Lith's Diary - August

Dear Diary,
This month has been... tough. Work has been harder than usual, my health has gotten a little iffy, and even my usual favorite topic, video games, have kinda failed me. I've tried a lot of different ones recently, but I never really stuck with any of them long enough that I feel like I could say much about them beyond "they didn't interest me enough to keep me playing."

Maybe it doesn't help that XCOM 2 left me kinda... disappointed? I played all the way through the campaign finally, though it took forever. Maybe partly because I liked to take my time really considering every single move... and I ended up loading out of it a lot when the game tried to ruin everything for me. Yes, I'm one of those... when a game like this is all set up to spring ridiculous situations on you by pure accident just for trying to play it, when it tries to permanently take away the troops you've worked so hard on, not because you made a really stupid mistake, but because of something impossible to predict, it's not fun to me. So I can either stop playing it, or I can play the version of the game where that dumb stuff doesn't happen and I actually have any interest in going forward.

...Okay, I sound really bitter now. Sorry. I know a lot of folks are big believers in games being "brutally hard" so you can overcome that great challenge, but I don't really need that. Not with a single-player game... If I'm playing against other people (which I don't like to do too often) then I like things to be fair, for everyone to be challenged and for it to be a close game, but if I'm just playing to entertain myself... failing isn't fun. Grueling situations aren't fun. I want to play for escapism, to feel like... well, like I'm good at something, I guess. I like to play carefully to turn "you'd probably win eventually" into "you absolutely trounce the challenge." That's satisfying to me. Thinking it through, playing well, and being rewarded for it. I don't need a lot of punishment on the line to feel satisfaction, I just need to know that my own effort made a difference.

It... sounds kinda silly now that I think it out and write it down? But also maybe kinda more legitimate than I'd originally thought it would sound.

Hmmm. Thinking about it, I don't even mind playing situations where I have to lose several times before I manage to win, as long as I can retry without consequence. But a lot of these games like to punish you for failure, too. So I guess when I load in XCOM, it's me saying that I effectively lost, because one of my dudes died, and I'm trying again from a little ways back. This is how I choose to make it a game I enjoy. ...Although I still end up resenting a lot of the choices that forcing me into that situation.

I guess it's just... life is hard enough, without games making things hard for you too. You know? You can already be massively punished for the smallest mistake in real life. I don't need a game doing that to me too. A lot of the time I play a game, it's because I'm worn out, I'm not feeling too good, and I'd just like to engage with something that eases my mind a little and makes me feel like things are gonna be okay. I like strategy games, I like resource management, but I'm playing a game instead of running an actual business because I don't want to be tens of thousands of dollars in debt if I make a mistake while indulging this side of myself...

Mmnh. Sorry. This has kinda turned into a lot of complaining and prodding at a whole section of gaming, hasn't it? I guess I just... I don't like it that it's seen as a bad thing, or something to be ashamed of, to "savescum" or to not like too much "challenge" in games. It feels like that's a common sentiment, and that frustrates me. Games as a whole can be so many different things, they can do so many different things for us, but if you're not just playing "casual" games there seems to be a lot of expectation that you really want a challenging game... as opposed to just games that are complex and satisfying, or innovative, or pushing the limits of the medium.

Actually, part of my trouble this month was that I started getting that feeling again-- "maybe games aren't even all that fun." Between XCOM 2 and the other titles I tried that never really caught me, I started feeling like that again. Even though just a month or two ago I was marvelling at how much fun this game or that one was! It feels sily. But I guess that's how big a difference it can make, playing games that are fun for you vs. those that just aren't engaging. Maybe I'm just... spoiled, to the point that if a game isn't intensely addictive, I lose interest quickly. There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of middle ground these days. I know when I was a kid, any game I got my hands on was practically gold, and I'd just play and play it forever, making my own challenges when I had to to wring a little more fun out of it. Now, there are so many... I kinda wish we could give every game that kind of attention, I'm sure there's tons of buried content to enjoy out there, but there are just waaaay too many.

Kinda like... I remember hearing there's no such thing as a "classic book" being written anymore. Back in the day, hundreds of years ago, there were so few titles being written, and so few among those that were actually good enough to be recognized on a large scale, that people could get together and decide that these were "the best ones" that everyone should read, and those became our classics, like Moby Dick. Now, there's such an absurd amount of written work out there that we can kinda get the "most popular" books, and critics can get together and give awards to the various books that are "the best" in various ways, but you don't get that kind of singular accomplishment anymore, I don't think.

...Well, I guess that's just another case of our expanding culture making something so numerous it becomes less "special" than it used to be. It's always kind of a sad moment, but also a joyous one, that you have so many things for everyone to enjoy. Very few kids actually liked reading the classics growing up, but now there's bound to be a ton of books out there that you, specifically, will enjoy, and a ton of games, too. It's just... a matter of finding them, in the sea.

But how many of our favorite games from our childhood only got that chance because they had so little competition? Would we still like them so much if we played them for the first time today? Would we even play long enough to discover what made us like them?

I guess... more content inevitably also means more stuff you'll never see, and more great things you never get to enjoy. It makes me worry how many games don't even get their fair chance at success, when there's something great buried in there... Things like the review system on Steam can help a lot with that, I think, where a few small voices of appreciation can gradually open a game to a wide market, but it can also easily bury a good game under disapproval from players that just don't like this style of game and maybe expected something else, when it might be exactly what you want to pay. It's... tough, and it's complicated.

...This has turned into a pretty gloomy entry all around, hasn't it, Diary? I'm sorry. I'm not really feeling too bad, it's just been a challenging month. And I guess I've always got something to worry about, even if it's something silly like unappreciated potential in the game market. Hmm. I've been watching a lot of anime lately, actually, and a good amount of it's been pretty nice. I've gotten more out of that than games... I've already gone and rambled a whole bunch, but maybe next month I'll talk about some of that.

For now... I hope you've been having a better month than I have, Diary. I hope you've been taking care of your health, and not letting your work overwhelm you. I hope you've found enjoyment in all your favorite things, and discovering something new to enjoy now and then.

And don't worry about me, okay? I'll pull through all this okay. I'm more worried about, well... in the void. Things are... a mess in there, but if we're very careful... I think we might manage. Thank you for coming all this way with me. Thank you for all your help, and your patience, and for... being you.

It's made all the difference.
-Lith