A feeling of uncertainty.

Alright so....my last update I was trying to look on the bright side of everything and now......everything has gone to utter shit. HA! Isn't that always the way. 

As you know....I've been furloughed forever. LOL I've been told that even after this is over I wont be invited back. 

Currently I am getting CERB which is the COVID Emergency Response Benefit from the government of Canada. It pays out $2000 a month, but that's pre-tax so you have to save $400 to pay them back at tax time next year. So $1600 new money a month.

Which would have been fine, I don't need much, I was helping my mom a lot just trying to pay off her home so she could retire early and saving myself but, if I lessened both I'd easily be able to make it. 

Only.....that home situation came to a head the other night. Her boyfriend got in my face, was blaming stupid things on me that I had nothing to do with, swearing at me etc and.....I just reached my end point. I didn't do anything but it took everything in me to NOT do anything. 

I was trying to HELP HIM while he was doing this as well.  I was standing there and everything in me was just boiling and if I did leave I was scared about what I would do. I have so much rage.....from past things with him, from my trauma, from things before my trauma that men have put me through that if he had touched me I would have seen red, let go and.....I don't know but it would have been bad. 

I left but I also am at a point where I no longer feel safe there. Because he wont change, I think he fully enjoys pushing my buttons and blaming things on me and seeing how far he and get me and if my mom asks me about it of course he makes it seem minimal and calls me crazy and sensitive.....I no longer feel safe within myself being able to walk away or minimize the situations he starts. 

So, I'm at hotel. It was local. I had two free nights saved from the past and because of COVID they are a half rate so the additional night was like $65 dollars or something. 

I am looking for jobs, I am looking for apartments. 

I have applied for every job that I would possibly be qualified for that is NOT part time (and one that was) up to 1.5 hours away.  Total - 7

I have been emailing and texting about both apartments and rooms up to 1.5 hours away but there's not much. Most I contact have already rented the space. Right now there is a basement apartment with a 30 y/o guy available in my town for $700. There is a 1 bedroom apartment for $1100 but it's in the building that my dad died in. I'm seeing a room tomorrow but I'm unsure about the people who live there......and Im waiting to hear back on 2 more. 

I'm unsure a room will be good for me. I'm very quiet, I keep to myself and to be honest unless you're my friend I probably don't want to socialize with you. I'm also worried that others looking for rooms will be students/20 somethings and Ill be "over" their shit really fucking quick. 

I worry about getting a place on my own because, after the small amount of savings I have if I don't find another job I'll be moving onto my credit cards after fighting to get them all paid off over the last 1.5 years. 

I'm worried that I haven't submitted my taxes yet because I think it will be a 17l or above bill that I just don't want to deal with because I have no job.

And finally I'm worried about the state of things even after this ends.....a lot of businesses are NOT doing well financially. They'll have to make up losses before they hire new people and will they? Have we started a new trend of working from home which would in general require less employees at stores etc. 

Right now I feel really scared. 

I feel stuck.

I feel so uncertain about the world that it's hard to have faith in myself and worth as a potential employee. 

I don't want to go home because I'm scared of how I feel there and what may happen.

But I'm scared to move out and go down that road incase....I kinda get myself into financial ruin. 

I feel like I have no good choices right now.