'In Limbo: Self-Portrait at 24'

'In Limbo: Self-Portrait at 24', painted with oil on a 16x20" panel. Though it needs a final varnish and some re-touch, it is, for all intended purposes, complete.

I always manage to finish one last painting before my birthday; for me, April is naturally a month of reflection and re-evaluation, an opportunity to make necessary pivots for the betterment of my artistry. Of course, one should always consider how they can improve, but this piece in particular sparked an insightful introspection I may not have otherwise had. As the name suggests 'In Limbo' is meant to convey a sense of uncertainty, unease, or indecision (the lattermost of which seems particularly relevant to me).

After several arduous years of arduous practice, study, frustration, and failure, I finally managed to become a professional artist via fine art and, more recently, convention vending. Unfortunately, as I receive additional opportunities, my time is stretched to a near limit, forcing me to accept the impasse I've actively overlooked: I can commit to fine art, or furry/ fantasy illustration, however, I can't reach my full potential in either if I attempt to evenly split my efforts between them, especially not amidst my literary and musical commitments.

When I pose the question to myself, 'Which should I pursue?', the answer seems abundantly clear: I only became a fine artist to monetize my academic studies while I developed as a fantasy-realist painter; my true goal is to create immersive windows into fantastical worlds, not to draw figures in blank voids, or arbitrary portraits. A conflict only arises when others (unaware of my actual ambitions), express hope in my fine art prospects: I'm invited to exhibitions, I'm introduced to renowned painters, wealthy patrons, presidents of prominent organizations, I've even received interviews for magazines and local news segments. Predictably, I'm lured back to conventional art, not for my enjoyment, but to avoid disappointing the people who expect highly of me...in fact, the only reason I started this piece, despite my lacking interest, was to follow a historical art tradition set by former classical-realist painters; in hindsight, it's obvious why I felt a constant sense of dissatisfaction, as if my time was ill-placed.

Be unmistaken, I'm proud of what I was able to accomplish with 'In Limbo'; it's a 16x20" oil painting completed in ten sessions thanks to my new, more efficient process, but how my mind constantly wandered to what I could've been painting instead. 'Rather than make a self-portrait, I could be painting an Ursine rushing through a river or amid an epic hunt. I could draw a tense confrontation between characters from one of my stories, an epic battle, or an eerie, mysterious foe, yet to be braved by the protagonist; or, perhaps I could've used these ten sessions to create old master copies to step ever closer to technical mastery!'...So many ideas captivated me, yet each was delayed for the sake of an image I didn't entirely want to make. This was not the path my art was meant to take—no, 'fine art' was meant to be a tool to expand my knowledge and enhance my skills, a means to an end, not the end itself.

I need to accept I'm not a fine artist: I don't primarily paint to sell in galleries nor to impersonate a false impression of myself to satisfy those I can't be authentic with—I paint to accurately capture moments from my imagination, to tell stories, then share them with a community who will show a sincere appreciation. Midwest Furfest, and each fur con after, proved, without a doubt, where I and my art truly belong. I want to be a skilled academic and fantasy realist painter, but when all is said and done, I'm fundamentally a furry artist; it's about time I embrace it, not pander to others for the sake of superficial acceptance.

'In Limbo' marks the end of my indecision; expect substantial changes to both my fantasy art and academic studies to better suit my artistic aspirations...

-Soic