Things are.....uncertain

HELLO! How are you? You guys have been VERY quiet lately and I get it, you have every reason to be with everything that is going on. I sincerely hope that you're all doing ok and that you're putting time towards doing things that are good for your mental health. It's IMPORTANT!

I wrote a post yesterday to tell you how I was doing but it was long and sad and angry and probably not at all what anyone needs or wants to hear right now so I'm here tonight, trying again. 

I am here!

I am currently still working put my hours have been cut to part time and I've had to ask to be paid the last two weeks. Which makes me feel like things aren't going well with the firm that I'm currently on board with. I know that the owner was looking to the US gov for a bailout loan and as of last week he hadn't received it. Things have been slow, very slow with new business and I'm just.....getting more and more worried.

I'm not in the worst spot if I do lose my job and need to apply for unemployment. I live with family and while I do very much help out if for any reason I couldn't help out as much it wouldn't be the end of the world. I just....don't want that to be the case and I want to work and I really like my job. So....I'm not sure, if I would be let go and not asked back or if I would be furloughed for the time being and wanted to return when things picked back up. It COULD also completely be a case of the business going under and the owner filing for bankruptcy. In which case.....none of us would be invited back. 

And then......I don't know. I have no clue as to what I would do. Like literally, would I look for completely different work? Would I keep trying to do what I was doing? Would I.....I don't know. And I'll be 37......which is......fuck. 

Outside of work, I am just......trying to keep busy? 

When all this started and I got more time to myself I got really excited. I shot some new creative weird shit. I have more plans to do more of that. I finished some stitching projects that needed edges. I've sewn 2 robes with my momma's help. I have ideas for more projects only....I can't get the supplies to actually make them which is a little infuriating. 

Creatively my ideas are flowing but I feel as though I keep running into road blocks re: supplies. Which is driving me a little crazy. 

My family is ok though. My Nanny called us from her nursing home the other day and we were happy because we haven't been able to visit her and she's on the second floor so we can't do the window thing that you see everyone doing on social media. She ended up crying on the phone and asking us why we weren't visiting her. So we started talking about COVID-19 and explaining that to keep her safe we weren't able to. To which she said that sounded stupid and she didn't believe us which.....is heartbreaking knowing that she thinks/feels that everyone has simply left her for no reason. 

My grandad who had just gotten out of the hospital before this all starting with breathing issues has stayed inside 100% - he has a very able wife 20 years his junior who is taking good care of him and making sure that he's laying low. So that's good but he's going a little nuts. 

Everyone else is good - I come from a family of nurses so they are all still working and doing their part. No one has become ill which we're all thankful for. And everyone is just...."keepin on". 

The only other thing to report is that everyone is telling people to still get outside for a bit, fresh air, sun, even just for a walk. Only.....I'm not really getting it because in Ontario they have closed all our parks and beaches. Yeah, we can all walk our dogs around subdivisions and stuff but that seems less safe than allowing us onto all the trails that we have in my area where there's FAR more space......

I just keep thinking that we're all going to miss summer too and I'm going to go INSANE if that happens. I live in a beach town. We just got through winter - LET ME IN THE LAKE! I know that this is stupid. I understand that people are dying and that it's completely selfish of me to say but......I FUCKING HATE WINTER. I've been locked up already for how many months. Now it's finally getting warm and you're locking me up again? And say this doesn't end until next winter.....then you're going to tack on another 6 months that I'll be inside still?

I feel like I'm slowly being turned into bubble boy!

You guys why don't I live in Hawaii already? In a small place, not the 18 million dollar home that I post as a semi-joke - but just a regular house with a small art studio? Somewhere where I can still sit and watch the sun go down even if we can't go to the beaches. Somewhere warm. I promise I'll stay in my yard and to myself. 

Guess I'll keep playing the lotto