Lith's Diary - February

Dear Diary,
This month has been difficult, but not so much so that I really feel like I can complain. It's more like... I still feel like I could do better, and be better, than what I've been doing. So I guess it's important to try to understand how I can improve? That'll give this mess some real worth.

I don't want to get into too much detail on it, to be honest. I took some time off to be social, and it wasn't bad, but it could have gone better. I had a hard time getting back into my routine after that, as well. Maybe part of the problem is that I'm always trying to push myself to do better, but sometimes aiming for how I believe I should be able to do something just makes it take longer than if I was honest with myself about my needs and shortcomings. I'm not sure what the best solution is there. Maybe I need to learn to be better aware of when I'm off my footing and need to play it safe, versus when I'm more comfortable and it's safe to push out of my comfort zone. It's frustrating having to slow down for something like that, but if I want long term change, I need a slow and steady approach, I think.

Anyway, things haven't turned out too bad, all things considered. I'm thinking more about my plans for my life lately, and I hope I can find some time to put aside and really just relax and think things through again soon, I'm always wishing I'd do that more, but all the other things in life are always demanding my attention, for better or worse.

Like games! I played a lot of this odd, obscure little tower defense kinda game called Rats, Bats, & Bones this month. It's clearly inspired by Dungeon Warfare, which is great since I really liked that one, but didn't really like the direction it went in for the sequel. Basically, it's a 2D game where you're building up traps and barricades in a dungeon to kill off waves of monsters with various powers, immunities, and special qualities that make it harder to kill all of them. It has this heavy early 90s feel with super old school pixel graphics that feel like the game should be running in DOS, but with this strange, funky synth soundtrack that actually works pretty well. I'm still holding my breath for something weird getting thrown in that spoils the experience, but so far I'm two-thirds of the way through the campaign and I really enjoy it as something to pick up and zone out with for an hour or two, studying a map and figuring out just which routes to block off to funnel all the enemies into one super concentrated killzone. Except when there are enemies that can slip past those, or maps where it's really hard to set one up properly, or it's only possible super close to the crystal you're protecting... It throws a lot of challenges at you! If you enjoy tower defense type games, I definitely recommend it. The progression system is a pretty strong mix of tantalizing and frustrating to keep me always wanting to earn more upgrade points.

I've been playing that on and off this month, but my big game more recently was getting back into Subnautica's sequel/expansion thingy, Below Zero. Come to think of it, Monster Hunter: World had a big icy expansion recently too, I've been meaning to get into that sometime. And Warcraft 3 had a big icy expansion too! Is there something about icy areas that make them great for expansions?

Well, Below Zero has changed a ton since last I played it. It's working in the same basic mechanics as the first game, using a lot of the same resources, but it's almost all new creatures, and there are a lot of interesting new pieces of technology to really change up the experience, some of which I know I'm really gonna miss if I ever play the original again. The game still does a great job of creating that sense of tension and exploration, but it's got a very different feel to it overall. They've been working a lot on giving it more actual story with characters and dialogue, including a player character that actually talks and has a personality. So far the storyline feels a little confused and incomplete, I think they're still working on adding some pieces partway through and ironing the whole thing out, but it definitely feels more like you're an actual person in this world rather than a silent entity just interacting with monsters.

That said, the monsters are also a bigger presence in this world. Even though this is one huge frozen biome, it feels like there's just way more life everywhere, especially big creatures, especially the ones that want to take a bite out of you, or just swallow you whole. In the first game, it was common to have huge open areas with almost no life in them-- which is actually true for a lot of the open ocean. But where it's this shallow, it makes sense there's more life everywhere, and while it can get kinda ridiculous sometimes just how many threats there are to your survival (I think they wanted to crank up the difficulty for veterans of the first game) it also kinda feels more appropriate in a way, in how it forces you to play. Even once I have a vehicle, I have to play carefully, hugging the ocean floor and hiding in crevices to avoid the bigger creatures roving through the open waters. In the shallows, that's kinda the way life goes, right? You hunt smaller creatures while hiding from the bigger ones trying to hunt you. So in that respect, it does feel like they do a better job of making you feel like you're literally part of the food chain and struggling to survive, not just an observer passing through.

Plus, the creatures are a lot harder to brush off as non-threats. The Reaper Leviathan from the original game is terrifying when you first meet it, but by late game you know that you can basically just dance circles around it because it has a really slow turning rate, so it's pretty easy to just swim right up to it and scan it, which takes like 20 seconds, by just staying right at its side as it swims in circles around you. But in Below Zero, the creatures are a lot more maneuverable. If you get really close to them, they'll do things like dart away from you to turn properly and lock on, and some are just able to turn really quickly at times, to be able to get at creatures right next to them like you'd expect a big hunter to be able to do. It's harder to just evade them, so they feel more like real threats you need to avoid altogether.

I have had some frustrations with the game, but so far the big ones were basically just me not doing something the right way, not looking in the right place, and suffering for it. So on the one hand, that's my fault and I can't complain too much, but on the other, the most frustrating thing was (embarrassingly enough) the exact same problem I'd had a year ago when last I tried playing, and I'd apparently then forgotten it and had to struggle through all over again. So I feel like at least maybe, they should do something to make the right path a little more clear? I should hope it hasn't just been me that's messed this up trying to get started in the game. If you're gonna play the game, I'll give you one hint I wish I'd had: you don't actually need the moonpool until the mid or late game, and you won't be able to get it till then either. Yeah, that one left me feeling pretty stupid...

Well. Like I said, the important thing about messing up is that you learn from it, so you can do better in the future. I guess I failed to do that last time, and I think I had a similar problem in the original game actually, so this might be a lesson I really need to think on as well. And as long as you have something to learn from, you have a plan for how to improve yourself, which means you can look forward to being better tomorrow than you are today. It can be hard to accept how much you've fallen short of a challenge today, but that's not the important thing. It's good that it's humbling, because pride tends to blind us to our mistakes altogether.

So don't be afraid to make mistakes, Diary. And most importantly, don't be afraid to own up to them, to accept that you're not perfect. Just make sure to turn that into a positive thing! We all need hope for the future to keep us going, and the promise of being able to improve can be one of the most precious kinds of hope.

I know we couldn't have gotten this far in the void without being willing to accept that. It's been hard, but I think it's been worth it. Thank you for helping me get this far. I know this is all thanks to your help, and your compassion, and your patience. So, really, just... Thank you so much. I'm happy that you're a part of my life.

Be well, and be proud of yourself. But... don't be afraid to be humble, too, I guess.
-Lith