An Abridged Story of my Life Experiences and why mental health advocacy is so important [how this relates to my public hiatus]

TW: child abuse, eating disorders, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, mental health, healthcare system, gaslighting

it's kind of wild to have two drs finally give you an official diagnosis for something you've had basically your ENTIRE life [or literally your entire life]

that you struggled, thinking that 'life feeling impossible' was just... how it was..? that you were just lazy or stupid or obnoxious or bitchy or sensitive or overreacting.

that 'try harder' is not in fact the answer.

it took a lot for me to finally try because for so long i was taught that it was all in my head.

yeah turns out that's exactly where ADHD and PTSD are.

I am very very thankful to have someone in my life who took me seriously when i sort of 'jokingly' brought it up in passing a few weeks ago.. a defense mechanism that i developed from years of psychological abuse and gaslighting. an entire childhood and young adulthood of 

you're fine

ew why are you acting like that

try harder

you talk too much

you're just lazy

you just don't want to be better

you're just looking for excuses

stop blaming other things

that's not what really happened [fun fact. I'm good at acting because i had to learn to exactly mimic the way my father's ex wife said something or she would try and gaslight me] 

I am living with the aftermath of severe psychological abuse.
it affected my ability to form relationships, trust other people and myself, and even.. like myself. I developed an eating disorder at 8 years old because i was constantly berated for my weight and what I was eating as a chubby kid. no one helped me with it until I was finally underweight.. at age 17. by which time i had lived with disordered eating for almost 10 years. I admitted to several doctors that I wasn't eating because of the way i was treated at home and all of them only saw it as "oh good, you're losing weight." "it's not a problem because you aren't underweight yet" or my favorite "you're just looking for attention"

[no shit. im being abused. help maybe?] 

turned out the reason I had such trouble losing weight was actually an autoimmune disease. so that's two serious conditions that went untreated and undiagnosed, furthering the gaslighting and the self doubt. 

"maybe they're right. maybe I'm just not supposed to eat. maybe this is normal." 

the american health care system is terrible. 

why am I sharing this? it's personal and emotional, i know. but it's important because it's shaped a lot of who i am and I finally understand my own brain. 

did you know people with ADHD and PTSD are incredibly easy to gaslight because we have time blindness and terrible issues with memory? we're also prone to disordered eating habits.

we are emotional, we get frustrated, angry, anxious and panicky and feel shame and guilt easily and we forget things even if they are EXTREMELY important to us. We sometimes forego what others consider basic manners or politeness because our minds are already 6 steps ahead and the thought is not there- whether we want it to be or not- or we believe we've already said it, or we say it or express it in a way that makes sense to us- but maybe not to you.

we can be easily manipulated. our brains are so deficient in dopamine that any amount of happiness or praise after a lifetime of deficiency and "shut up" "you're so annoying" "why are you so WEIRD" can feel like a drug. we get attached to nice people, but at the same time may not trust them at all if we've been hurt or abused in the past. 

I have experienced some of these things within the NSFW community. 

I was preyed upon by a narcissist who took advantage of my fears.
I was gaslit, hurt, used and manipulated by people I considered friends.
I watched others abuse my friends, judge harshly what they didn't understand, chase clout by stepping on others and generally just beating people down to get on top- even if the top was just the top of their high horse... to feel morally better or to feel more successful. 

I started this journey because I grew up in a very very strict christian/catholic household. 

sex and self love were demonized. bodies were shamed and objectified, clothes were scrutinized. 

romantic partners were told to sleep with one eye open if they didn't want to be shot and hung on the wall. 

And do you know what that did to me? I became obsessed with it instead. it destroyed my already fragile mental health. I engaged in a lot of questionable activities I won't share. I loved attention, I wore revealing clothing for all the wrong reasons. I was cold and mean.

I wanted to be the one in control for a change because at home I was an abused, scared little girl. the thing is. I wasn't really in control. it was just more trauma. I was a child and I was in so much pain. 

I was in a number of very abusive relationships. people who told me not to eat, bought me revealing clothes, told me 'i dont want to see you until you have makeup on', told me who to be friends with, ignored me in public and tried to have sex with me in private. people who would 'reward' and 'punish' me like they were my parent. and one day I just had had enough. I became hardened and cold again.

the point of this entire section here above is just to say- I know first hand the dangers of sexual shame and fear on someone's mental health. 

I'll briefly state that im in a very long term relationship at this time with someone who is my best friend and equal. who has been a huge proponent of my healing. he is patient and kind and loving and I am very, very lucky to have found him. 

i've grown up and healed and changed tremendously since all of that... 

I started making this content because I wanted to do something positive for people and their sexuality.
I wanted to provide something to the world that opposed the feelings of shame and abusive control. I wanted to create something that provided a safe way to explore kinks. I wanted to be someone that people could trust not to take advantage of them in that vulnerable state of mind. I wanted to be the person you could go to when someone hurt you and you were afraid to speak up. 

I strived for success because I wanted smaller and newer creators to feel safe speaking out against an abuser, that they wouldn't fear someone with 'big numbers' or a lot of popularity. 

because sadly. that happens so often. it happened to me. 

maybe it was my own form of karmic retribution. 

anyway im getting away from the point. 

The community started to stress me out a lot for a vast number of reasons. 

I was starting to get a lot of anxieties back, a lot of feelings i thought i had resolved a long time ago related to self loathing and fears of never being good enough. I wanted to be an advocate for mental health and sex positivity and it became so hard.
I stopped taking care of myself and my own needs. 

it's true that you really cannot help others before you help yourself. I became disorganized, stressed, depressed, overwhelmed and scared of other people. I closed my DMs after countless uncomfortable and abusive interactions, I lived in constant fear that i would word something the wrong way or someone would take something out of context so I stopped talking to people. I stopped trusting my community to be what I wanted it to be all along. positive and uplifting. 

I want a space to be supportive and kind and compassionate where people don't act out of self gain or competition. I want a space where I can say to my friends "this person abused me" and they stand with me instead of ostracizing me because they're jealous that im the one who gained someone's 'affection' [read: abuse] or shaming me based on their own insecurities.

I want to feel like im contributing to something good again. 

My space is dictated by me. I run my space, i am in charge of my community. So this is where I have stepped back to. 

I need to thank you guys. My community helps me feel safe here. the vast majority of my community has embodied the values that matter to me and I am so grateful to you for it. I want to use my private space while I take this opportunity to work through my recent diagnosis and things that have been on my mind the past year and a half

A diagnosis is not just a slip of paper. 

it's a validation. I feel validated for so many of the things I was ostracized for. I feel validated for how damn hard life has been for me. for how difficult it was for me just to get out of bed some days.

that being loud and talkative and interrupting people wasn't just me being a thoughtless asshole. 

that my panic attacks while trying to choose a flavor of ramen in the grocery store were not my fault. 

that saying no too late, or not at all was a defense mechanism from years of being afraid to upset anyone or risk physical or psychological abuse. 

I want to quickly say, I recognize fully that you cannot use mental illness as an excuse to continuously hurt other people. it may not be your intention, but it's not okay.

however, what I want you to take away from this, is that seeking help is okay. your pain and your struggles are valid. having to seek help is not shameful.

just a diagnosis feels like a HUGE weight off my shoulders. I feel like I'm not lost anymore. I still have to finish this dungeon but at least I've got a map and a compass.

take care of yourself. Laziness is not real. it's not. its exhaustion- both mental and physical, it's executive dysfunction, anxiety, depression, overstimulation- but it's not LAZY. if you feel like life is way harder, if basic human tasks feel like a mountain- advocate for yourself. it's okay not to be okay and it's okay to seek help

It's okay to take a step back and regroup. 

 I am, by all means, a functioning human being despite my illness and despite everything i've gone through. I am a successful adult in a healthy relationship with an incredible group of friends with a job I do truly enjoy.

but I could be a lot better. I could be a lot less stressed. a lot more organized, much better focused. 

I didn't write this to say 'everything is terrible'. no, as a matter of fact.. my life is objectively so good. I am very grateful to finally be in a place where my mental health can be a priority. 

Those who know me know that I am on a constant mission to do better, to be better, and this is part of that. if your body is physically ill, you cant climb the mountain without resting and healing and the same goes for your mental health. I just want people to know it's okay to take a break, it's okay to need help, it's okay to tell a doctor or even three doctors that you just don't feel right.

if they don't take you seriously?

find another doctor.

and for everyone, with or without mental illness- be kind to people. 

dont treat people like shit just because their brains work differently. maybe they're a little weird maybe they're emotional, maybe they're loud... maybe they have an undiagnosed mental or neurological health issue.. just be kind. show some compassion and patience and understanding. 

Anyway this became a whole entire essay but I had a pretty life changing experience so I felt it was warranted and i've been trying to figure out a way to put into words my reasoning for taking a hiatus from most of my public activity in the NSFW community. I was afraid of coming off as dramatic for it but.. i'm learning that's not the case. 

I hope you'll stick with me on this journey and that you remember that you are important. you deserve happiness and love and peace. 

remember. a strong mind creates strong magic. 

be well my little gremlins ❤

-Ruby xx