having a SMALL breakdown

Hey all — I've just made the decision to postpone the video I was trying to create for tomorrow (Fresh Cut Grass cosplay) after realizing that I won't be able to get it done in time for a Wednesday release, and can't postpone it without it crashing into the other oncoming deadlines.

That's the only real information in this post. Feel free to stop here if you aren't interested in a rant 😅

Currently feeling a bit like I'm drowning: Behind on Patreon rewards (again), about to miss the second upload day in a row this month (that's HALF of May skipped), running late on a project for a sponsor that I've already postponed, and most likely going to also end up in crunch mode for next week's video judging by what my schedule looks like. All of this is peppered with meetings, appointments, and the constant, looming knowledge that there are emails and social media and ongoing, long-term projects that I'm inevitably ignoring while I scramble to complete anything with an urgent deadline.

I know you guys are the most forgiving of me (more forgiving than I am of myself, often) and you'll encourage me to rest and take breaks and do whatever I need to do to not burn out, but this job is just a nonstop fucking treadmill and any time I take a break, it bites me later when I have to catch up on what I missed.

I can't help but feel frustrated and angry at myself that I've been doing this for this long and still can't seem to have a normal schedule. At this point, I have literally cut out... nearly everything else in my life. I have an incredibly small social circle and pretty much no hobbies. And yet, I still feel like I never have enough time. All I can think of is that I have to cut something out of my work, but I can't imagine what, because it already feels like I'm saying no to everything. I have an assistant and an agent and a bookkeeper and an accountant and I'm outsourcing as much as I can, but scaling is extremely difficult and it takes time to find trusted collaborators, and picking the wrong ones can make everything harder instead of easier.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I'll probably feel less like giving up in the morning. Thank you all for being here, and I'm sorry that I promise you things that I can't seem to consistently deliver.