Let it go, Let it GOOOOOOO!

See what I did there? 

Funny but not too funny because there is not a more annoying song in the world. 

Anyways, Christmas was….not the greatest. I went through a lot and even though I requested a session with my therapist she was unable to accommodate and I didn’t see her until today. (I haven’t slept a full night since Dec 23rd)

Today we went through everything and my main take away is that I have to “let go”. 

*queue eye roll*

Only, I’m not really rolling my eyes. I mean, I am because I’m frustrated and I feel as though by therapy standards I never do enough letting go but I also somewhat get it. I think?

Today I was told specifically that I need to let go of my belief that things should be or will be just or fair. 

Logically I get that life isn’t fair. People aren’t fair for the most part. So if I take 100 steps back and away from my situation I can agree that in general stuff isn’t and probably won’t ever actually be fair. 

HOWEVER, I believe in fair. Like as a principal, you know? I def WANT things/life/people to be fair. I do my best to treat people fairly. I do my best at work not to play favourites and have the same rules for everyone. I try to balance everything and in my mind people should give that back to me. I run into feelings when they don’t. Which, while I have every right to feel a type of way if I’m treated poorly or unjustly I guess I hang onto those feelings. 

I also take it a step further and somewhat wait for what life owes me. HA! Are you laughing? I am! I can’t believe I just wrote that! It’s true though…..for some strange stupid reason I think that if I put good things into the world that the world should give them back to me. 

I have something in me that tells me if you’re good, if you do your best every single day, if you are nice, kind and you treat people fairly that you essentially deserve the same in return. Ultimately if you do good and are good that you deserve good. Only the universe don’t play that game and it does me no good to expect that or get upset when it doesn’t happen. 

*let it go*

Through the conversation that I had today with Sarah I can see why it’s not serving me and why a change in perspective is needed. But I have that same old question…..

How the F do I actually do that?

I think that I have trouble changing things like this within myself because it’s such a pillar or foundation for me. It’s not a little change, it’s a big one and because it’s a belief I feel like if I throw one core belief away I have to replace it with a new one. Which in this case is what?

The world is unfair so take it? 

Things will never be fair? 

Don’t expect yourself from others? 

No, all of those are negative. I would be told to stop it, put my feelings aside and get real. (Sarah wouldn’t say that to me, I would say that to me.)

Sarah said a lot today about not seeing things as failures or negatives but trying to make them positives. Which, she did admit can be hard in the moment. What she meant though was essentially “every door that closes opens another.” I can understand that concept but for me it’s so hard while I’m in the middle of a situation that hurts this much to just be like…..no, you know what it is….

Sarah is telling me to GIVE NO FUCKS. Just like Katie West told of us to give no fucks. 

WHY AM I STILL GIVING SO MANY FUCKS GUYS!?

These are two of the most brilliant women I know and I’m just not listening? Why can’t I let go? Ok, lets work…..always look to fear first cause it’s normally always the asshole in question. 

I can’t let go of things being fair or just because …then everything would be mayhem. 

Because….then all the work I do and care I take in operating at the level I do wouldn’t matter. 

Because….then there would be no rhyme or reason to anything and if I lose my hope in good and just accept all the bad shit that’s happened to me despite always doing my best and being a good person I will lose my faith/hope and then were the F am I?

Why does my faith/hope lean so heavily on the world being fair?

…..becauseI want to have some control over whether good things happen to me.

Why do I need that?

….because I still don’t have enough faith in the universe to bring me good things. I think it brings me the things I “need” and so often those are lessons that quite frankly I don’t want LOL

And then Sarah would say - but what if the key to good things was letting go completely and leaving it up to the universe. What if that’s the way to get all the good things?

And I’d say - prove it. But “prove it” is the absence of faith.

So I guess in a way “give no fucks” is kinda like having faith in the way that you’re choosing to not get wrapped up in the things you can’t control. Giving no fucks at it’s core is having so much belief and comfort within yourself that you can walk away from anyone or anything that doesn’t serve you. Why? Because you have yourself and that’s all you need. 

Hmm I kinda always thought giving no fucks was a lack of caring but maybe it’s really about caring so much about yourself and finding faith in you that you’re able to simply let go of the fucks you give for everything and everyone else?

Alright, going to sit with that for awhile now.