Patreon, R&P Q&A #260
Added 2024-02-28 23:10:05 +0000 UTC
Comments
"even though I’m making eye contact, they look at me weird and start looking away uncomfortably or looking down" -> I think it's because you're staring. Just maintain eye contact for 30-45 secs and then look away and then return. Also I can't imagine how you'd end up with a frown face. Do you not like comedy and generally laughing? If it's just a muscle issue, then just practice everyday to improve your facial muscles.
Ban Mido
2024-03-01 00:31:08 +0000 UTCHey all, it’s been a while (think 2021 was my last post). I notice when I meet people in general, they are initially receptive but then 30 seconds into an interaction, even though I’m making eye contact, they look at me weird and start looking away uncomfortably or looking down. Interactions get awkward in everyday minor social interactions. I believe I’ve traced this to ‘frown mouth’, where the facial muscles are severely weakened from lots of frowning. For years now—and I noticed this occasionally even smiling in the mirror—it is very difficult to smile or even maintain a neutral expression, facial muscles start wavering, jaw and cheeks hurting, and then frown. Out of 12 interviews I had in for entry-level corporate jobs from June to November 2023, I did not get hired 11/12 times, notwithstanding I had multiple interviews with all 11 firms, and in the end, all of these 11 let me know, “thank you for your interest, you’re a highly qualified candidate, yet we feel that at this time, there are better candidates suited for the role”. I, in turn, have concluded when I attempt to smile, I’m giving off a really bad social signal inadvertently (creepy maybe?), but of course, frowning (my default face it seems) likewise gives off a bad social signal. I got hired at 1/12 of the firms in December 2023 after the same multi-interview process, I believe in spite of this. None of this information would really prove anything in isolation, since there could be any number of reasons (aside from that) to account for why I didn’t get the job for this or that firm. Even so, with the firm that did hire me, I’ve had coworkers and supervisors alike ask me “what’s wrong?” on virtual calls and in-person. My go-to answer “I’m feeling great”, which now seems to alleviate the situation. In reply, I’ve gotten, “you had a worried look on your face”, and “you look pissed off”. This is similar to feedback I used to get from college students on humanities teaching evaluations “he looks like he’s in a bad mood”. Now, for me this is a damn great job compared with the low-wage jobs as an adjunct and working at grocery stores. After putting in hundreds of applications within a 3-year period, I can really say I enjoy working from home and being at the office working for this firm. Cuz I get it, we all want to be around positive people, makes the workday that much better, we’re social creatures, and I want to convey this, if only make myself more socially successful from here on out than I have been in the past. In an effort to address this frown mouth, in December started looking in the rearview mirror while driving and tried to hold a neutral expression. During the course of a 30-minute drive I could hold a neutral expression for about 15 seconds, 3 times. During January I got this up to 30 seconds in February, again 3 times within a 30—minute drive. Curious if any of you have any experience with overcoming facial muscle weakness and what exercises benefited you in improving facial muscle regulation (beyond what I mentioned I’m doing). Additionally, I’ve noticed that when I smile, I’ve got that fake smile with no ‘crow’s feet’ (e.g., eyes not smiling), so curious what others have done if you’ve also had this problem.
Gunsmoke
2024-02-29 23:15:13 +0000 UTCat least get the post nup. That way you can still break up, but you will know the terms.
Op Sec
2024-02-29 19:14:25 +0000 UTCWill do.
Ground Hog Day
2024-02-29 19:04:17 +0000 UTCYeah - I think the 14 years thing is wrong, and an exaggeration...reality is probably half of that, but whatever. Exactly on the whole boundaries and frame thing....I have been a nice guy for an extended period of time which has done alot of damage. It is what it is...trying to move forward from here.
Ground Hog Day
2024-02-29 19:03:31 +0000 UTCAlso, keep working on your reporting. This is long… honing in on the details that matter is important… for you and easier for reader.
Cousin Eddie
2024-02-29 19:02:02 +0000 UTC14 years of sharing location. Wow. Earlier you establish your boundaries, frame.. the easier. I would have went a different direction. But your is good. Me:” Orwellian location monitoring is not my thing. … never liked it. Weird. Ya, 14 years… never liked it.” If she then pressed me. I would have fogged and done what you did. But why Just don’t want to live that way. It’s weird.
Cousin Eddie
2024-02-29 19:00:17 +0000 UTCLast week i reported that I set a boundary that I would not tolerate any more contact with affair partner after her showing the several signs of remorse. You scolded me for this but I felt that I needed to make the boundaries super clear given I already have scorched earth plan in place. I talked with her again this week and explained my terms which included post nup. I am meeting with lawyer tomorrow to finalize. After the heavy conversation I end up in a long hug with her, she surprisingly initiates and we smash for 1st time since November. And it was legit, no starfish. Rest of week I have focused on work obligations. I am still struggling with: is this what I want and is this stupid to consider her potential attempt to Re invest.
Volare Alto
2024-02-29 18:59:53 +0000 UTCTy
Cousin Eddie
2024-02-29 18:51:43 +0000 UTCI interviewed for a new job. I interviewed for the practice of interviewing. The aspects that I expected to be strong were weak and vice versa. This was great calibration and reminded me of catch and release. I had been wishy washy. Not making decisions and asking wife what she thought of things. I put together a shelf in the garage and let her know I’m up for whatever organizational things she wanted. Since I realized this, I've stopped and have been making decisions. So a few days later. My towels are stinky. I gather up some towels, and wash cloths. “Hey, I’m washing these towels you want yours washed?”. “yeah, can you also grab the hand towels from the bathrooms”. “yeah”. “Also, can you put new hand towels in the bathrooms?”. “yeah”, She’s right here, otherwise I’ll be washing my hands and wiping them on my pants or something. Later “you don’t just drape the hand towel on the holder.”, “So fix it”. They were fine. A few minutes later she’s in my office wanting to talk. It consisted mostly of her talking about how she wanted to talk. I told her I’m not going to talk in circles. It was a bunch of words, frame shifting. Eventually, it got to be talking about last week, when I started to leave after zipping up, after sex. At first I try to think of which technique do I use here, do I fog, or is it amused mastery and then stopped. “I think you can figure out how to turn me on, do you need more direction?”, “As far as the towels, you are welcome to do them, hang them up anyway you want, my towels stank so I did them, perhaps you want to get us new towels these stink quickly, or just wash them yourself more often”. She didn't want the blame. "It's not like I'm not trying". I figured I’m not going to talk about who snapped at who or who feels a certain way, or whatever, but after that I STFU. It was a bunch of words amounting to nothing again. 10 minutes passed in silence, she was wondering if I was going to say anything, and she had somewhere to be. “Did you understand what I said?”. “yeah, I heard, and I understand”. “Well I expressed some feelings and some needs and you said nothing”. “What do you need?”, “See you didn’t listen and understand, I’m leaving”. She was late for something. When she returned she asked for a hug, cried a little and was fine. I was busy the rest of the day, but the next morning, I went to have sex with her and she blew me, and was more wet than usual. Acted like she wanted to say something to me, but it was either nothing or bait, so I let it go.
Op Sec
2024-02-29 18:45:43 +0000 UTCYes on the turning off the location is something I wanted to do. I don't want to be monitored when I visit lawyers, go out with my friends, and have her asking a bunch of questions about my whereabouts. If she blows it up, she blows it up - my plan is almost fully in place and ready to be executed if necessary. My take is that I have been so beta and so comfort giving our entire marriage that I have to start going in a different direction to get better results, and if necessary, set myself up for better results post marriage. Maybe its uncalibrated and Rambo; I hope not, but I don't know.
Ground Hog Day
2024-02-29 18:31:03 +0000 UTCFR 18 FWB girl caught feelings. Told me I’ve been amazing whenever she needed me, but she needs more at this point. I’ve seen this coming on multiple occasions. E.g. I spontaneously gave her a $5 slightly kitschy plush toy for Christmas and she’s had it on her night stand since then. It’s the only piece of decoration in her bedroom, she’s a minimalist, rational engineering type. Last time we met, she cooked for me (I didn’t ask her to, she always does this) and said she wanted to make waffles for breakfast. I ignored this rather obvious invitation to stay the night and headed back home. I could tell she was disappointed. So her text today was no surprise. I’ll be on vacation for a few weeks and she asked me to think about if I can imagine going exclusive. I’ll take some time to think about it, but I’d say 90% no. She’s a good person and has shown me 0 red flags in almost a year and treated me very well. Still - I like her, but I’m just not very attracted to her. Regardless of how this continues - lessons learned: Girls can actually develop feelings for me beyond just random flings. That was nice to see. I am generally capable of keeping girls around, now I just need to do it with ones I’m more attracted to. Aloofness and playful irreverence come relatively easy to me, I can lean into them to keep girls attracted to me. For me, these are easier than overt dominance. Even in longer FWBs, these alpha traits are more important than beta traits. You actually need very little aftercare/comfort to keep chicks around. …. Local chick from last week: didn’t want a second date. I don’t think it was the sex (2 rounds, she came), or the aftercare (gave her tea and chocolate after). She also laughed a lot and seemed to have a great time. However, I did text her the next day (just a meme with an inside joke) and then later asked her to meet again on Sunday. Potentially, that gave her relationship vibes and scared her off, which was not my intention. After all, she just wanted something casual. Should I wait longer? Anyway, I wished her good luck and told her she knew where to find me if she ever wanted some nsa fun, to which she replied: “Haha, okay. Will do;-)” Unrelated question: Can you create some training wheel scripts with practical examples for manufactured outrage? Not that I would need them yet, but it’s quite a unique concept and I haven’t been able to find any practical examples anywhere.
Hypergamous Best Option
2024-02-29 18:19:14 +0000 UTC* On Monday, plate1 (36y/HB4) told me she wants to take a break and focus on herself. I guess I took the bitch-management rules for granted. She was treating me really well, respectful, paying for her share of food, and always making sure I got off. So I started thinking about rewarding her with taking her out to a nice restaurant for good food. Sunday night I told her to dress well and took her to a good restaurant but they ran out of tables that night so we got take out and came back to my place. I wanted to smash before having dinner because I knew I'll be too tired and full to fuck; we smashed and I had her suck me off. But she had a bit of a tear down there with some blood leaking so I didn't go down on her that night. We also experimented over the last few weeks and found positions that fit us properly and the sex got really good. Coupled with me getting my sleep routine back I had more energy and drive to fuck her thoroughly. I later dropped her home after dinner. She texted me on Monday morning saying I shouldn't "wine-and-dine" her and just treat her as a friend as it sends her mixed signals. I agreed with her. After a while she texted she wants to take a break to focus on herself. I knew I shouldn't try to "convince" her to change her mind so just replied that I understood her position * I clearly fucked up this spinning plate. Things were going well and the sex was getting better but me trying to be "nice" and reward her with comfort sent mixed signals and she decided to take a break from me. * The good thing is this forces me to get back into the field and get new plates. Also get back to basics with NMMNG and Bitch management guide * Had a failed date on Saturday (27y/HB6) but I know that the main problem there was I didn't kino escalate quickly enough and the initial attraction she had for me started waning as the date wore on. Just got to be "bolder"
Ban Mido
2024-02-29 18:07:48 +0000 UTCField Report #2 I will be on the livestream today. Overall targets: • Health: Body Fat below 15-18%, Weight 160-170 lbs (will revaluate when I get closer), Workouts 5+ days per week, 10k steps per day, Nutrition – adhere to macros • Relationships: Have happy, loving, and sexual relationships (3+ times per week) not necessarily with my wife. Skills required: Red Pill Relationship skills – eliminate covert contracts, eliminate DEERing, assertiveness skills, conversational skills (game). This weeks focus: Continue health regimen. Focus on stopping DEERing and stopping covert contracts. • Health regimen was good this week, although not great. I had 2 nights of really shitty sleep, which caused me to pull back on the working out – only 4 times this week. My nutrition macros were in line with plan although a couple of days I went over on Fat, and under on carbs while still keeping to overall calorie target. Hit step goal 6 out of 7 days. Weight is same 208. Body fat % appears to have dropped slightly so may be building muscle. • Relationships: After last weeks patreon review of my first field report it became clear to me that I had not internalized a lot of what I have read, so I have to do more action and do less studying, with specific focus on stopping DEERing and covert contracts. o I started asking myself the following question before every interaction with my wife: What is it that I want out of this interaction? - As I watched myself I saw that I had a mental habit of wanting to please her…basically validation seeking. It was like a subconscious impulse. Fuck. Very subtle, but very clear. For example: I sold a big contract in my business. I wanted to share it with my wife – but why? – what was my intention? I wanted an “attaboy”. Fuck. I wanted her to say "Great job Ground Hog, you are so awesome!" So I held on to the information and just absorbed the win personally for a couple of days. I wanted to get myself into a state of mind of wanting to share my win for my own personal joy, without wanting or expecting anything from her in return. I imagined my wife basically being completely ambivalent, or ignoring what I say, and me being ok with that, and giving myself the attaboy, not needing it from her. A few days later I told my wife and she said. “That’s cool.”, and hugged me. Not ambivalent, but not an attaboy. I caught myself 3 more times in this kind of validation seeing mindset, and checked myself before going into a covert contract situation where I was expecting some kind of validation out of her. This is some insidious shit. o Here is a situation that came up Thursday night, I tried broken record, and tried not to DEER. Wife Texting me: Your phone is no longer sharing location My response via text: ignored her text; no response I get home from gym Wife: Your phone is no longer sharing location Me: I know, I turned it off Wife: Why Me: I no longer want to share my location Wife: Why Me: I no longer want to share my location (broken record) Wife: You said that already I want to now why (getting agitated) Me: I no longer want to share my location (broken record) Wife: Are you cheating on me? Me: If I was cheating on you I assure you that would be the first to know Wife: Just tell me, why are you not sharing your location Me: I no longer want to share it (broken record) Wife: Fine I won’t share my location with you then Me: Cool Wife: I am getting really mad now Me: Ok, it’s ok if your mad Wife: Why won’t you tell me. What are you hiding? You don’t go anywhere anyway. Nobody was here and I would have liked to have known that you were at the gym. Why won’t you share your location? Me: I no longer want to share my location (broken record) Wife: Ok I won’t share mine then. Me: Cool Wife: Ok – you can no longer see my location. So when I go meet my boyfriend you can no longer see it Me: Ok, cool (I walk away from her and go into my office) Wife: Barges into my office. You are acting weird. Are you mad at me or something? We have shared locations for 14 years and now you don’t want to share. Just tell me why Me: I don’t want to share my location (broken record) Wife: You are really pissing me off. I am mad at you. Me: Ok Wife: Fine I’m leaving, and I’m not sharing my location and I’m not telling you where I am going. She gets pissed and storms out. Leaves the house. Drives away. ...yep, good times. o Friday Day – I tried memory of goldfish and ignored the previous night conversation. She was cold, ignoring me and/or making bitch faces at me all day. I went out late Friday afternoon and grabbed a coffee and did some shopping alone. I came home late and went to bed. Wife: Wakes me up. Me: You woke me up. Wife: I am mad at you. Why won’t you share your location. Me: I don’t want to talk about it. Wife: Why not. Me: I don’t want to talk about it. Wife: You don’t trust me any more. Relationships are all about trust. Are you mad at me. Me: Yes, I am mad. I want to sleep. I don’t want to talk about this shit any more. Wife: Storms out slams door so hard that it bounces open. Me: You are cute when your mad. Wife: Hmmmmmpf. I am really pissed. o Saturday Day – I tried memory of goldfish again. She was friendly and nice today. She had a lot of family stuff going on. We did not interact that much. I did my thing, she did hers. Wife: Comes to bed (I am already in bed) Me: Good night. Wife: Why won’t you share your location. Me: I don’t want to share my location. Wife: Fine We go to sleep o Sunday AM: Me: Wake up to wife holding my hand in bed. Wife: Starts spooning me Me: She never does this. Seems like a clear escalation from her. I wait a few minutes, and turn around and say “You are quite aggressive this morning.” Wife: Laughing. “You make me so damn mad. I am so pissed at you. But I love you.” Me: Ok, let’s fuck and make up. Wife: You don’t need to make up, you aren’t even mad, but I can’t stop being mad at you. Me: Fine. I’ll fuck the anger out of you…. (and I did) The whole situation wasn’t perfect. Had sex. Don’t care. Alot of learnings this week: Clearly demonstrates that wife doesn’t need to be happy to fuck. My need for validation is pervasive, insidious and needs to be killed.
Ground Hog Day
2024-02-29 17:37:05 +0000 UTCNice man. Thanks
Owning My Shit
2024-02-29 17:23:02 +0000 UTCYou're learning to STFU when you feel like you're overpowered. But you also have to realize that it only started to become a fight when you made it a fight. Her bitching doesn't mean you have to participate. They're just words and emotions. She's not hitting you, she's not stealing money from you. Nothing real has happened yet. What made it "real" is you jumped in with your emotional self and tried to shut her up and put her in her place. Glad you got a better outcome on the second try.
Dante Panda
2024-02-29 16:42:32 +0000 UTCStripper said what I was going to say. I don’t view people in terms of fuck or not fuck buckets. I talk with people. Everybody. Important to think that way. Hot girl…. I would have immediately asked were we met before. In a charming way. It is a bit of a neg. (Drops her ego). Talking to married people or managers brings social approval to you. Other women will notice…. It is a set. Even if you are not aiming to seduce that person. Mystery is whole game is based on it. Open a set… let others see you. The target is always in the second set.
Cousin Eddie
2024-02-29 16:37:14 +0000 UTCI'm taking notes here because I keep forgetting that intimacy and sex are best blurred. Also, I noticed you escalated the sexual tension all throughout the day, not just when you wanted to smash.
Dante Panda
2024-02-29 16:33:01 +0000 UTC> We chatted about our dogs earlier so I asked if she wanted to come back to mine and meet my dog ... Got some hesitation You decided to press on in this situation despite her hesitation. I've fared better when I only make the invitation once and let it go whether she wants to or not. You can always invite her again on the second date. If she doesn't come around for a second date, you have your answer. It's okay if you don't get the lay. Enjoy meeting her because you're meeting a new person. I have to remind myself that too sometimes. There's other wonderful women to meet and there's other women that will wanna fuck you.
Dante Panda
2024-02-29 16:27:45 +0000 UTC100%. Growth is tricky and kills a lot of small businesses. I have seen it over and over.
Cousin Eddie
2024-02-29 16:22:26 +0000 UTCYour frame is: you are not your point of origin. Meaning,… think nmmng stuff. You have frame, it is just not ideal. Spotting, labeling …ooda…. You will continuously develope the frame you want. Sleep apnea. I just made a breakthrough with my sleep. Ground yourself. Buy a sleep grounding mat. 30-60$. I would be shocked (pardon the pun) if it did not ‘cure’ you. Or go in the mds, sleep apnea gauntlet…. Beware of mdoctors.
Cousin Eddie
2024-02-29 16:19:25 +0000 UTCConsider the Mental model of communication from the wife is like you running around with a hard one.
CovertContractAttorney
2024-02-29 16:08:30 +0000 UTCShots fired.
CovertContractAttorney
2024-02-29 16:07:28 +0000 UTCRight after last week's live stream part II, I was working in the home office. Wife came home from her part-time job just before mid-day. It was a cold day, so I approached her in the kitchen and asked her to come warm me up. I don't remember if she said "I can't warm you up," or "I don't want to." I slapped her on the can and said, "I'm going out for a workout, then," almost before she finished her sentence. I went and changed clothes and then left. Looking back at that episode, I was a little too committed to the "if she says 'no'" branch of the decision tree analysis. I need to stop assuming the answer is going to be no and planning how I will respond, and not just with her. When I returned, I told her my favorite craft brew spot usually has live music on friday's and she is welcome to come. She says she wants to stay in because her back injury is hurting, but she hopes she will be good to go the next friday. So I went down to the place myself. A few things happened to boost my confidence that, although I am not "jacked" by any stretch, I am attractive enough to get my needs met, if I can put together a bit of game. I waited in line to order a beer. The dude behind the bar knows me well, and held up his hand for a fist bump. He's into cinema, so I told him briefly about the movie I had taken the wife to see the previous friday. A minute or two later, I am standing at the end of the bar, at the low table for wheel-chair people, because the place is pretty full. Miranda is working behind the bar. She is the hottest chick in the place, IMO. She looks over and sees me; she stares for a good five count at least, until she is sure I am looking. She waves. I raise my glass and give her an nod. Later on, I told her the baseball cap and pony-tail look is working for her. She smiles. "Oh, I just threw it on because I was short on time to do my hair." A tastefully dressed older woman walks up and stands next to me at the low end of the bar. I saw her a couple of weeks ago, talked to her a little bit. On the previous occasion, she had been sitting by herself when I noticed her looking in my direction. She had come over to pet the dog that belonged to the guy sitting two chairs over from me. I opened a conversation with both of them. I assumed she had been waiting for him and they were together. Mistake not to confirm. This time, she appeared to be alone. I looked over and said, "Are we having fun yet?" She handed one of the bartenders one of the special mugs that indicates she is one of the limited number of regulars who pay an annual membership fee for some special perks. I asked her if she was with the dude and the dog last time. She answered, "No, I am just just a sucker for dogs. I didn't know that man. My husband is in line outside at the catering truck right now. Can I get your name, I see you in here all the time?" "I am Gearo." "I'm, Stella." I am hesitant to game married women. But I am starting to realize that this place is becoming a social circle. I had a female mug holder and her friend walk up out of nowhere and introduce themselves a couple of weeks ago. They were middle-aged slump busters. Stella is a middle-aged, attractive and tastefully dressed woman. A little later, I was sitting at a table when an attractive blonde woman walked by. Not "attractive for her age," just "attractive." She was either on her way to the bathroom, or the line to order beer. When she got a step past the table she turned and said, "Oh, hi! Great to see you." I couldn't remember where I knew her from, but I responded. "Hey! Good to see you too!" She moved on. I think the right thing to do would have been to tell her to stop by on her way back from the bathroom. But I was hesitant at first to reveal that I could not remember her. This is the wrong move. I need to act like I talk to lots of attractive women, and I can't be expected to remember them all. Later on, I saw her standing in line, waiting to return a pitcher. She said, "Hi, we talked here before. You were telling my friends and I about your flat-cap." I answered, "It's not a flat cap, its a gatsby." She is fucking with me a bit. Would I call this a shit test? Maybe. I remember her now. I may have mentioned her and her 2 friends in a previous field report. So I talked to her for a minute while she waited in line. I touched her arm briefly a couple of times. At one point, she started squirming around and said she hoped the line would get moving because she had to go to the girls room. I told her I didn't realize we had the kind of rapport that allowed her to share inside information like that. I wasn't sure how to game a chick who was about to piss herself. I did a better job conveying that it was a man to woman conversation the first time I met her. Later on, the manager saw me and came over to chat. A couple of times, I tried to be a Nice-Guy, and break off the conversation so as not to take up to much of his time. He just kept talking. I try to follow Rian's advice to lay off waitresses and bartenders, because it is their job to be friendly. But there is not a single female working here who is not shaggable. No harm in letting them see that their boss likes to hang out with me. When I got home, the wife was still awake. I considered trying to initiate, but she was hobbling around with her injury. I decided against it. The following day, she was going to give me a ride to the airport to for a short trip. I came in from an errand, and she asked me if it was time to go. I put my arms around her and said, "We have just enough time for a little spoon position." She answered, "I need to get a snack and take some Motrin first." I usually assume "later" is "never", but her choice of words and her tone left me thinking maybe it would happen. After about fifteen minutes of making sure I had packed everything, and then seeing that she was eating an apple very slowly, I decided to let her off the hook. I brought my shoes out to the living room and started putting them on. Then I asked her if she was ready to go. In the car, she fretted about going to the chiropractor. I told her she can be brave, and that she should make sure to do her stretches while I was gone, film a training montage, and prepare for spoon position when I get back. She gave me a little laugh.
Gearo's Journey
2024-02-29 15:40:26 +0000 UTCI reposted the Annihilation Method (game) by Neil Strauss to Youtube. It is unlisted, so you need to use the link to access. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLSgSQd4jB3UFE9IaC9qALH3wOOQhUzuFl
Edgefest
2024-02-29 15:39:27 +0000 UTCPost your reports. You’re missing something. Otherwise you’re likely just on the dancing monkey improvement plan.
CovertContractAttorney
2024-02-29 15:31:11 +0000 UTC49 All about frame Our business took off like a rocket last September by a random viral tic tock that is still snowballing. Huge corporations, celebrities are knocking on our doors to get in on the pr circus. We hit the lotto. My wife has ran around with her neck cut off trying to take advantage of this. We were out at dinner, and she was talking nonstop about all the offers and what to do. It became a business meeting about striking while the fire was hot. The workload kept growing as we talked, and her stress was palpable. I told her,“Just because the fire is hot does not mean we have to change who we are. Instead of trying to conquer the universe, we could open one more store or do this other simple thing... Basically: stick to the basics. Don’t let this mania dictate our actions. She agreed and started crying. Stress melted off her. Me: “Facebook, Coca Cola wants what! Lol! Celebrity wants what?... you tell ‘celebrity’ my production company (most ridiculous name you could imagine) will entertain her in my next film. No pay! Could you imagine …” Guided the hamster to a good dinner. frame: -In my reality the dog wags the tail. (basics) - Overly pursuing money and fame is interesting and entertaining. -Life is not about more, more, more, It is about laughing at the dinner table right now! Her hamster could not get off the ‘more, more, more’ wheel. So I did nothing and I acted the way I act: Example I told her I was starting a short film that could be used as commercial/content for our business. “We have stadiums worth of eyeballs just waiting for my badass film.” Her: “I rather you do this or that… important stuff that makes MORE money …strike while the fire is hot...” Me: “The film must be made.”lol. Example We went roller skating for a the school fund raiser. On the rink side tables my wife was clucking with other moms about her success and woes. I fly by on skates, being chased by a flock of 9-year-olds with some milfs in tow. My voice is heard over my wife’s chatter fest: “ … bunch of 3rd grade losers!” The pack of clucking wife’s eventually join the frame. As they start cheering me, or the kids on. “Get him!” I would of taken note but I was busy crashing in front of a milf. I allowed her to help me up. Closed communication: I live in the present. Work stress stays at work. Example Wife texts me about how she is working her ass off. Subtext: I am working hard and you are being lazy. I text back; “My schedule just freed up. I can help you work that ass off! Emogi…”
Cousin Eddie
2024-02-29 15:14:38 +0000 UTCActually having frame, Sleep Apnea You said something in your book like "you don't really know if you have frame until you're in a relationship" I get why now. When it's a night, or just fucking, you only have to respond to her testing when you're with the girl. But in a relationship, you're *always* being tested. On fuck-only interactions, you can get away with faking it. But when it's someone that sticking around you have to become it. I think I still don't have it. There are Nice Guy behaviors that I didn't realize i had until they got tested. Not sure why, but I found it easy to shake off insecurities with a woman that's just a fuck. Finding it much harder when they actually know you, especially your faults and incongruence. I'm happy the sidebar material is still there to get back to when I need it. Only this time I get to test my frame with someone that knows me a little bit better. Should be interesting. -- My girl told me a few months ago that I snore really loudly and that I gasp out of breath in my sleep. This isn't the first time a girl told me to get checked for sleep apnea. So I finally went. Doctor prescribed a sleep study, which is an 8 hour session where they connect an EEG and ECG to your person while you fall asleep while they monitor your vitals. The results came back saying I have moderate sleep apnea. I asked the doctor how it is I got it since I'm not overweight, not over fifty, and am generally healthy otherwise. It's possible that it's genetic since I've observed the same thing from my dad. I'm working out the logistics on the CPAP machine. I'm curious to see if other aspects of my physical health improve. But from what I can tell, it affects my recovery on lifts, my cardiovascular health, and my general mood. This particularly affects men. Which means that if you're experiencing the same symptoms, you folks might want to get a sleep study done to know for sure.
Dante Panda
2024-02-29 15:03:39 +0000 UTCYou have no frame. (You are not your point of origin) -why would you tell us you wrote reports you did not post? Terms of break up: 1st: relationships are woman’s hobby. You do you. If she wants a relationship she will send a smoke signal. 2. Resent or love your wife. Is not a reason to do anything. You do you and keep people in your life that have purpose in it. Regardless of your emotions towards them. 3. We agree our marriage is over…. See number 1.: relationships are a woman’s responsibility. We don’t do anything. I do me. She does her. Also communication is doomed. Men and women don’t speak the same language. You have allot of nmmng work to do. If you are committed to a divorce: lawyer up, beta divorce guide.
Cousin Eddie
2024-02-29 14:41:19 +0000 UTCYou are still struggling to ride the bike because you are in her frame. —-You care what she thinks. Mm: she is a bratty teen. Or a toddler. Would you seriously talk to a child the way you did. No. Just stfu …. Don’t give snarky smiles, no looks, Don’t open your mouth. Stfu! She keeps talking. stfu…. Move on with your day. Realize that you caused all this drama. When you stfu consistently she will stop testing you because she already knows your answer.
Cousin Eddie
2024-02-29 14:36:03 +0000 UTCI'm off SSRI's. Noted
4thMostImportant
2024-02-29 14:33:16 +0000 UTCWhat is lmft? You are doing allot of self reflecting. Keep going… it will become second nature. Put simple: you are becoming your point of origin. Wine tasting sounds fun. Book it. If she wants to join then cool. …
Cousin Eddie
2024-02-29 14:28:09 +0000 UTCHb mess hot babe. I don’t get it. Ssri: that should be your first goal: getting off those. Focus on shifting Overton to Narcism. Be your point of origin. You writing comes off like you are a function of other people. :she might not like me, Reacting to kids babysitter, Putting ex on pedestal….
Cousin Eddie
2024-02-29 14:20:24 +0000 UTCHey everybody, I've written a number of field reports I didn't share, as I realized I knew the answers, or they couldn't be answered by other people (for example "How will I know when its time to leave?"). The sidebar and Rian's books and doing my best to apply it all have served me well enough to find out: 1. There are other women out there interested 2. If I stay, I will come to resent my wife 3. Despite vocalizing concerns about undercutting my parenting even in front of the kids and hostility towards intimacy, it hasn't gotten better. We have slept in different rooms the last six months. Knowing it could go this way and being ok with it has kept my map from being a covert contract. While we haven't had the official divorce talk, we have discussed it and agree the marriage is over (at least as it was) and the current arrangement is not sustainable. We agree (or say) a split would be amicable. I do see a lack of accountability on her part, but I'm not mad about any of it. ** So here's the unknown territory. Two minor kids, wife does not have a job. Main stresses are logistics and financial. If I can pay her off, and get a child support (and probably alimony due her not working) in an uncontested divorce that seems optimal. It's a bit overwhelming and im overthinking a lot. Any tips, pitfalls to avoid, or advice how to come out on the ither side would be appreciated. Im eager to move on, but don't want to do anything impulsive in fear of losing control of the situation.
Heartfelt Superchat
2024-02-29 13:27:24 +0000 UTC260 Nothing to ask just updates Smashed earlier in the week. Did some analysis while I finger her off. Later in week My wife has been a bit difficult (cunt), so I withdrew some attention. I kept busy at work and didn't immediately respond to her messages, This might be due to her starting a new job. Was short with her in afternoon . Oh k, yep etc Went out for walk one evening - might have been day 2 or 3 of cuntiness Each morning, I reset, but also playfully tease her (banter / joke) about her behavior. I had morning drop-off duty for school (due to her new job) and was able to catch up and open with some school dads. We had some chats and exchanged numbers, and I started a group chat for surf meetups or random banter. Will add more dads next week. This morning, I fingered my wife and started to get intimate, but we got cock-blocked by the kids. We ended up smashing before dinner. Wife got another job opportunity so had to guide her through that. First week at new job (small firm) then offered position at larger firm. Pay matched, extra benefits etc Sorted out bank financing and have a couple other options in the background which may have better financing with sharper rates. However current bank has history and was quicker / simplest to work with. Got a mentor at work and been working on and discussing impostor syndrome and also dealing with other random work bs. We have been catching up once a week for an hour for the past few weeks. I really didn’t know what to expect however I’ve found it really helpful
Fez
2024-02-29 10:54:39 +0000 UTCField report4 Fitness, game, work all perfect. Boundaries, assertiveness and covert contracts are my weakness TRYING TO ACT LIKE SHE IS DEAD. So I have done three weeks of removing my time, affection and attention which resulted in her starting a fight three days ago I knew a fight was coming I started strong using WISNIFG tools and then she pushed my buttons. She asked some double bind questions I began to answer one of them and she interrupted me so I said “ no point in talking to you, you don’t listen to a word I say so lets just leave it” I walked away and she came after me called me a drama queen, said a real man would stay and talk, basically she used manipulation to get me to interact I took the bait we started talking shit for 10 minutes going in circles and then I just said “ this marriage is a load of shit, and is going downhill fast,I am done fighting, cause it always ends with me saying sorry as you think your always right” She said” I know you want sex but your going about it the wrong way and if we don’t communicate more and you take an interest in me and focus on me I can’t be sexual with you” I replied “ shit, my mum Used to withhold sex to control my dad” She flipped, she hates my mum but they are very alike. Her” I’m not like your mother and your like your father, a weak man” Me “ my dads not perfect but at least he isn’t a controlling bitch like me mum” I walked away again and that was that. Next morning she started again with smart comments I spotted what she was doing and I just smiled at her and STFU. I am pissed that I didn’t end the fight sooner but it will take time to for me to stop getting triggered by her manipulation. So I am back to withholding time, attention and affection. She is trying to bait me with passive aggressive shit and then the next moment playing the victim, saying “the stress is going to kill her.” I replied “Stress is a silent killer” I won’t lie I am finding it very hard to not talk too her and try and clear the air but she is acting like a cunt and every time I try and sort shit I end up acting like a woman. I got a kiss goodbye from her today which was a first in a long time. Goals this week. ( and probably next 6 months) Spot the manipulation ,OOAD, use the tools and avoid getting into a fight.
All_Talk_No_Action
2024-02-29 07:41:30 +0000 UTCField Report #6 198 still this week, workouts have been consistent and getting more out of the gym vs home gym. Finished Mystery Method, quarter of the way through Frame, revisited the fogging chapter in WISNIFG and picked up some new bits.This week I worked on calibration of my attention in a less autistic fashion than I had in the past. Previously I would use withdrawing attention by disappearing across the house for hours on end instead of doing this in smaller doses of just being in a different space. Instead of working on budget stuff on the couch with her, I did it in the office while the kiddo played. Self reflection on my part this week made me realize that I was not acting like a captain but as a dictator with a take or leave it attitude and action. Rian's commentary on how she is searching for a frame to latch on to made alot of sense. The emotional connection was not there for her because I had built up a wall she kept running into. Had babysitting on Friday night so took her out to wine tasting and dinner. I purposefully didn't tell her where we were going and picked places I would want to go even if she wasn't there with me. I was going to have fun regardless if she was there or not and she could join in on the fun time. I didn't go into the date night expecting any sex outcome at the end of it, which is me working on my covert contract. Next day had the chance to get babysitting midday so we dropped the kids off, came home and smashed and then went out to lunch. Previously I would have done lunch first then tried to squeeze in sex. Rian's words of girls don't fuck on a full stomach were in my ears so I reworked the logistics. Sunday I escalated midday while the kids were across the house, got a hard no, said no worries and went on to something else. Putting myself in situations so I can work on pushing past the soft no's and not being butthurt and be outcome independent. She is very much used to me being butthurt with any rejection of sex so I am setting myself up to work past it. Later that night escalated again after the kids went to bed and we fucked. A goal for me is to not have sex be a measure of success. I did sign up for an initial visit with a LMFT to see how he can help with my codependency issues. I am committed to trying it for at least a month to see if it is adding value for me. Not talking to the wife about it. If I get value out of it I will continue, if not, I wont. First visit was this week, dude in his 60s, more of a generic intake session.Told him I have been working on improving myself and am looking for tools to not be codependent and not be validation seeking and looking for more tools to accomplish this goal. Through our conversation confirmed that the OODA loop is the same as cognitive therapy. I am intrigued enough to schedule another session. Rian you were right, she watches real housewives and I can all but guarantee she heard that line about watering the seeds of doubt bullshit from that.
Amos_Durden
2024-02-29 06:02:43 +0000 UTCLifting For the last 8 months: Stronglifts 5x5 3 times per week 1 session with personal trainer per week rotating from back + bis and legs + shoulders Play Hockey every two weeks Dating Date on Monday with a 30yo girl, a few years younger than me. Side note: what does HB mean when describing a chick? Met her at a dive bar I like and sat at the bar for a couple drinks with her. Great mood lighting with candles and good music volume, type of place thats a dream for hipster girls. She asked me what I do for work: "Male stripper" with a smirk her: OMG I love that so you have lots of cash Practiced kino, escalation ladder. Started with a hug when meeting. She had finger tattoos so that was an easy one, grabbed her hand and she told me all about them. Another tattoo on her arm, same thing. Got my bill after 2 drinks and so did she. Then she asked me what time I usually go to bed. Saw that as my opportunity. We chatted about our dogs earlier so I asked if she wanted to come back to mine and meet my dog. Got some hesitation and "which subway stop do you live by?". I live just outside the city, told her no subway and its a 15 min drive from the bar. She said maybe next time, I didn't press her on it, and she suggested we go on a bar crawl next time. We kissed for a bit then went our separate ways. It's been two days and she hasnt messaged me. My plan is to go out this weekend and shoot her a text telling her where I'm going and to come by and meet me. ---- My ex is messaging me to "babysit" our kids during her parenting time. Her word choice of babysit pissed me off but I ignored it. She asked that I "babysit" them at her place for a few hours while she goes out at night. Me: I'll pick the kids up and have them over for the night at my place She said no to that and that she will find another person to watch them at hers. A couple days later she messages me her bf (affair partner) will be the one watching the kids while she goes out. I used broken record: "I would rather have the kids stay at my place" Her: "You can babysit the kids at my place if you want to watch them so badly or hear me out, you and BF can watch them together at my place" Broken record: "I would rather have the kids stay at my place" A day later, Her: "If you really must babysit the kids at your house fine come pick them up at 730 pm." In the past I would have used way more words and fall into her frame. Divorce - Haven't paid spousal support for a year and there has been no claim for alimony yet. I was negotiating a lump sum payment a few months ago but its been radio silence on that. The goal is no spousal support and I am betting on ex's laziness to keep this pattern up of child support without spousal for as long as possible. I filed for divorce only and nothing else. It's on her to come after whatever she wants from me. Overall It's been about 1.5 years since separating from my ex and I still have dreams about her every week for the last couple months. Anger is lingering. About 3-4 months off SSRI's. I have days where I want to throw the bar bell across the gym. I've been approaching new dates from a mindset of "I hope they cancel" - resistance from getting out of my comfort zone? I have to remind myself not to go monk-mode. I cut jerking off down to 1-2 times per week from 3-4 to see how that motivates me to meet more women. I've had some good and bad one night stands. I'm ready to find a consistent plate or two I can rely on. Monday night date was the most relaxed and fun first date I've had, even though we didn't smash, it felt easier to escalate. I was turned on the entire date. Maybe I'm starting to get it. Nothing matters other than escalating and having a good time.
4thMostImportant
2024-02-29 02:12:05 +0000 UTC
