self-doubt and dizziness

Pairing: Bakugo Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku 

Tags: Actor AU, anal sex, rough sex

Summary: Continuation of the actor AU posted on twitter! 

This is a commission! 

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When he first opened his eyes, blinking blearily in the dense inkiness of his pitch dark bedroom, he wasn’t sure what exactly woke him up. It was only when he sleepily rolled over, blindly reaching out to the other side of the bed, only to find empty space and cold sheets that it finally dawned on him. A familiar, heavy warmth was gone from his side. Katsuki was nowhere to be found underneath the heavy comforter. Izuku blinked owlishly, cocking his head slightly. Him not being there when he woke up wasn’t rare…but it wasn’t common either. Usually, he was the one rolling out of bed in the night, either to take a midnight piss or get a gulp of water. Katsuki, on the other hand, tended to stay asleep throughout the night entire, normally remaining glued to his side until the morning. He did leave earlier than him most days but it was only – Izuku rolled back over to grab his phone from the bedside table.

It took a couple fumbling attempts before he was able to close his fingers around it. He winched as his phone burst to life, flooding the room with a painfully bright light. After blinking away the red spots, he could read the broad display of numbers on the lock screen: 5:45. Later than he thought but still way too early for Katsuki to have left for the day. If he had needed to leave this early, he would’ve told him beforehand. Exhaling slowly through his nose, Izuku glanced around his small bedroom. It took a few moments for his eyes to adjust to the darkness. Once they did, he could make out that the bedroom and bathroom doors were closed. The bathroom light was off, as well. Frowning, trying very hard not to be even a little bit worried, Izuku slid across the bed to feel around on the small table on Katsuki’s side. What he failed to find only added to his creeping anxiety: Katsuki’s phone, wallet and keys were missing. Sitting up, Izuku clicked on the light, his lips pressed tightly together. No sign of a note. There hadn’t been any messages on his phone either.

Katsuki leaving this early in the morning? Weird but wasn’t like it never happened.

Katsuki leaving without telling him, whether by note, message or waking him up long enough to kiss him goodbye? Unheard of – to the point that the realization brought on a cold rush of anxiety.

Jumping out of bed, stubbornly away the insidious voice whispering from the back of his head that it’s finally happened, Katsuki has finally gotten tired of him and left, slipped out in the middle of the night, never to be seen again, Izuku briskly walked out of the bedroom to the kitchen. Sometimes…or more like once or twice, Katsuki left him a note by the coffee pot, knowing that’d be the first place he’d go after getting up in the morning. Stepping into the kitchen, the sudden cold underneath his feet providing just the jolt he needed to jerk himself out of an anxious trail of thought, Izuku clicked on the light and went straight to the coffee pot. His heart dropped into his stomach like a chunk of ice. Nothing. Pressing his lips into a thin line, trying very hard at that point not to panic, he looked all around the kitchen before glancing into the foyer. The cold swirling in his belly grew even more intense. Katsuki’s jacket and boots were gone.

All the panic, the anxiety that has been steadily building up since he first noticed Katsuki was gone finally broke through the rickety dam his self-control had become. His heart lurched painfully before accelerating to a breakneck pace, slamming hard enough against the interior of his ribs, he could feel the shockwave of each beat in his back, shoulders and belly. Tears welled up in the corner of his eyes. Izuku swallowed hard against the lump in the back of his throat, determined not to start crying. He…he didn’t know for sure what was going on just yet. It was possible that Katsuki had just…forgotten to tell him he was leaving. Izuku let out a shuddering exhale. No…no, that just…that wasn’t possible. Katsuki forgetting something like that? No way in hell, which only left one alternative: he had purposefully left without waking him or leaving any kind of indication of where he was or where he was going. Izuku’s heart sunk even further into his belly.

The fact that this would be seen as a ridiculous, unnecessary, and childish reaction to something like this wasn’t lost on him. Even he felt foolish and stupid standing there, on the verge of tears, just because Katsuki had left without telling him but…their relationship was the furthest thing from normal. Everything from how they got together to how they spent their everyday lives together was the definition of bizarre…and every day, Izuku had been dreading this moment. That fear, that apprehension had so deeply rooted itself into his mind, his heart that when he was finally faced with its reality, he didn’t know what else to do other than silently stare at the closed front door, blinking back tears. Katsuki had finally gotten tired of him. The man he loved with every ounce of his being, the man who came barreling into his life only a few months ago and demanded Izuku’s everything, the man he had repeatedly lied to in a desperate attempt to hide an intense obsession but who seemed to hold an equal endless, bottomless desire for him…was gone.

Izuku sobbed softly, stepping back into the kitchen. He curled his arms tight around himself, retreating over to the kitchen table. Sinking down into one of the chairs, he bent over, resting his forehead against the cool metal. Had he finally realized that there were dozens, no, hundreds, no, thousands of people who were far better suited for him? Had he awoken this morning, looked over at Izuku and decided that he didn’t love him like he thought he did? Or had he simply gotten tired of him? Izuku bit down hard on his lower lip, squeezing his lips tightly shut. Guess he would never know. He should’ve known better than to get comfortable…to get attached. How could he have ever thought that a plain no one like him could ever be loved by someone as amazing, as beautiful as Katsuki? Izuku chuckled bitterly. He slowly sat up, placing his hands on the table. Tears streaked down his cold, clammy cheeks. He had been expecting this – he’d been expecting it ever since Katsuki had first pinned him down to the floor in the backroom of the convenience store he used to work in and snarled that Izuku was his.

…didn’t mean it hurt any less.

Blowing out a shaky breath, Izuku got to his feet. He would need to start looking for a job. Letting Katsuki talk him into quitting his previous once at the convenience store seemed like the stupidest thing in the world. Maybe if his manager would give him his old job back. Good as place as any to start. Wearily pushing a hand through his hair, Izuku was turning to go back to his bedroom to try to get a couple more hours of sleep when the front door suddenly opened. Freezing in place, his heart leaping up into his throat, a bloom of desperate hope blossoming in his chest, Izuku waited a moment, straining his ears to pick up on the smallest sounds. The tiniest grunt sent him into a frenzy. Frantically scrubbing at his face to rub away all traces of tears, Izuku hurried as quietly as he could over to the fridge. He wrenched it open, grabbing a container as milk just as he heard Katsuki walking into the kitchen behind him.

Struggling to keep the relief off his face, Izuku spun back around, a probably over-zealous greeting rising to his lips. He didn’t find out if it sounded as fake as he thought it would. One look at Katsuki’s dark, thunderous expression killed the words right on the tip of his tongue. Izuku froze. A sheet of ice, as long and thick as Katsuki’s fingers, coated his muscles. The relief and happiness he’d been feeling quickly vanished, drowned out by a fresh wave of panicked anxiety. All the moisture vanished from his mouth and throat. His heartrate, which had been calming down slightly, jumped straight back to that hectic, rampant pace. Swallowing hard against the dryness in his throat, Izuku numbly put the milk away and stepped back, allowing the fridge door to swing close. It had been a while since Katsuki had looked at him with that kind of cold, black fury. A shiver of dread raced down Izuku’s spine. Had…had he done something wrong? He frantically searched his memory for something that might’ve angered Katsuki but nothing came to mind. They had been really happy up until this point! Nothing had been wrong! So what was Katsuki so angry about?

“You lied to me.”

Of all the things he expected Katsuki to say in that moment, that wasn’t one of them. Mouth hanging open slightly, Izuku gawked stupidly at Katsuki, his sputtering mind trying desperately to come up with what he might’ve lied about. As he struggled to come up with an answer, Katsuki’s expression darkened even further. Several tense, prolonged moments of silence stretched out between them. Knowing that he would be in big trouble if he didn’t say anything soon but still unable to come up with anything, Izuku did the only thing he could think of: stall for time.

“Ka…Kacchan, what are you-?” He started to ask in a voice so feeble and pathetic, it made him wince.

It became immediately obvious that he had made the wrong choice. Mouth twisted into an enraged snarl, Katsuki lunged forward, quickly closing the distance between them. A powerful arm wrapped painfully tight grip. Before he even had time to register what was happening, Izuku was wrenched over, turned around and shoved up against the corner. The square edge dug into his abdomen. Katsuki’s muscular chest pressed flush to his back. Intense, burning heat bled through the thin material of his t-shirt. One of Katsuki’s arms snaked around his waist, locking tightly. His other hand went down to Izuku’s briefs, curling into the fabric and tearing them down to expose his ass. Panting raggedly into his ear, Katsuki roughly groped and squeezed his ass, digging his blunt fingernails into the soft curves. Despite the panic coursing through his veins, Izuku’s cock responded without hesitation, swiftly hardening as the rough palms of Katsuki’s hands stroked over his skin.

“What’re you-?!” Izuku cried out in alarm, his body jolting as cool air slapped against his butt. “Kacchan, stop-!”

“You lied to me!” Katsuki growled again, nipping hard at the curve of Izuku’s neck. The sound of a zipper being undone behind him was excruciatingly loud. Something hot and hard slipped between the plump globes of his ass, pressing insistently to his hole.

Izuku squeaked, his eyes widening even further. Wha…what was going on?! Why was Katsuki-?! He…he didn’t want to do that right now! Not when Katsuki was so inexplicably furious! Frantically gasping for breaths, his head spinning, Izuku slammed his hands down on the counter and tried to shove back against Katsuki, hoping to throw him off balance. All he got in return was a furious growl from Katsuki, who took a step back and slammed a hand onto Izuku’s back, driving him down onto the counter. A harsh wheeze erupted from his mouth. Tears blurred his vision. Burning sobs bubbled up his throat. It…it had never been this rough…not since the first time they had sex! Katsuki could be overenthusiastic at times but it never went into this territory! He…he had thought all of that was behind them! That they’d moved onto to just normal couple sex! Why was he suddenly-?!

“Did you think I wouldn’t find out?” Katsuki snarled, pressing the tip of his cock more insistently to his entrance. “Huh?!”

“I don’t-!” Izuku gasped out, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Kacchan! Please, just-!”

“SHUT UP!” Katsuki roared, lunging down to sink his teeth into the curve of his shoulder. At the same time, he rammed his hips forward, forcing the entirety of his length deep inside. Scalding heat sunk into him, spreading him open, stuffing him full. The remnants of their lovemaking last night eased Katsuki’s entry, creating a kind of friction that instantly had Izuku seeing stars.

“Sto-!” Izuku wailed, fighting hard against the urge to smash his butt back against Katsuki to drive his cock in even deeper. His own erection was trapped between the cold counter and his body. The difference in temperature was doing nothing to persuade his penis to soften. Just the feeling of Katsuki’s teeth pressed to his flesh was enough to make him howl in rapturous delight. The panic might’ve faded, if it weren’t for the rage he could still feel rolling off Katsuki in waves.

Growling low in his throat, Katsuki gave him no time to adjust to the sudden intrusion. Setting a rough, brutal pace from the first thrust of his hips, Katsuki repeatedly bashed against him, sending him jolting forward. Loud moan, wails and sobs tumbled free from his mouth without any restraint. Blinding pleasure, as heavy and hot as the body pressed down on top of him, tore through his body. Tears rolled down his cheeks. Drool dribbled out of the corner of his mouth. Despite Katsuki’s cock, his heat, breath, touch and scent doing everything it could to unravel him, the tension refused to leave. There was a constant undertow of terror coursing right underneath the pleasure, endlessly reminding him that something was very wrong.

“Ka…Kacchan-!” Izuku sobbed, frantically reaching behind him to try to grab hold of Katsuki’s hand, “Please-! Please-! Stop-! I don’t know-!”

“He wasn’t your boyfriend!” Katsuki released his hold on his throat to snap coldly.

“Wha-?”

Straightening up, Katsuki grabbed one of Izuku’s legs. He wrenched it up, forcing Izuku to roll over onto his side. Strong, calloused fingers clamped down tight around his jaw, yanking his head over so he had no choice than to look up at Katsuki. He leaned in, bringing their faces close. Bright red eyes bore into him. Izuku instinctively shrank back then cried out when Katsuki resumed brutally thrusting into him. B-Boyfriend?! What did he mean by that?! He hadn’t had a boyfriend since college! Long before he even of Katsuki! Who was he talking-?!

“I wanted to surprise you.” Katsuki panted harshly, “I was gonna have a nice trip waiting for you when you woke up so I went down to the fucking gas station to get everything ready. Guess who was there? Your ex or the guy you said you were dating! I mentioned him to you, gave him a few choice words that would’ve made sense if he were your ex but he just looked at me, all confused. You wanna know what he told me, Izuku?”

By then, Izuku was frozen. He wasn’t breathing; he wasn’t thinking; hell, he wasn’t even sure if his heart was beating. All he could do was stare numbly up at Katsuki, the realization of what was going on finally slamming straight down onto his chest. That’s right…he…he had forgotten all about that…forgotten about the little white lie he’d told to further present himself as someone who had no interest in Katsuki whatsoever. It was that lie that had brought them together…and it was that little lie that was behind Katsuki’s fury.

“He told me that you two never dated. Didn’t even talk about it. Never so much as mentioned the idea of dating. In fact, he’s straight. Has had a girlfriend for three years now.” Digging his fingernails deeper into Izuku’s cheek, Katsuki leaned in even closer, the tips of their noses bumping together, “Why did you lie to me?”

“K…Ka…Kacchan…”

“Were you trying to get away from me?”

“Wha? No, I-!”

“Don’t lie to me!” Katsuki bellowed, the colors in his face fluctuating between dark red and clammy pale.

“I’m not!” Izuku squealed, his breath coming fast and shallow. There was no filter by that point. He didn’t think about what he was saying as it just poured out of his mouth, “I panicked! I panicked!”

“Panicked? About what? Me? Did you hate me that much? Were you trying to get-?!”

“No!” Izuku cried, furiously shaking his head, “I-! I just-! I was scared that you would hate me!”

Katsuki blinked, noticeably thrown off by that, “Hate you? Why would I-?”

“I was scared!” Izuku jabbered, “I’ve loved you for so long! You were always someone very important to me but you…I…I thought that if you found out, you would stop coming by! That you would hate me! So I…I did everything I could to make it seem like I was normal! That I wasn’t…”

Sobbing softly, burying his face into the crook of his arm, Izuku gasped, “That I wasn’t in love with you! That I wasn’t obsessed with you! The lie…the boyfriend…I just wanted to be your friend. I wanted to be close to you. I thought…telling you that I had a boyfriend would hide my real feelings. I thought it would mean…I could keep seeing you.”

Silence filled the small kitchen, punctuated only by Izuku’s quiet sobs and Katsuki’s shallow pants. Heat burned in his cheeks. The pleasure, the warmth was long gone, crushed underneath a tidal wave of embarrassment and fear. His stomach lurched sickeningly. Everything…all the stuff he’d been hiding for so long, he hadn’t thought it feel so bad to puke it up like that. What would Katsuki think of him? Would he be disgusted? Enraged? Izuku sniffled, wanting so badly to look up at Katsuki to see what kind of face he was making but terrified of what he might find. Suddenly, warm fingers brushed through his hair. Breath softly glided across his skin as Katsuki leaned down, bringing his mouth to Izuku’s ear.

“You wanted to see me?” Katsuki murmured, his voice noticeably, blissfully gentler.

Eyes widening, Izuku swallowed hard and nodded.

“Were you happy every time you saw my car pulling into the parking lot?”

“Y-Yes…I was…”

“Did you think about being kissed by me?”

“Wha…?” Izuku finally lifted his head from his arm to peek cautiously up at Katsuki. All the anger was gone, replaced by a stern stillness that demanded an answer without any need for words. Some of the tension eased out of Izuku’s body. Drawing in a deep breath, the heat in his cheeks growing even more intense, Izuku resisted the urge to look away from that probing gaze and nodded, “I…I did…”

“Did you think about being fucked by me?”

Izuku nodded again, feeling like he might combust at any moment if this line of questioning continued.

“Did you want to be loved by me…Izuku?”

“…yes. I did.”

Katsuki paused for a moment then said, “You lied because you thought I would hate you.” Another pause, followed by a sigh, “It pisses me off but I can’t blame you for that. Wasn’t like I was being upfront with my own feelings.”

Sighing again, Katsuki straightened up, pushing a hand through his fluffy hair. He stared down at Izuku for an almost uncomfortably long time before asking in a low, quiet voice, “Do you still want to be loved by me, Izuku?”

Blinking rapidly in surprise, Izuku nodded without hesitation.

“Good.” Katsuki offered the smallest hint of a smile, “Not that it would’ve mattered if you said no.”

Leaning down, he curled his fingers gently underneath Izuku’s jaw, tilting his head back as he moved in to press a sweet kiss to his lips. Izuku gasped softly, pushing into the kiss without a thought. Ah…he loved Katsuki’s lips so much…so smooth and warm. The feeling of his lips gliding, smoothing over his…this…it was bliss. It was pure bliss. Izuku shuddered as Katsuki’s still hard cock slipped from his twitching hole. Moving back just enough so that he could look Izuku in the eye, Katsuki smiled lopsidedly. Izuku’s heart leapt up into his throat. A blossom of warmth bloomed in the center of his chest, followed by a rush of adulation so strong, so intense, it left him dizzy.

“Like hell I’d ever give you up.” Katsuki murmured, curling his arms tightly around Izuku’s trembling frame. Sighing with playful annoyance, he said, “I was gonna take you on a nice, long drive today but,” his grin grew even wider, “I think instead…I’m gonna spend the rest of the day getting my fill of you.”

A shiver of excited anticipation raced through his body. He must’ve not done a very good job of hiding it because Katsuki laughed huskily. Leaning down to brush a soft kiss against the corner of his mouth, he murmured, “You want that too, don’t you, my adorable Izuku?”

Wrapping his arms around Katsuki’s shoulders, anchoring them even closer together, Izuku nodded, “Yes…please…”

“Good boy.” Katsuki pressed a kiss to his temple. He bent down to slide one of his arms underneath Izuku’s legs, lifting him up off the ground. Cradling him close, pressing his cheek to the top of his head, Katsuki started off towards the bedroom, “We’ll go on the drive tomorrow…if you’ve got the energy for it, that is.”

“Okay.” Izuku whispered, melting into Katsuki’s warmth. “And…Kacchan?”

“What?”

“Don’t…don’t ever let me go…okay?”

Snorting, Katsuki stopped long enough to dip down and capture Izuku’s mouth in a possessive kiss, “Didn’t I just tell you? How many times do I have to repeat it before you get it? You’re mine. I’m not ever going to let anyone take you away from me. Got it?”

“Yes…” Izuku gasped breathlessly, his gaze hazy. Locking his arms tighter around Katsuki’s shoulders, he buried his face into the curve of his neck. Anyone else might’ve been terrified of such a claim but for him…it was such a relief to hear those words. He would never ask it – probably would get him a snarl and eye roll – but Katsuki…he was just as obsessed with him, wasn’t he? That was fine with him. As long as he continued to crush him close, to hold him like there was nothing else in the world more precious than him then he was more than content to be right here with him.