BlogPost: Checking in, what's going on?

Hey everyone,

First of all.. I'm sorry. I know you guys are not the sort to pressure or even feel ill towards me for this lull in content, but, I'm still sorry for it. It's not how I want this place to be, nor my relationship with all of you to be a silent one. And, I'd be lying if typing this all out was not difficult for me (but why??). I feel like I've been stuck in a rut lately. And, I do acknowledge that some of this actually ISN'T bad. But, some of it has become so.

The first thing I needed to admit to myself was this: I needed a break. A real one. Maybe if I had acknowledged this sooner, I'd have been able to enjoy the time and relax. But, instead I grew shameful for needing that time. Which, in turn, made me feel as though I didn't take the time I actually needed (though I didn't realize this til more recently.. in the moment it just snowballed) so that time effectively extended itself, until I could become more healthy within my own mind about the situation itself.

This leads to the second thing I needed to admit. My personal life was changing. Things have evolved in my home quite a bit and, without going into too much detail, I do mean the changes that happened involving my relationship and where I am RIGHT NOW.

I found that I was using gaming and my gaming friends to distract myself from dealing with the emotional hurdles of living alone again. I turned to World of Warcraft and buried myself in the challenge of some of the endgame content (completing dungeons at the higher difficulties as well as the raid before the "season" ended for some in-game achievements). While this was incredibly time consuming, I realize I clung to it so hard because of how much it occupied my mind away from fixating on depressive things. I was not letting the situation consume me. And, while I was not being productive with my artwork, I was being productive in a way that made it so I didn't slip too far into depression. It’s a bit bittersweet. I’m glad I took the time to reconnect with my friends I’d met in game, reminded myself that even when time passes people still care about me and that I do have a lasting effect on people, actually. You guys are no different in that respect but sometimes a reminder that does not involve my artwork is something I need. I honestly sometimes struggle with the thought that I’m nothing without my artwork. I know, it’s stupid. None of you have made me feel like our friendship is contingent on my artwork and it’s creation but sometimes that feeling sets in.. and I think I need to work on reminding myself of that sometimes. And I think curating how I interact socially online will help. Less Twitter, more discord. Less art only, more interaction just on human levels.. so..

Some of you may have noticed that I’ve wiped my Twitter and have locked it as well. As of now, it’s going to remain as such. The catalyst for that action was indeed feeling worthless without creation but I’ve since thought more on it and I’m glad I did it. I had nearly a decade of tweets on that account, pain from my dad’s passing, things that happened good and bad. I needed a clean slate. And not some archive of my personal thoughts out there for anyone to thumb through like a catalog. It’s not something I want the public to be able to just access and potentially use to hurt me down the line. I never said anything problematic or controversial but it occurred to me that I was making my personal life too accessible to just anyone who may want to go digging. So, going forward, my Twitter is going to be less of a space I use actively. I’ll post some art there and stuff but I’m gonna transition to using FA or something similar to post artwork that I’d otherwise be posting on Twitter. Things will remain the same here and this site as well as our discord will be my main spaces for artwork sharing and interaction.

This leads me to another thought that’s been prevailing lately involving how I interact online. Twitter definitely does not make me enjoy the fandom. I’m not over here wishing for a “uwu I’m a pawsitive pupper” experience, but the level of negativity present and the proclivity of showcasing the most horrible people has left a sour taste in my mouth and a need to separate myself from the fandom as a whole. I want to refocus myself on our community here, and the artist community in the fandom as well. I don’t want to play the popularity games on Twitter, I don’t want to keep seeing these horrible abusive people being in the spotlight, I don’t want to feel like the fandom is a safe space for animal abuse and other horrific things but the nature of Twitter makes it feel like the fandom is a horrible place. It really makes it feel like the kind of community people accuse us of having. I know this isn’t the truth. I just need to make sure I’m not falling into the traps. I know there are good places and amazing people in furry. All of you here prove that as concretely true.

But I don’t think furry has to be anything other than what I make it, for my own personal enjoyment. I’m gonna keep drawing anthro content cause it’s what I love. I’m gonna keep enjoying fursuits and I’m definitely going to continue to enjoy that this fandom truly loves creativity and artwork. We are a group of people who care for one another on many levels and selflessly will create a safe space for one another just because it’s the right thing to do in this world that will drop you for the smallest misstep. This community as a whole sees people for who they are and not the color of their skin, or where they’re from. That really is furry. And that’s what I need to refocus myself on remembering.

I’ve been really introspective in this time I’ve been more quiet. And while it started for a reason that was rather negative, I’ve learned and grown in this time in ways I’m thankful for. So, thank you all for sticking by my side in this time. Thank you all for checking in on me and making sure I don’t feel alone. Thank you all for being part of my life not just because of what I create but for who I am.

So, now’s your turn. How are you? How have you been?

I can’t wait to hear back from you.

-G