re: Heartbreak Postscript.

RE: Heartbreak postscript.

This is all I could find. No video, just transcripts, and I suspect they are manipulated. Especially the Charge one. If you read it carefully, you can see how jarring and disjointed it is, as if several parts had been cut away and the rest spliced together. Also note that I have not been able to find the full session notes leading up to this anywhere.

If I had to hazard a guess, I suspect these were put together to show to someone higher up in the chain to give the all clear to return to business as usual. If there was further context, I haven't been able to dig it up. But I'll keep trying.

And no, you don't need to pay me for this. I'd rather not have a money trail leading right to my doorstep. I want answers, same as you. I think you're right, Heartbreak is just the top of an iceberg and the Rangers were at the heart of it.

Take care, and don't go public with this without talking to me first, okay? You saw what happened to Browne, and you don't have the kind of protection he does. 

/*.

---

Sentinel: Debriefing, final session. 

Interviewer: Clarice Holmes, team therapist.

S- Why do I have to go through this? I wasn't even present.

CH- I know. How does that make you feel?

S- What do you think? My teammates died because of me. People I liked. My friends.

CH- Do you feel like you could have saved them?

S- I... don't get into this with me. Not now. We've talked enough about my "savior complex". This is abut real people. Real deaths. Maybe I couldn't have saved Anathema, but I might have been able to save Sidestep, not to mention the other people who jumped first.

CH- And if you had been there and not in Vancouver... do you think you would have been affected?

S- I could have stayed at range. I don't need to be close to manipulate winds. Maybe it wouldn't have been a comfortable landing, but they would have lived.

CH- It sounds like you have thought this through.

S- It's the only thing that keeps running through my head at night. What I could have done. How I could have fixed this.

CH- Do you think that's healthy?

S- No. But I can't stop. I have these powers, and I can't...

CH- It's okay. Take your time.

S- How long do you have? If I start cracking now, it's gonna take a while.

CH- As long as we need to. You know that. I'm here for you.

S- Thank you. It's just...

CH- Marshal Hood all over again?

S- Yes. What good am I if I can't even keep my friends safe?

CH- You've most likely saved more lives than any other Ranger out there.

S- Not the ones that mattered.

CH- They matter to me. My grandmother live in Weaverville. She wouldn't be alive if you hadn't turned that fire.

S- I didn't know.

CH- You couldn't. And that's the thing. There are thousands and thousands of people here on the coast going around living our lives because you were there to help. Us or our friends or our relatives. And you might not see it, but I know there are people praying for you every night. Because you do what you do. Because you are who you are.

S- It's hard to forget the ones you fail.

CH- I know.

S- I bet.

CH- Have you thought more about what we talked about last time? 

S- Retiring? I don't think this is the right time. The team is in shambles. Charge...

CH- Yeah. Do you think you will be offered command if things don't change?

S- I already turned it down once. The reasons haven't changed.

CH- Even if the circumstances have?

S- I could do so much more outside the Ranger system. I'm not in this to fight villains. Not anymore. 

CH- Really? What changed?

S- The world? When we started out here in the west, it was warlords, chaos and criminals. Now there's politicians and companies, and sure, everything's not perfect but there's a distinct lack of would-be warlords who need a kick in the mouth. Void was the last. Besides, my powers are better fighting natural disasters. Not many people that can do that, why would I waste it on bank robbers?

CH- Or whatever Heartbreak was?

S- Yes. I know what you're trying to make me say, but it doesn't change anything. I know I'll always regret not being there, but I'm not blind. For all I keep saying I could have handled it, can I be sure? What range would be too close? What if I had been dragged under it's influence? We don't know for sure if it was gas, wind might not have been enough to keep me clear. And if I had lost it... more people could have died than already did. Losing control...

CH- Dreamweaver still haunts you, then?

S- Of course. And I never got to repay Sidestep for getting me out from under her influence. I'm too powerful, if I were to go bad...

CH- We can take a moment if you want to collect yourself.

S- No. Let's get through this. I don't think I'd want to talk about Heartbreak again if I can help it. You can't tell me anything I don't already know.

CH- Sometimes talking to someone about a traumatic experience helps. Even if they don't tell you anything new.

S- I know. And I am talking about my other issues. Those sessions won't end, right?

CH- Of course not. This is just procedure, you know that.

S- Are you going to give me a clean bill of mental health?

CH- You know I can't tell you that. But what do you think?

S- I think so. 

CH- What makes you say that?

S- Because while you might want to recommend a leave of absence, you know they wouldn't listen to you. Right now the Rangers need me. And yes, savior complex. I know. Even if Ashfall agrees to join, we'll still be dangerously understrength, and like it or not, I'm the heavy hitter.

CH- If I thought you needed more time I'd tell them that. You know I want what's best for you, the Rangers will survive. New recruits will be brought in.

S- And once they do, I'll think about stepping down.

CH- I can't say that I'm surprised.

S- We had a similar talk after the Nanosurge, didn't we?

CH- You were there though. You helped. If you hadn't channeled the Santa Ana winds, the nanovores would have advanced on the city much faster. You gave everyone else time to try to get people out of the way. To figure out a permanent solution.

S- And people still died. Friends. Heroes. Sometimes I feel old. There's not many of us left that went through the disaster. I really mean it this time, I want a shot at a normal life. Once things have settled down.

CH- But until then?

S- I'll do my job.

------

Captain Steel: Debriefing, final session. 

Interviewer: Clarice Holmes, team therapist.

CH- How are you feeling?

CS- What to you think?

CH- I am here if you want to talk. You know that. And if you don't feel you're ready, I will come back again next week. I do understand that what you went through was deeply traumatic, and I don't think is something that can be fixed quickly, but it's not healthy to bottle things up.

CS- Fine. I feel terrible. Like yesterday. Like the week before. Like the week before that. But I'm moving forward.

CH- I hear that the operation went fine. Do you have a date when they can connect your new legs?

CS- No. It depends how fast the connection ports heal. They don't want to do it too soon.

CH- I sense the implication that you might have asked them to hurry up?

CS- I can't stay in bed with things falling apart around me. I need to do something.

CH- You will be able to leave the hospital as soon as you're cleared physically and mentally. But I think you will have to ready yourself for some months in the wheelchair. If you're lucky, and don't push yourself.

CS- So you're a surgeon now. Good for you.

CH- I'm not. But I have done a lot of therapy with people who have lost limbs. And suffered greater losses. I know how that can weigh on you.

CS- Have you?

CH- Lost someone? My father, when I was young. He served in the army.

CS- My condolences.

CH- Talking about the people you lost helps. Survivor's guilt can eat you alive.

CS- I know. I was in the army for years. It's not the first time I've lost a friend.

CH- And how does that make you feel?

CS- Empty. Terrible for living through it. Again. But I don't think we made the wrong call going in. If we hadn't, more people would have died.

CH- You sound certain of that.

CS- I am. What security clearing do you have?

CH- Verdant. You know I wouldn't be here if I wasn't cleared to hear what you have to say.

CS- And keep your mouth shut about it?

CH- That goes without saying. What passes between you and me won't reach further than our superiors. And it won't affect the cover story.

CS- A terrorist attack. Hallucinatory gas. Did they reveal it was me who called in the airstrike?

CH- You're a hero. All the Rangers are. Sacrificing your life to stop a threat to the city.

CS- Again. Why go with the gas story?

CH- Quite frankly, neither of us are cleared for that knowledge. If I should be truly unprofessional and speculate, perhaps because it would be easier to understand for the public. After Dreamweaver, there is precedent.

CS- I've never encountered anything like it. My unit were trained in psychic defense, but I doubt that anything could have helped. Even the dampeners overheated.

CH- I didn't know they could do that.

CS- Me neither. I suspect there's a lot we don't know about what happened. And now we'll never learn.

CH- They are dead then? Heartbreak?

CS- Yes, during the bombing. I felt... it pop. Something. Like breaking the surface after a deep dive. Being able to breathe.

CH- I assume you have been debriefed about that in detail?

CS- I have. As soon as I regained consciousness. 

CH- Do you want to talk about it?

CS- I can't. Classified.

CH- I understand. You are one of the few that survived who was in direct contact. I think you should be proud of that. 

CS- I wouldn't if it hadn't been for Charge.

CH- How does that make you feel?

CS- Grateful. Disappointed. I should have held up better. You know the drill, the things you keep telling yourself to do better next time.

CH- Do you think there will be a next time?

Not like this I hope. But I'm not about to lie down and die. Or retire. You heal. Scar over. Then get back to your feet and move on.

CH- Just like that?

CS- Of course it's not easy. But if I keep telling myself this is how it will be, I'll get there eventually.

CH- Normally I would question whether you're lying to yourself, but with your record.

CS- Yeah. Done it before. Will do it again. As long as I'm given space to do my thing.

CH- I've got instructions that you will be provided the best possible care. Physical and mental.

CS- Good. But between you and me, I'm not the one you need to focus on. 

CH- Marshal Charge.

CS- Yes. I'll deal. Not so sure that goes for the Marshal.

CH- You went through a traumatic experience together after Marshal Hood's death. Do you think this is different? 

CS- Yes. This time there's nobody to hunt down. Nobody to punish. Just a tragedy you need to live through.

CH- Two teammates dead.

CS- Sidestep was an associate, not a member of the team.

CH- I stand corrected.

CS- I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped. The pain is making me irritable. 

CH- Of course. I'll alert the nurse to increase the dose once we're done here.

CS- Thank you. Do you know if Sidestep will be buried with full Ranger honors? 

CH- I'm sorry, I'm not involved with that side. But I suspect there will be a joint ceremony soon.

CS- Ah, so the bodies have been cleared then? 

CH- I'm not sure. 

CS- Considering we both know that the toxin story is a cover...

CH- I really have no involvement with that. My concern is for the living.

CS- Of course. Excuse me, you're just the first person I've spoken to with a higher security clearance since the initial debriefing. And I was... raw then. Didn't know what questions to ask.

CH- If you want to, I could try to arrange a meeting with someone who knows more?

CS- I would be grateful. It's easier to move on if all the lingering questions have been put to rest.

CH- I understand completely. But I do think that my questions are answered. It sounds like you are already getting back to work.

CS- Like I said, this is how I deal with things. I'm glad you're indulging me.

CH- I don't think burying yourself in work is necessarily healthy, but I don't think you're a danger to yourself or others. But please, I know we talked about further therapy and you were hesitant, I...

CS- I will use that offer if I need it.

CH- I will have to settle for that.

CS- You might be glad to know that I have been considering your advice, though. Once I get through the rehabilitate process I might consider getting a dog. Maybe.

CH- I'm glad. Having someone around to talk to and care for can be a wonderful tool to manage mental health.

CS- I make no promises.

CH- Of course. And if we don't see each other again, good luck.

----

Marshal Charge: Debriefing, final session. 

Interviewer: Clarice Holmes, team therapist.

MC- Fuck you.

CH- We've been through this once already. It's my job.

MC- Write what the fuck you want then and I'll sign it.

CH- That's not how this works.

MC- Fire me then, you think I care at this point?

CH- I don't have the authority to fire you. And I am not the one you're really angry at.

MC- But you're here. They're not.

CH- Who are they?

MC- Yeah, good luck. I don't want to get you killed. Sentinel likes you.

CH- Would you like to elaborate on that?

MC- Sure. The patient is suffering paranoid delusions that they hold some secret knowledge that could get their therapist killed if revealed, thus making impossible to challenge their delusions. That's enough buzzwords for you?

CH- Are you... drunk?

MC- You know I am. Have been since...

CH- Since?

MC- Fuck off. I'm not talking about it.

CH- You talked to the people that debriefed you afterwards. Why wouldn't you talk to someone who's sole purpose here is helping you deal with your grief?

MC- Because I don't trust you.

CH- I've been this team's therapist for years. We talked at length after the Nanosurge.

MC- Things have changed since then.

CH- How?

MC- ...

CH- I know Anathema's and Sidestep's death was a hard blow to everyone. You were close. It's natural to grieve.

MC- Natural? You think anything about me is natural at this point? Look! Fuck. You need to imagine the lightning with the fingerwaggles, the fuckers won't plug me in yet. Thinks I'm a danger.

CH- Are you?

MC- You tell me? Aren't you here to make sure the Marshal is fit for active duty?

CH- I'm here to make sure you stay alive.

MC- Is that what they think? That I'll kill myself?

CH- You drove against traffic on the highway. Drunk. You could have killed someone. Killed yourself.

MC- Haven't you got the memo? That's what I DO.

CH- You don't have to shout. I'm not the one you're angry at.

MC- You're working on getting there.

CH- I'm working on getting you to open up.

MC- And you're supposed to be ready for what comes out.

CH- I am. That's my job.

MC- And my job is getting sure who's responsible for this gets taken down.

CH- Marshal... the person responsible for this is already dead. I know it's hard to accept, but it is time to move on.

MC- The person...

CH- What's so funny?

MC- The person responsible. Are you talking about Heartbreak?

CH- I do have security clearance enough to know the truth about what happened. I wouldn't be here talking to you otherwise.

MC- Not sure if you're naive or willfully stupid.

CH- Does it feel better insulting me?

MC- You know what? Yes. Yes it does.

CH- I know it was some sort of mental attack. I also know Heartbreak died in the bombing.

MC- Chen? He told you?

CH- I can't verify where I get my information from.

MC- Of course you can't. I bet you can't get me a drink either.

CH- Don't you think you've had enough?

MC- What? This? You want me to walk and turn, officer? Maybe stand on one leg? One hand?

CH- Please, Marshal, you don't need to...

MC- See? No problem. Fit for fight.

CH- Is that important to you?

MC- What? 

CH- To be fit for fight? Do you want to go back to active duty?

MC- Why the hell else are we sitting here?

CH- Because I'm trying to help. Because I'm trying to understand.

MC- So do I.

CH- Then help me help you.

MC- Then write me a clean bill of health.

CH- I can't do that unless I think I'm right.

MC- Bullshit. I know how you fuckers pushed Sunstream. Laid on the guilt and responsibilities. How she was serving her nation.

CH- As are you.

MC- Oh please. I thought you were smarter than that.

CH- Did you hear those words often growing up?

MC- This is not about my father.

CH- What makes you say that?

MC- Because people are dead. People I were closer to than any of you fuckers. This isn't about my issues with authority, this is about...

CH- About what?

MC- You've got a point. Maybe I am overreacting. I do that on the best of days, and this isn't one of them.

CH- Getting things out is healthy. Talking about your grief is necessary.

MC- Only if you want to accept it.

CH- And you don't?

MC- I don't want it to be real, don't you get that? I don't want to wake up screaming thinking it was a nightmare and realize it was worse than that. That it's my life now. I don't want to remember seeing...

CH- Here. Have a napkin.

MC- You don't get it. And I'm not interested in explaining. 

CH- Watching someone you care about kill themselves is something that will stay with you for the rest of your life. But it will get better.

MC- Maybe I don't want it to. Get better.

CH- Would they thank you for wallowing in your grief like this?

MC- Low blow.

CH- What do you imagine they'd tell you?

MC- Probably to get my sorry ass off the couch and get to work.

CH- And how do you feel about that?

MC- Like screaming out loud.

CH- Would that help?

MC- It didn't. I tried. Why do you think I sound like shit? It's not just the drink.

CH- I'm going to tell you something I shouldn't, because I think you need to hear it.

MC- That I'm being melodramatic?

CH- No. You're grieving. But I was asked to make a judgment whether you could be considered a danger to yourself.

MC- I'm already disarmed, what are they gonna do? Take the keys to my bike? It's not that hard to hotwire.

CH- They were talking about disconnecting your spinal bypass until you had stabilized.

MC- Take my legs.

CH- You broke your hand training in the gym.

MC- I should have wrapped it better.

CH- You're driving drunk.

MC- So charge me.

CH- I'm trying to tell you that you're on thin ice here and I'm trying to help you get to shore safely. Please, please let me do that.

MC- I... I don't know how.

CH- Neither do I. That's why we're talking.

MC- You mean me screaming at you.

CH- Trust me, I've been screamed at by the best.

MC- They... they really suggested that?

CH- They are worried you are going to kill yourself.

MC- Are you sure that's all they are worried about?

CH- You don't think that's enough?

MC- I don't know what to think anymore. Nothing makes sense.

CH- Sometimes the world is like that.

MC- You don't believe in some greater plan for all of us?

CH- If I thought you needed to talk to a priest, it could have been arranged. But your profile doesn't suggest that would be helpful.

MC- Might have cursed less at them.

CH- I don't mind bad language.

MC- Just silence.

CH- Silence can be helpful. But not right now.

MC- So, what's on the list doc? Drink less? Do stupid shit less? Play it smart?

CH- There's no instruction manual for grief. But drinking less is advisable. And please, when you do, take a cab if you need to go anywhere. If you want to, we can assign you a driver for the time being.

MC- A minder you mean.

CH- Do you think you can be minded? 

MC- Probably not successfully. 

CH- See, you can smile.

MC- Only when I'm tricked.

CH- It will get better. I can't promise much, but I can promise that.

MC- Maybe I don't want it to.

CH- What makes you say that?

MC- Maybe as long as I hurt that means they're still alive.

CH- How did that feel when you said it out loud?

MC- It made me feel stupid.

CH- You smiled when you said it.

MC- Oh they would one hundred percent have been the one to call me stupid. If not in those exact words.

CH- Do you want to talk about them?

MC- No.

CH- I can respect that.

MC- Unlike my privacy to grieve.

CH- You know how this works. You're the Marshal.

MC- I still am?

CH- Unless you step down.

MC- Huh. Sentinel must have said no.

CH- What makes you say that?

MC- I presided over the biggest failure of a Ranger team since the San Francisco fiasco. I've spent the last two weeks a belligerent drunk. I can read the writing on the wall.

CH- Your past accomplishments are not erased by this.

MC- Feels like that right now.

CH- Do you feel like it's your fault?

MC- Yes. I should have made a different call. Gone in alone if I had to.

CH- You couldn't be certain you would be protected.

MC- But I was. And if I hadn't been, it would just have been me.

CH- Do you think your team would have let you?

MC- No way in hell.

CH- You made a decision with the knowledge you had at hand. That's not a crime. That's not even necessarily wrong. You saved the city.

MC- I know. And now I have to live with it.

---

Re: Heartbreak postscript

You won't believe what I found. Just DON'T share this with anybody. My ass is grass if this comes out. And before you ask, I didn't bug the place, this was auctioned off as part of a "Sad Charge Bitches About Retirement" reel. Don't think any of the other buyers knew enough to connect the dots. The funeral footage was way juicier, what I paid for this is a steal. Audio only always gets overlooked. And no, I'm not going to use it. You should know me better than that. I love that asshole. Gonna tip Owl off about checking the place for bugs. Anonymously of course.

Don't say I never gave you anything. 

/M.

---

O- You need to go home Sparkles, you can't sleep here.

C- Watch me...

O- I swear I will throw you out. Don't think I can't.

C- Just... can I ask you something first? You're all closed up, right?

O- Yeah. Been closed for the last hour, just sent Olive home. You owe her a tip, she had to clean around you.

C- Did I throw up?

O- No. But you can't keep doing this to yourself.

C- Stop quoting me at me.

O- You were right then. I am right now. Deal with it.

C- How did you?

O- Afraid you have to specify. Is this about Sidestep again?

C- No. Yes. Kinda.

O- Fine. You've got ten minutes, then I'm calling Al.

C- What if... what if you had done something terrible. Something absolutely inexcusable. But also necessary.

O- Oh it's that kind of discussion. 

C- I don't... I can't... I can't unsee it. And I can't make sense of it.

O- You mean you don't want it to.

C- Maybe. If it... if it did make sense, I...

O- You need to speak up if you want any answers.

C- I can't. Not even to you. Not yet.

O- Fine. So you saw something terrible. Or more than saw? Did? Am I getting warmer.

C- Warm enough.

O- And you want it to be a senseless thing. That doesn't make sense. Just another random cruelty, like a what happened to this shitty coast.

C- Exactly. The earth didn't suddenly sit up and decided to kill off a sizable chunk of population.

O- No, but it wasn't chance either. Plates colliding. Pressure building. It was gonna snap eventually, everything that followed was just billiards. Physics.

C- People aren't physics.

O- Of course we are. You think you being here is some sort of unique pain you're the only one living through? You hurt. Get drunk. Hit someone. Gets fired...

C- I quit.

O- Gets fired, then gets drunk again. Cycling back to being hurt. Predictable as the fucking weather.

C- So if there's something that's too terrible for me to wrap my head around...

O- It's because you don't want to know the answer.

C- But I do...

O- Bullshit. That's why you're getting drunk. That's why you're sitting here whining to me, ex-hero to ex-hero. Because you're afraid.

C- Is that why you retired?

O- You think you can taunt me with that?

C- I wasn't taunting.

O- Don't. Of course I was afraid. I cut off my own legs to save my life. I have to live with that. And if I wanted to keep doing what I do, I would have to go deep enough into debt that I'd never be free of it. And that's what I'm afraid off. Being trapped.

C- Unlike now.

O- It's a wheelchair, asshole, not a chain. Just because you were willing to barter your soul to be the military's latest superweapon doesn't mean I'm the same.

C- I'm sorry.

O- Now I'm getting worried about you.

C- Me too. I don't like myself like this.

O- Nice to know you still have some grip on reality.

C- Hey...

O- You're charming, Sparkles, not likable. There's a difference.

C- You're right.

O- As always.

C- What happened happened. I need to figure out why. Without preconceptions. Even if I won't like the answer.

O- The answer is probably that you're an asshole who took a shortcut instead of putting the work in. Like always.

C- Not this time.

O- So what are you gonna do? Go vigilante?

C- No. Not even if you'd tempt me with handing over your old suit.

O- Your ass is too big. You'd stretch it weird. Don't tell me you're prepping to cross the line? I might come out of retirement just for the opportunity to kick your ass.

C- No. I'm going to go home and sleep. Take a shower. Sober up. And start working on my begging.

O- Don't tell me you're going back to them? To the Rangers? Haven't they chewed you up and spat you out enough times already?

C- I need access. I can get that there.

O- No way in hell they will make you Marshal again.

C- Wei can handle that. I'll be a humble Ranger, doing my best to redeem myself.

O- Do you think anybody will actually believe that?

C- Maybe not. But that I love the limelight and is carrying around a mountain of debt? That people can and will buy.

O- You're not wrong.

C- Thank you. And please, don't let me get shitfaced in here again.

O- I'm going to put that in gilded letters behind the bar.

C- You want my autograph on it too?

O- Shut up and go home. But if you do find whatever answer you're looking for? Let me know if you need a hand.

C- A hand to do what?

O- Oh, is that's how it's gonna be? Fine, keep your secrets.

C- You know I will. Night, Fluffy.