richest cartel, the Sinaloas. Think of it this way, the cartels have more money than the Mexican government. Some of those high up in government are probably being propped up by that Mexican mafia who feed them money, and they also get their poorest of the poor out of their country and into this one.””

““I wish it were just poor Arabs instead of what is really coming in. You know as well as I do that we’ve been finding copies of the Koran strewn in many different parts of the desert between here and the border for the past year. What better indicator that Arabs are now coming across in larger numbers—only, not for the same reason the Mexicans are.”

What

“Alicia was becoming more uneasy by John’s take on all this as the road rolled by under them. “Our government? This government? DC?” She shook her head, trying to shake the reality of John’s words. “How high up do you think this goes?”

“To the White House,” he answered without reservation.”

How do you even know that. How could you know that.

Ah, they think obama is muslim

“Come on, John. The one quirk I find most annoying about you is your selective hearing. Don’t try to shit me any more than a minute on this. It’s too big for it to not get you hurt if this is real.” She looked at him imploringly. “You are my world, John Gode. My whole world, and I’m here with you because I feel that way. I want to catch the bad guys as much as you want to. But this looks like what we are dealing with is worse than anything we’ve come up against ever before.””

I love that this is supposed to be dramatic

““What’s making you say that, John?”

“My gut.””

This is supposed to read as cool and badass and not completely insane

20: The drive

They looked into the secret agent guy they beat up and hes not “on the books” as if thats a thing the CIA has and is accessible

““How long do we have to let this guy roam around here before we cap his ass?” John’s intensity did not abate.”

Why? Why are they trying to kill him? What would that DO for them? What is their plan here beyond indiscriminate murder.

“DC . . . John Gode . . . DC . . . the land of the Redskins.” That was Sunday’s way of making a joke in a serious situation by bringing up the politically-correct silliness over the name of that team.”  “That makes some sense out of that highway ambush. These guys look like they don’t play. And now it appears that they are looking to do something to you. How do you spell Deep State?”

“First word begins with a ‘B.’ I’ll call you back as soon as I drop this load.

What? What the actual fuck does this mean.

21: Deep state jihadist army revealed

““We’re going to need the strength of something from ‘the other side’ to fight this battle.”

“The other side of what?” Alicia asked.

“Of everything that is,” John answered, taking a long, slow breath.”

“I can remain with you from this point on, to help you. My communication with Mohammed is this way . . . he calls me. I do not call him. So, if you believe me and agree to allow me to help you, you will have go with your gut about whether or not I’m real. Of course, that will be proved by my actions and not by my words.”

WHAT

“Then on another foray, they go into the desert and run mock raids with the sharpest precision. These guys are so well-trained and dedicated, it makes stopping them here in this country almost impossible. Chalk it all up to political correctness.””

What the fuck is he talking about

He’s referring to these cartel Jihadis being the most badass dudes ever

“can’t get my arms around just how deep it is in the ranks of law enforcement. The politicos are always up for sale, that’s the way it is with those in power. But those in our ranks? I’m having trouble believing they have reached many of them. Wilson excepted,” he blurted.”

Hes referring to cartel money

“It all comes down to money. The jihadists have plenty of it, and the Catholics who are working with them want plenty of it. As long as that’s a factor, the whole thing works. The people who are being victimized there are the peons who have to work for these tyrants. But that is where the chink could develop in their armor.”

DSJBFJHADJASBFHJKHJ

““Antonio Septuan, who operates out of the City of Angels. He is one ruthless and heartless son of a bitch.”

“What have you got on him?”

“He is a reptile . . . suspected of wiping out large groups of people just to get his point across,” Gato said.”

There it is

If the entire political class is corrupt, why do they even have to hide any of this? Who exactly are they hiding it FROM?

22: Grandfathers ghost

Wilson kidnaps johns mother?

The ghost of johns grandfather appears to him like hey your mom got kidnapped

Also wilson is following john and company with a drone

23: Dead reporter talks

FINALLY THEY GO THROUGH THE FUCKING FLASH DRIVE

It confirms literally everything Gode suspects. How about that.

Sweet tooths brother calls to say that the jihadis are gonna blow up a resort casino for some reason. How he knows this is never explained. The casino is where Johns mom works?

24: Deep state jihadis attack

Nothing happens

25: CArtel joins the jihad

The cartel guys are like we will trade the drive for your mom. John leaves it on top of a thing at a casino

26 whatever. Nothing happens in this chapter

27” shadow wolves fight for americas future

They’re raiding the cave where they have his mom. Their plan involves a snake.

“John readied himself to get at least three silent shots off in rapid succession, hoping to take all three out. Then the man at the mouth of the cave turned and went back inside.”

Not how guns work

“I dipped my rounds in pig’s blood and also my knife. Nothing personal. Just making things interesting. You understand, don’t you?” John was hoping to somehow cause him an emotional jolt so he would make a mistake, giving John the opening he needed to get between the Persian terrorist and his mother.”

Jesus. Not how that works.

“He swiped at John with his dagger, holding it with scabbard up and the blade down, resting against his forearm, a clear indication he was a dangerous foe.”

What does that MEAN. How is he holding the scabbard??

“Amma Gode called out, “John . . . the old ways. Remember them.” She was terrified for her son. So was Alicia, because she was witnessing the first time John was facing another person who appeared to be as good as he was.”

Hell yeah

Also this dude is persian? Not arab?

“They’re gonna blow up the Mall of America near Minneapolis tomorrow during the peak shopping hours, late mornin’”

Good

““To my place,” Noche interjected quickly. “You should be safe there. These assholes don’t know where I live. Hell, sometimes even I can’t find it. Here’s the key.” He tossed it to Alicia.”

Your corrupt supervisor wilson knows where all of you live

28: the saudi white house jihadist plan

Thats just word salad

“They have seeded the government with Muslim Brotherhood members who hate our country.”

they have the PRESIDENCY. You’ve LOST.

“Bellamy entered the hospital from a side door and walked quickly toward the emergency room, arriving just as Amma, slumped in the wheelchair, was being taken into the treatment area. He dropped into a chair and picked up a newspaper that was sitting on a seat next to him. Hiding behind the opened paper, he observed Alicia going in with her and a few moments later coming back out with her phone to her ear, walking toward the hospital security office.”

Thats from a fucking cartoon

“he silencer raised up in her direction, and immediately everything fell into place.

Two quick rounds from Alicia’s Sig Sauer put an end to the Judas in their ranks as he fell dead at her feet.”

Okay so bellamy was a traitor, who cares

Oh good lord it goes to 29

29: ghost warriors

They thwart the terrorist attack somehow idk who gives a shit