Monthly Livestream Part 2!!

Q17. 00.17 - I had some amazing news this week after applying for jobs for so long due to being made redundant due to Covid, I finally got a new position as a Deputy General Manager in a Restaurant and Lounge. I know I should be super excited and I am! However, I seem to have a pattern of self sabotaging myself about 5 months into jobs where my BPD brain takes over and I start to think that everyone hates me and that I am not welcome, so I end up leaving as the depression really kicks in. I’m not a control freak and always have a good relationship with my team so I know it has to be me self sabotaging. I know you say to be a detective and look for facts but I get so tunnel visioned. I know I am in a much better position in this job as I have a better support system around me and I am planning to work in therapy on this. I’m super excited but also absolutely terrified that my paranoia will kick in. What advice can you give me so that I don’t self sabotage and don’t let my BPD brain take charge. Q18. 08.00 - My therapist the other day said that it is hard for me to see the biggest picture because I am still in crisis and i was just wondering what that actually means and how it’s determined if you’re in crisis. How do you know when you’re out of a crisis/ how long does it take to get out? Q19. 14.50 - Am I a germaphobe now and if so, forever? More aptly it should be called virophobe, all things considered. I was diligent before all of the covid changes we had to make and had a healthy respect of the unhealthiness of shopping cart handles and public restroom facilities, for example. But now, even after I have had my vaccines, I hesitate to not be wearing a mask indoors with people and never leave without hand sanitizer in my pocket. I fear I will become so obsessive about germs that I may never be able to go back to my previous comfort level. Q20. 21.03 - For two years I felt like my therapist didn't understand me, I felt that things she did were hurtful. Despite watching Katies videos and podcast - where she kept talking about what might be signs that your relationship with your therapist might not be good - that the relationship isn't working. I spent my days between sessions in a swirling vortex, sometimes I couldn't stand upright, but I did not understand that this was not a good sign. I'm just wondering.. how on earth have I managed to live like this for two years and not understand that this is damaging, and wont help me get better? I'm not sure how I can practically write that I feel like she does not understand what she is doing, but not see that I needed to tell her that I experienced this. I am used to living in relationships that are very overwhelming, and I was not taught that feeling really really bad, was in fact bad, and something that I held the power to do anything about, especially not if it was another person making me feel like that. Actually my father controlled me like a robot, I'm not sure I learned that I could do anything about anything, most of the time I wasnt thinking I was just there waiting for his mind to tell me what to do. Does it make any sense that this explains how I can be so blind that I don't come to the conclusion that I have to get away from a situation, or a person that makes me feel terrible? Q21. 25.27 - I seem to suffer from irrational social embarrassment and I'd like it to stop. I am currently dating a woman who has an autoimmune disorder. She's missing her eyebrows, is partially bald, and has extensive inflammation on her face. She's also a really good girlfriend. I know that I shouldn't, but sometimes I feel embarrassed when I go out with her. Rationally, I know that anyone who would judge me, or her, is an asshole whose opinion is worthless, but irrationally I feel embarrassed. How do I get rid of this totally irrational, stupid, no good embarrassment? Q22. 31.36 - Our session this week fell on a holiday and my therapist decided she doesn’t want to reschedule it. Probably to give me a little break and some time to process, but it also kinda feels like she’s putting me on timeout..I SH again and was super dissociated last session, and she pretty much gave me the “I’m not disappointed, but I know you know better” including a big chunk of tough love. Challenging me whether I actually want to feel and not to be dissociated; Challenging whether there was actually a reason for it or if it is just a reflex by now; Challenging whether we should just save the energy of bringing me back, when I pull the ripcord in the next moment anyway, and so on.. I’m wondering how to know if I’m challenging myself enough and would appreciate some ideas on how to give my emotions some outlet when I don’t really feel like I’m having a lot of energy. Q23. 40.01 - I want to understand if it's unhealthy if I still haven't /can't grieve from losing Dad at the end of October. This month will be the 6th but during the same time I had a traumatic work situation which interrupted /prevented me from processing losing my Dad. I just feel disconnected and numb when I do think about it.. and I feel like as though I am getting on with normal life but its like it's too normal or robotic. All my energy is in my job.. then there's not much left even though I have lots of ideas and goals and interests for a happier life. Then I remember Dad's not here anymore. Q24. 43.08 - Is it possible that by settling boundaries you’re actually being an arsehole? Daisy is 6 weeks old now and her dad all of a sudden wants to see her. Im kind of worried that this boundary is a trauma response (control everything so nothing bad can happen) and I’m being overly cautious. Am I being the selfish arsehole by putting the girls, uni and me I guess, first because it feels icky and like I’m doing something wrong by setting boundaries. I just don’t want the girls to grow up worrying about being safe like I had to. 25. 47.58 - I have police interviews coming up over the next few days and wondering how much to share with them about my dissociation before the interview when having to talk through heavy topics or triggering questions so I don’t come across as avoiding their questions. Do you have any advice on what/how much to say before I start so I can get through the interview without shutting down so much? Q26. 51.14 - Wondering if you could talk a little bit about therapy once out of crisis. I have always been kind of in crisis when going to my appointments but now I am feeling more stable. I almost feel like I have to be in crisis to warrant being in therapy. It almost feels pointless...I know it's not but it's hard talking myself out of going down that thought spiral. Q27. 54.44 - I struggle with black and white thinking and feel that it could stem from my strict religious upbringing. I'm trying to find more balance and am talking about this in therapy but I wanted to ask for tips that could help me manage my thoughts. What advice do you have that would help me shift my perspective and live a more balanced life in the gray? Q28. 1.04.45 – Im always trying to read my therapists body language during sessions to see if shes bored, stressed, distracted etc. I do this with most people in my life but its worse/maximised with her. Its exhausting always trying to do this, any advice?

Katie K