I get really mixed up - this is what I'm going to talk about in therapy tomorrow.

It's been awhile since I've graced you with my horrible writing and over sharing lol.......(and of course I didn't read this over or edit anything, enjoy!)

I’ve discovered lately that I have a lot of conflicting ideas in me which makes it very hard for me to feel as though I’m doing the right thing or going down the right path. 

Example (in dating) - You should be kind and understanding of other peoples lives, BUT NEVER SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN YOU DESERVE.

I tend to be very black and white as a person however, the world exists primarily in all the grey. I have always had issues with this. I like it when things are either right or wrong and there are no excuses. You are either successful or you’re not. 

Pair that with the fact that my therapist called me out a bit last session for having high standards. Which I do, I will FULLY admit that. Not just of other people but for myself - for myself FIRST! However, because I hold myself to such high standards I can sometimes find others low standards unforgivable. This plays a huge part in why I’m so people picky. I don’t over judge these people in any way but I chalk it up very quickly to “you’re not my people” and I move on.

Lately, I’ve opened myself up to dating…..however, it’s not going well, not that it ever does and I’m thinking through how my standards most likely play a huge part in that but at the same time I’m having trouble seeing why this is a bad thing?

At the end of the day, at my very core I feel as though I am someone who has always done my best, preformed better, given the most throughout my entire life…..and I have never had anyone show me the same in return. 

Does this mean that people haven’t tried? Nope

Does it mean that people haven’t loved me in their own way? Nope

Does this mean that people haven’t given me what they could at the time? Nope

But it does mean that no one has ever given me what I needed. Despite the fact that I have asked for exactly what I needed, very clear and could fully explain why if needed. 

It also means that to me everything in my life has been completely unbalanced - forever. It means that no matter what I see myself as giving giving giving giving - quite frankly giving EVERYTHING and receiving very little in return. Which now, has resulted in me closing up, cutting people off quicker or simply not engaging in the first place because it just doesn’t seem worth it. If I’m not going to get anything back from my investment then I’m better of just being alone/keeping to myself and trying to give those things to myself (which never works).

It means that I have never truly felt loved, appreciated, wanted etc by anyone ever. So I have an entire life of those feelings. Since I was young I have always had to try to be or appear to be more than I am to make any type of headway with anyone. This includes my parents and my family.

No one ever really had time for me. I was by myself a lot. I grew up in an alcoholic family to which my response was do well, fly under the radar and don’t cause any trouble. It’s better to be unnoticed. While I played well with others in school etc, I was never allowed to see anyone outside of school so I was always lonely. I was always hiding, keeping to myself. When I did well, overachieved it was thought of as “great, this isn’t a problem and thus this doesn’t need my attention.” Since I always did well, my parents didn’t come to parent teacher night, they didn’t come to school plays or concerts, I played on every single team I could and joined every single club and they never showed up to a game. I remember when I graduated elementary school they have 15 awards and I took home 8. No one was more shocked than my parents. Literally, you should have seen my dads face, granted he was drunk but he kept looking around the room as if he was waiting for someone to pop out and tell him it was a joke. My mom, was quiet, as usual and I kinda hope that she felt bad for not having known going in but I think she at least read the report cards she signed so maybe she was less surprised in general?

But what all of this means now is that I am tired. 

It means that I am so emotionally exhausted that sometimes I can’t even bare the thought of trying with anyone else. It means that I am not only disappointed in individual people and situations but I am disappointed in love (in general even platonic and friendship type love), in the universe, in people as a whole and because of that I find it VERY hard to have hope in this area of my life. 

I am disappointed everyday. Every single day. I am disappointed in every single person in my life. I am disappointed in almost every situation I find myself in with another person. And I feel as though I am out of things to give, I am empty.