a tough week

Potentially the most stressful of my life.

We'll begin at the start. So, living as a depressed person for as long as I have, I seem to be missing some fundamental component of self-preservation, and it causes me a lot of strife. That's why, tomorrow, I have my first true-blue mental health assessment that – I hope – will lead to a diagnosis and treatment plan. I am lacking in some self-care routines and self-set boundaries around time I allot for certain parts of my life - balancing work, food, health, sleep, fun and legal requirements through my hours in the day. I mean, it's fairly obvious that I don't have any kind of healthy schedule considering that it is 2:30am and I am writing this rather than going to sleep... sigh. This all needs to change.

So where I came to this conclusion was last week, Wednesday night. Earlier in the day, I had gone to an appointment with my accountant, a woman whom I had hired to do my taxes LAST year, to discuss what I would be owing before she submit them... yes, a year late (at no fault of mine). See, I had asked her to do the taxes from the past 7 years of my life. She came back at me with an ASTRONOMICAL number that is more than I make in two years of work. I had a panic attack and prepared, mentally, for bankruptcy... right as I'm talking about buying my first house. Not really what I had in mind...

I spent the day mulling over options, talking to friends in the accounting business, searching through Google and the like, seeking any helpful information I could find. I prepared for the worst... and for the inevitable 'Talk' I would have to have with my partner. I swallowed my pride and drove to the airport to pick him up, and was absolutely demolished to hear that his flight was to be several hours late. Great, more time to think. 2am arrives along with his plane, and off we head to the hotel I had rented for the night and had hosted photoshoots the day before. We arrive, both of us completely pooched and ready for bed. Park the car on the street, think of nothing but warming up and sleeping soundly.

We awake to a phone call from the police... the truck had been rifled through by two people who then, upon being caught, smashed a window on the truck and made off with my partner's entire wardrobe in one bag. All his gym attire, expensive shirts and pants, swimshorts, etc. gone just like that. To add insult to injury, it had rained through the night, so the truck got drenched. Sigh. We pick up the truck and learn that our insurance had JUST run out while we were on vacation last month, and so our insurance was invalid. The costs were ours to swallow.

SIGH.

I had another meeting with my tax professional, and we were able to bring the number down to a far more manageable, but still out of reach, figure; one unworthy of bankruptcy (thank goodness). Nothing has been submitted yet and I will be seeking out a second opinion.

When all was finally well and good, sun shining and my spirits brighter, I was off to shoot with a dear friend and collaborator of mine. I parked my truck outside her home behind a van, and began to collect my things when a man came up to my window and began screaming at me about how I had hit his van. Now, I am not someone to immediately deny things. I am always careful with parking but wanted to ensure I was speaking the truth when I said I had not hit him, so I hopped out to see and there was no damage to either vehicle (he had a hitch, so damage would have been apparent if I had given his van a 'love tap'). He flew into a raving madness that terrified me. My friend called the police when she heard him yelling at me. It was all just what this already anxious, freaked out, depressed lady needed was a guy who had clear instability affecting his judgement screaming in my face that I was a loser and douchebag before kicking my truck so hard his shoe flew off.

I hopped back into the truck, got video of his license plate, and parked it on a main street nearby so that he wouldn't have direct access to it. One last time....

ssiiiigggghhh.

I feel terrible that I haven't got things uploaded for this month yet, but just please bear with me. It's going to get better for us all... and there is some REALLY great stuff coming soon... so just stick with me and send positive thoughts my way if you happen to have a surplus! <3