I found home. (Right where I started.)

I was born in a very small town. It used to be primarily built on farms but when they started to fail large parts of land were sold to companies to build factories. If you don’t own a small business of which there are many then you work in a factory. 

Here we made wedding dresses by the truckload, seatbelts for vehicles built in Ontario and Michigan and opticals for both cameras and guns. 

This place is beautiful, right on the water and in the summer it becomes overrun with city slickers trying to find some peace in “Cottage Country”. In the winter people are busy barreling down a ski hill, zipping through forest trails on a skidoo and running kids to and fro for hockey games.

Behind closed doors the town is riddled with addiction and alcoholism. People here are taught that they will find happiness by growing up, getting married, having children and working hard. Feelings aren’t often spoken about so when that plan doesn’t pan out it’s easy to feel like your way out is at the bottom of a bottle or a baggie.

When I was old enough to be a little self aware I knew that I didn’t belong here. I looked around at everyone that surrounded me and knew that if I stayed I would become as unhappy and lost as they were. I saw them all as liars. Holding back their real stories and making small talk everywhere they went from the grocery store to family dinners. I knew I wanted no part of that. 

I was 13 when I decided that I’d leave. I remember planning everything I needed to go to get out. I went to school and I worked hard so that I would have the chance at scholarships. I worked as a babysitter and as soon as I was old enough (14) at the corner store. Throughout high school I quit every sport and every club because I wanted to work. I knew I needed to save money if I wanted to go to college because I knew my family couldn’t help me. 

Once I left I spent many years avoiding this town and the people in it. I went 10 years without visiting or really speaking to anyone including my parents. For that time I moved from city to city, I went from job to job and I dated a couple people. I was always searching for something, some place or some person that felt right. That made me feel like I had a real place or that I belonged. 

Time and time again life taught me hard lessons that eventually landed me back here. Recently on the third go-round I stopped planning my escape and instead I threw my hands up and gave in. I made no plan. I simply set things up so I could live and work here and didn’t think about my next move or next step. 

I did go to therapy.

I started therapy originally because I had been raped, became pregnant and made the decision to have an abortion. That was also the reason I returned home. 

The first time I sat down in that chair, before my therapist could even start I asked if I could say something. She agreed, looking a little worried and I started with:

“I want to say that I want to be here. There’s a big reason that has brought me in but in the past when I’ve tried therapy the person I’m seeing quickly deems me as “ok” and “functioning” and fires me. Reasoning that I don’t need it and that I’m operating fine on my own. I think I present well. I think that I can articulate things properly and I know that I have some tools regarding processing emotions, self care etc. I’m never not functioning but that doesn’t mean that I can’t be better. That doesn’t mean that there’s not more. So, even though we’ll talk about one main thing today I’m hoping to stay here and also do general work.”

She nodded her head. She said that she understood that I wanted to be better as person and that she herself feels the same. As if, the work is never done. I agreed and we started. 

She introduced me to spirituality, she helped me reconnect with hope, she taught me about mindfulness, gratitude and mediation. All the things that I had deemed “hokey” in the past. But, I promised to be there, I promised to be open and hell - nothing that I had been doing was working out so why not. 

I’ve always been someone who has been self aware and because of that people often take me as confident. I know who I am, I know what I want and I know why. I can speak on all of those things well but what I found was a deeper level of self connectedness. (Did I just make up that word?)

Previously, I didn’t believe in anything greater. I thought that everything was in my hands and it was what I did and what I didn’t do that got to where I was or where I was going. I didn’t think that I could depend on anyone. I didn’t ask for help. I didn’t know what happiness way but I yearned for it. I didn’t think life had ever given me anything so I wasn’t practicing gratitude. I was going through the motions pissed off that life wasn’t better. 

The one thing I wasn’t doing though was REALLY checking in with my true self. Pretty early on I had this fantasy about what happiness was and I made up a story about how to get there. I made a list of the things I would need and I worked tirelessly to obtain them. I thought hard work was the key so I worked, HARD. I pushed and pushed, I tried and one thing after another slipped through my fingers. Men, jobs, money - everything. 

Not once did I actually sit down with myself and do a deep dive and contemplate when I was my happiest. When I felt most like myself. I just decided one day what would make me happy and who I wanted to be and off I went trying to make story happen.  

Funnily enough, when I came back to my small town and put my hands up in an almost “Jesus Take The Wheel” type mood - that was the key. 

I gave up.

Truly, gave up. 

When I first stepped into therapy I was broken, I was tired, I was unconnected from myself. I had nothing left. I had no belief, I had no hope, I had no drive or goals. I felt as though everything had been taken from me again and I had no willingness to fight or put anything back together.

So, I didn’t. 

Instead, I was open to trying something new. So week after week, I returned to that chair and I was honest about how I felt. I as honest about everything I didn’t know how to do emotionally and I asked for help. Each week, Sarah listened to me often picked up on one thing to focus on and she would let me go back into the world with a homework assignment. Normally researching something or reading a specific book. 

I found out that I really wasn’t that bad at doing most of the things that I found “hokey”. I was already very good at practicing Mindfulness, it just hadn’t been explained to me in a clear way. The same with Meditation, I always saw meditation as something you often did at temple and that the goal was to have a completely clear mind for a prolonged period of time. However, now I believe that meditation can take on many forms and that I already practiced multiple of them within my own self care. I simply gave them different names. 

Gratitude I had to work on. That was one thing I had to change my thinking on. I was always looking for BIG things to be grateful for. I’m grateful for my million dollars in the bank. I’m grateful for my Tesla. I’m grateful that I never feel lonely because so many people love me and care for me. 

I still can’t say any of those things however, I can say that:

I’m thankful that for the time being I’m able to work on my own. Most of my work is projected based so I can sometimes set my own hours and have the flexibility in my schedule that I desire while working on creative projects. 

I’m thankful that I live near the water and have a multitude of beaches within a 10-15 minute drive at all time. I love being in the water. it makes me feel free and insignificant. 

I’m thankful that I’m not homeless.

I’m thankful that I have an opportunity to save some real money so that I can one day buy a home. That’s something that I never thought I would have since I left home at 17 and have always paid my way for everything. I’ve always felt more behind than ahead and especially when living in a large expensive city as a single - I didn’t think homeownership was a possibility. 

My Self Care got deeper. I would always practice self care but it was mainly physical for me. Most likely because I’ve always put a precedence on my connection with my body. I would get my hair done, I would sit for an hour or more and do my hair, I would put on make up, I would dress up and I would go to yoga so I could stretch and move. However now, I understand that for me sleep is very important and I focus on that. I also wake up every morning and I check in with myself. I ask my body how it feels and what it needs. I ask myself what would make me happy today and I do my best to give myself those things. Sometimes that’s watching a movie and eating tacos, sometimes it’s spending a couple hours in the lake, sometimes it’s buying something new, sometimes it’s going for a long drive through the country or watching the sunset from my favourite spot. Asking myself what I need on a daily basis has really helped connect me to my Wise Mind.

“Wise Mind is that place where reasonable mind and emotion mind overlap. It is the integration of emotion mind and reasonable mind. Linehan states, "Wise mind is that part of each person that can know and experience truth. It is where the person knows something to be true or valid.” - from www.dbtselfhelp.com

I’ve also become a little spiritual but without religion. I’ve done reading (although there’s so much more to do) on the science of the universe and how we are all connected and then pair that with readings from people such as Deepak Chopra who brings a personal and often emotional spin to it. This has somewhat sprung the belief in me that there is something bigger. That I am part of something and while I don’t believe in God or the whole Adam and Eve world creation thing simply knowing that allows me to have a kind of Hope that I’ve never had. 

All that say that here I am, in the exact same small town that I was born in at 36 years old and I’ve found home. Not in this place but within myself. I’ve reconnected with myself and my Wise Mind. Creativity flows through me. I am calm, I feel love on a daily basis even though I’m often alone. I’m close to the earth and the water. I am the happiest I have ever been.