Patreon, R&P Q&A #276
Added 2024-07-04 18:08:43 +0000 UTCMy bad fellas. The new Patreon link creation UI is all fucked up and this has been sitting in the drafts since tuesday instead of posting.
I'lll reschedule this weeks patreon for Friday 2PM EST (same time)
Comments
Internalized toxic shame! Scarcity mindset! No actual frame! What and how do you think she should behave? When your there and when you're not? Would it be ok for her to sunbathe with friend's male and female topless? Why not? What is the boundary and the immediate consequence for crossing it? How many plates are you spinning? When did you drop your last plate? did you initiate the exclusivity talk? How many times have you read NMMNG and WISNIFG. Have you practiced any of the concept from the books successfully? Do you actively practice manufactured outrage, DEER , amused mastery, fogging, negative inquiry, Ect.? Do you have an overarching Vision for your life? Your answer will tell you where you have work to do.
will zill
2024-07-14 01:42:03 +0000 UTCIt’s not that I’m afraid to offend her. it’s that I don’t want to nuke my marriage over it. Sure I could’ve called her bluff about it being divorce-worthy and I sure as hell didn’t have to let her make me feel bad about what I did, but I’m better off hanging with the boys anyway. I already have some dread working in my favor and it’s not a huge deal for me stop doing. I try to compromise at my discretion, though.
Enock
2024-07-12 22:33:49 +0000 UTCAlso @stripper your feedback is also good man. If you have a thought, I'd appreciate it!
Diego Verga
2024-07-12 14:43:03 +0000 UTCOk, I think this is the right place to get my question answered in the next Q&A I hope. In any case, hi Rian and folks, longtime member, mostly lurker. I see what other guys do, test it out for myself and I've seen improvement in my life. I have a question about something small. For context, I was playing the field with varying success up until about 11 months ago when I got into a relationship with a girl I really like (me 31, her 22). Yes, we're almost at the year mark, and it's been relatively easy to maintain for me, as long as I follow the "be attractive, don't be unattractive" principle. Before this particular relationship, all my other ones lasted up to 6 months at the most. So this is my first 'true' LTR. And boy, am I really seeing what you meant when you said that a guy really needs to have a woman to build and test his frame. I'm running into situations that I'm not sure how to deal with at the beginning but I just remember to STFU and retreat. Here is one of those: Small thing, but I'm not sure how to approach it. My girl went to visit family in the next state over. She used to live in that city so she also has some childhood friends there, So she likes to sent me videos of where she is and interesting little things she runs into, normal stuff. In one that she sent me, she's walking with her friend (also a female), and at the end of the video she pans the phone to both of them and they do a silly face, but as she's panning the phone back, I notice she's wearing a tank top without a bra. The outline of her nips are visible. I don't like that, I don't care how hot it is, if she's going outside, I'd expect her to cover up the goods, however minimally they're showing. What am I to think if I see that? HOWEVER, I didn't say anything, because I don't know if I'd be overreacting. I still don't like it though. So my question is a twofer: 1. Am I overreacting? is this being too sensitive/possessive? 2. If not, how can I, for a lack of a better term, communicate to her that wearing a top that shows the outline of her nipples is not cool? Part of me wants to think that she didn't really think about it as bad. Thi sis because when we were at her parents earlier in the summer, she'd walk around in the house in her panties and just wearing a t-shirt with no bra, in front of her mom and dad and sister. Granted, the dad was also walking around in just his boxers, in front of them and me. That is something we don't do in my family but I can see how different families have different perspectives on that. Also, I met her when she was 20, and was very shy and meek then. She's always been a more sensitive woman. During the time that we've been dating, she's been using more makeup and wearing more femenine and revealing clothes that she didn't feel as confident to wear before. Same with makeup. Before me, she'd wear minimal makeup and now as her confidence grows, she's experimenting with more things. I can tell that she's experimenting because sometimes she'll go overboard on accident and look more along the lines of a scene girl mixed with a cholita. thankfully she always asks for my opinion so I'm able to steer her to what I like. Other than that, sex is good, 3-4 times a week, treats me how I want to be treated, will clean my apartment when she's over without prompting, buy little things for my apartment, etc. So everything is going good, just since this item about the nipples' outline being visible under the shirt in public, I don't know how to address it with her. Feedback from anyone is appreciated. Hope you guys are having a good one! UPDATE: I watched those clips she sent me again. I can see the bra strap underneath. I'm sure what I saw that I thought was a nipple was probably the bra's wiring, etc. thank God I kept my mouth shut and waited, it was a false alarm. But my question still stands, how would one deal with this situation if it were to come up? But more importantly, I think this just shows me how insecure I am. I'm going to have to address that instead. In the future, it may be good to remind myself of situations like this where I ended up feeling threatened over nothing. Hmm....
Diego Verga
2024-07-12 14:23:19 +0000 UTCWe met during my first year of college, 10 years ago. Hell, the way you put it definitely could be worse than it seems to me. I began lifting around 2 months ago, down 10lbs so far. Will definitely follow the advice on the reading.
Hill364
2024-07-12 14:03:50 +0000 UTCWhy are you afraid of offending her? What effect do you think not talking to other women has on your relationship?
Owning My Shit
2024-07-12 07:44:03 +0000 UTCWhen did you meet your wife? Re read NMMNG and WISNIFG on repeat for the months. Internalise all the information in them. “I think my situation might not be as bad as it gets” Oh it’s a lot worse than you seem to think! “Physically I’m unquestionably in a bad place. and then much muscle to be gained.” (translation) I don’t lift. How’s the diet? I’ll assume it’s pretty shit! Considering the context of everything else you have written is back to front. “my wife can be a SAHM.” Bad deal! What was your wife doing before she got preggers? Was this planned? “I moved to her town 2 years ago, and I haven’t put too much effort in making new friends, and feel like I work too much and decompress too little.” This is a massive covert contract waiting to BLOW THE FUCK UP. “Our sexlife was always decent, (doesnt like to give or receive oral sex, only likes to do it missionary or cowgirl)” What the fuck is this? Seriously! “Family life is also alright” “The wife’s a little disorganized with the baby and house care” “(we have a maid once a week to do the rougher cleaning)” ONE FUCKING BABY! What the fuck is this? “We don’t disagree or fight often, probably because I’m too accommodating. I think my fear of conflict is a big part of this” you are standing at the door walk, why the fuck haven’t you walked through? “she’ll incentivize me to make friends, do good things for myself, etc.” Why is she the one telling you not to be a loser? you say one thing and explain the opposite. everything you have written is back to front. First steps for RP journey. 1. Read NMMNG and WISNIFG 2. Lift 3. STFU What is the point of anyone giving advice when you can't even be fucked to do these simple things!
will zill
2024-07-11 22:18:06 +0000 UTCWhat I meant by fair and equal was that I wouldn’t offend her by chatting up other girls just like she wouldn’t do so with other guys. I think that it is respecting her because it shows that she is exclusive to me. I want to respect her to at least some degree because she is the woman I chose to make my wife and not some random girl.
Enock
2024-07-11 20:44:56 +0000 UTCI’m travelling with friend and the group agreed on waking up early. I said I hated it but that this time I would do it. The next day woke up grumpy and butthurt because I had agreed to something deep down I did not want (because I had been “forced” by the group). Bullshit. Nobody forced me to do anything, I opted in on that shit. The next day I told them I wouldn’t wake up early and that I could go meet them later. Interestingly, everybody decided to wake ip later the following day - maybe being pulled to my frame. A friend of mine was being blocked from getting into a bus because he was inadvertently showing the wrong ticket. The driver was trying to kick him out, but I fogged and did broken record and that gave enough time for a random lady to give him a ticket of hers. I was talking in the water with a friend when a group of American girls approached us asking if I could take a photo. I teased by saying an emphatic “No!” and they started showing interest asking where we were from. When they asked if the photos were good I teased them by saying I would have to check in the end but that at least the view behind them was good. I was not in the mood to waste too much time to talk with them, so asked for their instagrams. At that point they lost interest. I probably I came off a bit too strong but had fun throwing shit and seeing if it landed.
Owning My Shit
2024-07-11 06:14:03 +0000 UTCWhat does “fair and equal” mean? Why do you think that is respecting her? Why do you want to respect her?
Owning My Shit
2024-07-11 06:08:43 +0000 UTCBecause it’s my way of respecting her in that regard.
Enock
2024-07-10 18:57:58 +0000 UTCWhy do you want to be fair and equal?
Owning My Shit
2024-07-10 17:49:55 +0000 UTCYeah I took her feelings into consideration and to be honest, I really wouldn’t mind being around women otherwise. I thought about being fair and equal to her when it came to interacting with the opposite sex. Like if it’s not okay for her to converse casually with other men then I can’t do so with women either. At the same time, I don’t think that I’d be so bent out of shape if she made small talk with someone other than me who happens to be a guy. I remember her working at a clinic and working with all kinds of patients, including guys who liked talking to her. Didn’t bother me at all since she handled herself just fine. No fear of infidelity from her whatsoever on my part. She doesn’t have that same trust for me though. Part of it is religious reasons for the boundary too, though. I also hate the idea of breaking a promise so openly. I know I was acting of my own accord at the time but it still doesn’t sit right with me. I’m trying to act on my own morality when it comes to promises. Still, I wonder what I would’ve done if she hadn’t gotten mad about me going. I probably wouldn’t have gave a damn about that boundary.
Enock
2024-07-09 22:09:36 +0000 UTCYou crossed a boundary you both had agreed on. Firstly, why di you agree? Second, you can always break your promise if you want. It seems that you only agreed not to talk to another girl because you’re afraid of hurting her feelings. Even if she “deserves it”, not talking and being around other women is never the way to go. You’re a charming attractive dude, of course you’re gonna be around women. If she deserves comfort, give her, but stop castrating yourself and justifying it on a “sense of honor to your word”.
Owning My Shit
2024-07-09 18:19:06 +0000 UTCField Report #1 30yo, married for 2 years (wife 29yo), have a 1yo boy. 5’7”, 175lbs, 26% BF last week. Read Frame + Dread twice, NMMNG twice. Decided to subscribe to get outside help because I tend to read too much and apply too little. I think my situation might not be as bad as it gets but I feel it’s headed the wrong way. Physically I’m unquestionably in a bad place. About two months ago I started doing calisthenics and running twice a week, and playing tennis once a week. Already lost 8lbs But there’s about 25lbs more to go, and then much muscle to be gained. Professionally I’m doing pretty well. I work as a medical doctor, and make enough so that my wife can be a SAHM. I moved to her town 2 years ago, and I haven’t put too much effort in making new friends, and feel like I work too much and decompress too little. Our sexlife was always decent, but I think I need to step up to make it better. Frequency has decreased from 3-4 to about 1-2 times a week, with ocasional hard no’s, but not too often. My wife was raised catholic so she has a lot of hangups (doesnt like to give or receive oral sex, only likes to do it missionary or cowgirl). I haven’t pressed much because of my own insecurities and low value, I think. Family life is also alright but could be much improved. The wife’s a little disorganized with the baby and house care, aswell as with the baby’s sleep, I think she needs guidance on some sort of structure and schedule to follow. I think it’s very common, but the seems to think it’s a lot of work and a difficult job to do (we have a maid once a week to do the rougher cleaning). We don’t disagree or fight often, probably because I’m too accomodating. I think my fear of conflict is a big part of this. Otherwise she’s not much of a nagger, and when she is she’s usually right (I’m very disorganized), and she’ll incentivize me to make friends, do good things for myself, etc. A few days ago she complained over my lack of neatness and I realized I got butthurt because of a covert contract (since I provide for everyone, I shouldn’t have to do much at home), which is definitely childish on my part. I think my other covert contracts are along this same entitlement mentality, I want everything handed over since I provide for everybody. My main focus right now is to develop my frame, and #1 priority is to get in better shape. Glad to receive your insights.
Hill364
2024-07-09 16:54:22 +0000 UTCI think I’m getting better at knowing when I’m actually wrong about something. It’s handling the fact that I’m wrong that I struggle with at the moment. Particularly being made into a villain when I make a mistake. Internalizing the saying “does she have a point?” helps me discern if her criticisms of my behavior are valid instead of jumping to conclusions about her trying to manipulate me or her putting me down excessively to make herself feel better. In this case she did the latter and I let her get away with it. Recently, I backpedaled on something that made her distrust me. Specifically telling her that I’ll limit my interactions with other women if I can. The very next day I want to visit my friend but it turned out his female friend was coming with him last minute. I didn’t tell her, but I was going to see him anyway despite that sudden news. Me: Okay babe I’m about to go Her: Alright babe. No girls! Me: We’ll see. Her: We’ll see?! You’re going to see an another girl? Me: It’s my friend’s female friend. Her: Enock you told me that you wasn’t going to do this?! Me: Don’t worry I’m not gonna brush up on her leg or anything. Now to me, I’m just hanging out with my buddy while he brings a third-wheel along. Nothing so egregious as to think that I’m violating any boundaries. I leave shortly after and tell her goodbye. During my outing with my buddy, it turned out his female friend had a boyfriend that was with her and she wasn’t afraid to make their relationship known to me with obvious gestures. I reserved my assertive right to make a decision and deal with the consequences later. Talking to my friend that I didn’t see in a while was more important to me in the moment even though this friend of his was coming along. I knew that limiting my interaction with women for her sake was something that I agreed to but I did it anyway. Later that same day I changed my mind about hanging out with other people I don’t know around him because I do actually enjoy spending time with just him without any third-wheelers. When I got home. I told her that I’ll make sure it’s just him next time we hang out to reassure her because why not? she earned it. However, I’m greeted with some things of hers packed up and ready to leave the house because that’s how deeply hurt she was about it. I hear her out through all her tears and heartbreak and she did have a point about what I said previously about being around other chicks. The fact of the matter was that I did cross a boundary that we both agreed upon, but she made it seem as though I was excited to hang out with this new chick instead of my long-time buddy, that I was being dishonest, and that I was taking her for granted for being a good wife to me. I could’ve used assertive tools to communicate that it wasn’t about this chick, etc, etc, but chose to DEER about it instead which obviously gave her more fuel to judge me. I apologized, told her I’d do better, and that I loved her. While I commend myself for owning my decision at the time of doing it, it was unwise given the aforementioned boundary. Me not being around other women is my way of reciprocating her not hanging around other guys (rewarding good behavior). However, It was even more unwise that I let her demonize me the way she did by not standing up for myself. So much for re-reading WISNIFG. Why deal with the consequences of something if you can’t handle them? At any rate, I didn’t want to supplicate to her any further as to hastily get in her good graces again. Right now I’m pretty much acting normal and goldfish the whole thing when I can. I’m also keeping in mind to not compromise on any boundaries that I have currently of my own. I know that my wife tends to capitalize on moments of weakness like this so I can buckle on something. I’m glad that my wife apologized to me for making a huge deal out of it and she asked me what she can do better. I told her she can talk to me with more respect. Let’s hope so. In other news. I got another job with even better pay. The wife doesn’t know how much I’m gonna be making now. I told her it was more than enough and that’s it. That said, I can drop working more than one job now. Although, I have a feeling I should hang on to my current job maybe one day a week for every other week perhaps. Just to see how I like this new gig. I dunno, what do y’all think?
Enock
2024-07-09 15:11:50 +0000 UTCThings are going better. It could be because of dread, it could be because she's cheating on you, who the fuck knows. Relax a little bit, continue to handle your own shit, keep an eye open, enjoy the sex and in a few weeks, you'll settle into a new normal with new problems.
Op Sec
2024-07-05 18:05:42 +0000 UTCField Report #15 2024-07-04 (4 weeks since last Field Report) This was a much more enjoyable report than most of mine. Any suggestions on how to not fuck things up would be appreciated. It has been a very busy 4 weeks: Summary: * The last field report that I posted here was that crazy sex week report – from starvation to 5 times in that one week – which was a shocker. The good news is that since then the sex has continued at 2-3 times per week – so I’ve had more sex in the last month than in multiple years combined. * Wife is still overweight - but she has turned from a shrew to pleasant, kind, and sexual. She is visibly affectionate in ways that she never was before - such as unsolicited hugs, and kisses on the lips during the day. I didn’t believe it was possible. She even removed the pillow fort (unsolicited by me) and asked me to return to bed. I do sleep with her most nights now, but I still use the guest room for a night of deep sleep when I need a night off. Now she says she is going to go back to the gym; I hope so. * I have been asking myself is all this change a result of building WISNIFG and NMMNG skills and getting in shape? Did I make improvements and become more fuckable? Or is something else going on? Did sleeping in the guest room and turning off the GPS tracking on my phone create dread? It was like a switch flipped. It has been such a 180-degree change that I am a suspicious and concerned that I am missing something. * My daughter’s wedding week was awesome fun. There was quite a bit of pre-selection being the father of the bride at all of the various wedding events – women from the extended social circle showing attention, chatting me up, wanting to dance, etc. With all the weight I have lost, I certainly look alot better than I did previously - and the wedding confirmed that I look alot better than my peers and most men my age - but I still have much more work to do there. * I went out several times with guy friends, which was enjoyable and gave me some male comradery. I have been drinking too much so I’ve got some new goals on changing that below. * I slacked off on my diet during the wedding week, with lots of eating and drinking. I initially gained 5 lbs during the wedding week but have since worked off 3 of them and expect to be back on target later this week. * I seemed to have created a pattern of separating sex from intimacy. Wife and I take regular showers together 1-2 times per week. * I still have separation plans from my lawyer that can be launched at any time when I need to. It is a really strange feeling to go from divorce planning to experiencing the best month of our marriage in literally over a decade. I have put the separation plans on hold for now, but it feels good to have the legal paperwork in my back pocket and ready to go if I need it. New Goals: * Improve Tracking of my New Habits: I read Atomic Habits by James Clear. I am increasing discipline in executing assertive and health-conscious behaviors. * I downloaded a habit tracker on my phone to keep track of everything that I am doing. I have been meticulous about this. It may be overkill, but I think I need this level of discipline to retain all that I have been learning from you regarding assertiveness, niceguyitis, frame, and dread – and to overcome years of blue pilled conditioning. This is helping me keep all of these skills in front of my face daily so that I don’t fall back into old habits and continue to make progress. Here are some of the things I am tracking: * Red Pill Skills Being Tracked - Asking myself what do I want?: I don’t do this enough and need to do this more to increasingly make myself my own mental point of origin. I have set a goal for 5 times per day. - Implemented 2/3 rule: Giving back 2/3 of whatever I receive from her. I actually think that for me 1/3 is a better rule of thumb for me so I am aiming for 1/3. - No Lying - No DEERING - No Validation Seeking - No Covert Contracts - Actually saying “No” when I want to say No - Using STFU - Tracking my use of WISNIFG skills: Fogging, broken record, etc. - Tracking my use of Amused Mastery and Agree and Amplify: I currently suck at these but by forcing myself to track my use of them I am starting to improve. * Health - Eating apples and green vegetables: These keep me full and prevent me from overeating. Tracking them specifically so that they stay top of mind. -Avoidance of certain foods that are trigger foods for me – mostly bread and crackers, peanut butter, and alcohol. - Reducing alcohol intake. - Gym Workouts and Diet Macros – I was already tracking these and continue to do so. - Getting in bed by 10:00 pm I also have many other life goals (business, lifestyle, hobbies, etc.) - things that I want to do and experience - that I am tracking but not reporting on here. Parting thoughts: * A while back Stripper asked me what I would do if my wife made a complete turnaround and back then I said that I would be tempted to stay, but also that I wouldn’t be able to trust her. Now that I have experienced what seems to be a turnaround, I have to admit that it is hard for me to be viscerally angry. The anger is basically gone, but I still remember years of pain and anguish. It hurts to think about it and is a very powerful reminder of the threat that is still there if I lapse back into old ways. * With the anger largely gone I see what you mean about motivation dropping. I am staying motivated by pursuing what I want – which is a different kind of motivation than anger. I am taking very seriously your admonishments not to reward her good behavior with the niceguy behaviors that got me into this whole mess to begin with.
Ground Hog Day
2024-07-04 19:28:49 +0000 UTC
