RAW Script for [ASMR] The Worst Blind Date With a Vampire [M4A] [Sarcastic] [Vampire Feeding]

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Original Upload Date: Jan 4th, 2021

[misc. sounds of restaurant noises fade in]

Oh hello, are you supposed to be...JuminJoJoFan18? Huh, you aren’t really what I expected. [pause] I was expecting someone more….not so all of this. Then again, we did find each other on Amino and we’ve been using WhatsApp to text. Anyways, uh sit down I guess or just stand there, I already ordered. [pause] Well, I do apologize, I wasn’t aware I needed your consent to order my food and drink before we met. That was very rude of me; then again, it’s also rude not to be on time so I guess we’re both at fault. Anyways, look at the menu, I made sure that our first date was at a place where the menus are only a single front and back page. I know how you humans nowadays hate reading and have the attention span of a squirrel unless you’re trying to figure out how to get shit for free, then you’ll read an entire encyclopedia cover to cover. [pause] Haha don’t give me that look, you knew full well what you were getting into. Did you think we vampires were all sparkling twinkle toes that brood in the rain 24/7? Some of us are like this because we’ve seen how humans can treat one another, so we are simply returning the favor. Anyways, now that we’re in person, I think it’s time we actually learn each other’s actual names. If we end up working out, I think our friends would have a tough time giving us a ship name if we keep going by our online names. I’ll start. My actual name is Marc with a C like Marc Jacobs, except I’m not famous for making purses so people go into debt after buying it. I swear you humans go broke trying to look rich, ego is one hell of a drug ain’t it? Let me spend hundreds of dollars on this hunk of leather with a fake metal logo to put my weekly $20 allowance in because I still live with Mommy and Daddy. *heavy sigh* Where were we? Oh yeah you’re name. Let’s hear it. I want to know whose name I’ll be calling out. [pause] Haha don’t flatter yourself, we are close to the mall, so in case we get lost, I don’t sound like an idiot shouting, “JuminJoJoFan18?? Where are you?”. [pause] Of course that’s your name. I should’ve figured that out by your appearance. It matches you. It’s simple and basic, just like you. Did your parents get you a Live, Laugh, Love engraved birth certificate as well? Or did they get you the one that said, “Sing like no one is listening, love like you never been hurt, dance like no one is watching and live like it is heaven on earth.”? Hahaha hey, learn to take a joke. You’ll be taking a lot of things from me and assuming I can tolerate you long enough, you’ll have to learn to live with my sense of humor. [pause] Hahah offensive? If you thought that was offensive, you should hear the shit I keep in my head. Sorry my humor isn’t saying, “And I oop” to everything. Look I get it, you want us to be amicable adults which is fine, but, you got to learn that not everyone is going to tiptoe around your wittle feewings and speaking of that, you only take your mask off when you get your food or drink. Vampires can’t get sick but we also can’t have humans knowing that we can’t get sick. So, put it back on, I can hear you just fine; you’re only about an arm’s length away from me.

Anyways, have a look at the menu and order whatever you want. I'll be on my phone.  Don’t worry, I’m only checking my work emails. Yes, I do have an actual job because that’s how adults earn money, we don’t expect your government to give us free money simply for existing. *sigh* [pause] *in a bothered tone* I honestly don’t know what looks good, it all tastes the same. When you’re a vampire, if it’s not coming out of someone or something’s neck, it tastes like...well...nothing. It’s more of a textural sensation and a way for us to blend in better. I just ordered the rare steak. It’s bloody and it’s the best way to at least curb my bloodlust temporarily until tonight. [pause] Oh don’t worry about it, I’ll tell you what you need to know on a “as-needed-basis”. Anyways, the menu isn’t on my face so look down and go ahead and take your time, I have literally all the time in the world because you know...immortality. Oh here’s our waiter. Go ahead order. [pause] Uh huh yeah I guess. Yeah….I mean it is what it is. [brief pause] My work? Oh it went okay I guess. I mean work is work. You learn to put up with it being alive for 300 years. [brief pause] Oh what do I do for work? Oh it depends. One week, I’ll feel like being a doctor as I have 6 Ph.Ds in 6 different countries and then maybe next week, I’ll be a bartender. It all depends on how I feel. I mean aren’t you humans always changing something about yourselves on a daily basis? Anyways, well, that’s what I do. What about you? [brief pause] Uhh actually wait hang on, shut up for a second I just got the weirdest email. *mumbles to self*....Damien….Dawn Lucifero….Dante….Elijah...One second. *mumbles to self* Okay go ahead. Don’t worry, I’m still listening, I’m just more invested in what's on my phone. Wait, scratch that I want to guess. Do I have your consent to play the guessing game? Haha. Hmmm I want to say, you work part time at a vegan coffee shop and at a local microbrew beer kickstarter, but you’re also in university. *sniff* I want to say feminist dance theory major with minor in gender studies but you’ll find someway to blame the patriarchy because you don’t make $40/hr for pushing a button that dispenses a cuppuchino and for sharing the kickstarters’ social medias. *sniff* Judging by your scent, I want to say you’re the type to self-diagnose yourself in order to have a cop out for behavior. *sniff* You’re also an easily triggered person but since you lack the ability to cope with your emotions, you isolate yourself. You claim that your generation is the strongest, yet, you cry when someone with an opposing viewpoint proves your argument wrong and then go straight to name calling or attempting to “cancel” the person. Oh and I’m sure you think you’re “woke” for knowing things that are already well-known and/or you like to end said “woke” realizations with the nail polishing emoji? Using phrases like, are we just gonna ignore the fact that blah blah blah insert nail polishing emoji. Did I hit the nail on that soon-to-be half shaved pixie cut hair style and completely shaved off eyebrows head of yours? [pause] Oh thank you, yeah I had the rare steak and the red wine and yeah they had that. Thank you it looks delicious. Well, go ahead, start eating. Much like blood, food tastes better when it’s warm. [pause] Awww human, what’s the matter? Is something bothering you? Awww I know what will make you feel better, look into my eyes [hypnosis effect] come with me, it’s okay. Take my hand and let’s go out to the balcony for some fresh air. You’re in good hands. *restaurant noises fade away*

*crickets fill the air* Hey it’s okay. This is just me. I wasn’t really expecting to live this long and be 24 for an extra 276 years so my being alive for so long has taken a toll on me. So how about I just do this and make it all go away. *vampire feeding* Ahhh that’s the stuff. Hey woah woah, take a seat. You look a bit pale. Here, take your cell phone and how about you call your doctor’s office and make yourself an appointment and while you’re at it, you strong generation-ed human, how about you tell the waiter that they messed up both your drink and food order. It’s only the Friday night 7 pm dinner rush and they just got 3 parties of 10. I’m sure they’ll be in the best of moods even though you’re the customer and it’s only their job to ensure you get the best quality service even when they’re in a bad mood. Hahaha this gets easier every time.