RAW SCRIPT : [ASMR] The Beginner Vampire Hunter's Guide [M4A] [Dark Comedy] [Male Vampire]

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Written By: Magdalena O.

▶ Original Upload Date: June 12th, 2023

Recently, everything in the world is getting more expensive. You're running out of money. And although you've seen an interesting loan offer, you don't want to take advantage of it. Admittedly, it offers you unfinished money for one signature, but you feel that this is a trick. Because you know you always have to pay. If something is free - you have to pay with your own soul. One morning you found a strange note at your door. It was a job advertisement. Unfortunately, there was no information about what work the note was about. Employers do not require experience, completed courses and they pay quite well. Admittedly, there was a warning that you could die on the job, but you thought it couldn't be worse than where you were employed a year ago. It was hell. You contacted the mysterious organization by sending an email. They replied almost immediately. You didn't expect to get a job so quickly. You got an article on how to become a vampire, which was written in broken English, and the "Beginner Vampire Hunter's Guide". You started reading.

Your friend asks if you don't have a bag of blood with you - your friend is not human anymore. You better watch out for him. If you know who becomes vampires and how to recognize them, it will be much easier for you to fight them. Vampires pose a threat to humans after they die, so it's easiest to take care of them when they die right away. The burial site is an important point. Ideally, the vampire's grave should be located behind a river or lake. Water is a protective barrier that evil creatures cannot cross. It is good when the grave is at a crossroads - the vampire will be lost and will not be able to find a way to go to people, drink their blood and hurt them, and also will not be able to do evil for them. There is other option, the body can be buried in the cemetery. However, it should be remembered that the coffin should be placed close to the cemetery wall or behind it. Not so long ago in Central and Eastern Europe, people believed that the dead should be buried in an upright position with the head facing the church or facing south, because the resurrected Christ walking from the south at the Last Judgment was to resurrect the faithful to eternal life. So vampires had to be fumbled the other way around - the head should be where the legs were, and the legs where the head was. Some buried people suspected of vampirism perpendicular to the rest of the graves, but the effectiveness of this procedure was not high, so it was rarely used. You can also lay their bodies on their stomachs, facing the ground. Some advice you to hit the vampire in the butt with a shovel. A vampire who does not see the moonlight breaking through the ground will not be aroused and will not rise from the grave.

Are they looking for a gravedigger or vampire hunters? Or maybe a priest? You laughed. Maybe it won't be part of your job after all.

Once you have chosen the place and the way of positioning the vampire's body, you can apply several treatments that will make it difficult for him to move. As a hunter, you can cut off a vampire's head with a spade. Put the severed head between his legs, under his arm, or in a separate grave. This procedure is not about preventing the head from fusing back together with the body, but about disturbing the order of things, creating chaos. You can also cut the tendons under the knee or burn the corpse. Binding his legs and arms will make it difficult for the vampire to move. Remember to tie it tight. Hunters often arrange sickles around their necks with the blade pointing downwards. The vampire will be decapitated while going out. In order to force a vampire not to leave the grave, you can put a piece of paper with the name Jesus, stones, pieces of iron in his mouth. You can immobilize the vampire with clay, which will create a thick crust on his body, or by using large boulders that will press him from above, preventing him from leaving. However, the most common method is to pierce the chest or head with a stake, but a long nail or knife will work just as well. It doesn't matter what material it is made of.

So it's true. Your new employers want you to be a gravedigger. But that's okay for you. For so much money ...

As additional prevention, you can give the vampire something to do. To do this, put the seeds of poppy seeds and millet in the grave. The vampire will have to count them every day until the end of the world. Or, you can put in a prayer card that does not contain the word "amen", so it will have no end. You can also put in twigs of thorny plants. However, remember not to put flowers and devotional items or everyday items, such as scissors or necklaces. There should be no shoes in the grave either. A vampire without shoes won't go far. In the case of children, egg shells should be placed in the grave or small coals should be sprinkled around the head and torso. However, remember to carefully fill the grave and compact the ground after finishing the work.

This all seems a little suspicious to you. Why is this organization looking for employees when there are so many options to stop a vampire? It is enough to scatter the poppy seeds and the vampire has to work until the end of the world. Besides, vampires are people - they have names and surnames, they have families and friends. They have their own lives, jobs and interests. You feel sorry for them. They are so similar to you.

However, if you failed to stop him in the grave and the vampire got out - it's good for you to know when he does. These creatures are stimulated by the moon, so they usually get up during the new moon or full moon. Once a month, on Thursday, they meet at a secret meeting, where they determine their next victims. They communicate in their vampire language there. They can also leave the tomb on Fridays. Vampires are sentimental, so they use their death anniversaries to go out and hurt people. Some types of vampires can influence the weather. Then they cause storms, blizzards and droughts, but they feel best when a strong wind blows, so they most often cause it. They can also sense death, especially sudden death. The hunter should then be prepared for a vampire attack. Sometimes vampires who come out of the grave never come back.

Hmm ... If some vampires control the weather, can they be bribed to limit natural disasters? There is so much talk about global warming. Or maybe it is the hot feelings of vampires that are warming our planet?

People with two hearts and two souls became vampires - one of them went to the afterlife, and the other, often unbaptized, stayed on the earth and took over the body. A popular way is to use the monster's fear of crosses, holy water, rosaries and other sacred items. Unfortunately, this didn't work for all vampires. In the case of the Slavs, it was possible to chase away a vampire by slapping him with the left hand. Another method to prevent a vampire from coming out of the grave is to perform two exorcisms over the vampire, and then baptize his other soul, giving him a name. The ritual could be performed while a person was still alive, then baptism or confirmation was enough. During this last ritual, one can notice a similarity to anti-vampiric procedures - a person gets a new name, and in old ceremonies the bishop gently touched the cheek of the faithful. This can be easily compared to slapping a vampire to chase him away. Today the bishop blesses without touching his cheek, but by placing his hands on his head.

Okay, now it's a joke. Are you supposed to slap a vampire? Someone who can suck your blood out of you in the blink of an eye, who's faster, stronger - you should slap? Just slap? Without any weapons? Without silver ammunition? Or even without a wooden stake?

To defeat a vampire, you must lie in his coffin until dawn, necessarily with your face down. Inhabitants of Podhale in southern Poland recommend to catch a vampire with a underwear belt.

You laughed. Is this really a hunters' guide? Are you supposed to hunt a vampire with a panty eraser? Are you supposed to catch vampires with your bare ass? How can this work? That a vampire would be frightened by nudity?

Among the Slavs, children were particularly vulnerable to vampire attacks. In order to protect them from attack, it was necessary to tie a red ribbon on the hand of a child, and in the old days also not to pour out the water from their bath after sunset and not to wash them on Friday. Ribbons on the hands of babies are common to this day. Remember that these monsters like to hide. Since antiquity, vampires have been able to change their form. The ancient Romans believed that the dead would return as birds to suck their blood. These birds are called strix, that is, the owl. These animals grow up to large sizes, their hooting can be heard from a distance of one kilometer. They also do not avoid people's surroundings, often living in attics. Vampires could not only transform into tawny owls, but also into other creatures. The most popular blood-drinking animals are bats. The popularity of their selection increased with the news of blood-drinking bats living in America. Stories about them were usually told by Spanish and Portuguese sailors in the 16th century. The female type of vampire - the mara - can turn into a moth, mosquito, mouse, horse, but also objects like thread, straw or needle. Small forms helped her slide into the houses through the tiniest crack. People broke the threads and straw because they could summon her. Any animal that sneaked into the apartment uninvited in the evening was killed or thrown outside. The presence of a cat or a dog helped to hunt for her. There were many ways to cheat the mare: by turning the bed 180 degrees so that the head was where the legs were, or by moving the bed to a different location. Even sleeping in the right position would help ward off her. People slept with their legs crossed or on their stomachs, and they were not allowed to move their toes at bedtime. It was a good idea to draw a protective circle around the bed using holy chalk. The chalk had to be blessed on January 6 in the church (Feast of the Three Kings who made gifts to Jesus in Bethlehem). People smeared feces on their hands before going to bed, and garlic on their breasts or spoke spells. Near the bed, they would put an ax with the blade pointing upwards, thorns, wire brushes, fresh calamus, dried herbs or brooms, so that when she showed up, they would use these items as a weapon against her. As a last resort, she could be bribed so that she would not choke people in their sleep, would not drink blood, would not tangle people's hair. Its victims fell not only people, but also animals, plants, and even stones and water. In Slavic culture, every woman is a bit of a mare.

Wait what? You don't believe what you just read. So now you should suspect all the people on earth and animals? It's ridiculous.

Vampires can use their powers like hypnosis, flying, invisibility, changing into animals, resistance to wounds. This helps them survive. Remember that some vampires do not reflect in the mirror.

Yes, it is a useful skill. They may not improve their hairstyle or makeup, but no one will see them sneaking around. *tone of incoming message* Here you are, you have your first job.

Hello hunter! You are already a member of our organization! This is your lucky day! We've got a job for you - kill a vampire. You don't have to look for it, just look in the mirror. Oh, he doesn't have a reflection? Oops, well… good luck! *the sound of the fangs extending*

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