Monthly Livestream Part 2!
Added 2020-12-12 00:07:28 +0000 UTCCome hangout as I answer the second half of the questions :) xoxo
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Thank you for answering my question!
Throwaway543210
2020-12-12 04:44:57 +0000 UTCQ17: 00.49 I started counseling/ therapy in 3rd grade and still going. I was sexually abused by my father for many years as a child. I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 1988, and about 2 years after that, borderline personality disorder! For all these years I have been working very hard in therapy. I’ve been in all sorts of different groups, and have learned TONS of coping skills. I use the skills when needed. Thoughts of self harm still come up and suicidal thoughts, even stronger still come up frequently. My question is, will I always have thoughts of hurting myself and thoughts of suicide for the rest of my life? Will I ever be able to tie a long period of time together where neither one of those will enter my mind? Q18: 06.11 How does working with emotion regulation usually look like in therapy? I tried asking my therapist once if we could begin working on emotion regulation, because I didn't feel like we did, and she responded in a way that made me think she didn't feel like we should do that. She explained that we used to pause the session and she let me go out in the hallway and collect myself when it became too much. Is going out of the room and collecting yourself the only thing you can do? I felt afraid of doing it. What should I expect from a therapist when it comes to this? Q19: 13.57 I love what I do. I love writing. I used to post multiple times a week on instagram. But since the beginning of October, I've been slacking. I've posted a total of 3 times since then. Each day, I should be able to write for an hour. I really don't have that much going on that I can't. I want to and I should be able to but I don’t. I honestly have no idea why it’s so hard for me to do. I'm not busy or depressed. It’s so frustrating to go to bed everyday knowing that I did nothing that I planned to do that day. I know everyone has different amounts of energy and limits of stuff they can do in a day. I definitely can’t do as much as average people can do in a day. I have no set schedule and no one to hold me accountable if I don't get something done. If I do it, great. If I don't, I don't. But I want to. Like I said, I love what I do. I love helping people with my experience and knowledge. It's what gives me purpose, it makes me happy. It would be like, you just stop posting videos. I don't know why I'm struggling with this. Q20: 18.05 Every time I get close to making a decision, I think of a billion things to counter it. I'm finding it hard to know what is best for me and what I want when there are so many people involved. My question is, how do you make a decision based on what's best for you when there are so many other people involved? Or even begin to know what it is you want? Totally unrelated but something I always wonder...how do you remember so many details about everyone?! I'm always amazed by your ability to recall so many details about so many people so quickly! Q21: 24.36 I have one therapy session left before we break up for a few weeks for Christmas. I know it's only for a few weeks but I reached a really low point a few weeks ago and didn't make the healthiest choices. Can you please advise how someone can prepare themselves for their first therapy break..what can I do in my last session to prepare myself? I'm feeling very confused about the whole thing as logically I am only missing a few weeks but what if the therapist chooses not to come back after the break as I'm too much of a burden or something happens during the break? My therapist says it's OK for me to contact her during the break if I feel bad but I would like to avoid doing that and let her enjoy her break. I don't really know why I am so nervous, I know I should be able to handle a few weeks...please help me figure this out!! Q22: 30.00 So, had my session and shit didn't go down too well. Basically I was frustrated that I'm in transition again between school and finding a job, and I'm in a place where if I do a job that's mindless and not in my field of interest, my mental health suffers. I was 'putting words in her mouth' for the entire session.... I could tell I was getting on her nerves... And I feel real bad. Usually I have control over it. Usually it's banter, or I'm doing it to get a reaction from her, but this time I didn't even realise that that was what I was doing. A couple of people hypothesized that I might be unintentionally making her into the enemy by twisting her words, coz if she's being a dick in my mind and she's the enemy, then I won't care when she leaves.... Which makes a lot of sense. It's just so weird that I didnt' realise what was happening when it was going on. This whole situation of her leaving, and me trying to depart with her amicably is turning into a slow-mo train wreck that I'm watching happen and feel like I can't do anything to stop it. I don't know how to bring that stuff up in session because I just freeze and shut down. Or I don't even realise it's happening and can't put words to it. Q23: 38.21 What do you know of hypnosis to overcome barriers? I need to have a pelvic exam, the first since my rape and I tried a few times and couldn’t do it. I went back to therapy, talked about it and felt ready, but then tried again and failed. Someone recommended hypnosis to help and I went to a session and hated it! I feel like my problem now is physical not mental, as I’m on top of my relaxation techniques etc, but as soon as the doctor hears of my history, they say my problem is psychological. I’m sure there’s some overlap between the two, but I’m finding hypnosis hokey and not sure it’s helping. Do I just persevere to say I’ve ticked it off and then someone might listen to me? Because I feel all I need is a muscle relaxant and the exam would work… Q24: 43.30 After losing my job in November, my father in October and myself (sept) due to (undiagnosed flare up of cptsd) And now moving House in December! I find I am dealing with Resistance that affects executive functioning when trying to do things and make changes..I know what and how to do stuff but when I am mentally alert my body Resists with muscle tension and Pain or weakness or fatigue that occurs after a short period of activity. Or, When I am Physically alert, able and ready to get stuff done, part of me mentally resists with Low Mood, cognitive dissonance (sometimes mini Disassociation responses ) procrastination that lingers too long turns into. A guilt-blame and shame cycle and freeze and then nothing gets done. Why is there a disconnect with the mind and body? Is there anything that can help challenge the resistance? Q25: 47.37 During my junior/senior years of high school one of my brother’s friends moved into my house. He grew up in a foster home on the other side of our neighborhood. He had a hard life and partied/did drugs during high school, but when he was living with us he was doing better and had a (kind of) stable home, probably for the first time. During this same time frame, my grandma passed away and my parents separated. I had a really hard time with this friend living with us. He and my brother constantly had their friends over at the house, and I always felt uncomfortable and like I had to be up in my room. I think I also told myself that he was putting stress on our family, and if he moved out I thought my parents might get back together. After a year and a half my mom told my brother’s friend he had to move out. I don’t remember exactly why, but I do remember that I so badly wanted him to and I told my mom how I felt. Once he moved out, he started using drugs, abusing alcohol and getting into trouble. Ever since then, I feel incredibly guilty for not accepting him more, and I wonder if I had just not tried to make him move out if he could have finished school and his life would have been better. How do I get over the guilt of not having been more accepting to him and stop blaming myself for his life being messed up? Q26: 54.09 Where are emotions stored? In our minds? Or In our bodies? I relate "feeling" something to being physical, not imagined or thought of. Yet, it seems like my mind is where I have to pull these feelings from. But then that seems to be a thought, not a feeling. All of this "feeling" and "thinking" and "thinking" ABOUT "feeling" has me thinking at 2 a.m. how I'm always confusing thoughts with feelings. I'm having to do A LOT of emotional regulation and can't seem to get my mind around where my emotions actually are sitting and why I struggle so much to let them surface and why I'm constantly trying to control them by holding them back at the same dang time I'm consciously trying to allow them to surface. I know my mind is my enemy's playground...I just need the mary-go- round to slow down a hot minute and let me feel wherever the emotions I need to process through, tap in to wherever it's stored and stop fighting myself to stop it. This CBT stuff is confusing AND irritating at times. Q27: 59.30 Could you please unpack the topic of self-soothing a little? Why do we do it? Is self-soothing the same as grounding or an aspect of re-parenting yourself? I get so frustrated when my therapist mentions that I am doing a behaviour that is so-called, ‘soothing myself’. Why does she have to point that out anyway? Q28: 1.03.57 Last month I asked about therapy and if I had to go... you told me yes because even though I say I'm okay sometimes it's not enough... well of course you’re right. Everything has gotten worse, I am managing to go to work and get to training. But showering and functioning and actually training properly not so much... but my eating disorder has started coming back. I'm an international level figure skater. I can't stop competing or training or coaching... I can't eat... I haven't told my coaches. They know about when I was a teenager and know I have mental health issues... but how do I tell them about this? Q29: 1.08.08 We've all had a bit of a shit year this year thanks to the global pandemic but mine has been even worse thanks to the mental health situation, bpd diagnosis and everything else that goes with it. I've tried lots of medications but I finally think that I've found a combination that seems to be working and over the last week or so I seem to be dealing with things a lot better thanks to the meds and therapy. Every now and then though, I get these feelings where I kind of feel a little guilty for getting better. It's like my brain is constantly trying to self sabotage and remind me of the crappy year that I've had even though I'm trying my hardest to get past that. Is there an easy way to stop myself from self sabotaging and the guilty feelings that I'm having, or is it something that I just have to work on over time in therapy? Q30: 1.20.48 I've been having an issue opening up in therapy. Last year I worked with a therapist but at the beginning of this year she had to move out of state. She referred me to someone else who I worked with for a few months. We weren't a good fit but because I had just been working with someone I trusted, out of habit, I told her a lot. I always felt worse telling her anything and ultimately regret working with her as long as I did. Eventually she referred me out. I've been working with a new therapist for a few weeks and so far it's gone better. I'm still having a hard time opening up normally. Whenever I try to open up I'm scared it will go bad again and I say nothing. How do I learn to build trust again? Q31: 1.16.27 Is there any way to prepare people, that are close to me, for my suicide. I don’t want anyone to suffer because of my decision or to think that they could do something to stop me. How would you communicate to someone that it was your decision, your responsibility and nobody could stop you? Q32: 1.20.45 I think I've just run out of things to say in therapy. I'm not fixed, I'm still experiencing some really rotten symptoms of traumatic grief but I just can't be broken into or unlocked. I don't think the breakthroughs are possible. I've talked about everything I can think of, it's not directed therapy with goals and so forth so maybe that's it. I'm more frustrated that I just can't get more fixed. I'm fixed enough to live a pretty good life (as long as it's not winter - urrrgghhhh!) and I am used to not sleeping well and crying at music. I've got medication for that. I get a 5 week break now and I don't mind. I don't like being frustrated and I don't like not being able to ever see a way out. It's not something like an eating disorder where you know people have gotten better and you have clear goals. Anyway - is it worth continuing? Q33: 1.24.25 I have this really strong want for my T to worry about me/tell me she's proud of me. I'm not really sure why but I keep looking for it & trying to seek this from her. Q34: 1.28.29 In short, I was wondering about "Regression" what is, and why is it something we do? Is it like TV would have us think where someone experiences a stressful event that sends them back to childhood defense mechanisms as a way of coping, or is it more subtle like having a "fit" when things don't go our way? Q36: 1.32.06 Hope you're doing well. I have a complicated relationship with social media. 2016 was when my depression was at its worst and I stopped uploading to social media and deleted my Facebook. I usually posted more on sites like tumblr and Instagram, but haven't posted since. I also pushed all of my friends away and I've had strained relationships since. I would like to return to social media one day, but I get a lot of anxiety at the thought of seeing an account of someone who used to be in my life in my recommended or as a friend/follow request. While I'm in no rush to go back, I wanted to ask what advice you had regarding social media, mental health, and having a positive experience with all of this whenever I decide to start posting again. Q.35: 1.38.27 I remember you saying in the AKA videos that if our coping skills don't suffice or if we find that we need so much self-care we don't manage our daily responsibilities we need more help. Now my problem is: 'Help' seems to really wipe me out. I get socially exhausted from it. In the end rather than it helping it seems to deplete my energy, which is a bit of a problem because having low energy is one of my main issues in the first place.I don't really know how to manage that. I have pretty low social, executive functioning and sensory spoons and appointments take a real lot of these. I also don't really know how someone would be able to make things easier for me. Just knowing I need to be with someone and stay present for like that hour or so and get ready for the appointment and plan my day accordingly and be on time and I need to talk and listen that's like already enough for me to get stressed out. When I'm in a really bad place also I can go mute or I can get very child-like and my concentration goes down a lot so that affects my ability to communicate a lot, so that's not particularly helpful. So I wonder: How do I manage that? How do I go about that 'needing more help' when 'getting help' makes me feel so bad? Just so you know: I do tend to make notes beforehand, but I can struggle to find an opening to talk about them or get really anxious about something I wrote short-hand and then end up just talking about the least important note for all session.
Katie K
2020-12-12 02:56:46 +0000 UTC
