Journal Entry

I wanted to get a little personal with you folks, I'm not asking for help or advice, I just want to share a feeling. All too often I think we don't speak of or don't want to speak of sad, bad, ugly emotions or feelings. We all have them and I think if they were brought out into the open and saw a bit more of the light of day, it wouldn't be so hard to talk about and process the bits. 

My depression feels/looks in my mind like:

Some days I feel like I took a step backwards off a cliff, high above the waves crashing into the rocks below, I imagine something like Point Reyes. I imagine I was trying to take a photo of a family or friends, a lukewarm moment. I was trying to get everyone in frame but wasn't paying attention, the dirt was loose on the edge of the cliff along the little wild flowers. Just one small, miscalculated slip and I'm tumbling off the edge backwards, grasping for anything to save me as I fall through space. That lurching feeling of 1,000 butterflies trying to stab their way out of your stomach with nothing other than dull plastic spoons, no one even noticed I slipped into the abyss. 

Some days I've crashed already crashed into the sea's piercing depths, twisting and flipping with the waves. Coming nearer to the inhospitable cliffs only to be dragged out with the current once again. Every attempted breath only brings in more and more and the numbing water, pushing me now below the surface. I'm already blue and as I sink it almost becomes peaceful, watching the light above shrink to the smallest sparkle. 

*I want to stress one more time that I am alright. To process and work through emotions, feelings, or thoughts, it helps me to express it in writing, painting, etc. It's a good release for me stress wise and it's sort of like an indirect was of me to think about what I'm dealing with or going through without actually having to say the words.