Back on track!

My birthday just passed and this year it really screwed with my head. 

My birthday isn't a big deal normally because I'm not "popular". I'm kinda low key and I'm also very people picky. Don't get me wrong I'm welcoming and polite when meeting strangers, if you bring me somewhere I'll work the room and make friends etc. I just don't chase them for REAL friendships. I leave my real friendships for other deep and creative individuals. 

And thus, I've never been that girl at a birthday dinner with like 30 people. That's just not me. 

But this year no one really even mentioned my birthday? Like literally. 4 days before I decided to say fuck it and book an AirBnB in town alone to do some shooting. The day before my birthday a friend did message me and was like SO WHEN DO I GET TO SEE YOU TOMORROW?! 

And I was like ???? - You don't. LoL. 

Either way, that kind of messed me up a little. I was disappointed and I have been disappointed with friends quite recently to the point where I've really taken 10 steps back from almost everyone. 

I'm 36 and I'm single. That's me. And while I COMPLETELY understand that other people have marriages or long term relationships, some have kids, they own homes, they have jobs, they travel and they have other friends as well as family - but, I still have friend needs at the end of the day. 

Friendships can be really different depending on the people and the point in your life that you're at. My brother is one of my best friends but he lives in Thailand and the time change is pretty much 12 hours. So if it's 7am for me it's 7pm for him. I really only speak to him maybe every 2-3 months but that doesn't change how close we are. Other people I'll talk to a couple times a week and in general I'll know about all the things going on in their lives. Then there are friends who don't really text but we'll get together once a week and have a long chat/update session. 

Before my birthday though I had gotten to a point where I hadn't seen anyone in person for about 2 months. It was cancelled plans after cancelled plans - sometimes cancelling to do something else or something better which was.....not awesome. So I had been feeling a way about friendships in general. 

Don't get me wrong - I've been good! I've been SO good lately. I've been alone but I haven't been lonely for the most part. I've been hyper creative. I've been moving forward with a new business type plan for YouTube and Fine Art so I can apply to galleries and group shows. I've been sleeping more. I've been swimming more. I've been super in tune with myself and working on my healing at therapy.....this was just the thing that was pinging at my heart. 

So much so that when I checked into the AirBnB on Saturday the LAST thing I wanted to do was shoot. I was just all around upset. I felt as though I didn't matter to the people who mattered to me. I felt like I was giving so much and not getting anything back. I don't need things to be fair but I do need to feel respected for my effort and time. Then I ventured down the dark path of you're 36....look at your life! Which is NEVER good lol. 

I ended up staying in bed that day. Not really talking to anyone. I just got food, watched The Deuce and let my feelings be what they were. When it turned to evening and I still didn't want to shoot I changed my reservation to stay an additional night and stopped stressing about it in general. Fuck it, it's my birthday. 

The next day I bounced back a little but def not full force. I shot, and I got 3 sets done but they were more "pretty" than creative and deep which is normally what I go for. These could be looked at as 3 different sides of me on the day I turned 36. Which may actually be interesting in a way?

I dunno - ANYWAYS - even since then I've been tinkering with things but I just haven't felt connected and ON IT the way that I had been. Thankfully I saw my friends the last two nights and I've slept a ton and I just feel back on track today.

I'm going to work at getting my websites done this weekend.

I ordered some furniture for my new office where I'll be doing YouTube stuff. 

And in general I'm just excited again. 

Excited to create and put out new content and MOVE FORWARD! 

WooWoo