LEGEND OF ALTAZAR REVIEW: V2

A middle-aged man with a pornstache and jean-shorts parks outside of a music festival, you can see yourself reflected in his aviator sunglasses as sells you talismans from the back of his van.

Painted on the side of the van, there is a mural of a wizard. That wizard wrote this book.

I will get it out of the way early: This book sucks. The prose is horribly overwritten, the plot is difficult to follow, and the characters are barely characters. This book pacing of a heart attack, and the cultural sensitivity of a minstrel show. If there is any redeeming value to the text, it is as outsider art. The text has an undeniable sense of imagination. Occasionally, the bizarre setting and awkward prose can make the text feel truly alien, as if the author really is an ancient psychic being trying to squeeze its great thoughts into simple 2D text. Most of the time it’s just bad.

The Legend of Altazar, A Fragment of the True History of Planet Earth by The Hermit of the Crystal Mountain is built on a foundation of three occult ideas: Starseed Lore, Ancient Aliens, and Lost Continents. If you’re a normal person who doesn’t know what those terms mean, allow me to explain:

Starseeds, also called Star People, was a term coined by Brad Steiger in his 1976 book Gods of Aquarius, it argues that some people originated as extraterrestrials and arrived on Earth through birth or as a psychic pseudo-possession of a human. Basically, they think some people are descended from aliens. This branch of occultism has gained significant popularity in recent years, however its modern expressions are extremely varied. The only thing that every Starseed believer agrees on is “Some people have a deep and innate connection to an alien civilization.” However, it should also be said that many expressions of Starseed lore have deeply troubling implications. Some expressions describe a human starseed as having “alien DNA.” Some expressions imply that different human ethnicities are descended from different celestial races, creating what is essentially phrenology with a thin veneer of UFO lore on top. Each expression needs to be individually deconstructed, as subtle details can be the difference between harmless new-age woo and thinly veiled white supremacy.

Ancient aliens, an occult cousin of starseed lore, was originally coined in 1968 by arch-pseudohistorian Erich von Daniken in his book Chariots of the Gods. In the text, he posits that many structures and technologies from history are the result of extraterrestrial interventions. This is the “aliens built the pyramids” stuff. Needless to say, the idea that the wonders of the ancient world were actually the result of aliens is completely ahistorical, and robs ancient humanity of the incredible things they achieved. Proponents of the theory also have a habit of implying that civilizations seen as white did not need the assistance of aliens. For instance, they claim that the parthenon in ancient Greece was built by humans, but that the Aztec capital of Tenochtitlan was built by aliens, despite the fact that the city was being built at the same time Ibn Battuda left on his big field trip.

Lost continents or lost lands are the branch of occult history that deals with theoretical locations that were destroyed in some cataclysmic event. This is the “Lost continent of Atlantis” stuff. The idea of lost continents is not problematic in of itself. In fact, lost land theories are occasionally 100% true. There are several submerged land masses around the world that humans previously inhabited. The occult comes in with the stories we assign to these lost lands. For example, the myth of Atlantis comes from Plato’s Republic, where he paints it as an aggressive and hubristic naval power bent on self-destruction. However, the mythology around Atlantis clearly draws from the Minoan civilization, which actually did exist until it was destroyed in the Santorini volcanic eruption. This is not to say that every theory around lost lands has historical background. The Lost Continent of Lemuria was originally the brainchild of a perfectly normal 1864 zoologist named Phillip Schlater as an explanation for why there were lemur fossils in madagascar and india, but not in africa or the middle east. Madame Helena Blavatsky, the Kevin Bacon of occult history, saw the idea of a theoretical landmass in oceania and ran with it.

Now that we have our foundation, a quick note about our author. The Hermit of the Crystal Mountain, aka Solara, aka Nani Sheppard, has published a litany of other works, books with titles like “Invoking Your Celestial Guardians” and “Through the Doorway of the 11:11.” Though difficult to know for sure, her occultism appears sincere. One gets the sense that she really does believe that mankind is descended from a myriad of alien races. Many of Sheppard’s works seek to help others discover their “alien ancestry” and activate all the magical powers that come with that sort of thing. However, this text is quite different from her other work. It is not a magical self-help book or a grimoire of psychic crystal spells. The Legend of Altazar is adventure fiction, full-blown Lord of the Rings ass adventure fiction. So without further ado, let’s dive in.

“Once upon a time in the long lost ago known as the Golden Age, there lived a mighty king named Altazar. He was not simply an ordinary king, nor even a great king, but was a true monarch of the sort that the world has not seen since a distant age. For his very name, Altazar, meant High King, and that he was.”

Meet our protagonist, Altazar, the kinglyest king who ever kinged. He kings over the kingdom of Lemuria, the massive lost continent where oceania is now. And to quote the great and wise sage Jane Austen; “it is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.” However! “No woman was in possession of such grace, virtue and wisdom to be a worthy mate of the High King.” So the high priests of Lemuria sent a telepathic message to the Hight Priests of the Great Continent of Atlantis, asking for a suitable bride.

Thus we are introduced to the brotherhood of the Seven, the theological ruling body of Atlantis, who choose a suitably moral breeding sow for King Highking. The lucky lady is a priestess of the Temple of Creative Healing Wisdom, (ORALIN), Diandra. “Ah yes, it was she. Diandra of the long cascading blond hair, of the wide-set all-seeing blue eyes, Diandra with the finely chiselled cheekbones. Yes. it was Diandra-holder of the Seven Knots of Healing Wisdom.” Ah yes, all of the qualities that mark one of superior wisdom.

So Diandra goes through all the standard ritual fasting, purifications, and irradiations with different crystalline energies so she could pass the fountain whose Waters of Clarity she would drink no more and the section of the city that was forbidden to all but the Makers who possessed all nine Knots of Healing wisdom, on her way to the Tower of Truth so she could be teleported to Lemuria. However, before she can be teleported, the Elder of the Seven shares a telepathic vision of Altazar’s tragic end. This is an important Chekhov's Gun for the rest of the story. Something is going to cause Altazar to fall from grace, but we don’t know what.

“And thus did our fair Diandra leave Atlantis and go to the land of Altazar. And this I know for certain. Because in some form or another, I was there.” Yes. The author is a character in the text, and they speak directly to us at several occasions, often dropping in with little clarifications or comments.

So Diandra and Altazar meet and instantly fall madly in love at their first touch. Diandra was unable to resist the raw sexual and romantic power of his “white turban-like covering from which protruded iridescent peacock feathers.” They “form a union” which in this context I think is like getting married but with more crystals. Everything is perfect and happy and wonderful and ideal. But! Their love is short-lived, as Altazar is called to make a journey! “The Council of Tana wants me to go to the distant outpost island of Rapan-Nui to settle some distant energies.” Which absolutely seems like the sort of problem the King of Lemuria would have to deal with.

Meanwhile, Bog-Lor and Seplik --characters that we have never met-- astral project into the volcanic chamber that holds the Lemurian Mother Egg. When they touch the egg, it pops because Seplik’s astral hands were too rough and clumsy, thus dooming all of Lemuria. If that feels like it came out of nowhere, it's because it did. After breaking the egg, both immediately commit suicide by throwing themselves into the volcano. Now dear reader, you are probably wondering what the mother egg is. I am too. The mother egg is not an established part of the lore. Personally, I don’t mind the author leaving this vague. There’s an egg in a volcano that controls Lemuria. Sure. I can roll with that. It’s a neat little piece of worldbuilding, but one that is introduced and destroyed in the space of three pages.

Some unimportant stuff happens back on Lemuria, but Altazar makes it to the island of Rapan-Nui. (The lost-continent lore version of easter island.) “Altazar had been sent here to re-channel some corruption that had seeped into the temple hierarchy.” Which was really easy for him because he was such a cool chad king. Then he feels a disturbance in the aura of the sky and realizes that Lemuria has been destroyed by volcanos and everyone he loves is dead. He weeps cool manly chad tears where nobody can see him.

Now, we meet our second protagonist. Solana, a young priest of Rapan-Nui who consoles Altazar. The two drink from a bottle of perfume together. Apparently “flower essences” are the Lemurian equivalent of alcohol. Now drunk off his ass on flower juice, Altazar goes to see the Lemurian government. They tell him “When Lemuria was ripped out from the magnetic grid, it tore a hole in your auric shield as well. Only the crystal therapy of re-structuralization can heal you completely. It will be a long, arduous journey. We no longer have the means to teleport you. All of that was destroyed with the submerging of the main land mass.”  and send Solana to accompany Atazar to Atlantis for proper spiritual healing.

The pair take a reed boat from Rapan-Nui to the outskirts of the kingdom of AN. In real-life terms, that means they sailed from Easter Island to the coast of Chile, a journey of more than 3,600 kilometers. One Althazar realizes they have landed in AN, we are treated to this choice line: “Sol-AN-a, you my friend, are one of those bound secretly in service to the ancient God AN, are you not?” “Yes, Altazar, that is true. But to be here near the Kingdom of An is beyond my wildest dreams. I knew not if AN ever existed on the physical plane.” It is unclear why this is such a secret, as this is the last any character ever speaks of it.

As the travellers explore the outskirts of AN, they come across a beast that appears to be shaggy half-camel and half-deer trapped in a net of magical moon energy. Upon attempting to inspect the creature, they become trapped in the moon energy net and fall into a magic sleep. They awake in the temple complex of TI-WA-KU to its high priestess who identifies herself as Mu’Ra. She is described as large, strong, and uncannily beautiful. She  is described with thick dark hair that she wears in a braid, an oval face, defined cheekbones, almond eyes, and as carrying an obsidian dagger. Given that the temple of TI-WA-KU is implied to be in the Andes, I think that it is safe to say that Mu’Ra is coded as an indigenous Andean woman. Up to this point, every character is described as either overtly white, or with a vague neutrality. With the exception of Altazar’s peacock turban, Mu’Ra is the only character so far who is coded as a member of an existing ethnic group. This will be important later.

For now, Mu’Ra apologizes for snaring the travellers in her game trap, and offers them food and shelter. Altazar and Solana do not trust her, sensing that she is some highly-evolved galactic creature, but Althazar finds the temple quite strange and beautiful, and pays Mu’Ra proper respect as they tour the temple complex.