Chapter 46 - For the Record

"If you want to,” is all she says.

…

That means no, doesn’t it?

(Basically,) Nyx says with a shrug.

Huh.

I sigh a small ash cloud. “Well... is there  anything else you want to do? Before I had lectures and classes and you  and master, I mostly just found interesting things to consume and get  stronger. Everything is so busy now. Why does it feel wrong to not have  something to do when I don’t have something to do? This wasn’t a problem  before. I am so confused.”

My paladin just... doesn’t say anything. Nothing at all. Meanwhile, we just keep walking in the direction of Pyrias’ hideout.

“I don’t really want to. I thought you might want to. They’re people who know me, or Nyx at least,” I finally say.

She stops walking. After a moment I stop as well and turn to face her.

“You don’t know anything about me,” she says quietly.

I shrug. “There’s not much to know about me,  but you’re not wrong. I haven’t been alive very long, not awake anyway,  but you definitely have. I know you’re older than me, a lot older.” she  furrows her brow, but I continue. “I haven’t been around you long enough  to know you, not really. You have a lot more experiences than me. And  the whole thing about not just being able to tell humans apart but to  actually register the differences as meaningful? It’s still new to me.”

Izahne turns to look off into the distance...  I’m not really sure what she’s looking at, since the sky here is just a  uniform gray blue. “I know,” she says after a moment. “I know you’re  not human, or anything like a human. You don’t understand anything about  right from wrong...”

I cut in. “I’m learning though, I at least  know I’m supposed to think about how I’d react if someone else did  something to me, before I do that to them.”

She sighs and tilts her head toward me over her shoulder. “Do you understand why?”

I think for a moment, but. Well, no. No I don’t. Don’t humans kill each other all the time? What about humans killing monsters?

“...Not really?” I answer.

My paladin looks back toward the sky. “I  know. No, you probably aren’t even capable of understanding. You don’t  even understand what emotions are, other than being things humans  experience.”

I blink. “I can at least tell that some are  good and some are bad. I’m pretty sure what you’re feeling right now is  something Nyx said is ‘melancholy’, and I’m pretty sure it’s a bad one. I  don’t completely understand why you’re feeling it though, and I don’t  know how to fix it. I know I can do some things and your emotions  change, but I don’t know how to fix this one.”

“You know,” she says, “sometimes you don’t  need to fix other people’s emotions. Sometimes you just need to let them  experience them. People aren’t puzzles to solve.”

“But isn’t it better if you have positive  ones? I mean, the closest thing I get is how I feel when I consume  something, or when I haven’t consumed anything in a long time... so  that’s what I think about it like. I know it’s not really the same  thing.”

Izahne sighs. After a moment, she breaks the  silence. “I know you’re trying. Sometimes trying isn’t enough. You don’t  really have much for limits, not anymore, but you need to understand  that some things just aren’t in your power.”

“Lots of things aren’t now, thanks to master.”

She gives me a long look. “That’s not what I mean. It’s not about rules, or what someone stronger than you won’t let you do.”

“Then help me learn. It isn’t like I’m making  no effort. Even if this is all just me learning sets of rules, or how I  need to act in different situations, it’s still effort,” I say.

We stand in silence for a while, her watching the empty sky and me not really sure where I’m supposed to look.

Time to guess, apparently.

“Why are you melancholic?” I ask.

“Well,” she answers, “a lot of things, I guess. Our situation is catching up with me. My situation is catching up with me. And the places you’ve taken me  today... you’ve terrorized almost everyone you’ve ever met. And before  you say it, I know. I know you didn’t know better, and still don’t understand the why of why you shouldn’t. That’s not even taking into account the blatant  poverty in places like that shack town. How many people there starve on a  daily basis? How many die from preventable disease? And then there’s  the violence...”

(Don’t answer her,) Nyx interjects.

What? Why?

(Just... let her vent. It’s clear she has a lot on her mind, and the pressure has been building up to this.)

Pressure? I glance over my paladin.

Izahne takes a breath and turns to face me.  “I’d ask if any of this affects you in any way, but I already know it  doesn’t. Watching you effortlessly glide past it all makes it clear just  how completely unaffected you are by everything around you, unless it’s  trying to attack you.”

“Empathy, right?” I tilt my head. “If I  understand right, most humans are born with empathy... but I wasn’t born  human, and I don’t have it. So I’m learning it, at least as well as I  can.”

“Yes. I know,” she says. “But...”

“But?”

“But, why? Why are you doing that? Why are  you trying to be empathetic? Why are you trying to do anything about  anyone’s emotions, let alone mine? Why are you doing anything, other  than kill and eat?”

I ponder her words.

“You know,” I start, “I’m not really sure  anymore. At first, it was because Nyx told me that humans in large  numbers are stronger than me. Then it was because it was interesting  talking to them, and I was bored. Then it was because talking to them  helps me find resources to feed my hunger and get stronger, or to use  them as camouflage. But then I met you and your party, and you followed  me, we got married, and I started at the academy. You and your party  moved into my lair. A lot of things have changed, and I don’t really  know why, but this, all of this, to me? It isn’t bad. And I’m learning a  lot of interesting things. It’s easier to blend in with humans if I  learn how to mimic one, so I don’t really get how this is a bad thing  that should be catching up with me. I don’t really get how it’s catching  up with you. But I know you aren’t happy, and we belong to each other,  and I would rather be happy. So I would rather you be happy too.”

Her eyes glisten and she huffs out a breath. “So all of this, us, everything... is so you can better blend in with humans?”

(Woah, stop there,) Nyx interrupts me as I’m  about to answer. (This is a really dangerous question, and you need to  think about it more than just blurting out a ‘yes’.)

How is it dangerous?

My Assistant sighs. (Words can hurt people.  That poor girl is clearly attached to you in a way you can’t possibly  comprehend, and reducing your relationship to ‘effective camouflage’  would throw every bit of that back in her face. This is a good place to  practice with empathy. Instead of answering bluntly, why don’t you think  of something you could say that won’t hurt her?)

“What is she telling you?” Izahne asks.

“Hm?”

She looks in Nyx’s direction, but not quite.  “Whenever you’re talking with her, you always look at her unless you’re arguing again. So, what is she telling you?”

“She’s...” I trail off. Should I answer her  honestly? Nyx seems to be telling me I need to lie somehow that won’t  hurt her... but I’m pretty sure lying would hurt her more...

(Just tell her, I guess.)

Alright.

“She’s telling me that words can hurt people,  and to choose my words in a way that won’t hurt you. I think she’s trying to teach me more about empathy.”

My paladin crosses her arms. “What were you going to say before? I know you don’t have human emotions, but are you at least glad that we’re together, for whatever that means to you?”

“I was going to say that yes, it’s easier to blend in with you and your party,” I say, and notice the water in her eyes is enough now that it’s started to run down her face. “But that isn’t all of it. I’m learning so much from you. Things I didn’t know. Even learning from your emotions and what they mean, and what can cause  them. You have many small insignificant habits, like how you always wake up confused, or you want to sleep on my right while holding my arm, or  you take my hand at unexpected times. You’re good at approaching people without them attacking you or acting afraid. You wanted a dresser even  though your clothes would easily fit in either of our dimensional  storages. You blush often. You get defensive when I’m around people sometimes. I’m learning so many things about you, and about this, and about your party, and all of this.”

“They’re your party too, you know,” she says with a sniffle.

“Oh. Was I saying that wrong? Nyx explained  to me that marriage was like owning each other, so you belong to me, and I belong to you, and I think I understand that a little better ever since whatever happened with Elobahn. But the party has always been yours, just like I am.”

We're both silent for a moment.

She takes a strained breath. “In time, they’ll be more yours than mine.”

“Why?” I ask.

Izahne moves a step closer and gingerly takes my hand. “Do you know what an Agent of a god is?”

“Nope, other than that you have a title about being one, but Nyx told me most titles don’t actually do anything.”

She breaks eye contact and looks down at our feet. “But you do know what a Vessel is?”

I lightly snort. “Of course. I am one,  apparently. It means a god rides your body around, and it apparently  happened to me for a while.”

“Were you aware of it while it was happening?”

I shake my head. “I think I probably woke up when she left.”

My paladin pulls me into a loose hug. We say  nothing for a while and just stay like that, with other people walking  disinterestedly past us on the wide walkway.

“An Agent is a Vessel candidate. It wasn’t a problem before, it didn’t bother me before,” she snuffles into my shoulder.

“What does that mean?” I ask.

“It means someday, possibly soon, Themis is going to take everything from me. And I have no idea how long I have.”