Stare Like You'll Stay Safe Camp sesh.

During the track selection for Blue Sky Noise, the appendage EP found itself a pillow for many strong feelings to fall upon. There were simply too many songs that meant too much to the band for us to choose which ones would be left out. Often, we find ourselves in agreement on most tracks for an album but when there are so many tracks it’s inevitable that there will be disagreements. Sometimes there are one or two tracks that mean everything to one person and the others just don’t quite feel it. We make a lot of very different sounds and words and this is just a matter of odds I suppose. Lazarus was one of those tracks. I think now, that it seems a bit wild that Lazarus didn’t find a place on BSN. But of course it HAS found its home now, its vision of amnesia and contemplation burrowed into our hearts for good and its knuckleball pace becoming a much anticipated moment at shows.

The conversation of creating a track-listing is simply painful at times. I was reminded of this recently. We were lucky with Appendage though, we had enough good music to create an experience that stood parallel in emotional scope with the full length. 

If memory serves, and I can assure you it rarely does, I had an experience during this track-list conversation that was entirely unique for me. I was pushing to have the song Stare Like You’ll Stay on the BSN album, while the songs author was rather ho-hum about it. 

Colin wrote the music for this track during The On Letting Go sessions. I don’t really remember hearing it until Blue Sky Noise but I also don’t remember what day it is right now. It’s possible that he had been sitting with it for so long that the newer songs felt more alive and important. I’ve experienced that but there’s no reason for me to speak for Colin here. He has a keyboard and he can correct grampas meandering memory in the comments. 

When I did hear the song I was immediately struck by the straight forwardness of the groove and the simple circular riff that chimed it’s way through chords. This is one of the few songs that I didn’t really want to write new guitar parts to. In fact it may be the least I’ve contributed to a circa song in that way. I think ripped off the verse guitar from everybody wants to rule the world and then wrote or tweaked the “allowance” part and that’s about it. In a way, keeping myself creatively distanced, allowed me to enjoy the song purely from a listening perspective. And then when we jammed it. whooo boi daddy-o or whatever the kids say. Well, it’s just really fun. Anything that grooves like this track makes me happy AF*, {*and festive}. In short, I really loved the vibe from the begininng. To contrast the upbeat optimism of the happy ass music, the lyrics to this song fucked me up from day one. Let me be clear, I have no idea what this song was written about. I’ve never asked what it meant to Colin or Anthony as they wrote it. And yet it became something entirely unique and personal to me during its development. It became a call to my struggling friends to step back from the edge of darkness that beckoned them. 

The lyrics felt optimistic to me. Of course, as with much of Anthony’s writing, they can be taken to a dark place or a light place on any give listen. But to me, it rings out as a dose of tough love for those who need it. I felt so strongly that people needed to hear this song that it’s hard for me to actually explain it. For a minute there, I wanted people to hear this chorus more than any other song in the world. I believed in some way it could save people. Now, is that narcissism or latent savior complex? you can decided. But remember, I didn’t write it. I just heard it and knew it was important.  

The truth is, I probably fucking needed it. That’s probably all I should say about this but I wasn’t thinking about me when I heard it. I was thinking about my friend Scott who years after the release of BSN took his own life. I was thinking about the thousands of fans that look up to Anthony. The kids who perk their ears up from a shitty spot in the venue to hear every word he says into a microphone between songs at our shows. Because people really fucking believe in his words. I was thinking of a dose of tough love wrapped in a warm hug, because that’s what the song is to me. “You’re worth it. Now show up and prove it and let yourself be warm in that strength. Let yourself believe in you. Prove it to yourself so you can feel proud”. and all the while just a river of sweet melody bumping over the happiest drum beat I know. 

Scott is gone. I still think of him when I hear this song. Of how he had nothing really to be proud of, (his words not mine). I think of how his path was set years before he left and that very little would have changed its course. But there must have been one thing. There must have been something. I think of how I was not his savior but a friend who loved him and how that’s okay. I think of others who’ve left since he did.

Mostly, I think of those who are struggling now. Those we fear to lose. 

I think of the circle. And how all of those we’ve lost are free and how they are a part of the songs we smile and cry to. They’re in the air between as the sounds find our ears. They’re In our voices as we release our energy to float with them.

This song truly has been a part of a journey for me. The journey of long nights and short life. The one where I cry and feel afraid of losing everyone and everything. And sometimes I fight endlessly, with the cruelty of a mortal clock. And then I breathe and feel grateful to have any time at all and I remember that I know nothing. And that’s okay. I’ll be in the air some day and I know that. My loved ones will breathe me in and remember me for a moment, ‘between the molecules of oxygen and carbon dioxide” and there’s nothing else I can ask for really.

Just staying a part of it all in some way and yet being free. I wish for all of us to have that freedom in it’s time and there’s nothing else I can ask for. Except this. All of you, for now, please, Just Stay. 

This is the first song I've ever mixed. Go easy on me

Recorded by Circa In Our Respective Homes

Mixed By Brendan

Mastered by Joey Bradford Joey@monikermanagement.com