✨ 🍵 Spilling Tea 🍵 ✨ [Why Romantic Love is Often Disappointing] [Monthly Newsletter] [March 2021]

Today's topic: Why Romantic Love is Often Disappointing [In My Opinion]

So, in my humble opinion, love is a lot more complicated than we’re led to believe.

Love has many different forms, states, and expressions. It is not simply unconditional acceptance or support or adoration. Love, at its core, is a choice. An emotional, heavy choice. And, in my opinion, that’s partly why love, specifically romantic love, is often a little disappointing.

So, love is a choice. Choices are all about making decisions, taking risks, and gambling on a good outcome. However, the choices we make are not guaranteed, especially when it comes to the people we chose to share our lives with.

So, couldn’t this be said for any type of love? Parental, familial, friendships? Well, yes, those too, come with their own risks, vulnerabilities, and potential for disappointment. However, I believe romantic love is set apart from the others in a very specific way. Romantic love is the most conditional form of love. This is not a criticism, but rather just my own personal observation. Romantic love is dependent on more factors, compromises, and conditions than any other type of love. And therefore, perhaps, is the most fragile of all the loves.

Do you need to be attracted to your friend for them to be your friend? Does your parent need to want the same things as you? Does your sister have to be faithful to her partner in order for you to love her? Probably, not. If healthy, parental, familial, and friendship relationships are far less dependent on outside factors.

The most unconditional love usual comes from parents, I should preface this by saying, from good parents. Good parents don’t care how attractive you are, what you earn, or how you live your life, so long as you are alive and contented. This, in my opinion, is simply not as possible with romantic love. The conditions for each romantic relationship will be different: some people value monogamy, others not so much, some treasure physical attraction, whilst others not so much. The conditions are not one size fits all, but the conditions are still in place. Simply put, the basis of most romantic relationships is: “treat me in this certain way and we’ll stay together”.

Comparatively to the other loves, this can leave a lot to be desired. Chances are, even if you screw up big time, your parents will still stand by you. Chances are, even if it turns out you’re a cheat or a liar or even a criminal, your family will still stand by you. Chances are, if you let your partner down, in a real, impactful way, they may not stay with you. And in all honesty, I think it makes perfect sense.

Partners play a very distinct role in our lives. Partners are, in an ideal sense, our counterpart. Our equal, our number two, our first and most immediate ally. They are the person who joins us in our goals, wants, and journeys. They are, in the most pragmatic sense, the other half of our team. So, what happens, if the other half of our team seriously lets us down? Well, usually, we consider whether or not they’re the right person to be on our team at all. We evaluate their place in our lives, in our journeys, in our finite time on earth. We calculate what they bring to the table, we examine them as an overall product. And, if they come up short, we often cut them off and start again. Ultimately, we find someone more suitable. Ultimately, we are all romantically conditional.

However, even with all that being said, I still believe romantic relationships are worth said conditions. Let’s face it: people, even with the very best of intentions, are not “The Ideal”. We make mistakes, we fumble, we cave, we let ourselves and each other down. I think part of growing up is accepting that no one can live up to the idea of our “perfect other half”. This is not to say that we should accept abusive or cruel behaviour, but rather, we should empathise that everyone, even the best of us, cannot be “The Ideal”. We are a choice, we have benefits, we have cons, and we most certainly come with risks. And perhaps that’s why we’re best looked at as an overall product, an overall choice.

In conclusion, romantic love is not self-sustainable. It cannot be achieved then left unattended. It is not easy or unconditional, but it is, very much, achievable. So, if we want to make the most of romance, maybe we should tend to our relationships as if they were gardens: work the land, whether the storms, and treasure the harvests we make happen.

As always, I really appreciate that life isn't one size fits all. These are just my thoughts, I hope they can be of some use to you.

Best wishes,

Tea