Prince Aetrian

Literally the best story I've ever read, I would love to play this in a visual novel

Jhon

That's cool to hear, I just wanna help you improve, but if you don't want to take on what I have to say then that's alright! (also sorry for the LONG wait, had stuff get in the way before I could post this) So there are two main things I personally see that can be improved and that's: the story structure, and the characterisation. When reading the story I felt that a lot of what was being shown and told to us as the audience was repetitive and unnecessary, making it feel like a drag to read. Like when when we see Aetrian mark the ground with a spell and told 'yes this is a warning spell', and then we cut back to Jarrod during his monologue only to be is told again that Aetrian made a spell happen. It'd flow a lot better if we were just with Jarrod as he explored his feelings, and then when Aetrian pops back we're in Jarrod's frame of mind in that we don't know what he did and thus the explanation is warranted and we as the audience aren't being fed the same piece of info. Again and again it just feels like with a bit more focus on one character or if we're not just straight up told what's happening, the story would be more engaging. It'd be best to stick with a definite perspective, instead of this part 3rd person limited, part 3rd person omniscient. This story is severely lacking in a lot of "show" and too much "tell", I think the story would have a lot more impact if we could be shown how the characters feel and react to their situation. Like we don't actually have descriptions of their facial expressions or how their bodies react to so much tension, I didn't even know Jorrad was walking bare-foot on their way to the town, how would that have felt for him to be shoe less as the day and night wore on? It feels like the characters are floating from one place to another sometimes. That's not to say "SHOW US EVERY LITTLE DETAIL EVERY SINGLE PARAGRAPH", but when there should be a change in how they would be feeling from the norm, then illustrating that would be more effective. I will say I saw a lot of potential when we see Aetrian casting the dousing spell, it'd be so cool if we could get more detail in how that would've felt. Like if his mind rippled away from his body for just a moment, expanding as it brushes against every blade of grass until, an instant, his focus snapped to a single direction, the gurgling of water flooding his ears as the magic finishes. Just experiencing the magic of the world would be interesting. But that's not what the story's about so it's completely fine if that's not the direction you want to go, but that brings me to the other point, in characterisation. When reading this, I felt like Jarrod was two different characters trapped in the same body. We have the defiant, quick-witted guy who knows how to push Aetrian's buttons as well as have his own opinion, this guy is who we meet at the start. But then we also have the completely subordinate slave, who's subservient to his master's status and only feels his inadequacy highlighted when in his presence. These two characters clash so hard for me because one cannot exist with the other in terms of personality traits, what's the point in having someone who will disobey his prince in one scene, but then throw himself under the bus in terms of worth in another? It feels inconsistent, especially when the character's don't recognise this either. I understand that it's intentional to have Jarrod be this kind of person, but it doesn't feel natural to me, having this stark difference in his character. It's also glaringly apparent when a character is being used for exposition, because the situation doesn't feel like it warrants such things. If both character's know certain elements of their world and situation, then it feels very unnatural to hear them say out loud, like "You know, I'm not exactly the biggest stickler for following the rules". Aetrian's already shown this through his actions, and surely Jarrod already knows this, so it feels weird when this happens. I have a lot to say, but just to keep this as short as I can, I will say that I can see a very cool, interesting story here with an awesome world to explore, but these criticisms kept nagging at me as I read it and so I couldn't truly immerse myself into it. But I know you have the skills to improve upon it, and I can't wait to see what else you come up with next!

Adam Even

You're such a good writer! I hope we get to see some more of these two in the future.

Nox

Gotcha. Thanks for the reply. Harold's route is a close second favorite for me. That picture of their first kiss? MAGICAL. One of the best of all routes. It's too bad his route has to end, but I'm looking forward to seeing what else you'll do!

Cole McReid's Disciple

Thank you! I can understand that crushing feeling... I used to feel it all the time after getting home from my job at GameStop ><

DyneWulf

It's so hard bringing some of these stories to an end, and there's soooo much more they could do!

DyneWulf

I haven't added RIchard to the list juuuust yet, because I want to make sure Harold's route is 100% completed. This entails all the art being done and haven't the proper poses/clothing throughout.

DyneWulf

Oooh? Any characters in particular?

DyneWulf

AAhhh, thank you! That kind of stuff makes me want to write more x3

DyneWulf

I've only just glanced at it, but as a fellow writer and someone who wrote his own stories for many years (alas, IRL fairly crushes the motivation right out of me, these days), I wholeheartedly approve of sharing this, and I know how much time and work goes into writing!

Arthur Charles

It left me wanting more!! It feels like it shounldnt have been a short story ! I really hope to hear more of this tale!! I want to know so bad what happens next!

Sebastian Serigne

About to sit down and read through this, but before I do, I have a question. Extracurricular Activities is AMAZING, and I can't imagine the work that has gone in to making it what it is. Some time ago, I saw an update schedule showing which route would be updated on which date, and I noticed that Richard's route wasn't mentioned. Since you're so busy with a lot of things at the moment, I was wondering if Richard's route has been put on the back burner for now...? Dozer will forever be my all-time favorite, but I'm excited to see what Richard's route might bring... Keep up the great work, Dyne! Can't wait to see what 2020 will bring!

Cole McReid's Disciple

The story was great for a one-shot. If you were to make it a full book I would like some characters and events more elaborated on but otherwise, it was a great read. 9/10

Damion Andrew

I agree with PolarPanda, I would absolutely pay for a full book based off of this story! The characters are so well written, excellent work!

Rookieblue

Well thank you! I'm glad to hear it ;3 It's even better to hear that it does some inspiring. These characters will make an appearance again sometime soon, so...

DyneWulf

Of course! It was part of my daily writing practice, so critiques are welcome. I might not LIKE it, but I think it's always something I should hear, hahaha.

DyneWulf

Hmmm, I know this story was made over a year ago, but would you be open to hearing some critiques I have with it?

Adam Even

I loved it! I'd actually wouldn't mind to read a full book about these main characters and then some! I was engrossed by the world alone in the story. And even the side characters were interesting! I already have a few ideas of what could happen next in the near and far future for this story. You've really inspired a fella!

ReddPanda

Thanks a bunch! World-building is so much fun to do, and it always makes me want to use the characters moooore.

DyneWulf

This was a really great fantasy/love story Dyne. I loved the world building elements throughout the story that give hope for the characters continued story.