A Mythical Match Up - A Demanding Drow

Sidney took a deep breath and, with barely restrained excitement, tapped the Mythic Matches icon. His phone went dark. The app's logo - a pair of androgynous faces (one with pointed ears) staring lovingly at one another - slowly faded in and out on the screen. As he waited, Sidney looked around his room, his gaze drifting from one game poster to another - Street Fighter Alpha, Mass Effect, Chrono Trigger, DOTA 2. He had amassed quite a collection over the years.

He looked back down at his phone. A message box had appeared against a background of overlapping purple, red and blue gradients.

'Welcome to the Realms of Shaltae!' read the message. 'Our exquisitely woven thaumaturgic formulae have already pierced the veil separating our realities and found harmonic souls. You may find a new friend, confidant, sweetheart or even your true love. To commune with the denizens of our world, simply touch their portrait. New matches may reveal themselves in time as others in the Realms open their hearts to us. Be polite, honest, but bold! Our clients seek companions who intrigue, impress, and excite.'

Sidney tapped the screen. A second, smaller window with a shorter message appeared.

'This is not a game! Take this seriously and consider the consequences of your words and actions! The denizens of Shaltae are quite real! We mean it!'

Sidney chuckled. He wondered just how many people had downloaded the app thinking it was some kind of game. Or a joke.

Ten portraits arrayed like overlapping playing cards appeared on the screen. Each depicted a potential romantic match who was, in every sense of the phrase, fantastically beautiful. Apart from being quite attractive, every woman was a mythological creature or anthropomorphic variation thereof. Sidney spotted a humanoid female griffin with light-brown feathers, a stocky frame and a strangely adorable face with a petite beak and bright blue eyes. He flicked the screen. A lithe, green-skinned wood nymph materialized. Delicate white flowers bloomed from her long, silky jade hair. Though not actual photographs, the portraits were exquisitely drawn and detailed.

"Here we go," whispered Sidney to himself.

It had all started one night ago when Jesse - Sidney's best friend - invited him over to his townhouse. When asked what the occasion was Jesse only offered vague assurances that he - Sidney - wouldn't want to miss what he - Jesse - had in store for him. Having nothing better to do, Sidney accepted his invitation. Upon arriving at Jesse's place his friend insisted that he first download an app called Mythic Matches - some kind of dating sim set in a fantasy world called the Realms of Shaltae. Jesse refused to say why he wanted Sidney to do this, though he did offer to compensate him for the purchase. Nonplussed, Sidney nonetheless complied and downloaded the app. As soon as Jesse had confirmed it had been successfully installed on his phone, he explained he had a new girlfriend and wanted Sidney to meet her.

He then opened the door to his bedroom, revealing a six-foot-six white-furred anthropomorphic tigress named Talith Redspur - merchant-adventurer and former pirate - lounging on Jesse's bed, watching bad reality television while munching on fried chicken.

After Sidney had recovered from the shock (and crushing hug from the affectionate Talith), Jesse explained that the Realms of Shaltae were quite real and inhabited by all manner of magical races - elves, dwarves, mermaids, kitsune, dragons, demons, goblins, beastmen, to name a few. Even more astonishingly, one could contact members of these races interested in dating humans using the app. The app could even facilitate travel to and from the Realms of Shaltae, as Talith's presence in Jesse's townhouse amply demonstrated.

Later in the evening, Sidney asked Jesse why he had made him download the app before introducing him to Talith. Apparently, the company behind Mythic Matches forbade users from discussing the true nature of the app with anyone who didn't own a copy. Sidney initially wondered why Jesse had adhered so rigidly to the oft-ignored user agreement until it occurred to him that a magical app like Mythic Matches might enforce its polices through supernatural means.

After spending one hour with Jesse and Talith watching with barely-concealed envy as the two shamelessly cuddled and canoodled on the couch, Sidney vowed to try out Mythic Matches for himself.

Sidney tapped the upper right hand corner of the app window; he'd seen Jesse do this to access the menu. Nothing happened. Sidney frowned. Then, he noticed the triple-bar icon was absent.

"Oh, right," said Sidney, remembering something Jesse had mentioned. "You gotta get in touch with at least one match before the rest of the app is unlocked."

He swiped the screen. A bizarrely gorgeous mauve-skinned creature with jet-black eyes, plump red lips and tentacle-like tendrils in place of hair appeared. A vast undersea panorama - complete with schools of fish and fields of seaweed suspended in turquoise water - could be seen behind her. Her biography identified her as a 'scylla.'

"What the hell is a...oh, right, like the bad guy from The Little Mermaid," muttered Sidney, noticing that her lower body was basically that of a giant octopus.

He swiped the screen again. And again and again. He just couldn't decide who to contact. A part of him still couldn't believe these women actually existed. Every match was so beautiful and compelling in their own way, even the scylla (though Sidney couldn't help but wonder exactly how one would date her, among other things...)

Upon reaching his eighth match, he stopped.

I am Elica M'arane, second daughter of Shunea M'arane, commander of the M'arane household guard and captain of the first company of the sub-terrain city-state of Delaran. Over my twenty-year appointment I have vanquished countless foes. In SR 103 I crushed the Erstwode rebels, bringing the errant house to its knees. In SR 110 during the fourth Battle of Tesh my company routed an entire cadre of oni mercenaries, protecting our main force's exposed center thereby ensuring victory.

The match - Elica - was an ebony-skinned beauty with pointed ears, long, snow-white hair and intense purple eyes. Her smooth oval face seemed locked in a haughty smirk, her glossy lavender lips almost curling into a sneer. She wore a tight-fitting black leather bodice with spiked shoulder guards that extended down to her biceps. A leather belt studded with complicated metalwork hugged her sizeable hips, a thin scabbard and sword dangling from the belt. Her physique brought Sidney to mind of an Olympic swimmer - lean, yet packed with tight, powerful muscles. That said she was not lacking in the bust department. Indeed, her bodice looked close to bursting under the strain of her cantaloupe-sized melons.

She was of course a dark elf - drow, night elf, deep elf, underground elf, or whatever moniker that applied to this iteration of the (usually) evil and (usually) subterranean dark-skinned counterparts to the fair-skinned forest-dwelling elves populating most Tolkien-inspired fantasy worlds.

Sidney had always had a thing for dark elves, from the World of Warcraft to the works of R. A. Salvatore. He found his finger drifting down to the 'Contact' button.

Hang on...

Sidney frowned thoughtfully and sat back in his seat. This wasn't a game; the app had been very clear about this. The busty drow woman on the screen was a real person and not just some collection of pixels and code. More to the point, he really didn't know that much about the Realms of Shaltae or its inhabitants apart from the fact they seemed copy/pasted from a book of fantasy tropes. Jesse's tigress girlfriend had shared a few anecdotes about her world but not nearly enough to get an idea of what the place was really like. If the dark elves in the Realms of Shaltae were anything like the drow from, say, D&D, the wisest course would be to avoid her like the plague. Elica's profile certainly hinted at this possibility.

Sidney looked back down at his phone. He tapped the screen, maximizing Elica's portrait. He stared at it for a few seconds.

"Wouldn't hurt to say hello," he muttered to himself. "And it's not like she can come here unless I invite her." He tapped the 'Contact' button and was presented with a blank text field. He paused, considering what to say.

Greetings from Earth, Elica M'arane! he typed. My name is Sidney Rutherford. Can't say I have a military record as impressive as yours, unless you count league of legends, but I'd still love to learn more about you.

Sidney almost deleted the bit about League of Legends but then chuckled and kept it. He tapped 'Send' and waited.

Several minutes passed.

Sidney shrugged. Again, this wasn't a game; for all he knew Elica might be asleep. He closed the messaging window and started browsing through his other nine matches.

Suddenly, an alert sounded. Elica had sent a reply.

Sidney swallowed and, with nervous anticipation, tapped the message icon.

So, this outlandish dweomer finally stirs bearing missives from beyond the void. Hmph. I was starting suspect my subordinate had indulged in some cheap jape at my expense. She may now keep her tongue.

Sidney grimaced. This wasn't promising.

You are truly of another world, without even the Infernal and Celestial Realms? messaged Elica.

Confused, Sidney re-read the message. Then, he remembered that the word 'without' could mean 'outside of.'

yep. resident of the United States of America, planet Earth.

And you are a human?

last time I checked.

Last time you checked? I have no patience for riddled-words or lumbering attempts at wit. Are you a human or are you not?

"Geez, touchy," murmured Sidney.

sorry, yes, I'm human

Almost half-a-minute passed before Elica's next message appeared.

I will be blunt, Sidney of Earth. I have no interest in romantic pursuits, let alone marriage. My sole concern is the security and prosperity of House M'arane and Delaran. I have only entered into this compact with Mythic Matches to determine whether Earth poses a threat to us.

Sidney blinked, nonplused.

sorry, you want to find out whether Earth poses a threat to your city?

Can you not read? Yes! As a captain of Delaran my responsibilities go far beyond squatting on the ramparts, watching for approaching armies. Though my peers and superiors dismiss Earth as a potential danger - some even doubting its existence - I am not so short-sighted. Our agents monitor the byzantine politics of the infernals and celestials so why should Earth be any different? Your kind possesses crafts that pierce the realmsedge! Who knows what else you are capable of?

Are you asking me to help you spy on Earth?! typed Sidney incredulously.

Again, the pause before Elica messaged him again was longer than usual.

Not spy, paranoid fool. Visit. Tour. Assess. If some otherworldly realm breached yours, surely you would wish to learn whether it harbored any ill intentions.

i guess conceded Sidney.

There you have it. You will transport me to Earth forthwith!

At this point, Sidney more or less gave up on pursuing her. He almost tapped the 'Unmatch' button right there and then. However, some imp of the perverse compelled him to keep messaging her, if only to see how insane this woman actually was.

how do I know you aren't just gathering intel in preparation of invading us? he asked, turning the question on her.

Why would I wish to conquer your wretched realm?

why would you?

I asked the question, fool!

I asked a question first

Elica went silent. Seconds ticked by. Just when Sidney thought she had ghosted him, a message appeared.

Feh. Despite your crude impudence, I appreciate your caution. However, I will find a way into your realm sooner or later. Is it not in your best interest that I enter restrained by a geas?

"What?" said Sidney out loud.

All those ferried to Earth through Mythic Matches must abide by the compact - rules enforced by the gods themselves, message Elica, anticipating his question.  I could not harm others save in self defense.

Sidney frowned. Once again, he considered just cutting communication with the drow captain.

ok. so, you want me to just drop what I'm doing, pay for a portal to Earth and give you a guided tour? Just because you say so? no offense, but I don't see that happening.

I see. You demand incentive. So be it. If you agree to my terms, I will permit you to bed me. Once.

Sidney stared at the screen for a good ten seconds. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest. His cheeks reddened.

by bed you mean?

As in intercourse. Copulation. Love-making. Sex. Need I explain the mechanics?

no no I get it

Providing you aren't too hideous, of course. Or old. Or deformed.

Sidney swallowed. This didn't seem real. Stuff like this didn't happen. It was straight out of some bad piece of erotic fiction. And his wildest fantasies. He realized he was shaking.

Then, to his astonishment and distress, he realized he simply could not accept Elica's offer. He desperately wanted to, but the thought actually of having sex with a complete stranger who was doing it to get something from of him filled him with unexpected revulsion. The fact she was a perfect ten only made things worse.

thanks for the offer, but i got to passtyped Sidney in a daze.

What? You spurn me? How dare you! There are nobles in Delaran who would literally kill for this opportunity!

no, no you're gorgeous replied Sidney almost fearfully. it's just...I'm looking for a girlfriend. not just some one-night stand.

As he hit reply, a weird feeling of shame and worthlessness crept over him. He couldn't help but wonder whether he had turned her down out of self-respect or because he was too chicken to partake in casual sex.

Hmph. So you say. Perhaps it is for the best. I have no interest in bedding cravens.

Sidney winced as though he had been stabbed.

Then consider this. I will spread word among the petty nobles and their worthier vassals that one of your kind seeks a suitable companion. Though it baffles me, it is now quite vogue in Delaran to court humans. I make no promises, but perhaps you will find a mate this way.

Though still smarting from the craven thing, Sidney considered her offer. Essentially, Elica would be playing matchmaker - not exactly a comforting thought. Still, he had heard from Jesse's girlfriend that the denizens of the realms found humans strangely appealing. It certainly wouldn't hurt - in theory.

ok, let's say i'm interested. what exactly would i have to do? how long a visit are we talking and what would you want to see?

That depends upon what I observe. During my survey you must provide appropriate housing and provisions.

seems reasonable.

Do we have an accord?

Sidney hesitated. Was he actually going to do this? He looked around his room and considered his apartment. He doubted his bachelor pad would meet her standards. It was large enough to accommodate one guest - barely. He'd have to dig out some blankets and pillows from the closet and set up the futon.

uh, I have space, but my apartment is a bit on the cramped side. it's clean, but i wouldn't call it the Ritz. Sidney paused and deleted the last part of the message. but it isn't very fancy. he amended.

During my campaign against the Zlastzc lizardfolk I slept in a stony cave for three days with naught but a coarse rucksack for a pillow. However austere your home is, I will manage. But I will not sup on slop and water! You will provide the finest beverages and decent fare.

Sidney felt his heart pounding against his chest again. It wasn't too late to back out. He could ghost her and find another girl on the app - someone less...demanding. Then, a familiar feeling of shame and inadequacy gripped him. His lips tightened.

ok, deal. replied Sidney.

Good. Transport us to your realm at once.

what, right now?

Yes! I grow impatient.

you need to request an invitation to Earth through your mirror. Jesse had mentioned this when explaining how the app worked.

A few seconds later a text window appeared over the chat.

Elica wishes to visit you for a day! Current cost for a portal to Earth from the Realms costs $28.59. Do you accept?

"Only thirty bucks?" said Sidney, amazed. "Must be a discount for first-timers or something." Jesse had mentioned even a day pass could run as much as a hundred dollars.

He held his breath and, with a bit of a flourish, tapped the 'yes' button.

Almost a minute passed.

Sidney rose from his chair. He paced his room anxiously for a bit and then stepped out. He walked out into his living room and then stopped dead in his tracks.

Elica stood in the middle of the room with her back to him. The night elf captain was a little over an inch taller than Sidney, who wasn't on the short side. She wore a dark purple cloak with the hood detached, her long, white hair hanging down her shoulders. She turned to face him and Sidney nearly gasped. Apart from her apparel - the cloak, a black leather vest over a dark-grey tight fitting long-sleeve tunic, a sort of leather 'mini-skirt' above dark-grey leggings and long, shiny black high-heel boots - she appeared exactly as she had in her portrait, right down to her contemptuous sneer. And though constrained by her (relatively) more conservative clothing, her figure was just as impressive in three dimensions as two, possibly more. Sidney had to make a conscious effort not to gape at her chest.

"Uh...uh..." he breathed.

Elica snorted and folded her arms.

"You are Sidney?" she asked. Her voice was higher-pitched than he had suspected. She almost sounded...cute.

"Uh, yes ma'am," gulped Sidney.

"Hmph. How...disappointing," she said. She glanced around the room. "Tell me this hovel isn't your home."

"...Hey, you said you were fine sleeping in a cave," said Sidney weakly.

"That was during a grueling war against an uncompromising foe," said Elica, taking a few steps towards him. "If you can provide better living quarters, you shall do so!"

Sidney swallowed and took a step back. He was beginning to appreciate that Elica, for all her beauty, was absolutely a hardened warrior. Though he hadn't encountered many military types her pose, physique and bearing all screamed that conflict and violence were second nature to her. She was, in all likelihood, the most dangerous being he had ever encountered.

Yet his gaze kept drifting down to her boobs.

"Look, I...wasn't expecting a guest," he managed. "If I had had more time I would have spruced things up a bit."

"Then you will start 'sprucing' up now," commanded Elica, gesturing at his coffee table, which, to be fair, was littered with crumbs from his breakfast muffin and a half-filled cup of tepid coffee.

Nodding slowly, Sidney walked towards the table but then stopped and turned back to Elica, who was glaring at him, arms folded.

"Look," he began nervously. "I can fold out the futon and get some blankets and a spare pillow, but if you want, I could bunk here so you can sleep in my room."

"Are you propositioning me?" snarled Elica, her hand gripping the hilt of a sheathed dagger.

"No no no!" said Sidney quickly, raising his hands. "I said I would sleep here," he gestured at the futon "And you could sleep in my bed in my room. Alone. Door closed. Locked, if you want."

Elica slowly released her dagger. She gave him a suspicious look.

"My bed is a lot bigger and a lot more comfortable," he added. "And I just washed the sheets."

"Show me," said Elica. "I will appraise its merits."

"Sure, sure," said Sidney.

He led her down the short hallway to his room. Her tight leather vest made soft creaking sounds as she walked.

Sidney gestured inside. Elica stepped past him through the doorway and looked around.

The room was relatively large considering the overall size of the apartment, which is why Sidney used it as both a bedroom and office. His full queen bed dominated the western half of the room. Because he had laundered the sheets that morning the bed was actually made (Sidney only bothered doing this around twenty-five percent of the time). Its thick, navy blue quilted blanket nicely complimented the pair of white-trimmed cobalt blue pillows sitting at its head. Sidney's workstation took up most of the east side and the entirety of the northeast corner. Three computer monitors - one 32 inch and two 24 inches - stood on top of a long, sturdy-looking metal desk, all three screens positioned more to the left to accommodate a PC tower, which was massive black beast with multiple humming fans - each lined with rainbow-colored LEDs - and a transparent side panel, whose interior was also illuminated by numerous tiny glowing lights. A sleek black leather gamer chair stood next to the station. The walls were practically plastered with gaming posters (as well as Sidney's degree in computer science, tucked innocuously to the side), interrupted only by a set of windows and blinds (currently shut) and a closet door.

"Well?" said Sidney, cringing a bit as he realized how outlandish it all probably appeared to her eyes.

Elica took a few steps forward and ran her hand along the bed. She gazed up at the array of flamboyant posters.

"Unusual...decor, but acceptable," she said at last. She turned. "I will reside here while visiting Earth."

"Okay, great," sighed Sidney in relief.

"What are all these garish paintings?" asked Elica, gesturing at the posters.

"Oh, uh, long story," said Sidney. "Let me move some of my stuff out of here first and-"

"Who are they?" inquired Elica, pointing up.

Sidney followed her finger to one of the posters.

"League of Legends," said Sidney absently. "It's uh, a game."

"A game?" exclaimed Elica, bemused. "You mentioned the word before, League of Lengds...but I asked for the names of those warriors!"

"Uh, Ahri, Alistar, Teemo-"

"I have never heard of them yet they appear quite fearsome," said Elica slowly. "Are they champions of your realm or kingdom?"

"What? No. They aren't even real," said Sidney. He hesitated, reflecting upon who he was talking to and where she had come from. "Probably," he added.

"What?"

"They're...make-believe," said Sidney, waiving his hands vaguely. "You know, legends, stories, myths, tall-tales - not based on anyone real. Like, from history. They're characters from an online MOBA game."

Elica stared at him with a mixture of confusion and contempt.

"Look, lemme show you," sighed Sidney, taking a seat at his computer. He tapped a key and all three monitors came to life.

Elica gasped.

"Easy," he said reassuringly. "This is my computer. It's uh..." he trailed off, trying to figure out how to explain it to Elica. "It's just a complicated machine that can perform a lot of different tasks."

"Machine? I see no gears, pulleys, springs, ropes, counterweights..."

"They're...very small. Look, it's basically magic, okay? It works a lot like the Mythic Matches enchantment. Only you can do a lot more than talk with other people."

He double-clicked the League of Legends icon and waited for the game to load. Elica took a few hesitant steps closer. She leaned forward and stared intently at the screen, mere inches from Sidney. He swallowed nervously. She smelled like leather, iron, and girl-sweat.

"Okay, here, I'll join a PvP match," said Sidney, clicking through the game menu. "This is an online game where you control a single champion of a team of five. You fight against another team, trying to destroy their base while defendingyours. The other champions on your team and the other team and controlled by other people - humans," he clarified.

"You control these beings? Are they your slaves?" asked Elica as she watched Sidney select his champion.

"No! Again, these aren't actually living creatures. They're...just game pieces. Like, animated pawns."

The game started. Sidney quickly positioned his champion - Lux - as the other members of his team spread out. Elica gasped again when the computer announced that that minions would be spawning soon. Eventually, the match started and a wild melee soon erupted between the two teams, Sidney hanging back to slow down enemy reinforcements. Elica leaned in even closer, watching the chaos on screen with rapt fascination. Out of the corner of his eye, Sidney saw her lick her lips.

"Your flank!" she suddenly shouted.

Sidney leapt in his chair.

"AH! Geez!" he cried angrily.

"Your south flank is exposed," she barked. "The enemy encroaches and your...tower is weakened. They will break through!"

"I know, I know," growled Sidney. "But I need to support the center or they'll definitely get through. It looks like that Ahri will be re-spawning soon so hopefully she'll head down there and buy us some time."

Not enough time, it transpired. Five minutes later the opposing team had demolished Sidney's and was devastating their Nexus. Sidney and his teammates desperately tried to push back but they were overwhelmed. The crystal exploded and the word 'Defeat' appeared on the screen.

"Shit," hissed Sidney.

"Hmph. Pathetic," snorted Elica.

"Okay, a, I haven't League of Legends for a while," said Sidney, swiveling his chair to face her. "B, I'm pretty sure that Ahri player was AFK for half the match. C, it's kind of hard to play when you're yelling my ear half the time!"

"Had you followed my advice you would have been victorious," said Elica. "No discipline, no long-term strategy..."

"You think you could have done better?" said Sidney, gesturing at the screen.

"Yes. Step aside, fool!" said Elica, already pushing him out of the chair.

"Wha-...really?" said Sidney, shocked, as he stood up.

Elica gave him a baleful look.

"I mean...I guess I could show you," said Sidney, sitting back down.

"I said I would play next," growled Elica.

"I need to teach you the controls," said Sidney as he switched over to Practice Mode. "And we'll go over a tutorial and then maybe a game against an AI."

"I need no training! My family lives and breathes war. And I am a master Svedsvald player!"

"No idea what Svedsvald is but trust me, you aren't ready for online play," said Sidney, still setting up the tutorial. He rose from his seat and gestured for Elica to sit in his place. Glaring at him, the dark elf captain lowered herself into the gamer chair.

"Hmmm, comfortable, I admit," said Elica as she leaned back against the smooth black leather.

"Uh, thanks," said Sidney absently. "Anyways, this is the mouse, you use it to..."

It took almost fifteen minutes for Elica to become comfortable with the mouse and keyboard, by which time she had threatened to disembowel him. Twice. Sidney then walked her through the in-game tutorial, which proceeded far more smoothly as the instructions were voiced. An hour later he set up a simple AI match for her. Elica initially protested - vociferously - saying she wanted to match her skills against a live opponent. Sidney, somewhat to his own surprise, managed to convince her otherwise.

Ten minutes later, the game ended.

"Damn, damn, damn, damn!" swore Elica as her team's Nexus crumbled then exploded. She pounded the desk so hard that the PC tower wobbled.

"Hey! Easy," exclaimed Sidney, half-enraged, half-scared.

"My strategy was flawless! This cursed game is cheating!" she raged, pointing at the screen.

Sidney opened his mouth, but then hesitated.

"What?" snapped Elica, seeing his reaction.

Sidney took a deep breath.

"You picked a support character but played it like a tank," he said steadily. "You never coordinated with your team - critical when playing support - and never rode minion waves. And you didn't really use any wards."

Elica stared at him as he spoke, her striking purple eyes narrowing.

"It can literally take years to get good enough at this game to play it competitively," he continued. "Even if you have a good grasp of strategy and tactics, you still gotta know the nuances of the game. That, and use some actual teamwork. This game is all about teamwork."

A long, dangerous silence followed. Elica's gaze never wavered from Sidney, who swallowed and managed a wan smile. A tiny, animal part of was screaming at him to get as far away from her as possible. Another animal part of him kept pointing out how hot she looked in that tight leather vest. And wondered whether she was wearing anything under it.

"Hmph, very well," said Elica at last. "Teach me."

"Teach you?"

"This game. League of Legends."

"I thought you were here to learn about humans...about Earth?" said Sidney, bewildered.

"You can learn much from a people by what pastimes they indulge in," said Elica. "And besides, I will not be bested by this game," she said, leveling an accusing digit at the computer. "My...defeat," she said, spitting the word "Is a sign that my tactical acumen is atrophying, as I had feared. Delaran has been at peace for far too long. Drills, exercises, training, even rounds of Svedsvald are no substitute for a real battle. And this game comes closer than most to one."

Sidney considered this.

"Uh, okay, I guess I can give you some pointers," he said reluctantly. "How long do you plan on sticking around?"

*Two months later*

Sidney nudged the front door open with his shoulders, both hands cradling a pair of heavy paper grocery bags, his apartment keys still dangling from the knob. He staggered inside and, after some finagling, managed to tug the keys free of the lock with two fingers and slip them into his pocket. He tapped the door shut with a knee and hurried over to the kitchen counter. Loud noises were coming from down the hallway.

"The top lane, you witless fools! Stop that Malphite before he destroys the turret!"

Sidney sighed and started unpacking.

"There! There! Keep pressing, damn you! They will crumble like overcooked inkroot cakes!"

Upon opening the fridge he noted that they were already out of Monster Energy. He tucked a six-pack from the grocery bag into a corner of the refrigerator, hesitated, and then peeled off a fresh can.

"Ha-haaaa! See! It is only a matter of time now!"

Sidney stepped out of the kitchen, maneuvering around his futon - now folded out and draped with a well-used blanket and set of pillows - and headed down the hallway. He opened 'his' bedroom door and peered inside.

Elica was sitting at his computer desk playing League of Legends. She had exchanged her leather vest, tunic and miniskirt for a slightly undersized black T-shirt with the words 'Game or Die' printed on it and a pair of grey sweatpants. She also wore an expensive-looking wireless headset. Two empty cans of Monster Energy and a green plastic bowl half-full with BBQ potato chips sat on the desk to her left and some empty boxes of Chinese takeout lay scattered on the floor around her. The bed was unmade, its blanket hanging from the mattress.

Saying nothing, Sidney walked inside and placed the unopened can of Monster Energy on the desk beside her.

"About time!" snapped Elica, not bothering to look back.

Sidney gave her an evil look. He collected the empty cans and picked up the discarded takeout boxes. Meanwhile, Elica popped the new can of Monster Energy open and took a swig of the bubbling concoction. Sidney noted that she had definitely gained a bit of weight over the last few months. Most of it had gone to her...curves.

"More chips of the potato!" demanded Elica, waving the bowl.

Grumbling under his breath, Sidney headed back to the kitchen, disposed of the empty cans and boxes and returned to Elica with the bowl full.

"Yes...yes!...there!" exclaimed Elica suddenly.

Sidney glanced at the screen. Her opponent's Nexus was surrounded by minions and her team's champions. The Nexus's heath bar was only a sliver.

"Ha ha! Victory!" cried Elica triumphantly as the Nexus exploded.

"Congrats," said Sidney unenthusiastically, putting the bowl of chips on the desk.

"Four ranked matches, four victories, all in one day!" crowed Elica, tossing her headset to the bed. She leapt from the chair, grinning pointy-ear to pointy-ear.

"Impressive," acknowledged Sidney, almost meaning it. He cleared his throat. "So, uh, your house back in Delaran wanted to know if you'll be heading back tomorrow."

"Tell them I need another day," said Elica, reaching for a handful of chips. "Onth musth take odvantage of a victorieth streak!" she said, munching away.

"Elica, one more day and you'll hit your monthly limit! You know how much it costs to extend your maximum time on Earth. Normally it isn't even an option. Even Jesse didn't know about it."

"My family is quite influential. And wealthy. We have our ways."

"Yeah, but..." Sidney sighed, shaking his head. He had to say something. "Look, you said you would start asking around on my behalf."

"Mmm?" said Elica, her cheeks stuffed full with chips.

"Remember? You said you'd help me find a night elf girlfriend? The only reason I'm letting you stay here, play my computer and eat my food? How are you going to do that if you spend all your time screwing around here, huh?"

Elica swallowed. She put down the chips.

"What was that?" she hissed.

Sidney's eyes widened. The last time she had spoken to him in that tone she had threatened to cut tongue out and make him eat it. His mood instantly turned from irritation to fear.

"Er...I mean...I didn't mean to say...."

After an ominous pause, Elica took a deep breath and sighed.

"You know, Sidney, while I greatly enjoy League of Legends. And DOTA. And Fortnite. And Destiny 2," she added. "There is one thing I miss from the Realms."

Without warning or ceremony, she reached down and pulled her T-shirt off over her head. She wasn't wearing a bra.

Sidney goggled.

"It is...mmm...something of a tradition of mine to celebrate victory by indulging in...carnal delights," she purred, tossing the T-shirt to the floor.

Before Sidney could issue a word, she shoved him onto the bed. He yelped as he bounced onto its plushy surface.

"You are a scrawny specimen," she continued, crawling towards him, her massive mammaries dangling as she moved. "But I am in no mood to journey back to Delaran, so you will do."

Sidney's expression rapidly fluctuated between shock, joy and abject terror. He crawled a foot or so back on the back, mostly on reflex, as the voluptuous night elf approached.

"Bu-"

"Did it ever occur to you that I have already fulfilled my end of the bargain?"

She grinned toothily.