Pirate Boy

Today was a day like any other.  My name is Irvin, and I was a cleaner at a local tavern.  When a patron spilled a mug of mead on the table, it was my job to clean it up.  When a wench puked on the floor, it was up to me to wipe it down.  We were a tavern at the edge of the world, or at least the world as I once knew it.  Travelers from all around would visit and bring with them a slew of exotic and mostly upsetting habits.  I cared not for the prospects of the unknown; I in fact loathed every time a new footprint stamped its way through these wooden doors.  But it seemed like every day, some new entourage of scallywags found their way in here.

And today was a day like any other.  A particularly large wench had just exited the restroom.  She must have weighed over three hundred pounds, her best features puffed up in a tight corset that told the world she was better than me.  When she sat at her table, filled with suitors, she beckoned me over with one fat finger.  I did as I was told.  “My, aren't you a small one?” she asked in a mocking tone.

“Yes, ma’am…” I replied.  “Did you need something?”

She chuckled.  “Yes, little one.  I took a rather large dump in the restroom.  Is there any way you could do something about that?  I would hate for someone of class to stumble upon it and get sick.”

I nodded and reached for my bucket and mop, which were leaning against the wall.  Sometimes, my life was shit.  I could hear that fat lady laughing with her men as I gathered my equipment and headed for the restroom.  Sure enough, as I opened the door, the not so delightful smell of feces attacked my nose.  Somehow, she managed to miss the huge slop bucket and get some of her mess on the floor, so I washed it down and started scrubbing with the mop.  What was this woman eating?  And why was there so much of it?  I would be here for a while.

The door opened, and a small woman entered.  “Oh,” she said.  “This looks to be a bit occupied for the moment, isn’t it?”  I nodded, not wanting to open my mouth.  “I’ll see myself out and find a different…”  Just then, the door swung open again and that huge woman burst through.  She raced for the bucket, pushing the small woman against the wall.  With the grace of a drunken horse, she vomited into the huge hole, again missing the target.  This woman was just too much for me today.

The massive woman finished after a minute, then looked up at me, her breasts dangling heavily below her in her dress.  "Keep staring, tiny boy.  You aren’t man enough for these.”  Clearly intoxicated, she stumbled around a bit, then turned to head for the door.

“What the fuck is your problem, bitch!?” the small woman yelled.  She stood in front of the door, and gave the much larger woman a shove, who didn’t even budge.

“You s-stupid whore,” the fat woman drunkenly muttered.  She shoved her huge breasts into the small woman’s face, and she bumped into the wall behind her.  The poor woman stumbled forward and rested on the big woman’s chest.  The fat lady pulled the woman up by her hair.  “You’ll have to pay if you want these tits,” she yelled.  “Just like your husband does.”  The woman started crying, and slapped the fat woman in the face.  The fat lady tossed her to the ground, lying face up.  Then she sat her huge ass on her face.  I couldn’t really see the woman underneath, as the fat lady had a large skirt on that reached all the way to her chubby knees, but I could hear the woman’s muffled screams.  Then I heard a huge fart rip out from the fat girl.  Skinny legs kicked furiously from just outside of the skirt’s Dutch oven walls.  The fat lady had a huge ugly grin on her face.  Casually, she stood up, readjusted her dress to support her breasts, then walked out of the bathroom, leaving the skinny woman vomiting on the floor.

I wish I could say this was an uncommon occurrence, but, unfortunately, this kind of insanity was quite commonplace in this old pub.  Even the women were monsters, disgusting and rambunctious and horny, all trying to kill each other and ruin each other’s lives.  I cleaned up the mess and helped the poor women to her feet, but there wasn’t much I could do beyond that.  This was the real tragedy of the times I lived in.  Nothing was sacred.  Nobody appreciated human life the way they should, so anything happened if someone wanted it.  I longed for a time when those that chose to do evil deeds would be punished.

Laughter and off key renditions of classic bard tales echoed off the walls as I left the restroom and peered out into the somehow more intoxicated halls of the pub.  The violent fat woman was holding two men, one on either breast, while a third made out with her ugly face.  In the far corner, a prostitute tried her best to please a man twice her size, tears running down her cheek as her mouth struggled to take in the man’s noticeable girth.  In another corner, a fat man beat the life out of another man, probably over something as ridiculous as a parlor trick or a snide remark.  What layer of Hell this was I didn’t know, but it was a layer.

Just then, a young man burst into the tavern, sweat dripping from his brow.  “Pirates!”  Everyone droped what they were doing and looked at the boy.  Clearly this was serious business.  “The pirates of Mulchard Bay have arrived!  I’ll go warn the townsfolk!”  With that, he closed the door and scampered off.  The patrons of the tavern looked uneasily back and forth, muttering things incoherently to one another.  I had only heard tales about these pirates.  Supposedly, they were all women.  That would be something.  Apparently, people were afraid of them, at least based on the reactions they were getting.  I could faintly hear footsteps, and as they grew louder and louder, the people grew more and more restless.  The fat whore had even stopped servicing her three men.  The door swung open.

In the doorway, there were two women, one thin and lithe, and one enormously fat.  Both were wearing very little.  The thin woman wore a bikini with a holster for a sword, and an eye patch.  The massive woman wore very short shorts that did little to hide her enormous ass and a top that failed to cover her midriff and also revealed tons of cleavage.  She had long brown hair that draped beyond her shoulders.  The smaller one seemed to be in charge, with the way she led the way.  The slowly strolled in, and soon reached the center of the tavern.

“My name is Marley.  We are the Pirates of Mulchard Bay.  I assume you’ve heard of us?”  She looked around, and nobody made a peep.  “I’ll take that as a yes.  We’ve come to your island for a bargain.  You see, we have a long trip back to Mulchard Bay, and we need someone to come with us.  A young man, preferably.  Basically, this one (she pointed to the woman behind her) and a lot more like her need someone to fuck during the long trip.  I’ll cut you guys a deal; give us a young man, or we burn this tavern, and this pathetic city, to the ground.  How does that sound?”

I ducked behind the fat woman.  I was a young man!  Nobody here cared about me!  I would surely be offered.  I could hear her walking around looking for people.  “Surely there’s someone that can step up to the plate.  Not all of you are cowards are you?”  I panicked.  I’ll be the first to admit, when I’m put into precarious situations, I don’t always make the smartest decisions.  Today was no different.  Not thinking, I scrambled under the seat where the fat lady was sitting.  I hoped here I would be safe.  I hoped wrong.

You see, it was my faith in 17th century engineering that would be my undoing.  Most wooden chairs were able to withstand a little over two hundred pounds, at least the ones in our bar could.  The women above me was much much heavier than that.  It all started when I heard a crack.  I looked up.  The seat above me had snapped in half.  The only thing left was the frame.  All I could see was the woman’s enormous ass covered by a skirt, mashed between the sides of the chair.  “We’ll look around the rest of the city.  If they too are cowards, we’ll burn raze this shit hole to the ground.  So long.”  Footsteps were heard leaving.  And then the other crack happened.  And the fall.  The wind was crushed right out of me.  I tried to scream, but I couldn’t get anything out.

“Fucking pervert!” I heard the woman above me yell.  She stood up and reached down for my shirt.  Grabbing me by the collar, she lifted my small frame into the air.  “You can’t afford me so you try to get your jollies from under my chair!”  She threw me over the table and I rolled onto the floor.  I quickly leapt to my feet, now running off of pure adrenaline.  I ripped it open and darted outside.  Unfortunately, she was more agile than I would have expected from a woman of her size.  I felt her strong hand grab me by the back of the neck.  “You probably wanted my big tits, didn’t you?” she asked menacingly.  She turned me towards her.  “Well you don’t deserve these tits!  But I’ll tell you what you do deserve.  A nice, juicy fart.”  She hurled me to the ground and mounted on top of me, her fat ass completely revealed under her skirt.  Now I knew that she was not wearing any underwear.  Not sure what I was expecting.

I looked up at her dirty ass hole in complete disgust.  “I’m about to rip one, and I can only pray I accidentally take a shit on your face!” But just then, a large explosion happened.  “Holy fuck!” she said, jumping off.  She took off, and I sat up.  In the distance, a large building had caught fire.  The town was going crazy.

Remember what I said about making bad decisions in dire situations?  It gets worse.  Bullets began flying and the screams of my townsfolk were heard everywhere.  I headed as far towards the docks as I could, and found some barrels that looked big enough to house a small person.  I was a small person.  I jumped in and waited for the insanity to die down.

Hours passed, with more explosions, screams and gunshots.  Eventually, there was a calm.  Not much of one, but it was at least quieter.  But no sooner had I decided to get out than the barrel began to move.  I was lifted into the air and transported somewhere, but to where that was I did not know.  After about ten minutes of travel, I felt the barrel hit the ground again.  I didn’t know where I was, and I wasn’t yet ready to get out.

Then came a soft voice.  “Okay, I’ll try to do it by myself, but it gets hard.  These things are heavy…”  I had no idea what they were talking about, but I heard footsteps approaching.  I looked up.  A massive, bare breast was placed into the top of the barrel.  The breast was so large, it sealed off the container.  It took a minute for my eyes to adjust, but as soon as they did, I noticed milk coming out.  A woman above me was milking into this container.  Soon, the milk was squirting at a fast rate, enough that it was starting to pool at the bottom.

“Stop!” I yelled.  Nothing.  She kept going.  She must not have been able to hear me since I was closed off.  If I did nothing, I would drown in milk.  I reached up and pushed on the fleshy breast above me.  A deluge of mil poured on top of me, drenching me in its sweet nectar.  If I wasn’t terrified, I may have actually enjoyed how sweet it tasted.  I kept pushing, my hands sinking into her breast.  Suddenly, the breast lifted, and a cute face replaced it.  She looked down at me inquisitively.

“What do we have here?” she asked innocently.  She reached in with both hands and scooped me out of the barrel.  “We have a stow away!  Aren’t you just a little cutie!”  She was the largest woman I had ever seen.  She was so big and strong she could carry me like a baby, and easily.  And the biggest things about her had to be her breasts.  She made the fat wench at the tavern look like a boy.  She wasn’t wearing a top, and both breasts were dripping with milk.  “But you’re all soaking wet!  We must get you out of these clothes!”  She handily removed my shoes, socks, pants, and shirt.  I was completely naked with this massive woman.  “You look hungry!  You want some milk, little one?”  I couldn’t say no, so I nodded.  She lifted one breast up to my face, and I sucked down on the nipple.  I put both hands on it and started sucking.  “I’m not sure how you ended up on our pirate ship, but I think the captain is going to be happy you’re here.  I’ll keep you alone with me tonight.  But tomorrow, she’s going to need to see you.”  I fell asleep sucking her breast, not knowing what would happen to me tomorrow.