REVIEW: The Legend of Altazar

A middle-aged man with a pornstache and jean-shorts parks outside of a music festival, you can see yourself reflected in his aviator sunglasses as sells you talismans from the back of his van.

Painted on the side of the van, there is a mural of a wizard. That wizard wrote this book.

I will get it out of the way early: This book sucks. The prose is horribly overwritten, the plot is difficult to follow, and the characters are barely characters. This book pacing of a heart attack, and the cultural sensitivity of a minstrel show. If there is any redeeming value to the text, it is as outsider art. The text has an undeniable sense of imagination. Occasionally, the bizarre setting and awkward prose can make the text feel truly alien, as if the author really is an ancient psychic being trying to squeeze its great thoughts into simple 2D text. Most of the time it’s just bad.

(This review will contain mentions of anti-indigenous racism, sexual assault, and incest. Reader discretion is advised.)

The Legend of Altazar, A Fragment of the True History of Planet Earth by The Hermit of the Crystal Mountain is built on a foundation of three occult ideas: Starseed Lore, Ancient Aliens, and Lost Continents. If you’re a normal person who doesn’t know what those terms mean, allow me to explain:

Starseeds, also called Star People, was a term coined by Brad Steiger in his 1976 book Gods of Aquarius, it argues that some people originated as extraterrestrials and arrived on Earth through birth or as a psychic pseudo-possession of a human. Basically, they think some people are descended from aliens. This branch of occultism has gained significant popularity in recent years, however its modern expressions are extremely varied. The only thing that every Starseed believer agrees on is “Some people have a deep and innate connection to an alien civilization.” However, it should also be said that many expressions of Starseed lore have deeply troubling implications. Some expressions describe a human starseed as having “alien DNA.” Some expressions imply that different human ethnicities are descended from different celestial races, creating what is essentially phrenology with a thin veneer of UFO lore on top. Each expression needs to be individually deconstructed, as subtle details can be the difference between harmless new-age woo and thinly veiled white supremacy.

Ancient aliens, an occult cousin of starseed lore, was originally coined in 1968 by arch-pseudohistorian Erich von Daniken in his book Chariots of the Gods. In the text, he posits that many structures and technologies from history are the result of extraterrestrial interventions. This is the “aliens built the pyramids” stuff. Needless to say, the idea that the wonders of the ancient world were actually the result of aliens is completely ahistorical, and robs ancient humanity of the incredible things they achieved. Proponents of the theory also have a habit of implying that civilizations seen as white did not need the assistance of aliens. For instance, they claim that the parthenon in ancient Greece was built by humans, but that the Aztec capital of Tenochtitlan was built by aliens, despite the fact that the city was being built at the same time Ibn Battuda left on his big field trip.

Lost continents or lost lands are the branch of occult history that deals with theoretical locations that were destroyed in some cataclysmic event. This is the “Lost continent of Atlantis” stuff. The idea of lost continents is not problematic in of itself. In fact, lost land theories are occasionally 100% true. There are several submerged land masses around the world that humans previously inhabited. The occult comes in with the stories we assign to these lost lands. For example, the myth of Atlantis comes from Plato’s Republic, where he paints it as an aggressive and hubristic naval power bent on self-destruction. However, the mythology around Atlantis clearly draws from the Minoan civilization, which actually did exist until it was destroyed in the Santorini volcanic eruption. This is not to say that every theory around lost lands has historical background. The Lost Continent of Lemuria was originally the brainchild of a perfectly normal 1864 zoologist named Phillip Schlater as an explanation for why there were lemur fossils in madagascar and india, but not in africa or the middle east. Madame Helena Blavatsky, the Kevin Bacon of occult history, saw the idea of a theoretical landmass in oceania and ran with it.

Now that we have our foundation, a quick note about our author. The Hermit of the Crystal Mountain, aka Solara, aka Nani Sheppard, has published a litany of other works, books with titles like “Invoking Your Celestial Guardians” and “Through the Doorway of the 11:11.” Though difficult to know for sure, her occultism appears sincere. One gets the sense that she really does believe that mankind is descended from a myriad of alien races. Many of Sheppard’s works seek to help others discover their “alien ancestry” and activate all the magical powers that come with that sort of thing. However, this text is quite different from her other work. It is not a magical self-help book or a grimoire of psychic crystal spells. The Legend of Altazar is adventure fiction, full-blown Lord of the Rings ass adventure fiction. So without further ado, let’s dive in.

“Once upon a time in the long lost ago known as the Golden Age, there lived a mighty king named Altazar. He was not simply an ordinary king, nor even a great king, but was a true monarch of the sort that the world has not seen since a distant age. For his very name, Altazar, meant High King, and that he was.”

Meet our protagonist, Altazar, the kinglyest king who ever kinged. He kings over the kingdom of Lemuria, the massive lost continent where oceania is now. And to quote the great and wise sage Jane Austen; “it is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.” However! “No woman was in possession of such grace, virtue and wisdom to be a worthy mate of the High King.” So the high priests of Lemuria sent a telepathic message to the Hight Priests of the Great Continent of Atlantis, asking for a suitable bride.

Thus we are introduced to the brotherhood of the Seven, the theological ruling body of Atlantis, who choose a suitably moral breeding sow for King Highking. The lucky lady is a priestess of the Temple of Creative Healing Wisdom, (ORALIN), Diandra. “Ah yes, it was she. Diandra of the long cascading blond hair, of the wide-set all-seeing blue eyes, Diandra with the finely chiselled cheekbones. Yes. it was Diandra-holder of the Seven Knots of Healing Wisdom.” Ah yes, all of the qualities that mark one of superior wisdom.

So Diandra goes through all the standard ritual fasting, purifications, and irradiations with different crystalline energies so she could pass the fountain whose Waters of Clarity she would drink no more and the section of the city that was forbidden to all but the Makers who possessed all nine Knots of Healing wisdom, on her way to the Tower of Truth so she could be teleported to Lemuria. However, before she can be teleported, the Elder of the Seven shares a telepathic vision of Altazar’s tragic end. This is an important Chekhov's Gun for the rest of the story. Something is going to cause Altazar to fall from grace, but we don’t know what.

“And thus did our fair Diandra leave Atlantis and go to the land of Altazar. And this I know for certain. Because in some form or another, I was there.” Yes. The author is a character in the text, and they speak directly to us at several occasions, often dropping in with little clarifications or comments.

So Diandra and Altazar meet and instantly fall madly in love at their first touch. Diandra was unable to resist the raw sexual and romantic power of his “white turban-like covering from which protruded iridescent peacock feathers.” They “form a union” which in this context I think is like getting married but with more crystals. Everything is perfect and happy and wonderful and ideal. But! Their love is short-lived, as Altazar is called to make a journey! “The Council of Tana wants me to go to the distant outpost island of Rapan-Nui to settle some distant energies.” Which absolutely seems like the sort of problem the King of Lemuria would have to deal with.

Meanwhile, Bog-Lor and Seplik --characters that we have never met-- astral project into the volcanic chamber that holds the Lemurian Mother Egg. When they touch the egg, it pops because Seplik’s astral hands were too rough and clumsy, thus dooming all of Lemuria. If that feels like it came out of nowhere, it's because it did. After breaking the egg, both immediately commit suicide by throwing themselves into the volcano. Now dear reader, you are probably wondering what the mother egg is. I am too. The mother egg is not an established part of the lore. Personally, I don’t mind the author leaving this vague. There’s an egg in a volcano that controls Lemuria. Sure. I can roll with that. It’s a neat little piece of worldbuilding, but one that is introduced and destroyed in the space of three pages.

Some unimportant stuff happens back on Lemuria, but Altazar makes it to the island of Rapan-Nui. (The lost-continent lore version of easter island.) “Altazar had been sent here to re-channel some corruption that had seeped into the temple hierarchy.” Which was really easy for him because he was such a cool chad king. Then he feels a disturbance in the aura of the sky and realizes that Lemuria has been destroyed by volcanos and everyone he loves is dead. He weeps cool manly chad tears where nobody can see him.

Now, we meet our second protagonist. Solana, a young priest of Rapan-Nui who consoles Altazar. The two drink from a bottle of perfume together. Apparently “flower essences” are the Lemurian equivalent of alcohol. Now drunk off his ass on flower juice, Altazar goes to see the Lemurian government. They tell him “When Lemuria was ripped out from the magnetic grid, it tore a hole in your auric shield as well. Only the crystal therapy of re-structuralization can heal you completely. It will be a long, arduous journey. We no longer have the means to teleport you. All of that was destroyed with the submerging of the main land mass.”  and send Solana to accompany Atazar to Atlantis for proper spiritual healing.

The pair take a reed boat from Rapan-Nui to the outskirts of the kingdom of AN. In real-life terms, that means they sailed from Easter Island to the coast of Chile, a journey of more than 3,600 kilometers. One Althazar realizes they have landed in AN, we are treated to this choice line: “Sol-AN-a, you my friend, are one of those bound secretly in service to the ancient God AN, are you not?” “Yes, Altazar, that is true. But to be here near the Kingdom of An is beyond my wildest dreams. I knew not if AN ever existed on the physical plane.” It is unclear why this is such a secret, as this is the last any character ever speaks of it.

As the travellers explore the outskirts of AN, they come across a beast that appears to be shaggy half-camel and half-deer trapped in a net of magical moon energy. Upon attempting to inspect the creature, they become trapped in the moon energy net and fall into a magic sleep. They awake in the temple complex of TI-WA-KU to its high priestess who identifies herself as Mu’Ra. She is described as large, strong, and uncannily beautiful. She  is described with thick dark hair that she wears in a braid, an oval face, defined cheekbones, almond eyes, and as carrying an obsidian dagger. Given that the temple of TI-WA-KU is implied to be in the Andes, I think that it is safe to say that Mu’Ra is coded as an indigenous Andean woman. Up to this point, every character is described as either overtly white, or with a vague neutrality. With the exception of Altazar’s peacock turban, Mu’Ra is the only character so far who is coded as a member of an existing ethnic group. This will be important later.

For now, Mu’Ra apologizes for snaring the travellers in her game trap, and offers them food and shelter. Altazar and Solana do not trust her, sensing that she is some highly-evolved galactic creature, but Althazar finds the temple quite strange and beautiful, and pays Mu’Ra proper respect as they tour the temple complex. Solana knows the pair needs to move on, but fears that it will not be easy.

Scene shift back to Atlantis, and back in time just a bit before the explosion of Lemuria. We are introduced to a cadre of Atlantean scientists: Dr. Z, head engineer for the global magnetic grid. His daughter Namuani, who creates music at the Temple of Sound ENORA, which “contained the capability to align the chakras, to heal the etheric, astral, and physical bodies, or to initiate into the Mysteries.” We are introduced to her teacher, Master Vanel, regarded as a sort of archmage mozart at the Temple of Sound ENORA. Next is Namuani’s husband Davodd, a “wild genius, darkly handsome and unpredictable” and member of the Atlantean priest/scientist class The Makers. Davodd is also sister to Diandra.

Davodd is worried about his sister, and he has a plan. There are references to the time he “broke into the Crystal Hall of Records” implying that he has done this sort of thing before. His goal is to save Diandra from the collapse of Lemuria. He breaks into the Atlantean crystal teleporter ziggurat, and attempts to operate the machine himself to beam Diandra back to Atlantis. I am going to quote this entire paragraph, because it is an excellent example of both how the writing flows, and unintentional comedy.

“He placed his crystal into the ACTIVATE 1 slot. Lights flashed, causing the symbols upon the rock to rapidly change colors. Next the crystal was moved to the ACTIVATE 2 position. This caused the center pyramid to glow a deep ruby red. Davodd felt his body begin to shake uncontrollably.

“Please, please, let me do this correctly,” he pleaded. His trembling hand moved the crystal into ACTIVATE 3.

At once all the lights in the room were extinguished. Nothing could be seen except for the dimly flickering symbols on the stone in front of him and the deep redness of the pyramid. Even the hum had ceased.

Oh, no, I’ve done something wrong! I’ve ruined it. I’ve probably killed her. No, no!””

Other than actually turning the machine on and activating the vacuum chamber, this is the entirety of Davodd’s interaction with the teleporter. He turns it on, presses three buttons, and accidentally kills Diandra by squeezing her aura through a higher-dimensional silly straw.

Or, he almost kills Diandra. He successfully teleports her, saving her from the collapse of Lemuria, but his poor operation of the teleporter had an effect that I can only describe as an auric lobotomy.rShe loses her memories, regresses to a childlike state, and enters a sort of intermittent stupor. Having seen the teleporter activated without permission, the Atlantean authorities size Davodd and drag him away as he sobs for his sisters life.

I would like to hand The Legend of Althazar their first “Credit Where Credit Is Due Award.” Despite the silly inciting incident, I unironically love this scene. I unironically love the idea that an improperly calibrated crystal teleporter does mortal damage to the aura, and I love how the author shows us the real effects of that damage. The writing is well-paced and delivered with genuine gravitas. It’s an excellent example of show-don’t-tell worldbuilding grounded to an important plot point. In one fell swoop, we add an interesting twist to Diandra’s fate, and learn some fascinating details about how the world works. There is palpable imagination and skill on display here, and I applaud it.

Diandra is on the verge of death, but the Atlantean healers are able to stabilize her with The Crystal Surgery, an intensive and risky process described as the pinnacle of psychic healing techniques. This takes an entire chapter. The lightning-flash of good writing has passed, and we return to clunky descriptions of Diandra's twitching body being slathered with a series of colorful pastes. There are crystals involved.

Back to TI-WA-KU. It is implied that time flows unnaturally at TI-WA-KU, and the pair do not know how long they have spent at the temple. Additionally, Altazar and Mu’Ra have been hanging out more, specifically so Mu’Ra can show Altazar some sweet magic rituals. Solana explains to Altazar that they should leave. Altazar agrees, but when the pair attempts to leave, they find that the sweet magic rituals Mu’Ra has been showing Althazar were actually methods of magical binding that allow Mu’Ra a degree of mental and physical control over Altazar. He is unable to leave, and laments his foolishness.

This next section is going to get ugly. The language here is extremely sexual. At one point, Mu’Ra mind-controls physical touch from Altazar by saying “Now kiss me and stroke me in front of your friend” and other, more graphic things that I am not going to repeat here. I am not going to go into specifics, but there is no way around it: This is rape.

Now, can a story contain sexual violence in an narratively effective and non-gratuitous way? Of course it can. Does this story do that? I don’t believe so. In my opinion, Altazars assault is needlessly graphic. This is also where Mu’Ra’s indigenous Andean coding comes back into play. Now, the author of this book is from the United States. I am unsure if she has any experience interacting with actual indigenous Andean people. However, in my opinion the author's depiction of Mu’Ra as a violent, lascivious, power-hungry sorceress falls into some vile stereotypes of black and indigenous women common to the United States. If that were not bad enough, we now learn that the “prophesied fall of Altazar” explicitly refers to his assault.

This section demonstrates a fundamental vulnerability of this genre of occult writing. Portraying a fantastical ancient past as mythology can be a wonderful artistic exercise and a foundation for beautiful art. However mythology, especially occult mythology, does not exist in a vacuum.  It is a collaborative effort of storytelling and culture-building. Unlike pure fiction, occult mythology is permeable. Anything can be accepted into a “canon” if it is shared enough, and removing something from that canon is a difficult process. Texts like this, bushels of largely harmless imaginative woo, do not take much to be spoiled by the rotten apples of bigotry.

The worst is, thankfully, over. Mu’Ra commands Altazar to attack Solana with a knife. Solana escapes by blowing a conch horn he found on the ground earlier, which teleports him away. If that feels out of nowhere, it's because it was. The conch horn was apparently an artifact of the lost kingdom of AN. Or, hidden kingdom of AN, as Solana is teleported to the kingdoms secret sanctum. Where they meet AN’s ruling priest class, who “Seemed to be Perfect Love and Purest Wisdom manifest.” The people of AN welcome Solana home in a tearful reunion. There is a rambling lore dump about how Mu’Ra can't leave TI-WA-KU on account of being poisioned by the earth's magnetic grid. This section also name-drops the Akhashic Record, which I am not going to explain as this review is long enough already. Mother-Moon and Father-Sun say they have been watching Solana’s journey, and give Solana a task. They must meet with The Hermit of the Crystal Mountain.

So he takes a days hike to the crystal mountain and finds a little stone cottage nestled among the flourishing plant life. He rings the bell, and is greeted with Soluna, the Hermits assistant and apprentice. Curiously, Soluna is described as looking extremely similar to Solana. When Solana brings this up, Soluna explains: “We are twins. We come from the same star seed.” as she brings Solana to the Hermit. The hermit talks for a long time, but allow me to paraphrase. She explains: “Altazar is doomed. You cannot save him. But like a phoenix, he shall rise again. Also, isn’t it weird how you and Soluna look the same? Y’all are Twin Souls. Soluna has to stay here with me, but y’all should hang out for a few days. Anyway, I’m gonna go back for another thousand years of ritual silence. Later.”

Soluna takes her twin Solana back to her cottage, makes the two of them food, and --I cannot stress this enough-- the two of them have sex.

I cannot really articulate how bizarre this section is. At this point, Solana and Soluna have exchanged fewer than 200 words with each other. They have spent fewer than 24 hours together.  There is some rambling woo from Soluna about separate souls and joining consciousnesses, but the language is extremely erotically charged. Just for example: “Solana let this penetrate into his inner knowing.” and “Soluna, woman of my heart and soul,” he whispered huskily, “come to me that you may wait no more.”” To be perfectly fair, the author never actually says the word sex, but “they drank deeply of each other until they knew no more thirst.” is pretty on the goddamn nose. I think what the author is trying to do is imply that Solana and Soluna are actually the same soul in two different  bodies, which makes their relationship masturbatory rather than incestuous. Yet, the pair are repeatedly referred to, even after this scene, as twins, brother and sister. I struggle to explain just how strange this chapter is. While the scene with Mu’Ra and Altazar made me genuinely uncomfortable, it at least felt like something the plot was leading to. The scene between Solana and Soluna feels like a hallucination. The change in tone here is absurd, nonsensical. It made me question if this book was an elaborate prank.  I am at a loss for words.

Several chapters of unimportant bullshit happen. Solana is secretly teleported to Atlantis to assist Dr. Z and company with the impending doom. They tour Solana --who had sex with his sister-- through the streets of Atlantis to bear witness to the scourge of degeneracy and spiritual decay that herald the nations demise. “A group of naked men and women carousing on the grass. One man appeared to be pouring the contents of a pitcher of liquid over a woman who lay writhing and moaning on the ground. Bizarre beings of half-human and half-animal forms coupled with some of them. Solana felt a sickness arise in the pit of his stomach.” Having sex with your sister is one hell of a glass house to live in, but by all means Solana, feel free to cast that first stone. The group rescues Diandra, who comes back a bit at the mention of Altazars name, and makes preparations for the evacuation of Atalantis. “Technology rules the spirit” explains Dr. Z. Only a scant few heeded the alarm, as they were being bisexual and looking at their smartphones or whatever. Solana watches from the evacuation boats as Atlantis explodes from the negative resonances or whatever.

At this point, the book is exhausting. The interesting worldbuilding is drowned under a tide of hamfisted moralism. The post-script features equally ham-fisted calls to spiritual action, full of cries like “humans! Do not forget your golden wings!” referring to the supposed psychic alien ancestors of humanity. Atazar gets Bergentrückung’d: placed in astral suspended animation where his mind explores the cosmos. But one day, the Hermit says, he shall return when the world needs him most. Its just like King Arthur, or Jesus, but with more crystals and incest.