Monthly Livestream!! Happening Now!

Q1. 08.41 - I have recently been feeling anger more easily and getting into more arguments with friends. The last six months have been rough. I do not normally get angry easily. There are people who have been my friends for years who have never seen me get angry. Something seems to have changed. I don't want to end up with fewer friends, especially as I have never had a romantic partner and relations with my family are complicated by my father's alcoholism. The obvious answer might be to suppress anger, but then I don't want to become a pushover as that would have its own emotional problems. How do I strike the right balance? Q2. 16.02 - My question is about eating disorder behaviour again. I have somehow gone from bingeing on really unhealthy food and almost not even noticing what I am doing until it's too late to bingeing on food that is actually super healthy and consciously noticing what I am doing every second that I am doing it. I hate it because it's almost like I can watch myself binge eating but I don't have enough self control to stop myself. I don't really understand why if I am so conscious about what I am doing in the moment I can't figure out how to stop myself. I feel like I am driving myself crazy. Q3. 23.00 - I want to ask about motivation and how I need a "chip on my shoulder" in order to push myself? In all my examples I have extreme amounts of motivation to beat the ever living hell out of any expectations set for me, but most of the time once I get there and surpass them I either walk away or get to where I don't feel numb about the activity. Clearly this isn't healthy, and the thing is I don't know how to find motivation otherwise, how can I find that want to do when I don't have doubts about my capabilities? Q4. 33.10 - I talk to my therapist in my head frequently. At first, it was a helpful way to frame talking to myself, continuing to process things I am working on in therapy, but sometimes it's too much. I can't be in therapy 24/7. Why, in my quiet moments, does the voice in my head always return to me talking to my therapist? I'd like to develop some new tools. Q5. 43.40 - How do you go about figuring out the question, “Who Am I?” I’ve realised recently through conversations with my support worker and therapist, that I really don’t know who I am as a person. For example, my support worker recently asked me, “What do you like to do?” and I couldn’t come up with an answer for her. I’ve always just gone along with what everyone else wants and been okay with that. It’s almost like I don’t have opinions of my own and I often go completely blank when asked what I want to do. I guess I just don’t know how to work through some things so I can start to realise who I am as a person, what I like/don’t like and even figure out my core beliefs/values, as right now, I have no idea! Q6. 53.05 - What are some ways to work through triggers without completely shutting down? I am about to start my masters program in clinical mental health and am taking a substance use disorders elective before I start this fall. The substance I chose to focus my paper and presentation on is methamphetamine. I know very little about the drug but have a past with it, as my ex started using after we broke up. Learning about the neurological changes and side effects of using this drug and being able to connect what the research says to what I witnessed is really triggering. Reading research on this substance sends me into flashbacks. How do I get through these assignments? I want to shut down. Q7. 59.30 - I’m coming back to work on Monday. After over a year on furlough. I wasn’t perfect before, but I’m really spinning down again in the last few weeks. I think going back to work might be the reason. I’m so scared, but I don’t even know what I’m scared of. Even during the worst hit of the pandemic I wasn’t so scared of going out of the house. I’m scared that I wouldn’t manage and I would fail and lose my job. I’m still in therapy, but I would not be able to afford it if I don’t work. I’m struggling a lot. Any thoughts on how to make it a little bit easier? Q8. 1.07.00 - My question is - part A - How do I cope with knowing that my family are having depressive episodes and they are not willing to seek help - and part B - How do I know where to draw the line between family and doing what is best for my mental health? Q9. 1.12.20 - I have started an online support group for depression and it's my first online group. I found it very hard to handle the many silences. I don't want to talk but I feel the need to fill the silence so it's not awkward but we are supposed to share the time. How can I let the silence be without it feeling awkward? Part of the issue is that I get so focused on the awkward silence and I miss some of what is being talked about. Q10. 1.19.01 - Quite a while ago when I first told my therapist about my food restriction and asked if it was an ED, she said she would rather not put a label on it. She said there was restriction happening but she wanted to get to the root of it rather than slap a diagnosis on it. I totally understand and am on board with all of that. However, I’m beginning to realize that without language to talk about this issue, it makes it harder to bring it up. If we do call it an ED does that mean she has to make an official diagnosis? And how do I open this conversation? Q11. 1.25.43 - My brother has been dating his girlfriend for about five years and I think she’s a nice person but I have a hard time trusting her. She has a very outgoing personality and is very loud. She loves to tell stories. Sometimes it seems like she has a story for everything anyone else says. She constantly says “one time..” followed by some crazy story that most of the time I don’t believe. My mom says she likes to “embellish” but I think she makes stuff up. She seems to thrive in drama. She is always talking about drama in her own family, and sometimes I think she tries to stir up drama in ours. Both my parents are in new relationships, my older brother is married with two wonderful kids, everything is finally mostly stable and everyone is pretty much happy. The last thing we need is her creating drama where it is not needed. Unfortunately, they have been dating so long that I don’t think his girlfriend is going anywhere so how do I work towards accepting her but also deal with her tendency to lie and stir chaos? Q12. 1.34.45 - How do I allow myself to cry at home? I have no trouble crying in therapy (every freakin’ session!) but there are times when I’m at home and I know that all I need is to cry and it would help me, but I can’t do it. I was always called out for being “too sensitive” and now I’m so negative to myself for needing to cry. How do I overcome these feelings and allow myself to feel safe and soothed enough to cry alone? Q13. 1.40.37 - For therapy to be successful the right fit as the therapist is key, but what could one do if - for a lack of better words - there just aren’t any vibes happening? I guess to switch therapists would be the obvious answer, however, what if that’s not possible? I am currently in treatment at a partial hospital program for BPD where you get assigned a fixed treatment team for the entire duration. It is very difficult for me to open up and trust people unless I feel a connection pretty much instantaneously like love at first sight. They’re nice and all, mean well, but I just can’t seem to feel any connection which causes me to wall up completely and we sit in an awkward silence most of the hour. I tried addressing it, but there is no way to switch to a different therapist while in the program. Do you have any tips to improve the connection, open up more, and get through these awkward sessions alright? How long does it usually take for such a connection to form? Q14. 1.47.47 - I don’t really know how to put what I’m thinking into words, but I constantly want bad things to happen to me. I imagine scenarios that can be very detailed of what I wish would happen and could happen. The thoughts can get overwhelming and once it starts and I go down the rabbit hole of the thoughts. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with those thoughts or how to cope because I think these thoughts are my coping mechanism too. I have had these thoughts since my mom passed in 2012 when I was 17. These thoughts have been up and down throughout the years, but right now it’s a lot to handle. I don’t know if it’s because I didn’t grieve the loss of my mom or if it’s something else that’s going on. Q15. 1.51.04 - How do I keep from letting how the other people are doing in treatment affect me? The treatment center im at is very autonomous, I came in determined to complete all meals and snacks without supplementing and so far I have but there is one person who has refused a single bite of food and refused supplements for every single meal and snack since I’ve arrived and it is really triggering, as well as the fact the staff don’t always finish their meals. I’m in a constant struggle about whether to stay in treatment and I can’t stop comparing myself to the other people. I feel like I made my eating disorder up and I shouldn’t be here. Is it possible I don’t need this level of care and that I’d be fine going back home? Q16. 1.55.04 - I think I just stumbled across something on Google that has intrigued me, keeping in mind this is another one of those ambien induced questions. What are your thoughts on psychedelics in conjunction with therapy? I mean, reading this article makes me think “maybe my inner child just needs to go on a trip so I can process my trauma?!?! I know I’m probably too chicken to try it, but the article has me intrigued.

Katie K