Comments
You handled the shit test fine. You didn’t lie to spare her feelings, told the truth; and didn’t suggest running out and getting her all new shit like a good little beta. I do agree that was her way of saying “I want to look sexier to you so you want to take me to pound town” womenese is like pig Latin for dummies. You know you are doing something right when a teen (assuming teen) daughter comments on your attire. This is solid work. Kept your cool but pressed them about the room, pivoted and made a new plan on the fly. Cool, calm just like Tom Cruise. Nice
Validation Junkie
2024-07-05 17:41:21 +0000 UTCThe alcohol is a crutch, but it curtails some learning as you end up retaining less and forgetting shit. You become less inhibited and rely on that. If the goal is to score it can help, if you want to get better faster skip it.
Op Sec
2024-07-05 17:31:09 +0000 UTCYes, you did open the floor back up, but who cares. You should be your own mental point of origin. So it's late, next time it won't be as late. perhaps it starts some shit, but it works for your plan, and that's what matters.
Op Sec
2024-07-05 17:25:30 +0000 UTCSo by doing this I basically opened the floor back up for her to criticize me or have a fight? Next time I should just straight up own my bad mood and not deny it or just ignore her? I came back and owned my mood for me. I usually lie about it to “manage” her emotions/cover contract. I will make sure not to let it become a tool to manger her emotions.
Validation Junkie
2024-07-05 17:19:12 +0000 UTCTotally agree. And I actually have the money. Maybe it was an excuse not to be assertive.
Owning My Shit
2024-07-05 16:24:09 +0000 UTCAnother thing to consider is 'thinking bigger'. You're getting upset over 650 euros. I get that you're a student and at this point in your life, it feels like a lot of money. But it's fuck all to any accomplished man. I think you should start acting like the future person you want to be. In 10 years, you shouldn't give a shit about 650 euros, but you will care about how you interact and draw boundaries with people in your life. Use your landlord as a sparring partner. If you were to take an L on the 650, then it's a cheap lesson. If you take a W, then great, you have the money. But in both cases, you're further ahead as a person. Batman origin story incoming... I worked my ass off during university in the summer months. I worked on a farm 7 days a week. Working hard became part of my ego and how I defined myself. A friend of mine, who retired in his 20's after making millions on Wall Street, told me his story... in University he went to the beach every day and picked up chicks. He maxed out his student loans to pay for school. His dad asked why he wouldn't work and his answer was that he was worth more than minimum wage and that in a few years he was going to be a multi-millionaire and $100k in student debt would be fuck all. He leaned game and I got a bad back for just over minimum wage. He saw things correctly because he believe in his future self. Think bigger, like he did.
Dave
2024-07-05 16:18:34 +0000 UTCPoints taken. I'm not trying to 'show that bitch' anything. I'm as apathetic as I can be given the circumstances. I've cut her out of my life, I don't think about her and I don't care what she thinks of me. All I want is to come out of this with as much as my money as I can. I'm not being disagreeable with her to prove a point, I'm doing it because I don't have many other cards to play. I need to signal that I'm willing to fight this out and attack her character. The goal is to incentivize her to settle. At some point, I need to open the door for negotiation and if I try to burn it all down, the risk is a full on court battle... I accept that possibility, but it's not my first choice. They needed to see my financials before they could start talking about a deal. They have that now, and the financials are exactly what I told her a year ago. I think in her mind, I had assets hidden all over the place. The reason she thinks that is my business partners are living large, while I lived way under my means. To your point covert... I stopped preparing my affidavit with all the juicy details of her shitty parenting, but my lawyer told me to get it all documented. So I'm not completely driving the bus here, but I get your point because I deal with the same shit in my world... some clients want to dictate strategy and they're rarely as effective as me. As you know, this is common between professionals. Doctors, lawyers, engineers... they all do it, and we are sometimes bad clients for that reason.
Dave
2024-07-05 16:05:07 +0000 UTCGreat work on losing 40 pounds. That's awesome. In previous posts, you talked about drinking too much this past year. Is it a good idea to go out and drink? You're putting a cap on it, but you're also making a mental association between alcohol and having fun.
Dave
2024-07-05 15:51:16 +0000 UTCThe self deprecation rule from Rollo is a bad one. The tone is what matters, not the words. It's a confidence move when done right. To me, amusing is being fun to be around and funny is being fun conversationally. But ya, you're reading into it too much. You need to detach sex from her demands of you.
Dave
2024-07-05 15:46:44 +0000 UTCI agree. The thing is that it is my parents’ money. I do have the money to pay them if I need, but if I can avoid it I will. The real problem is me thinking that by compromissing I diminish the chances of her taking the deposit. Not only is that not correct (a bit if a threat point situation as I mentioned i nthe FR), but also I now see it’s a covert contract.
Owning My Shit
2024-07-05 14:45:58 +0000 UTCAll that strategic thinking is interesting, but have you actually considered what you want, how realistic what you want is, and what you are willing to do to get it? My view is that your attorney is ill-serving you by letting you dictate strategy. The mantra I was taught was "Clients decide goals. Lawyers decide strategy to achieve goals. And never the two should flip."
CovertContractAttorney
2024-07-05 14:23:13 +0000 UTCWhen I rent, I assume that the deposit is forfeit. That money is not in your accounts, and like Dave alluded to, you have limited control over whether you can satisfy the contractual requirements to get the deposit back. The fact that you cared about the deposit is what gave the landlord power over you in that instance--albeit they will still have power over you because of the lease agreement but that's beside the point.
CovertContractAttorney
2024-07-05 14:19:05 +0000 UTCA) If you're shopping for a new attorney, the new attorney will recognize you are dissatisfied with the current attorney. Satisfied clients don't generally shop around. 2) What do you want with the divorce? What price is peace from the Stbx worth to you? The answers to those questions will determine the other issues. III) From a strategic standpoint, things need to come to a head. Mediation would the option I would take to get everything finalized. But, I don't do foreign law so I don't know if that is available or advisable.
CovertContractAttorney
2024-07-05 14:15:19 +0000 UTCA pointer on this: "On Monday I woke up in a pretty crappy mood. . . I quickly denied being in a shitty mood. . . While I was out I remembered Riane talked about just owning your shit when you are in a shitty mood, that chicks just want to know it’s not them." You recognized right afterward that this was nice guy behavior, and shortly afterward rather than days later. OODA loop tightening. But, then you... ". . .got back I walked in and just told her exactly why I was in a shitty mood. It was fucking awesome to own my shitty mood. I think that’s the first time I have ever done that." I get you did that to practice disclosing things in an assertive way. But, you're lucky that didn't restart some argument. Next time, take the loss internally. Otherwise, be mindful that you didn't make the disclosure because you were trying to manage her emotions--another nice guy behavior / covert contract.
CovertContractAttorney
2024-07-05 14:05:33 +0000 UTCMy wife was out of town for a work conference for two nights. I took care of the kids no problem (insert Archwinger's post on doing the hardest job in the world in 4 hours). Last Friday, she's driving back, we talk. She tells me she wishes I and the kids could have come since there was a resort with a huge pool and lazy river. As I listen, I think, man, that would be fun. I decide at that moment we're going to go to a resort with a lazy river for the weekend. Get logistics situated as she finishes her drive. She walks in, and I tell her, don't unpack too much, we're going to a resort with a lazy river this weekend. She gets excited, and then we proceed to pack / repack before picking up the kids to get on the road. As she packs, she tries to give me a shitty comfort test about the fact that her pajamas aren't as sexy as I would like, trying to shame me/ suggest she's too much a mom. I respond with a, yeah, I would prefer you wear sexier things. I continue on my business. I didn't think about it at the time, but on reflection, that should have told me she was thinking about sex in her Catholic woman way. My working assumption is that she has the Madonna/Whore complex as much as I have/had. We drive to the resort. On the way, the resort calls apologizing that the system messed up and they don't have the room that was promised. I pushed, but it ended up being genuine. We park, the kids and I have to use the facility. Then, we start looking for a new resort. Find one that seems available. I tell my wife to book it on the internet, and I proceed to call to and confirm the room actually is available. It was. We go, get dinner, settle in for the night. The new resort room ended up being a two bedroom--one for the kids and one for us. We all end up crashing early. The next morning, I wake up to my wife reading on her phone's kindle app. I make my move, and as I do so, I hear her say "finally you're awake." I gather she was reading, waiting for me to wake up so I could initiate. That is something I'm going to watch for more--staying in bed in the morning rather than immediately getting up to get coffee--as part of her sex signal. (Insert Rollo girls just need to show up with beer here). Enjoy the day at the pool in the morning. Shopping afterward--as my daughter commented later we totally got cute outfits. Down to 235 (so 40 lbs. lost) and fitting into off the rack clothes again. Not used to it. Attempt to initiate the next morning, but she went to get coffee. I get dressed, find the kids, and go grab real coffee and bagels. We leave for home and enjoy the rest of the day. Wife and kids have now left for their annual visit to the in-laws. Unfortunately, I had to deal with work problems the last few days (including putting in 8 hrs on America day yesterday) because a shareholder was miffed with another associate's work. Plan next week is to go to the local watering hole to do some sarging, practice limiting myself to two-drink maximum so I can practice game some more.
CovertContractAttorney
2024-07-05 14:01:41 +0000 UTCHome life has become easier and not a day goes by without me thanking Rian. Here is a conversation we had one morning a few days ago. "You never take me out. That’s why I am stressed and angry." - I can see how you would feel that way. "You promised to buy me a massage and a theater night. This life in a rented apartment and constant money struggles are driving me crazy. You never do anything for me." - Yes, absolutely nothing, ever. Another one: "How am I supposed to be intimate with you when you..." - Yes, that does sound hard. Questions: 1. You have mentioned to never self deprecate. Tell me more. In public speaking that seems the only type of humor I can tolerate from a speaker. 2. Amusing, intriguing or funny. What is the distinction between amusing and funny? Why use those exact words? There probably is a reason behind it.
Eric Roberts
2024-07-05 08:36:11 +0000 UTC@Dave Nice. Completely did not see that covert contract. I actually now think a maid is a good idea. Not every week, but every other week to clean up and relieve some work on my end. But yeah, I was thinking “If I agree with her she wont take my deposit and I will have a problem free life”.
Owning My Shit
2024-07-05 06:06:25 +0000 UTC@Stripper I’m living with other people. I think she said it because a girl that is going to move in wants a maid. Doesn’t really matter though. After this I thought about it and a maid is actually a good idea.
Owning My Shit
2024-07-05 06:04:36 +0000 UTCDave: I couldn’t agree more.
Validation Junkie
2024-07-05 06:00:28 +0000 UTCThanks!
Validation Junkie
2024-07-05 05:59:11 +0000 UTCFitness – My body feels good and is recovering well from the bike crash. I can now do all my usual lifts without problems. I’m doing stuff 6 or 7 days a week... 2 runs, 1 hike, 1 bike and 2-3 weight sessions. Diet – I plateaued a bit on the weight loss, but I'm not reading into it because I could be gaining muscle back while losing fat. In the mirror, it looks that way. I’m about half-way to where I want to be. All my summer clothes fit properly again. Divorce – Lots happening on this front. I filed all my financials earlier this week ahead of a Mediation / Discovery with a judge next week. My ex-wife wanted to have the meeting done over Teams because she broke her foot and has Covid. We said, let’s take the next available date in 6 weeks but she chose to make the meeting… note that she lives 4 hours away so travel is more difficult for her. I assume her father will drive her. I got along very well with him and we always had a lot of mutual respect and friendship. I’m not sure how I should interact with him, but I’ll play it nice, say hi and shake his hand. My strategy to this point was to be disagreeable and confront her on everything. So not agreeing to the Teams call was congruent with that. The fact that they accepted the in-person meeting means time matters more to them than me, which is one of my only cards to play. So that’s a negotiation win. I also picked my lawyer because he’s a bit gruff and sarcastic. That plays better in person than on a Teams call. I’m going to print off the draft settlement agreement I gave her 10 months ago and pull it out in the Mediation and say my offer stands. I think that will be a negotiation win because it makes her feel like nothing has happened in a year, despite tremendous stress for her. That sets the stage for a counter offer. I’ll play up that if she doesn’t take my offer framework, the alternative would be me getting half of her teacher pension. Whether I pull the agreement out at the Mediation or not, that's going to be either my offer or counter-offer to them. Another strategy that I could play is putting some goodies in an offer for my kid. I could write up that he’ll get a $10k or $20k payment upon acceptance. She’s probably dumb enough to show him the agreement and he will then pressure her relentlessly to accept it… that was my mistake in the first agreement. If I had goodies for him, this would probably be done. The Judge is probably going to tell me that there is no way around a high Spousal Support payment. I'm going to say I disagree because the law speaks to maintaining a standard of living and I've lived well below my means during the marriage, so my income would result in a massive increase in her standard of living. Secondly, I'm going to say that I call into question her mental stability and parenting ability and that it would be risky to give her an exorbitant amount of money. As of today, I have taken my kid out of my Last Will and Testament, so he’ll inherit nothing from me. Right now, that’s millions he’s going to lose out on. That said, I’m not sure it’s a good idea giving a Cluster B mentally ill person an incentive to collect on that money early. Or I could tell him that flat out, if this ends up going to Court, you’ll get nothing from me.
Dave
2024-07-04 23:28:56 +0000 UTCThink of the message behind the words when dealing with chicks. They're indirect and they're neurotic. You should ask yourself what are they really trying to communicate. It's often different than what the words are saying. In this case, she wanted to confirm you''d be responsible for cleaning the place up. If the damage deposit is subjective, then you're operating under a covert contract. If the outcome is her being satisfied, then you've put yourself in a bad spot because now you have to make her happy. If you have legal recourse through the government, then you're covered. Either way, you could have avoided this situation at the front end.
Dave
2024-07-04 23:23:09 +0000 UTCI did not think it was a W at all. I compromised on what I wanted because I was afraid she would get mad and take the 650€ deposit she has of mine. You’re right on the rest though.
Owning My Shit
2024-07-04 21:25:02 +0000 UTCThat's not really fogging... it's validating. You compromised on something you didn't want. Half of a shit sandwich is still a shit sandwich. I think the better response would have been, "I understand that cleaning is my responsibility and I'll make sure things are left as they were when I got here." She'd probably be happier with that response because you would have taken responsibility for the outcome. Right now, you've kept her partly responsible and she's lost half of what she would have wanted (i.e. more cleaning). That's why she brought it up again... she's not comfortable with your compromise. This wasn't the W you thought it was.
Dave
2024-07-04 21:21:04 +0000 UTC——— Landlord Assertivity ——— My landlord tried to force me to hire a maid to come every week and pay it by myself. Since she has a deposit of money that I’ll get back in a month if I don’t break anything and things are tidy, I tried to be assertive while playing a bit of a “better beta” game. So I told her that I understood why she would want the maid to come (fogging) and I would be okay with the maid coming every 2 weeks (workable compromisse), even though I did not want the maid. Here my doubt is if compromising on what I wanted is generally a good way to with people that have a certain ammount of power over you or if that power is just an illusion and I’m falling for a “threat-point” kind of situation. ——— Consistency ——— I just finished my exams today. Everything went well and what really worked for me was making sure I showed up everyday and did my 7 pomodoros, independently of how I felt. I did that for a month and a half and it worked. Showing up day in and day out is the real difference between success and failure. So, generally speaking, I would much rather choose a sustainable goal and meet it consistently for a long period of time then aiming for a bug goal and burning out fast. Ambitious daily goals are more suited for short-term things I don’t have to keep for a long time.
Owning My Shit
2024-07-04 20:59:12 +0000 UTCLOL chicks... 40+ trying to lock a young 20 guy down. It's not going to end well for her either. The captain and her husband. Tradcons need to see stuff like this. If a public figure who represents the belief system can't keep it together, then why would any in the flock? Technology like social media has more social influence on us than any belief system ever could. There is no amount of social pressure that's going to change how chicks are.
Dave
2024-07-04 20:56:51 +0000 UTCHey Everyone, Quick update: Sex Life: Good. Plates: Only one plate due to being very busy, but I’m sourcing through OLD and social networks. Gym Life: Consistent gym sessions, dealing with minor injuries but pushing through. Fitch programme combine with time under tension and prison reps. Mission: As I stated involving myself in cultural world was a goal this year. I had an exhibition that received great public response and opened new opportunities. The curators put my work centre stage. There was a lot of fuss about the work. Collectors are interested in purchasing. I spotted the STBX in the area sniffing out the work. She’s in the arts too. Knew a backlash would be forthcoming because AWALT. It did, see further down. Work Life: Improved. Using the "work like an aristocrat" concept has helped me stay calm and adopt a relaxed approach, even with the intense startup environment and high expectations and responsibilities on me. I have three main issues: 1. STBX Inheritance and Child Custody: - STBX’s father passed away, and her mother went into pricey residential care. So money has been sent her way. - She’s taken our kids on a transatlantic trip for Christmas and is spending more on them. - She’s increasing legal actions due to newfound funds. - We have a 50/50 custody arrangement, which the kids prefer. It’s been in place for over a year. They find it more relaxed with me and feel they need equal time with me. She knows this and doesn’t want to listen to them or me on this. She’ll keep spending on legals though. - My financial reserves are depleted from legal fees, cars, medical expenses, and deferred taxes (covid scheme for small business in my country). I’m living month to month. - My current solicitor is expensive and I’ve lost confidence in them. I have potential connections for a new solicitor and need more affordable payments. But they’ll have to accept modest monthly payments. I need to frame this inteliigently. The current one dropped the ball on 3 occasions, should I tell the new ones prospects about that? - basically even if I wanted more time to myself the kids will be at my gaff because that’s where the 2 older ones want to be. This is a money play by the ex. And she has a greater warchest now. But no leverage with the kids. Any advice on handling this? 2. Plate Relationship: - She wants a boyfriend, while I want a casual relationship. - I Followed the Christopher Hitchens rule (slept with her three times), but the sex is a bit too vanilla for my taste. - She isn’t into the things I enjoy, like Hawk Tuah, haha. - I’d like to keep her around to keep the thirst away and leverage up to younger ones - any thoughts? - so how to keep her around while been overt about non monogamy. Any do’s and don’t on the framing of this to her? 3. Final 20% Last time I wrote, I was talking about the final push—“there is that 20% to go to get me to escape velocity.” I feel like am pushing very hard - maybe too hard - towards burnout and there is so much inbound flooding in at me at this stage. Cousin Eddie said to me: “Try (From rsd). I’m the shit because I’m the shit. The mm of: “I just need one more thing (20%) and then I will be the shit. Never goes well.” I think there is a bit of me believing my own hype that may help, but I am just fearful of coasting when I might need more applied action. I am pretty exhausted though and running more on my training than my initiative and innovation. Very little space for the latter. But I feel that’s where the transformation is. Thoughts? Thanks
So Woke da Wookie
2024-07-04 20:40:55 +0000 UTCField Report #7 Got the AC fixed, saved some cash and no one got heat stroke. I let my routine get fucked up my first week home. My father in law stayed at the house for a few days (during the ac issue), then a friend came through town. I took the family camping over the weekend and then I got a tattoo on Sunday. I basically made the mistake of cramming 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag. Classic WISNIFG behavior. On Monday I woke up in a pretty crappy mood. I didn’t feel good and slept like shit. My wife asked me why I was being such a dick. I quickly denied being in a shitty mood. I got dressed and went to get my coffee. While I was out I remembered Riane talked about just owning your shit when you are in a shitty mood, that chicks just want to know it’s not them. When I got back I walked in and just told her exactly why I was in a shitty mood. It was fucking awesome to own my shitty mood. I think that’s the first time I have ever done that. I don’t like to say “no” to activities and functions when I am home. It is like my own double bind, I am only home to two weeks at a time so I want to be active. At the same time I don’t want to be so active that I get burnt out. Of course I don’t want to be viewed as the salty asshole that never wants to do anything. “Nice Guy” behavior. So I decided to not give a fuck if they think I am an asshole for not wanting to camping after friends and family leave. Not to mention by saying “yes” to everything I had to clean up camp super early to get back to the house in time for my tattoo session. The other issue that I create for myself when I don’t say “no” is my workout and bjj routine get fucked up. Which makes me a cranky asshole So the following weekend when friends asked if we wanted to go camping up North, I said “no, I want to do a day trip.” It’s an hour drive which is easy and most importantly… I don’t workout on Sunday’s so it won’t fuck that up. I still get to do something with the family and got a solid 5 days of training. Wife: hey are we going to camp this weekend with (friends) Me: no, just going up for the day. Wife: oh, you couldn’t find a spot? Me: I didn’t look. I want to get back on track with training, and I don’t feel like camping last minute. I’m game for a day trip. Wife: sounds good to me. Me: Sweet It was a BFE for me and I am glad I made the adjustment. On a completely different note. I witnessed one of the most heinous zeroing outs of my time. I send my kids to a little Christian school. The Principal is a woman in her forties and her husband got diagnosed with an autoimmune condition about two years ago. He went from Chad to Billy in about 6 months. Whenever she talked about it I could tell it never sat well with her. Recently it came out that they divorced, she was fucking a 23 year old dude and trying to get pregnant by him. She already has a 14 and 17 year old. Dude got zeroed the fuck out by a sweet little old Christian Cougar! I just proxy witnessed the most red pill shit in my life. Two years ago I would have been irate at her, name calling and trying to bring her to justice. “Hold them bitches accountable!” Today, I completely understand why he got zeroed out, and I don’t blame her for jumping back on the cock carousel. It’s like the scorpion and the frog parable. It’s just in their nature. Just as wanting to fuck everything that moves is in ours. Maybe being zeroed out is in all of our futures, either way it’s doesn’t really fucking matter. It’s about the inner game “Ha! That stupid bitch banged so and so! Did me a fucking favor! On to the next one.”
Validation Junkie
2024-07-04 20:38:38 +0000 UTC
