Feedback to improve the story moving forward
Added 2024-10-22 18:59:25 +0000 UTCHey guys! First of all, thank you all for reading my story and supporting me on Patreon. It means a lot!
The past few weeks have been amazing - receiving so much love and support for the book was a dream come true. But also intense, because it was the first time I ever got feedback on it, and it came from hundreds of people at once :)
That said, I do want to improve as an author and elevate this book further. I've received all sorts of feedback so far, but there are two pieces of feedback that stood out to me the most because I heard them from multiple people:
1. Many people don't like the sound effect onomatopoeia (SHING, GULP, SIGH etc) as they find them jarring.
2. I've been told the fight scenes are not as good as everything else.
So, I'm doing this poll to get some more specific feedback on what to do moving forward. (Though keep in mind that these changes will only start taking effect past ch. 125 or something because that's where I'm at in terms of writing.)
PLEASE SELECT ALL THAT APPLY (MULTIPLE CHOICE ALLOWED):
Comments
That's fair the focus is mostly on the protag but the pov does shift every now and again to the others. I prefer single protag stuff as well.
deushadow
2024-11-05 14:54:05 +0000 UTCThanks for the feedback! I edited most of the sounds out of the story yesterday (Though go to RR for the first ~70 chapters for that)! I actually haven't read MaM but I did consider starting it many times! As you can imagine, I'm a huge fan of the serial transmigration trope, but I've read surprisingly little in the genre, which was why I couldn't take it anymore and ended up writing my own :) There was always a problem. This one in particular I hesitated to start because the blurb makes it sound like it has multiple leads ("Isabelle and her new friends..."). Not the end of the world, but I prefer a strong focus on a single protagonist. I'm really nitpicky when starting a new book which probably means I've missed out on plenty of stories I would have enjoyed :(
PathOfPen
2024-11-05 06:52:18 +0000 UTCI find the sounds annoying but mostly ignore them I think they would be particularly annoying if you make it into an audiobook at some point and leave the narrator to work out what to do with them. Some come up with something that works others just sound stupid. I think the fight scenes could be more interesting if you changed the sounds you thought were important into a more descriptive form. The sudden sound of the glass shattering as the arrow flew towards him startled him from his daze. I feel like your brain fills in the necessary sounds. Sometimes I think a visual descriptor would be more interesting the liquid metal rising in waves (or something better not a writer). The random SPLOOSH'S are particularly annoying and always throw me oh sad moment her cousin just died SPLOOSH it just takes you out of the moment also not exactly intimidating also I don't think all water sounds have to be SPLOOSH FFS (sorry that one really does get to me apparently) . It also throws me were in the middle of a fight hes just unlocked his affinity your splooshing so I'm thinking water and my brain is focused on that and not the fight then you mention liquid metal so I'm thinking maybe some kind of liquid metal affinity again because I've been SPLOOSHed out of the fight then I'm thinking is metal even a basic affinity. Whatever trying to describe how I react to the sound effect especially that one. That said even if you keep doing it I will keep reading it's not something that deeply upsets me (if shit gets too dark I'll probably quit because I read to escape reality not be reminded how horrible it is) I've really been enjoying your story so far . Have you read markets and multiverses by acaswell? The soul clone mechanic reminds me of a short term version of that story's whole thing it's a pretty good one imo.
deushadow
2024-11-05 04:25:58 +0000 UTCLol. I was mostly joking :D Sure, I would like more chapters, but we get 2 per day as it is. You keep it up that's plenty
Apoca
2024-10-23 08:05:13 +0000 UTCGlad to hear it. Balancing feedback, editing and moving forward is hard, and takes some practice, but you're doing great!
Chyre
2024-10-23 07:26:41 +0000 UTCThanks for the feedback. I'm conscious of both sides to this. On one hand, I won't fall into the trap of re-writing old content and pausing the story or steering the book astray, so don't worry about that. But yeah, I do want to keep the feedback in mind, so I'm producing better quality content moving forward. On the specific issue you've raised, keep another thing in mind. All the important people reach Yellow by the time they're 10, so the potions start declining in effectiveness rapidly for them. As for the rest, it's not that hard to find some life affinity user if they really need one. Rare affinities might only be <1% of the population, but that's still a lot of people, and it's much easier to heal somebody for a life mage than a doctor on Earth.
PathOfPen
2024-10-23 06:51:29 +0000 UTCNot really a big deal, but as long as we're giving feedback, here's a minor editorial nitpick: The portrayal of the economics for non-elixir potions currently doesn't make much sense. Explanation: As of the time of this post, the story has non-elixir potions shown to be cheap, but unpopular, supposedly because healing magic is just more effective. Well, the thing is, in the real world, getting stitches from a doctor is more effective than a band-aid, but that doesn't stop people from buying band-aids. Sometimes it's more convenient not to have to deal with a service provider for a small problem. If there's a cheap product that let's you solve that problem in different way, people are going to use it. And, in-universe, this means that most people would keep a supply of healing potions around, if the economics for them are as currently portrayed. Now, there's a couple of possible ways to fix this, depending on what your goals are: Option 1.) Embrace the band-aid economics. Non-elixir potions are used regularly by most people (though maybe not by Percy's family, since they're life mages), but they're easy to make and therefore don't earn much profit. It's like how aspirin is mass-produced by factories in India; it's actually a pretty useful drug, but you can buy a bottle of it for like a dollar, and therefore it isn't that great an option if you're looking for an easy product with huge profit margins. Option 2.) Non-elixir portions are stupidly expensive, and healing magic is usually more effective anyway, so nobody bothers with the potions. In this scenario, Percy starts buying them not because they are economically attractive, but because he has unusual needs - if Micky gets hurt, for example, he can't be taken to a healer without raising a bunch of awkward questions, and Percy ultimately decides the security benefits outweigh the hit to his finances. Note however, that in this later scenario, the brown endurance potions probably DON'T make economic sense for Percy to buy - he's only using them to kill more wasps, after all, so if the additional income doesn't outweigh the cost of the potion, there's no point. Either the story needs to be retconned so that Percy doesn't actually start using the brown potions, or the brown potions need to be an exception - they have Option 1 economics, even as the other non-elixir potion types do not. And, as a final side note to this (admittedly very long) post, don't worry too much about whatever minor issues people bring up. Like I said up at the top, this isn't really a very serious problem, and if we didn't like your work, we wouldn't be reading it. The worst thing you can do is to overreact and screw something up that's actually important to the story (this is a mistake a lot of inexperienced authors make). People are going to have parts of the story they don't like - it's going to happen, one way or another. Fixing things where possible is all well and good, but the most important thing is to keep moving, and enjoy the journey.
Chyre
2024-10-23 06:24:26 +0000 UTCThanks for the feedback! I'll try to use fewer of them and absorb them into the text more. And I'll also be a bit more careful with the fight scenes so they flow more nicely :) Again, these changes might not become noticeable until 125+ though.
PathOfPen
2024-10-23 04:11:25 +0000 UTCMy hope is to eventually increase patreon to 50 up from 40, though I'll only do that once I can push my backlog by another 10 because I don't want to lose my buffer. So I can't promise when it's going to happen, but I'm working on it.
PathOfPen
2024-10-23 04:10:03 +0000 UTCFights for multiple chapters in a row are tough to get through sometims, though learning how to fight new type of enemy is always interesting or to try a new power out
Beeees!
2024-10-22 23:09:38 +0000 UTCLoving the story! :D Lots of good feedback from others I agree with! Too bad I'm not knowledgeable enough to give any major pointers. I do however have teeny tiny nitpick that stood out to me, particularly in earlier chapters. You used "the young man did X" often enough that it became borderline jarring. Noticed it a lot less recently though, so maybe you picked up on it yourself? Either way, just want to reiterate that this is just a very, very minor nitpick. Again, loving the story and excited for where it's going :)
BlameJohn
2024-10-22 21:35:07 +0000 UTCYour writing is great. The prose is lovely and flows well. The sound effect words are a hindrance to this. They break up the prose needlessly! Please consider dropping them. I’d second what ParadoxFox has said about fight scenes. Flow is more important than mechanical accuracy. Loving the story keep up the good work!
Tommy
2024-10-22 21:34:18 +0000 UTCThere is no option for more chapters
Apoca
2024-10-22 20:47:34 +0000 UTCThis is really valuable feedback, thanks. I was mostly focused on actually describing them visually and mechanically, but I guess I have neglected the characters' emotional rollercoaster through the fights. I'll try to pay more attention to that :) Cheers!
PathOfPen
2024-10-22 20:08:32 +0000 UTCI think the strength of the story is watching Percy’s clones explore the universe. The fight scenes are fine, although the sounds do annoy me. If you want to improve fight scenes, I’d say focus less on mechanical description and more on the emotions you want your readers to feel. The thing that the best fight scenes do is they balance anticipation and payoff and usually showcase some ingenuity/badassery. I’d recommend the tournament arc in Cradle for some great examples of fight scenes.
ParadoxFox
2024-10-22 20:06:23 +0000 UTCI don't personally find the onomatopoeia intrusive, but I can see how other readers could. It is definitely more commonplace for an author to describe the sound of an action occuring than to use a sound effect.
Vortha
2024-10-22 19:56:39 +0000 UTCDo you intend Percy to become a Powerhouse? If so, you might have to speed up his development. At the least he needs to reach the level of his cousin by the time he gets home. And, as I mentioned previously, he needs to deal with his alchemy mentor. It doesn't have to be death, but some way to wipe his memory. His granddad should be capable of that. Until he, his grandad and his cousin have a nice good headstart, they should not let the info out. This is a world where might makes right and sometimes one has to do what one has to do!
Senoj Ttehr
2024-10-22 19:55:17 +0000 UTCYes those fights I could easily follow.
Sean
2024-10-22 19:50:14 +0000 UTCSo far good. You lr mc would travel to many worlds with each world haveing 100s of different cultures. Some of the people he will possess would be good some could be bad. So try to add some sense of adventure and discovery, take inspiration from the past and the different cultures around the world without making it obvious. Try to not to look on his adventure from your moral sense but the moral sense of your character and the people he possess.
Bookworm bibliophile
2024-10-22 19:40:38 +0000 UTCThanks for typing that up! I really appreciate it. Ensuring that Percy's growth is both satisfying and sustainable in the long run is one of the things I'm paying the most attention to, so I hope I'll be able to do the book justice :)
PathOfPen
2024-10-22 19:29:46 +0000 UTCThe sound effects don’t bother me but in general you could try to describe the action that is producing the sound instead. For example; Percy breathed a sigh of relief. Either way I’ll keep reading.
Adam Langjahr
2024-10-22 19:25:35 +0000 UTC@Sergio, I know it looks like that right now, but I have specific plans to handle it moving forward. Not going to spoil them though :)
PathOfPen
2024-10-22 19:19:59 +0000 UTCWell, I certainly have my vision for the story, but I'm open to making some changes if a lot of people want them. I'm probably not going to eliminate the onomatopoeia entirely, but I'll try to tone it down at least, so it's not as egregious.
PathOfPen
2024-10-22 19:17:58 +0000 UTCUnless a fight scene is particularly engaging in a story, I generally tune them out and only get the gist of what's going on, so I'm probably not the best person to judge this particular aspect. As for the sound effects, they're really not a big deal. I'm enjoying the story quite a bit, and if you keep this pace up you're going to go far, guaranteed. Here's what you do well: 1. you've amalgamated a fun magic system. Sure, it's not overly original at face value, but it's presented in a unique enough way that doesn't feel plain or boring. It has that sense of "what would MY power(s) be if I lived in this world?" for the reader to envision for themselves. 2. Your writing quality is sound. I remember trying Azarinth Healer and having a real hard time with it because the quality was just bad. This is something a lot of the indie authors on RR struggle with, but it's the thing that seems to improve with time. You're starting from such a great point. 3. You're consistent. Keep it up, as I've seen objectively awful stories do well by simply never stopping. Here's what can use some work, imo: 1. Chapter length. RR likes short chapters, so maybe once you put a compiled boom out there on Amazon or wherever, consider rolling several chapters into single chapters where appropriate. 2. The "Dragon Ball Z" power level effect. I can see this snowballing into ridiculousness in terms of power levels and abilities, which will then require you to "conveniently" introduce new power concepts so that the MC always has a new ceiling to reach. This can feel bad for the reader if not handled with care. Limitations can also, paradoxically, make for more/better creativity. Thank you so much for the story! I really look forward to reading it and seeing how you progress 😁
Aaron
2024-10-22 19:17:11 +0000 UTCI do have lots of ideas about clones and things moving forward. I just didn't want to overdo it with giving Percy too many cool things at once because he already got super lucky early on with Huehue and the Moirais. But I have tons of things planned for the whole story - it's the main theme after all! With regards to his clone limit though, I'm not going to have it scale like baldy's (i.e. 3x each grade) because that's too op. At least for now, the number of concurrent connections he can have is restricted. That's not to say he can't find ways to expand it though.
PathOfPen
2024-10-22 19:15:48 +0000 UTCI didn't get that, but now you saying it it makes sense that they would do so
AetherBoye
2024-10-22 19:15:00 +0000 UTCYou see sounds like that only in webnovel kind of stories. If you are good enough, you can describe the sounds in a better but also quick way. Ouch = It hurt like lemons being squeezed into my wound Or whatever. Be creative ^^ As an example, you wouldn't say "There is a fight. Fight is over. He won." No, you describe it more in depth to give the reader a clear picture in it's mind :) Same goes for these sounds.
EsZeus
2024-10-22 19:14:55 +0000 UTCFair point, but it is possible to do these kind of long realms in cultivation stories. Try checking out Road To Mastery, which I feel is really the gold standard for fast-paced cultivation stories like this one is shaping up to be. It's been like 70 years in-story since the story began in road to mastery, yet the writing still makes it feel earned and worth it
AetherBoye
2024-10-22 19:13:32 +0000 UTCHis soul familiars Are taking up 1 clone spot so far. But other than that I agree
EsZeus
2024-10-22 19:11:35 +0000 UTCIt's your story. I appreciate you asking for feedback but know it's only an opinion. Please feel free to disregard any or all of it. There are some very popular stories with onomatopoeia like Dungeon Diver.
ReadingObsessed
2024-10-22 19:11:31 +0000 UTCMy issue is mainly with the time needed for advancements. You either are going to have to make huge time skips or give the mc a huge hack. In my opinion that’s going to kill the story.
Sergio Lukin
2024-10-22 19:09:57 +0000 UTCI don't enjoy the sounds, though I know some would. My major issue, which I don't even think is truly "major", is that he's not sending out more clones. At orange, he should be able to do 3 clones, not just 1 right? If violet does 243, then indigo does 81, blue does 27, yellow does 9, and orange would do 3 right? Even if its a capacity thing like baldy, he could still do 2 instead of 1 I'd think. Also, I think I'd enjoy more focus on the clones, and more varied worlds they get sent to. Like, what if one world has a standard litRPG blue box leveling system instead of pseudo-cultivation? Would he be able to "level up" and reach heights he may be couldn't before, or get some other boost from it, maybe the ability to accrue titles or some such that boost his abilities? It may just be that it's early days in the story, but I feel there's a lot of potential in this story that has yet to be seen that you just haven't thought up yet, like him exploring possibilities in other magical systems like the standard level up, possibly the cultivation of dao or laws, etc
AetherBoye
2024-10-22 19:08:29 +0000 UTCSo the rest (Percy vs bandits, Percy vs wasps, Elaine vs scorpions, Gabe and Percy vs Golems) were ok for you?
PathOfPen
2024-10-22 19:05:28 +0000 UTCOh, and if you selected "something else is off with the fight scenes" or "I have some other major issue with the story unrelated to the above" please feel free to elaborate here in the comments. Obviously, I couldn't cover everything in the poll.
PathOfPen
2024-10-22 19:03:35 +0000 UTCThe sounds are weird since I don't see them in other stories but that's fine in general. The only fight I had trouble picturing was Micky's first dance against the yellow beast in the arena. I don't know why but I got super confused by the part about him kicking his mana staff back into a strike.
Sean
2024-10-22 19:03:10 +0000 UTC
