Sneak Peek. Egg Bites and Relationship fights!

For single guys, they generally don’t need this. You have been dating a girl, you see her once a week, maybe twice. There’s just nothing to fight about. Anything that requires adulating skills and investment in either of your lives don’t come out when you see someone four times a month. And the times you do see each other, you tend to be the way she escapes her problems, not adds to them.

Once you’re in a relationship, and by in a relationship I mean together for a year, probably live together, and most likely had to wash her underwear she only wears when aunt Flo comes to visit, the masks come off. You’re both no longer escapism, you are just there. A few things you’ll learn as well about your girl. This is about the three ways to navigate a fight, the three types of fights, and the one thing you can’t forget when they happen

First, fights don’t make sense, they aren’t supposed to. Fights are never about what you’re arguing about, even when they are. You didn’t do the dishes and now the place is a mess isn’t about the dishes. It could be

Shes angry. In a previous video I discuss why anger is a social emotion. There Is a percieved injustice and anger is a signal. It’s not the dishes, it’s that she feels like she’s carrying the load of the house logistics. Maybe she is, and maybe it’s that she’s there 100% of the time she does the dishes, and 0% of the time when you do them. In her mind, she does everything while you do nothing. Put a pin in that one, we’ll come back to it.

She’s hurt. The thing about girls, is their emotional state drives their behavior. If she’s hurt, she needs you to reflect that. How? By you being hurt, and there’s no better way to hurt you than to angrily say hurtful things. If she’s angry, you should reflect that anger. How? By making you angry as well. I couldn’t explain the underlying mechanisms, but in general, what ever a girl is feeling, she expect people around her to feel. The only time she puts on a good face is when she’s in public, because, as always.

Reputation matters above all to a woman. If you’ve ever wondered why people who are loved by their community but act downright mean to their families, that’s why.

Could be She’s frustrated. She signed up for a boyfriend, but got a Dependant. She signed up for a loving mother and got a manipulative cow. She signed up for a job in corporate but got petty backstabbing from Susan in Accounting. Whether any of this is real or imagined is irrelevant, she feels that way right now, and that’s what matters to her. Sometimes the fight isn’t about you, shes venting her frustrations off a sounding board, which happens to be you right now. Lucky guy

And finally, there’s the chance she’s fighting with you because you’re objectively a loser. If she hasn’t moved on, it’s because she can’t, or is to stubborn to. Be glad she cares enough to fight. Clean your room Boy and come back to the video when you have a normal adult fight like the rest of us.

Now that we have those out of hate way, what do you do about it?

The easy answer is to enforce boundaries. If she can’t act right 24/7 then you remove your affection, your attention, or your commitment. And sure, you can do that, but I don’t think it’s ideal other than a very few scenarios. If you decide to treat every emotional outburst the same way you treat a hard boundary you’ll end up very single and avoid ant. No one can be great 100% of the time, even around you.

In this case, isolate the reasons and neutralize them. Don’t get bogged down in the surface of the argument. If you argue about her feelings, she wins every time, she’s got more experience than you in what she feels, and by arguing her feelings aren’t real all you’re doing is being the emotional flat earthier. Emotions got you into this mess, logic can’t get you out of it.

And here’s the main reasons why you’re getting into fights and how to get out of them better than when you started.

1. Is she hungry? Is she tired? Does she have an itch that needs scratching? Try this one for size. Tell your girl you’re too tired for any love tonight, then pay attention to how you interact the next day. I wager you’ll find a lot more arguments that have nothing to do with anything, or, see if arguments happen just before the two of you eat, and they go away after she does. If she gets very little sleep because of work, it can wear down her tolerance for her own feelings, are your fights always during the week, while the weekends where you sleep in she’s great?

Here’s your road map. Before having any fight, see if she’s hungry, see if she could use some shuteye, and make sure you always perform your conjugal duties. Yeah, she might get mad that you indirectly told her that she’s not mad about the dishes but just sleepy and hungry, she’ll get over it after a few egg bites.

2. Is it even a fight or is she just venting? Girls just think through problems by running their mouth. Us guys don’t understand that, we get quiet, think about it, stare at the TV while something is on that we aren’t paying attention to, we mull it over. Sometimes, your girl will be perfectly fine, let her have a few minutes to run her mouth and say some mean crap. A good technique is to put a timer on it. What I used to do, during the walk home from work was my girl had 30 minutes to bitch and moan about anything and everything. Once we walked through the door the fight was over. Don’t take it personally, a lot of guys love to brag about how they are the oak in their relationship, sometimes you just gotta let the hot air buffet you for a while.

3. This one’s the tricky one. If a girl isn’t looking up to you, if she isn’t respecting you, if she doesn’t think you’re the best she could do, she gets frustrated and she gets mad. She also stops worrying about your feelings or basic human respect, starts being a little too honest. Take a good look in the mirror, and you’ll see if you have some leaks that need to be shored up. Now, and this is the important part, shut this argument down. You know the classic lines: 

“This conversation is over”

“This thing you’re doing here? Not on”

“I’m gonna take off for a bit. I don’t think I’ll be very good company right now”

And I go back to boundary enforcement. This isn’t a fight, this is attacking your dignity. You may be a screwup, but that’s not her job to berate you for it. Get back to work, fix what needs fixing, but don’t acknowledge her need to berate you for it. It’s your job to be hard on yourself, not hers.

So the one thing that you have to keep in mind during all this. Don’t take any of this personally. It’s just the way girls are wired. If she could help it, you wouldn’t be fighting. Focus on you, chances are theres some truth to those barbs shes throwing at you, and it may be worth addressing them.

For anyone still in tier 3, don't forget to book your sessions BTW!