Stuck.

 *I didn't proof this before posting. It was a journaling exercise.*

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Do you ever have times where you just feel stuck? Almost a feeling of not being yourself? You’re unsure about where you are, how to move forward, what to move forward to. 

I am there. 

I had a very hard week this past week. I took a lot of time for myself. I slept a lot. I did a lot of feeling. I watched a lot of Netflix. I tried to be gentle with myself. I would make attempts at going to work - sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t. I would try to work on art things but those things didn’t work at all. 

I feel like the only thing I did successfully was Christmas. All my presents are bought and wrapped. All of the decorations are up (and there are A LOT). I went out and bought everything to finish up the donations that we’ll be making. This, made me feel good and accomplished. 

Everything else was sludge that I didn’t want to wade through. 

I feel as though I am nowhere. I feel as though I am nothing. This isn’t a negative as if I don’t have worth or as if I’m being hard on myself. I have a feeling within me of non-existence. 

I move through things, I move small blocks. From here, to there, I try to help and do what I’m asked but in the grand scheme of things I make no impact. 

Even with photography. I feel like I have things to say. I used to actually help people. But now….no one sees, no one pays attention. The spaces for what I do become more and more limited even though I feel that they are still so desperately needed. 

And on top of that finances. At the end of last year I was in debt almost 20k. I worked very hard to pay all that off this year. I succeeded. But last year I was informed that there was a change in the way that one of the people I contract with was going to submit his taxes and the most I’d owe is 17k. I have some of that, I was saving for a home. All of that will now go to taxes but I don’t at all have the full 17k. I’ll have to save everything I can from now until I file and then I may still have to be put on a payment plan. 

This feels like a mountain. A mountain that I do not want to climb. I just climbed that mountain, I don’t want to do it again. 

(By saying that please know that I’m talking about a feeling. It’s not my intention to not pay taxes or do anything shady. I just….we had a plan, I was prepared for. This switch, I did not see coming and obviously I am not prepared for it.)

And, my camera. 

I made a huge mistake. Normally when I pack from a shoot my camera back and tripod go into my suitcase first and then everything else. There is a duffle bag or whatever, on the side with anything leftover from the shoot - I’m using a lot of materials currently, etc. When I finished my last shoot, I brought in my suitcase (so my camera would be safe and warm) and left everything else in the car because I have limited space since I’m staying with my mom currently. 

I arranged a new project with a new client and I something booked for Sunday. So on Saturday, I went through to find all my gear. Make sure I had everything set and make sure all my batteries were charged - pack a kit so I could easily grab it and go Sunday morning. 

I open my suitcase, no camera, no gear. 

I go out to the car and sure enough, I had a plastic bag of fabric with my camera bag sitting on top. When I pulled the bag out it was frozen solid. My heart sank. 

We’ve had some really drastic weather changes lately. We were perfect fall, to winter wonderland/snowstorm, then everything melted and we were back to no jacket fall, freezing ice storm and back to snow. So while, if it had been either the dead of winter and it was just cold it would have been fine, or if it had been just summer it would have been fine…..but this, looked very not fine. 

I brought everything in. I took apart the bag and it as apparent that everything had been wet. All the manuals were blocks of ice. The small lens I keep in its box in the bag was soaked through as well. Def water in the bag. NOT GOOD. I took everything apart and let the gear heat back up. I charged both the batteries and after hours I tried the camera. Nothing. Waited and tried again, nothing. I waited for 8 hours and then tried again. On manual, nothing. Screen, nothing but when you flipped to auto it would flash. 

All around……not good. 

So, I sent Sarah a heads up email letter her know that I’d keep trying but I may have to cancel. Then a second after being up all night, trying everything I could, trying to be patient but then ultimately knowing that she was dead. I wouldn’t be coming which I felt terrible about. We had both been exciting and looking forward to starting the project and I both let her and myself down and maybe killed the momentum that we had going. 

I slept for a very long time and when I woke up I decided to see if there were any Black Friday deals on new gear. I found what I thought was a good one on an updated kit. I left it open on my computer for hours not wanting to have to spend the money but so much of who I am is taking photos and the businesses that I want to build rely on having this equipment - so I submitted my order and put 3k on my credit card. 

This made the mountain bigger. This made me feel more hopeless and in a hole. I def spent some time internally beating myself up for being in the position that I’m in. For not saving more? For not double checking my gear before Saturday. For feeling everything I do. 

To the point where I was in bed for a very long time but I didn’t sleep. 

Today, I should be at work but I am not. I had a panic attack this morning. And I have no ambition to go anywhere and do anything. 

But I should get up. I should shower. I should at least go in. I should talk to my contract and see where we are after he returned to town. I should make efforts. I should at least go through the motions. 

Right?