Your Body Tells You Everything You Need To Know - If You Listen

Today is a holiday - it’s Presidents Day in the US and it’s Family Day in Canada. 

I am at work while everyone else is out having fun. It was my decision to come in however, I came in to get some really focused time to work on the big projects I’ve had for awhile that just keep getting pushed with little things. 

Today was supposed to be me, here alone. The other people who use the co-op space aren’t here. It’s supposed to be quiet. No one is supposed to be sending me emails, taking up my time and most importantly all the people that are part of all these stupid projects are supposed to leave me the fuck alone. 

But to my surprise I log in to 17 emails.

1. One person is asking me to find time for them today for a conversation - I’M NOT SUPPOSE TO BE WORKING. I say that, but then they write back about how they are swamped for the rest of the week…….fine, call me bitch.

2. One person says - great work on this, but can you change these 10 things? ……..please tell me that you are kidding? Most of the time I’ve very open to CONSTRUCTIVE criticism I don’t take it badly at all however, you’ve been apart of this project since the beginning. You actually brought it about, however, you’ve been COMPLETELY UNHELPFUL IN IT’S COMPLETION. I had no idea what I was doing so I had to come back to you for information and examples, you couldn’t get your shit together for those and you also couldn’t answer any of my fucking questions and now you want to complain about how it was executed and give direction on changes? 

IF YOU HAD YOUR SHIT TOGETHER IN THE FIRST PLACE AND LAID OUT INSTRUCTIONS OR EVEN JUST GAVE ME THE ANSWERS/SUPPORT I NEEDED THROUGHOUT THE PROCESS THEN I WOULDN’T BE HERE ON MY FUCKING DAY OFF FIXING SHIT FOR YOU. 

3. Part of the reason I’m here is because someone hasn’t been keeping track of incoming payments and asked me to do some reporting making sure that everything that has come in has been applied to the accounts and moved into the correct bank accounts. 

So, I do the reports that are available to me. I hack into someone else’s account to run some additional reports however….I just end up with more questions. And ultimately I need to SEE the bank accounts to make sure everything is done correctly, which I don’t have access to. 

And I’m pissed because this whole task was given to me as a passing comment, it wasn’t explained what was actually needed - I was just told to “handle it”. Sure…..let me do that to you when I have NEVER had access to the bank accounts, when I ultimately have NO IDEA how you fucking bill - I know how the system works, I know how to generate bills, process payments etc, however, because you are you everything is 10x more complicated than it should be and has holes all over the process. 

SO WHY WAS THIS GIVEN TO ME? HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO “HANDLE IT” - I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT “IT” IS. Are you saying that since your LA left that NO payments have been processed? YOU were handling the billing. What were doing for the past 2 months? NOT DOING IT CORRECTLY? 

And please tell me why you’ve assigned someone who has NEVER been in charge of billing for your company is tasked not only to go back 3 months to make sure everything adds up and was done correctly but also train your new LA on how to do it?

WHY IS THIS A LOGICAL SITUATION? IT’S NOT. 

And now I’m so stressed, and so over it that my back and my neck are aching and all I want to do is go home. 

Lately, my body ACHES with pain. When Kobe Bryant died and everyone was celebrating him despite the fact that he was a racist which NO ONE WAS TALKING ABOUT AT ALL I got really dark. I stayed in bed for days and my entire body hurt. My muscles ached, my bones ached, my insides ached, my head ached and my heart. 

The only other time I had such a big episode of this and I don’t even know what to call it was after I had my abortion. My body ached while I was in Hawaii. I was just never comfortable. No matter if I gave it rest, no matter if was active - hiking and swimming….it just hurt. And I would even wake up with it SCREAMING at me from inside. I don’t know what to call this, I don’t even know how to describe it. It was like….my body knew something was there, it knew it was gone and it didn’t think that was right so it just started screaming internally to alert me that something was missing. 

Now….I think I just pay more attention than I did before. Yesterday I had a good day, I was here working on my photography, I was talking to Katie, I was watching a new show, I was practicing my gratitude. I went home and I masturbated for hours which releases all the stress and I slept like a baby. 

But today I woke up, I hadn’t slept in the right position so I my body was cranky. I made tea then went back to sleep for a bit. And then….the calls, the emails, my boss needs something, my aunt needs something, my grandad wants me to come by again. The dog is barking, and she whining even though she’s in the bed and I’m petting her. You don’t need to go out, you don’t need to be fed, you have water - what? I reluctantly I get up, I pack and I come here…..and then everything I mentioned above. 

I feel disgusting now. My lower back hurts so much, I have a headache. My body hates this and it’s letting me know. 

So, break time. I’m going to lay on the floor under my blanket and listen to my audio book and then get up in an hour or two and try again. If I’m still stiff and achey I’ll do some yoga and do my best to get back into it before heading over to my grandads house. 

Today I am grateful for:

A quiet office and being alone here. 

Being able to work with the lights off. 

The company and attention that I got last night. 

The additional incomes ideas that I got last night. 

I’m grateful for my foresight at the grocery store yesterday and the antipasto stuff I have to eat today. 

That I have today “off” and nothing is actually required of me.